How Long

AGAA4 Thank you it's good to hear that you can be happy again

Msida so sorry you are hurting. Losing a loved one is the worst thing we have to go through.
My husband died many years ago and I remember how raw I felt for some time. Little things would set me off in tears and sometimes I felt I would never be right again.

I haven't got over it but I am happy now in the life I have. I can remember the happy times without being upset and just feel grateful for the time we did have together.

In a couple of weeks it will be 23 years since we lost our son, a week after his 22nd birthday. It hit both of us HARD, but I kept telling myself that he was away on a business trip. Eventually we both accepted his loss, but he is never forgotten.
The memory can still bring tears to our eyes, especially as one of GS looks very like him.
Every year on his anniversary we meet as a family, to remember him.
Eventually you will come to terms with what has happened, but it will take time, and in different ways, for everyone of us.
You are not alone, if that is any consolation.

Thank you loads

I think you just get better at living with it, you don't get over it, but somehow create a new way of life. Remembering the good times becomes a comfort and a gratitude for sharing your life with him. I know exactly how you feel and it is hard and takes time but you will laugh again. ?

It is interesting how differently we act. I found the second year easier because I was no longer an object of interest

Msida, my husband was Maltese. I have lived in Malta for the past 40 years. I love it here and could never go back to the UK now. Do you ever come back to visit? Not easy at the moment, I know.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is not easy at all. Even after five years I still have bad days when I just want him back so much.

Msida, nobody can tell you how long it will be. We all grieve individually, although the stages are familiar, we take our own time to get through them.

Find your own ways to cope, things that help, things to avoid and make use of all the support available to you.

I can say, with certainty, that one day, you'll realise that you feel much better, you got through it and you're now out - on the other side!

Msida , I feel,for you, I also lost my husband in August after a long battle with cancer. The first few weeks I was so busy sorting things out, paperwork etc but now all that is done I feel more bereft. This weekend has been awful. At the moment I cannot envisage feeling any better but I’m sure it will come slowly. This thread has been most helpful, thank you.

I have read loads saying that it's hard, and that is so understandable but is there anyone at all that has gotten through it and maybe even found someone new and is Ok now

BellasnannaYesI am Maltese Msida is the place I lived when I was little with my Nan, came back to London when I was 9 but was born in London.. Have you been to Malta

I read the following in a recent parish magazine and it resonated with me:

‘Grief: When something major happens in our lives that turns everything upside down, it is a natural reaction to want to make sense of it all.

Some see grief like a journey on a train. You get on the grief train and a process happens to you that you seem to have little control over. The train passes through stations called shock, anger, fear, searching and despair, but sooner or later the train arrives at its destination called acceptance, and you get off ready to begin a new life.

Others see it as a car journey where you are driving. You can control the pace, speed and, to some extent, the direction.

For others it is a long walk, where for some the journey never ends.

Whichever picture relates to you, they are all about a process of change and adjustment. The more you can understand this change, the easier it is to adjust. It can be very beneficial to read accounts of other people’s losses. It helps you to see how normal your reaction might be. Although your story is unique, you are not alone,’

It’s five years for me since DH died but since then I have also lost my one remaining sister and two very close friends, so the grieving goes on whilst trying to make the most of life and not dwelling too much on what is past.

Your name makes me wonder if you have a connection to Malta, Msida?

Strangely enough, I was talking with a friend yesterday, and she said exactly the same thing, when I was telling her I felt Covid was meaning I couldn’t grieve properly. She said it was only in the second year that she realised it was ‘real’. I think I know what she meant. At the Bodach’s funeral another friend said, “ That’s the easy bit over’, and I know what she meant too

I agree Daddima. People are generally kind and make allowances for you in the early months and there can be so much to see to, you are on autopilot much of the time.
By the second year you are expected to have “got over it” and everybody is hugely relieved when you pin a smile on and venture out.
I think that is when it really hits home that this is for ever, that life will never be the same and that you have become a different person. Without wanting to or being prepared for it.
Because there is no preparation, you cannot rehearse grief, being left behind affects every tiny bit of your life. I have found it harder to make decisions, for instance, even though I was often the instigator of changes in our life or home. Choosing wallpaper or colours- I find I can’t be bothered with projects (what is the point?) or even in the days when we could still go to places, I can’t summon up the enthusiasm because I have no one to share it with.
While Paw was alive he was quite often not well enough to go to things but I was fine on my own, however now that is my default position, I hesitate or cancel. Sorry to go on, third anniversary coming up but not “getting there” if there is a “there”, just going on going on.

I remember when I realised that no-one cleared up at home any more, if I left any dishes, they were still there in the morning. I was alone for the very first time in my life, no-one there to do anything for me, even to make me a cup of tea, that was a pretty big hurdle to overcome.

Significant dates came and went but I made sure that I went out, it was always national trust then, people around but sitting by myself at lunchtime. People in groups or twos, hardly anyone on their own, only me. Don`t be afraid to go out, you need to get a change of scenery. I go out on my own all the time but I mostly do it via cycling, it helps my health and I see moving scenery faster and best of all, no one pities a lone cyclist

It’s a hard hard time in unchartered waters. When my son died I was in limbo for 4 years waiting for the inquest. You never get over it but you learn how to cope. And a very important thing I learnt was compassion. I received this from the most unexpected people, all of whom I learnt had suffered the loss of a loved one. I am giving it to you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you craftyone that was so helpful each word written helped

I am a problem solver but my brother sat me down and explained that this isn't something that can be solved, it's beyong your control he said, that really hurt but of course was true.

