Relationship with DILs

I don't have a DIL but I was a DIL twice.
My first MIL was great, so hard working and family minded. He had a lot of children and and therefore lots of SILs and DILs. She was a rock to all.
My second MIL was a complete nightmare. So demanding and full of her own importance. She promoted male supremacy and I most certainly did not. She expected me to supply the finance for her son (2nd husband) to act the big I am. I was not prepared to go along with any of her views. She complained about her husband but she put up with it for over 40 years without telling him or stopping him.
I don't have any DILs but I have had 4 SILs. I only have 2 DDs! What an array of awful males. One was violent, more than one were drug takers, they do not earn but my DD earn well and put in long hours. They seem to think I am daft enough not to notice. I got fed up doing a lot of their housework and childcare. I was heartily displeased that one was trying to interfere in my financial arrangements and was constantly dictating what I should be spending money on which was strangely going to benefit him. I noted his family were not putting up any money. I could not have a discussion about my family money with my daughter. I do realise that she should have told him to stay out of it.
I feel sorry that my DD did not get the financial benefit I wanted her to have but no SIL is going to tell me what I should spend money on.
I mind my own business now and do not discuss finances with any of them.

EMOT our situation is the same, we were estranged by our son 8 years ago and lost our only GC.

Time does make the pain less but it's always there.

Feel for you re your sons estrangement. My DIL is simply hell and controls and manipulates everything and everyone. This has led to my son cutting us out of his life and us losing our gorgeous grand children. It’s the most devastating feeling ever and I can only hope time will make the pain less.

My relationship with one DIL is fab she's a great woman, hard working and reliable. The relationship with other DIL is non existent. She is a narcissist and bordering on sociopath and has torn our family apart. Despite having treated both as family as soon as we knew the relationships were serious the one has completely changed once she got the engagement ring on her finger. My DS does not see any of his old friends (only hers), his aunt and uncles (she doesn't "feel comfortable" with his family) or his sibling (because they are "too close" & she doesn't understand their humour). It has been a really difficult time but I've decided that until my DS sees the light things won't change. Her relationship with my stbxh though is slightly warmer as he was not as close to DS as me and he has money which she likes. I have to say that the problems she has caused in our household added to the reason I chose to divorce my oh. He would stand by and let her be rude to me and my other AC and say nothing to not rock the boat ?. As I said though my other DIL is great, not money orientated, works hard, is helpful and will ask for help if needed. My relationship with my MIL was good, she was a lovely woman, could be a bit pushy at times but would step back if asked and I now know was a Saint for putting up with my FIL who gaslighted her for years, like father like son!

aonk has hit the nail on the head. We will always be second best. I have 2 d.i.ls ......one of them is very sweet, and kind to me. The other is an only child and is therefore very close to her mother. She has never taken a liking to me, for some reason. I blame my son. He is opinionated and has said some very nasty things to me over the years. He is a loving, faithful husband and a great Daddy and I suppose that's all that matters. There's a family joke that he suffers from 'middle child syndrome'. His father and I are divorced and I think some of his angst comes from there.

Our DIL is pleasant. She’s a good wife and mother and gives our DS so much love and support. She’s always made it clear however that we’re different from her own family and that their views, customs etc are what matters to her. We always take second place to her parents and sister and this is unlikely to change. We know she prefers to be with them and feel we’re only tolerated out of politeness. Our son is happy and the GC are so well cared for so we try to concentrate on that.

I love my DiL and have a brilliant relationship with her. She came to live at our house with our DS before they got their first place together, so got to know her really well. She invited me along, together with her DM, when she went wedding dress shopping and even asked if I would like to go with her when she had a scan with her first baby. Because we were retired and DiL's parents weren't, we were the ones always at hand to help out when needed. As far as my DH is concerned, she loves him and would ask him to do something for her rather than her own father, and he makes her laugh. We are all so lucky.

My DIL is a truly awful person. I really hate to say it but I thought she was really like me. Ambitious, wanting to better herself. In reality, she was an abuser and eventually was charged with assault after her son from a previous relationship phoned the police and said 'my mum is killing my dad' she got off with it. She has told my son he will never see his children until they are adults. He's a covid long hauler and doesn't have the energy or the health to fight her. I haven't seem my DGD since she was 2 and she's now 8. Sorry I've strayed from the point but sometimes it makes me so mad. \Sorry, folks, it just touched a nerve

I have one sil, not the norm, as he’s married to my son . Although we are estranged, and up to that point we did get on.
But I do think he’s perfect for my son, and they have a great life together. It’s weird to say I have a sil, when I don’t feel as though I have.
Any partners my children have had, I’ve always been nice to them, not to say they’d be my choice.

So very sad to hear that, morethan2. I realised how much I loved my dil after she gave birth to our beautiful grandchild after a long and difficult labour. I was nearly sick with worry that something terrible would happen to her. She let me hold the baby very soon after the birth. She is kind and thoughtful too and puts up with my son! Last year she gave me a special decoration straight off their tree to remind me of our wonderful grandchild. I was very touched by that indeed. Feel lucky to have her.

