Family boundaries

I agree with others that this situation really doesn't need to be made confrontational. I loved my MIL dearly, she was a strong character who had an opinion on most things and wasn't shy about giving it. As other people have said, I used to just nod and smile, take on board what suited me and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it was HER opinion, I didn't have to accept it and certainly wasn't going to fall out with her over it or start putting "boundaries" in place. Key is not to discuss, that's what gives the power and makes you doubt yourself.

We became estranged eventually, after years of the sort of thing you describe. This is your home, your family......your rules. It’s sad she’s on her own, and I know we all have to face that one day, but it doesn’t give her license to take over your lives. Be assertive now, and say NO. She may not realise she’s being this way. Give her a chance to change, and if she doesn’t...you absolutely don’t have to put up with it. All the best.

Absolutely nooo way would I attempt in any way to advise or control or suggest anything to my DIL - god help me if I did! Anyway her own mother controls a good part of her daughter’s life as well as advising. So long as I am still in contact with my son and grandchildren it is what it is. Keeps the peace too. I do think you sound a lovely DIL in how you worry and have empathised with MIL - she doesn’t realise just how lucky she is and perhaps takes you for granted.

My first thought as I read your post was - wow your MIL should count her blessings as it seems she has such a nice calm caring DIL. I myself am a MIL.

Where's your husband in all of this? Surely it would be easier for him to comment to his mother

From within you

Lucca

Feeling worthless is not a nice feeling for sure
However, relying on others to fulfill your emotional needs is not healthy. It has to come within you

Luca - whilst Hithere made their point rather bluntly, I’m afraid I must agree. No-one would take the place of my mother ever and someone attempting to have a similar role in my life would be met with massive resistance and even hostility - I have a mum.
I think a more reasonable approach would be to try and forge a friendship of sorts, a mutual respect.
By the time one gains a MIL they are already a developed adult, so a parenting role is neither appropriate or wanted for many. A friendship on the other hand may be welcomed.

Hithere

Lucca

How is it unkind?

How to make MIL. Feel worthless.

This is more about you than your MIL. You need more confidence. I have been a daughter in Law and now I am a MIL. Boy did I have to learn fast, even though I had read extensively about the role, it didn’t really prepare me for the tension involved. I get on with them all by keeping my mouth tight shut. One of my DILs has just asked me to come and live with her for a bit as she is pregnant and not feeling very well. It is a honour.

You have to be yourself, and if this involves telling your MIL how you feel, then you have to go for it, because the situation is eating you up. However, there is a difference in telling someone aggressively, and telling them assertively.
You can begin by telling her positive feelings that you have about her. And then.....how her comments, ( that you feel are said because she wants to be helpful, are making you feel insecure and inadequate as a parent) . And....if she doesn’t stop, it will result in you distancing yourself as you are being hurt by them. ( no MIL will want that) And then end with some positive comments.
Don’t tell her what you think she is. Keep to your own feelings.

Or be aggressive and just say to her “ bugger off because you are getting on my nerves” and destroy her.
Good luck.

I had to be polite but very firm with my mother-in-law in the early years of our marriage.

She'd invite herself to visit and bring her sister, who once sat in our lounge and told my husband she didn't like how our furniture was arranged. (I'd moved things around).

The worst though was just after our first baby was born. Mother-in-law started talking about a christening and we said we hadn't made any decisions about it yet.
She said we had to have the baby christened, otherwise if they died they wouldn't go to heaven.
I blew my top and said if that's your idea of god I want no part of it.

We get on great now, but she had to learn she couldn't dictate to me like she did her own family.

I think No Spaghetti ‘s comments are spot on.

Wish I’d thought of that many years ago with my Mother in law. She was also very controlling and at times I felt helpless.
Too late now, though as she no longer here.

Lucca

How is it unkind?

Hithere

Brandygran

Many Dil already have a mother and may not need another person in that role.

That is also a a generational difference that creates a lot of tension

Ouch that’s unkind.

Brandygran

Many Dil already have a mother and may not need another person in that role.

That is also a a generational difference that creates a lot of tension

I think you should be flattered- she s treating you more like her own daughter and feels you are close enough to say those things to you.
Just say you ll think about it but don't do anything !

Maybe try turning things around a little, eg. re the hair do, suggest she arrange an appointment with a hairdresser for the two of them and that she takes your daughter out for some clothes shopping - make an afternoon of it. Find and make suggestions for things for her to do like make dinner one night a week for the family . Turn the suggestions into a conversation, it will be easier to put your views across . I was lucky, I had the most amazing MIL and was devastated when she passed away.

Indeed it was.

Liz46

You made me laugh Bibbity.

Really....

fortunately not English but British...

how rude

What MawB2 said.

I jjst go for an "oh do you think so" and change the subject. And ignore what she has suggested!!

Sometimes us mil’s need a little reminder to stop giving opinions. You don’t have to fall out with her just let her know that when she offers her opinions it makes you feel that she undermines you and your choices. Keep it short sweet and to the point. I think you might find that she could be horrified at the way she’s making you feel and apologise for being so forthright. You sound like a lovely lady and lm sure mil is nice too. Just be honest with her.

Not Spaghetti has given a good response. It’s a difficult situation.

One of my Dil’s ignores everything I say. I’m learning not to say anything ?
Sometimes I’m aware I’m about to say something or express an opinion then I button up but sometimes it just slips out.
I do try to remember that I had my turn and now it’s their turn.
They’re certainly making a very good job of it and all my grandchildren are happy and confident ?

If your daughter "needs" a haircut / clothes / specific foods, is the mother-in -law going to take her shopping / to salon / buy the foods? You can ask her what I just asked you. If yes, it's up to you whether you accept, or say that actually, it's your decision, if no, ask her why she therefore suggesting it. Also,. suggest to your husband that he tells her to tell you things herself, not use him as her spokesperson, and tell her you'd rather she told you what she wants to tell you, herself, because the way your husband says it, sounds overly critical.