Yesterday I had a walk to the shop and as I am walking I look at people and the traffic and think but my husband has died, how dies everything just continue to go on, I started to cry because I couldn't cope with that emotion. I had heard people say that but had never felt it myself

I feel more than fortunate to have discovered gransnet I don't know what I would do without it at the minute

T h a n k y o u ?
I think keeping busy is a big one and so important defnetley

I think, as well as it being more real the second year, other factors that make it harder are that others have moved on and there can be an expectation that we should be too by now. Also, the first year can be busy with things like sorting estates and, sometimes, involvement of the medical examiner. Having to do all these things is surreal and keeps the mind busy. When that is all gone and the world just keeps turning, there is a new reality to face and become accustomed to.

hondagirl

I do agree actually that the second year is harder. Those first sympathies have disappeared and everyone expects you to be getting on with your life.
I think that the first year I was living in a parallel universe and especially just after my husband had died. I don't know if this is your brain's way of trying to protect you. I definitely find now that I seem to be coming to the realisation that this is it and that he is not coming back. There are reminders everywhere in the house and I do find that really hard.
During the first year I went alone on a trip to Europe to visit my son and then travelled to New Zealand to spend Christmas with my daughter. The thought of traelling anywhere on my own now I find very daunting.

Strangely enough, I was talking with a friend yesterday, and she said exactly the same thing, when I was telling her I felt Covid was meaning I couldn’t grieve properly. She said it was only in the second year that she realised it was ‘real’. I think I know what she meant. At the Bodach’s funeral another friend said, “ That’s the easy bit over’, and I know what she meant too.

msida, you are asking exactly the same question that I asked after my husband died. There was no-one to ask, I got on a local (country) bus and sat behind two older women who looked as though they had been widowed. I asked them and they were so kind. They said that it becomes easier to live with and indeed it does

Grief has stages and everyone goes through the stages at a different rate. At first my heart was pounding so much, I could hear it in my ears in bed at night so I concentrated on repairing the actual physical symptoms which are caused by cortisol. I did this by just sitting and looking at some trees, hypnosis cds that helped me sleep, meditation and quiet cycling outside on my own

Little by little, the stages unwrapped themselves and there is much online about the various stages. I made myself busy, I cleared, I maintained the house, always busy and the work helped

Year 4 I decided that I would move and I did, packed up everything myself, still busy. That was the year that I went through the last stage of acceptance and being able to forge a new life for myself.

In the 18 months after I was widowed, I lost my dear sister in law exactly one year to the day and my sister, 6 months later

Msida what did help very greatly, was to have a short list, every single day before going to bed, something to get up for, a few things to do. Also I made very sure that I ate well, just simple food and perhaps all in one pan eg rice, fish and easy veg. The first thing to do though is to help your physical self, the mental healing will follow

hugs from me, I know exactly what you are going through

I do agree actually that the second year is harder. Those first sympathies have disappeared and everyone expects you to be getting on with your life.
I think that the first year I was living in a parallel universe and especially just after my husband had died. I don't know if this is your brain's way of trying to protect you. I definitely find now that I seem to be coming to the realisation that this is it and that he is not coming back. There are reminders everywhere in the house and I do find that really hard.
During the first year I went alone on a trip to Europe to visit my son and then travelled to New Zealand to spend Christmas with my daughter. The thought of traelling anywhere on my own now I find very daunting.

I lost my dh to the virus in March. He was a healthy 63 year old so the shock was immense. I am still coming to terms with losing the person who made my life complete. I can't say the pain and emptiness eases...it is just different. I can see a way forward even in the dark days. Hold on to that...no rush just work through it.

I'm going to say it, not because I want to worry anyone, but because it was helpful to me to have heard it. When my daughter died I was told by many that the second year is the hardest. I didn't believe it, but I found this to be true. I hope it isn't for anyone here but I'm sharing it so that if it does prove to be true, you know you aren't alone and it can be normal.

Been so very helpful reading your posts., everyone so helpful and I czn refer to them when ever I need to

I can not thank you enough for t as king the time to share your experiences and to go e advice

It helped loads thank you

My husband died 13 years ago when I was 57 and I don't know now how I kept going for the first few years. I think it helped having a goal as I was determined to move away, straightaway. I find as hollysteers says I seem to remember his faults more than the happy times we spent together, which we did. I wish I could remember them more without the sadness and regrets attached. I have had some amazing times since and it was right for me to move.

You will see from my name that I have lost my husband. It is rather strange that this thread should appear now.This weekend is the one I am dreading,my DH died 12 months ago tomorrow and Sunday would have been his 80th birthday. My family are unable to come as we are in Tier 3 but I am hoping for some phonecalls.I think the first year is the hardest but time will ease the sorrow.I am much more cheerful than I was and rarely cry,I have a good sense of humour which certainly helps.My DH had Alzheimer's as well as severe lung problems and he would not have been able to cope with Covid or understand why family couldn't visit.
I enjoy being reminded of him ,looking round my lounge there are 16 photos of us and he has his arm round me on virtually every one.
We had been married 37 years ,it was second marriage for him and third for me .My previous husband died two weeks before our 1st wedding anniversary. I never thought or wanted to marry again but 18 months later married my DH.
My advice would be to enjoy the memories of your husband and remember the things that amused you both.