Wonderful DIL, wonderful SIL and I had a wonderful MIL, I have been very very lucky.

My middle son says the same as polly's son lol and so does DIL

I am a DIL and am still in touch with my first MIL. Divorced from her son about 19 years ago but we had known each other since I was 17 and I'm now 58 so an important relationship in my life. Don't see 2nd MIL much but phone regularly etc
Have 3 DIL's. I like them all. Get on v well with one and also with her mum. 1 is in America but wemessage often.
I try not to be too demanding of them (I remember feeling slightly resentful of that when I was younger)
It's a tricky path cos sometimes not being too demanding can be seen as not being interested enough.
Try not to side with your sons if they come to you with grumbles - it's often only a storm in a teacup

My daughter-in-law is the daughter I never had, we get on well , she and my son lived with us for 6 mths til they saved a deposit for their first flat. We see them every week and before COVID had craft sessions and visits to craft fairs and shopping. She also gets on with my husband. We now have two wonderful grandchildren, which we childcare for once or twice a week. My son jokes that if they ever broke up I’d choose her first. Love them both so can’t imagine that ever happening.

My DS and DIL divorced this past year. I was devastated - sad for him that his marriage didn’t work out and sad because I really love her. Sad for our DGS. However, miraculously (at least at present,) she and I have been fine - their house is a mile away (DS is now with us) and we all share childcare so she’s here often. She and I actually went away for a a ladies’ trip of a few days a few weeks ago to give us a break and let the guys fend for themselves. She and DS are determined to keep things amicable for the sake of DGS. This all may change of course but I’m hoping not. She doesn’t have parents - never knew her dad and mum died years ago, so that may be a factor.

I have one DiL who I get on very well with, always made to feel valued and welcome. My other DiL makes me feel I am an imposition and only views, customs from her own family, extending so far as great uncle/aunts are of any value. To me her views are set in traditions and unless you are knowledgeable of these anything you say just doesn't matter. With the Christmas season upon us this is an example of a tradition - presents are given out hourly from the time children awaken until 10 pm at night. I felt so mercenary the first time I spent Christmas Day with son and family as I had one gift for each person I knew would be there. Also became so sick of having to stop to admire presents. It's tradition though!!

I have the loveliest daughter-in-law any mother-in-law could wish for.

My son and his partner aren't married YET but I consider his partner as my DIL as they are expecting their first baby. I Have been fretting over 'saying the right thing' not being too involved or not involved enough. Reading these messages gives me heart - it is an eternal problem! I am now taking it steady, being kind and offering help when I can and letting the relationship grow. I can see from your posts that it takes time. I may not be her mother but I hope I can be a support for her if she needs it. After all I did live with her partner (my son) for many years so can understand quite a bit of what she might be facing some days! We have a laugh about that now and it gives me some encouragement she trusts me not to interfere but just reassure her she is doing a great job and I just want the very best for them

I get on extremely well with my Daughter in law. I don't have a partner so not relevant. I have two Sons but currently just the one Daughter in law.

Our sons all have lovely wives and we are happy that our sons are happily married. Unfortunately, I can't say they are wonderful DiLs but we live along way from them all, so we rub along when we meet up. My first MiL died before we were married, she was a nice lady, second MiL was 80 when I met her (DH was a surprise baby!), so she always seemed like a little old lady, I hope I was kind to her and that she liked me.

I have daughters so no DIL. My eldest daughter is married and I feel I have a good relationship with my SIL. My youngest daughter had been with her boyfriend for six years and engaged for 3. They both lived with me until they bought a flat last year. A few months ago my daughter split up with her fiance and I respect her decisions for doing so. He has been an uncle figure to both my grandsons and they have known him since birth. Now that connection is lost,I can understand his pain but it's still very sad.

I haven’t got DiL but two nice SiL - however, whenever I’m on the brink of saying something to my daughters that could cause “waves” I always think to myself ‘would I say this to a DiL’ if my answer is no I bite my tongue! It works for me and I hope for them. Btw DD don’t know I do this ?
I think my daughters MiLs are fortunate but then I’m a bit biased!

I don't have a daughter in law but I am one . My experience with my mother in law has been absolutely awful . She has always stirred trouble in the family . I have tolerated her for my husband sake . Yesterday day she started stirring pot again saying our daughter was liar . This is the straw that broke the camel's back . I have told my husband our daughter and I no longer want anything to do with her . I have told him I am not stopping him from seeing her but we have no interest . There is just to much grief having her in our life's . So if you do have a daughter in law be kind to her , even if you don't always agree with her .

My ex.DIL. Didn’t want a relationship with me. I was very inclusive with her and when my son left my DIL , just a few months ago. . I didn’t judge either of them and tried to support my DIL but she wasn’t interest. I doubt I will ever hear or see from her again, even though they were together for over 20 years, since Uni. I think she was close to her own Mum, so didn’t need me.

Interesting thread. So often on this site there is a lot of DiL bashing so it’s nice that many of you get on with your DiL’s. I think that with regard to divorce it takes two so it’s easy to believe that your child had no part in the split and to blame DiL (or SiL).