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I don't want to leave LO overnight yet

(212 Posts)
Lesim91 Fri 24-Jul-20 12:40:40

Hi,

I would like to sound this out with other grandparents to see if I'm being unreasonable.

My MIL keeps asking us to leave our one year old overnight at her house but we don't feel comfortable with this. Due to the pandemic we went 4 months without seeing family but have started meeting up since he restrictions eased, so they're unfamiliar with what he likes and his routines. They also have quite an aggressive small dog who had to be put in a muzzle when we visited last week (our son was nowhere near the dog but she went for him). This makes our visits to theirs feel stressful as we're always watching the dog- they won't leave it upstairs or in another room.

We have suggested to them that they start by taking him out for the afternoon or during the day so that they can build up a relationship with him, as my son doesn't really know them that well thanks to Covid. But the overnight thing we don't feel comfortable with until he's stayed away from home with us there a few times.

My mil says I'm being unreasonable and has taken it personally. Despite the fact my husband feels the same way (it's ally doing?!) And we're ok with daytrips.

She's always been like this and is never happy. But she always makes me question myself. Do I sound unreasonable?

icanhandthemback Sat 25-Jul-20 21:52:53

I don't think I have read a unanimous thread on GN before! Even without the dog, I don't think it is unreasonable for you to say that you don't want her to have your baby overnight. I know that grandparents sometimes take it personally because it seems like a lack of trust and they feel that they managed to bring their children up without mishap but that isn't the point. I'm afraid that if your MIL was trying to bully me, I would dig my heals in even more.

Grannyflower Sat 25-Jul-20 21:29:44

No you are not being unreasonable. You are a mother now and your child depends on you to make the right decisions. Give in to MiL on this one and spend the rest of your life trying to please her. Stand your ground you know in your heart already

DeeDum Sat 25-Jul-20 21:27:18

Your being sensible. I would be inclined to avoid this interference and pressure from your controlling in laws ..

oodles Sat 25-Jul-20 20:25:19

When both you and your little one are ready is the right time, it may not be for years and that is fine

Callistemon Sat 25-Jul-20 19:06:23

Congratulations Lesim!

This must be the only thread ever on GN where all the posters are in agreement grin

However, I expect we are all out of step except your MIL.

annehinckley Sat 25-Jul-20 18:28:06

I confess I haven't trawled through all 8 pages, but am so pleased that EVERY comment I have read has stated that you are NOT being unreasonable.

jerseygirl Sat 25-Jul-20 17:28:08

Your little boy doesn't know them yet so its a bit much to ask. I agree you should start slowly and just spend a few hours together. The dog would have to be removed from the situation. Try meeting them on neutral ground. She is being very selfish. We all adore our grandchildren but have to abide by what the parents want. They are not our children after all.
Good luck with this, i hope you manage to agree to an arrangement that suits you all. But at the end of the day your son must come first.

Thecatshatontgemat Sat 25-Jul-20 17:19:26

The dog is a dangerous decider.
Do not let any child anywhere near it.
Definately not unreasonable.

Valdo Sat 25-Jul-20 17:08:40

Don't let her bully you - your son is the most important consideration and I would be loath to visit her at all because of the dog. Don't leave him on his own with her and the dog at anytime.

Theoddbird Sat 25-Jul-20 16:45:48

You are absolutely right in not letting your son stay overnight. She is the one being unreasonable about not locking the dog up. With a dog like that I would never leave your son there actually.

CrazyGrandma2 Sat 25-Jul-20 16:31:25

Lesim91 as I think you know in your heart of hearts, it is your MIL who is being unreasonable and not you. If she is on this site, maybe she will recognise herself and seing all the comments - rare for a thread to be unanimous - she will change her ways. Good luck.

alltheglitterglue Sat 25-Jul-20 16:28:40

YANBU.

Aside from the fact that this is your DC so you decide if and when he stays anywhere he’s still a baby, so this applies even more so.

The clincher for me is the dog. Even if your DC was Secondary School age I wouldn’t let him stay in a house where there is a potentially dangerous dog, not even a small one.

