Feeling overwhelmed

Hi Narnia, sorry to hear your story it's so sad but I think you already know what would be the best answer to this problem and that's for your daughter to be allowed to stay at home with her baby, its what she wants, she will never get this time in her life again.

You say her husband is not supportive and so in a sense she's on her own with this decision

If at all possible and it should be hopefully she should stay at home

Franbern, I'm afraid I do disagree about it not being "related to these strange times"
First baby, who had spent a week in hospital at 3 weeks old, difficulties breastfeeding, unsupportive partner and then weeks with no visits or support from HV or me who she wanted desperately to be there for her.
Then no making mum friends or baby groups. So I'm afraid I do think this has impacted on her mat leave. It's certainly made it more stressful and much less enjoyable than it should have been. Yes she's had the time spent by herself with the baby, but that itself has been counter productive as she doesn't want to "trust" him with anyone else. And the separation anxiety on both sides is high.

Not a new problem or one related to these strange times. My eldest daughter had to return to her studies and part time work when her baby was just a couple of months old. Very unsupportive, unemployed partner. Baby had to go to child minder two days a week, and to me two day a week. She managed to continue with breast feed (and pumped milk during daytime) until baby was six months old.
Touch times, and my daughter found it all very difficult - but needs must.
Baby and she survived (baby will celebrate her 18th birthday next year), Mum survived and has a high flying career through these days. Partnership did not survive.
The majority of mums do not want that maternity leave time to end, and to 'give up' care of their bubs to other people, but once they do get back and have (hopefully) some enjoyable adult company at work, it usually works out well for all concerned. Mum will be missing baby a great deal more than baby will miss Mum

When first DiL returned to work I used to send updates and photos hourly by WhatsApp to reassure her that all was well. Second DiL wasn’t concerned so I’d just send the occasional message.
First DiL still likes regular updates even though the eldest child is now 7.
Do what works for you both.
Ask your daughter to have a chat with her doctor before going back to work, it sounds like she might need some help with anxiety or pnd.

She needs to talk to her health visitor or a postnatal. Depression group by phone which are really good and non judgemental My daughter got it and it helped but I was a midwife and have dealt with a lot of ladies with the blues and feel like this .She needs to tell her partner how she feels .Men don’t always understand and feel it is a woman’s role to all the childcare house etc .My father-in-law was so proud he had never changed a nappy in his life I turned round and said that’s nothing to be proud off no help in the house even when his wife worked .Yes those were the days but the world was changing fast

I had to find a new job after my previous employer sent a letter when I was on maternity leave telling me my job wouldn't be there for me afterwards - solicitors got me £2,500 which back then was enough to allow me to stay home until baby was 6 months. I know I was stressed going into a new job, 10am to 6pm 5 days a week, I think it played a big part in me not having more children; now ex-husband always earned less than me and wasn't helpful. My mum had him for 12 months, but wouldn't take him to play groups or nurseries, just home with her all day, no interaction with other children, which actually distressed me, my failure as a parent magnified ... But back to OP -

I was very tearful leaving baby, but eventually a routine was established. I was able to get a job locally and spent lunchtime at Mums with him, drop him at nursery/school. Worked there until he was 15! It was so difficult. But doable.

coastiepostie
I totally understand what you are saying. I think she does feel like she's "abandoning" the baby even tho it's with me, and she and I are the closest ever.
She has a Kit day this week, all day.
Her partner is having the baby but I know he's already in a flap about it.
Emotionally he's not great at being supportive, he's a big advocate of "tough love" so is dismissive of her feelings rather than understanding and loving.
I'm picking up that slack by spending time with her, organising treats and days out etc.
I'm going to see what happens after the kit day and suggest again that she might need to get more time off.
It's not that I haven't suggested it for the past few months, I just think she feels like she would be letting work down, how it might affect her future there etc. It's literally guilt all round really.
Her partner and can't do overtime it's not that sort of company, altho since she became preg he coukd have looked for better paid roles or sought promotion but chose not to.
I keep telling her at least she will be home by 4.30 at the latest, have school holidays etc but I know its not great consolation when she just wants to be with the baby all the time.

My heart goes out to all of you it does sound as if your daughter needs to see her GP, its so hard when mum goes back to work i used to send pictures to my daughter in law and my son dureing the day it helped but it was hard because i knew they should have been with their mums but we all have a strong bond good luck take care xx

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Where is the partner in all this?
Isn’t it time he learned that he is a father and being non-supportive is not an option.

He has brought a child into the world so he needs to up his game and, if necessary, change jobs to a better paid one.
Alternatively could he do overtime, at least temporarily to bring some more much needed income into the family?

I really don’t know if your daughter really has depression or if it’s just a reaction to the pressure she’s under to contribute to the family finances when caring for her baby should be the priority.

What is it with so many of these men who fall short just at the time when their wives/girlfriends need them most?

coastiepostie - apologies if I sounded snippy in response to your post. For what its worth, I had five years at home with first child then 13 years later, maternity leave with my second. I prepared carefully, half an hour at the child minder with me building up to left an hour then 2 hours etc before I went back to work.. I was lucky, loved my work and had flexible hours. The first few times I left my baby for brief periods, I'd sit at the end of the road weeping in the car. Fast forward 36 years, that baby was attempting to work from home with two small children during the first long lock down.
Combining work and children is tough.