Politely say no and stick to it until you can be sure that your child is safe staying there.

Ellypat Sat 25-Jul-20 16:28:11

It’s your MIL who’s being unreasonable. I wouldn’t leave your wee one with her unsupervised at all until he’s much, much older.

chris8888 Sat 25-Jul-20 16:03:22

No your being sensible caring parents never let anyone emotionally blackmail you.

Alexa Sat 25-Jul-20 15:47:38

It's true what other grans are saying about the dog. In the meantime, can you try to educate the grandmother about dog safety perhaps along the lines of the experienced advice from 4allweknow?

Alexa Sat 25-Jul-20 15:43:19

You are not unreasonable Lesim99. Just say " No thank you, but I do appreciate your kindness".
Perhaps keep your options open, as these grandparents some time in an uncertain future may be what you need.

Seakay Sat 25-Jul-20 15:38:14

I don't think that you are being unreasonable, but ultimately that isn't the point. You are the parents, what you say goes. You are legally responsible for your child's welfare and you don't have to justify your wishes. You don't have to explain, compromise or alter your decisions, and you don't have to visit at all.
eg "would you all like to come over for the day/"
"will the dog be there and running about?"
"yes"
"no"
"why not? the dog is fine, it's my grandchild. it's not fair, the dog isn't dangerous"
"I'm glad you enjoy your dog. We're not coming"
"why not?"
"because of the dog"
"but why not"
"I have to end this call now"

timetogo2016 Sat 25-Jul-20 15:33:48

Your child your choice,end of.
She sounds like a bully too.
So on that account alone forget it and her.

JeannieB44 Sat 25-Jul-20 15:30:46

As a MIL to a DIL, no you are not being unreasonable. When our first GC was born DIL seemed to trust her mum more than me, it upset me but of course she was going to go to her mum more. I cannot remember what age they started sleeping over but pretty sure it was over a year. You are right to start with a few hours and build up. That of course is not taking into account the dog. Sorry but unless they are prepared to keep it well away from your child then it must be a firm but regretful no. I do not have a dog now, but had an older dog when our youngest was small. The dog became very possessive of me as she aged to the point where she would yap at people who came close including the children. Much as I loved my dog my children's welfare came first, she was the same height as our youngest and I would never have forgiven myself if something had happened. If they are caring grandparents they should understand your concerns for their grandchild. Hope it all resolves amicably

jaylucy Sat 25-Jul-20 15:28:41

No you are not!
My mum had her grandchildren overnight from a few months old - the first one at 6 weeks old, while my sister in law was in hospital - but she had spent time with all of them from when they were tiny.
The fact that your DS has hardly seen her for months , along with the problem with the dog, to me, means that you are being wise not to allow him to stay.
Regardless, she needs to train her dog not to snap and if that isn't possible, the dog should be put in separate room when you visit (which may well make that problem worse).
You have given her the option of her taking him out for the day or on little outings for an afternoon but she doesn't want that.
Your child, your choice. She has to accept that rather than try to bully you into doing her choice. Stick to your guns and I'm just waiting for the post saying " My DiL will not let my GS stay with me AIBU " !

Joesoap Sat 25-Jul-20 15:27:57

Definately do not leave your child there, it is too young, and its definately unsafe with regard to the dog, there is plenty of time when they both get aquainted, the Mum-in-Law and your child.

4allweknow Sat 25-Jul-20 14:35:38

Your plan sounds well thought out. The dog even if muzzled could still be a problem with the claws. I have had dogs for years, terrier types and no way would I permit any of them near my grandchildren when they were so young. The fact the dog in question is muzzled should raise alarm bells. Insist the dog is kept in another room when you visit.

Sys2ad2 Sat 25-Jul-20 14:33:57

As long as she has a dog the answer should be no

lilydily9 Sat 25-Jul-20 14:32:37

Your child comes first. The fact she won't even put the dog, who has proved to be aggressive, in another room when you visit, I find really alarming. What kind of a grandmother is that?

kwest Sat 25-Jul-20 14:27:20

Don't even think of it. Your instincts are telling you to protect your child. Listen to them.