Narnia - I hope your daughter gets at least a phone appointment with her GP. Being conscientious is great but the walls won't fall down if she takes this term off to take care of herself

Narnia in your whole list of things that have been tried or considered I don't see any mention of a visit to the GP to talk about whether she has a depressive disorder. (PND or normal depression etc). Crying to the health visitor is not the same thing at all.

It's good to see all the advice and support on here, and I won't repeat it all.
There is no doubt that guilt stalks a mother, especially those that have to work. These very difficult times don't help.
I would just like to add one quite big note, given that you are an amazing mother and grandmother!
Please take care of your own health and wellbeing which probably isn't high on your priority list at the moment. I can almost hear your response....but please take time to think about this as if you get poorly, there will be less support available for your family.

Hi, thanks for all the messages!
My dd has actually cried on the phone to the HV about the whole situation and she never went round to see her. She's not the best!
Baby is 8 months and currently waiting to see an allergist as he's had sone pretty bad reaction to food once weaning started, hence the breastfeeding during the day continuing. Covid has slowed the apt down, obv this is a major concern that coukd have been resolved months ago under normal circs.
She knows the baby will be fine with me but she still wishes it could be her obviously, which in turn makes me feel guilty.
I used to be a childminder so I've always done the txts during the day and pictures etc so she knows I will keep her posted all day.
I could in fact go at lunch to see her with him, but I don't know if that will make it harder.
She works in education so can't work from home.
Would have to pay back her mat leave money if she doesn't return for 12 weeks at least.
Despite how bad she feels sges also very conscientious, so would hate ringing in sick I think, altho I have mentioned getting a sick note a lot!
In the whole 8 months, she's been out once and had to come home as her partner coukdnt settle the baby.
I've taken him out by myself a few times and can get him to nap without a breastfeed etc but I know she's still anxious when he's with me.
I don't think she can cut back another day either financially or practically now with work as I think she's signed a contract.
It just makes my heart break

What a problem it’s obviously not right for her to go back to work at the moment it’s against all of her natural instincts and is cruel I too think she should see her GP and hopefully get signed off and her partner needs a rocket up his bum
I think coastiepostie meant that’s how the young mums inner being feels, not that she or any other working mum really is iam

Iam64, agreed, handing over care to somebody else is hardly 'abandoning' - but can feel like it.

I, would think, as many have said already, that a GP would be more than willing to sign her off as sick - especially under present circumstances.

(I still don't know baby's age as Narnia has gone - maybe shut the wardrobe door?)

coastiepostie, the idea that a mother is abandoning her children by returning to work would be just the kind of thing to raise guilt and distress.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Narnia

If your DD is having any problems with her employers (you mentioned their reluctance to support her pumping needs) she should contact Maternity Action. They provide information and support on all aspects of the legal rights of working pregnant mums and those returning to work after mat leave.

Get in touch with her G.P. your dd is not in the right place to return to work. Either her G.P. or Health visitor in the first instance. She needs to be taken care of and signed off work until she is stabilised. Her baby's health is at risk too.
It is a very tough time for all of you.

Get her to phone doctor, I suffered a lot from.depression, when pregnant and.then after my daughter was a few months old.
Really didnt think I would.get through it but did, I didnt feel.i was capable of looking after my baby, but she was flourishing. I only had.my partner in.London where I lived at.the time but was lucky enough to meet a lovely friend at baby group. She was suffering with her back and me with depression and we helped each other. I had a car, so helped with shopping etc a d she was there for me.

Must be even harder with lockdown and her having to Express milk at work and not wanting to.go back to work.

The doctors will be very helpful.but get phoning straight away as appointments are that easy to get at the moment, say it is an emergency.

Things will get better. Is their no way she could.go.back to work 3 days a week and.then she would still have 4 days at home.
Good.luck with everything, go with her to doctors if she will let you sometimes.it is hard to say what you want when your are anxious especially when you feel you aren't doing the best for.yournown child.

The doctor will.recognise she is.doing a good job, u remember the used to.reinforce to me.that my daughter was well looked.after and.flourishing, which I didnt.believe at.the time but do.now.x

The day that my daughter went back to work and left her baby with a childminder she texted me "This is the worst day of my life". I worked full time. 11 years on and grandaughter is a happy well adjusted child and my daughter and she have a great bond. grandaughter is independent. Daughter has been a great role model showing her daughter that you have to be responsible and support yourself. I am proud of them both. You will be too I am sure.

I had to leave my baby at 9 weeks old for similar reasons to your daughter. Sadly I didn’t have a mum to look after him. I had boils the size of fifty pence pieces all over my groin, I was so exhausted and stressed. I found out later from my doctor she would have been happy to sign me off as sick for at least a month. I’ve always mentioned this to new mums as it never occurred to me and I suffered ill health for a long time afterwards. I felt I had to be strong and do this when I really shouldn’t have. No new mum should go through what I did so please please see if she can get some sick leave. Good luck.

Also if her baby has health issues, is there medical reasons she could apply for Disability Living Allowance for her child? Its not easy to do forms and maybe she can get help from health visitor with this but it would help her income and also get her any extra help& support she may need with her child.

Maybe if she sees or 'telephone appts' the dr she could ask for a sicknote,under circumstances of how shes feeling right now? Then maybe she can ask DWP if shes able to apply for any sick pay or child tax credits? Or any sick pay from her work place? All to help her financially while she cant work yet? As for her partner sorry to say it but he sounds a no-good waste of space& she and her child may well be better off financially and emotionally without him.