Dilemma

Thanks Grannynannywanny I have to say it didn't impact greatly on me at the time, my parents handled things very well, a fact I didn't appreciate until I was older.
It's a shame I have no memories of them at all but I was lucky in many other ways.

sodapop I’m sad to read your post. That must have been tough for you?

I think Feelingmyage55 is probably right. In my experience, grandparents are more likely to find a relationship difficult with a child that doesn't conform to their wants or expectations. Maybe it's accepting that this child isn't cuddly like the others? That's okay. Maybe they are less likely to conform and question things? That's okay too. Maybe they remind GM of someone else in the family GM isn't so keen on? That needs to be put aside because they are not that person. Maybe they like to be alone and GM feels rejected when they want a child who will dote on them?

All these examples, the root of the problem is that the GM isn't accepting the child as the individual they are. The child isn't meeting GM's needs or wants, so GM feels upset about that.

This child is 12. At 12 I don't think I was the most warm person either. No-one knew but I was going through a lot at that age. Love and acceptance was just what I needed. A GM who loved all my siblings and cousins and had nothing to do with me would have just reinforced every negative thought I had about myself.

Besides that, exclusion is generally considered bullying.

espee. I’m shocked by your comment.

I wonder if the child is shy and the granma always wants to be cuddling/cuddled. I’ve seen this happen and a granma be persistent. Instead of creating an emotional and physical closeness, it can make a child (or a person) very resistant and seem cold, when all the child wants is for boundaries to be respected. My own MIL was guilty of insisting that the children sat on her knee for the duration of her visit. They just didn’t want to and she would get very cross with them (and me). Your friend needs to be consistently kind but not pushy with this child. A mature lady should have the nous to build a gentle friendship but not be forceful which can be off putting at any age.

My maternal grandparents would have nothing to do with me because I was adopted and illegitimate. Different times but I feel for other children treated in this way.

I really don’t think you should be worrying about this. There’s absolutely nothing you can do, except be there if your friend wants you to. Maybe you feel you should be doing something, but really, it’s not for you to get involved. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh.

Your friend should treat all her grandchildren equally. It is only right and proper. It will backfire on her if she doesn't do so.

It is true that some people are more likeable than others and you can take to some children more than others but it is wrong to let such a feeling show.

Sorry Esspee but the “Looking into her eyes was like confronting evil” comment shocked me. I’ve never ever heard an adult express that opinion about a young child.

Offtopic, unrelated to thread: it is true that instincts and gut feeling warn a person of danger.

I think your friend needs to remember who is the adult here Gamms there is often one child in a family who struggles with relationships etc. It's down to your friend to help her or at the very least include her in the same way she does the other grandchildren.

I should also point out that on at least two occasions my reaction to adult males who gave me goosebumps turned out to be totally vindicated. Just accept some people are more sensitive than others. G

Not at all Grannynannywanny she is a lovely looking child but interacting with her gave me goosebumps. I have had similar reactions to adults but never ever to a child. Clearly you have not had the misfortune to experience this so please do not feel you need to comment.

Esspee I wouldn’t know where to start with your post. You’ve labelled a young child malevolent and evil because you didn’t like the look of her???

I always believed children were all innocent until I met a child my granddaughter was visiting on a play date. The child gave off a malevolent feeling which thoroughly spooked me. Looking into her eyes was like confronting evil. I have warned my son to watch when his little one is with her. The older sister is lovely and best friends with my oldest granddaughter but the younger child..............

Maybe the child is cold and distant as she has picked up on her grandmother not liking her.

I feel so sorry for that unloved child.

Chewbacca that woman sounds like she was a thoroughly nasty person. Pity her inexcusable behaviour wasn’t nipped in the bud sooner. I’m afraid I wouldn’t have wanted her near any of the children.

A friend of mine had 3 children; all lovely, well balanced and affectionate. But one of their grandmother's made it crystal clear that she disliked one of those children. She would knit for 2, but not the 3rd. She took great care to choose the prefect birthday and Christmas gift for 2 but the 3rd was lucky if they got anything at all. She would invite 2 for a sleepover, but not the 3rd. And on it went, with one child being deliberately excluded. The situation was discussed between the parents and GM many times but she simply said "we can't like everyone in life can we?", and carried on as before. As the children grew, all 3 recognised that the problem wasn't with child 3, but with their GM and they simply accepted it and pitied and laughed about her.
GM eventually died and in her will, she left everything, not surprisingly, to 2 GC, excluding the 3rd entirely. But her spite and ill will back fired on her because the 2 "favoured" GC simply divided their inheritance 3 ways, not 2. And GM was never referred to again by any of them.

Awww, how sad...I can’t imagine it?. No matter how a child behaves, it’s not for the grandparent to sort out, it’s for the parents. I presume they’re not all living with her, and she sees them sporadically, as most of us do perhaps with grandchildren. Surely she should be able to cope. I think it’s quite normal for a twelve year old to be self centred and cold, with hormones kicking in. Or has she always been like this? Is there anything else? Whatever the answers, the most she could do is to discuss with the parents. She may then find out why she behaves as she does. Please don’t let her switch off though, my granny was the rock when I felt my parents weren’t. The age I remember this the most was 12!

What a shame!

Tell her to be kind to this girl

She's the adult

How awful to have a Grandma that wants nothing to do with you.

Poor child. There can be many reasons why some children aren't as open and forthcoming as others. Please just treat her with the same friendliness as you would to any child.

Maybe she is shy, lacking in confidence, hurting, etc etc. I'm sure she has noticed she is different to her cousins and probably doesn't know what to do about it so retreats into herself.

is this really your grandchild? When people write with a problem they always say 'my friend! Just wondered!

maybe this child is mildly autistic. My mother had six children and she always reminded us that you never get two the same!

The poor child has been labelled and that label predicates how her grandmother behaves towards her.

Has the grandmother ever thought or considered why the child is like this? The child could be autistic, could have experienced sex abuse or just got a jumble of genes that make her like that. This child probably needs the love, warmth and attention of a loving grandmother more than all the other grandchildren put together.

As others say, she should grow up and stop acting like a child herself.

cold and distant and by all accounts extremely self-centred. My friend has never been able to warm up to her. The truth be told, she doesn’t want any type of relationship with her granddaughter

Im sorry but I think it’s your friend who sounds cold and distant. It’s beyond me that any grandparent could say that about one of her GC.

The poor child has likely already picked up on her lack of affection and feels awkward around her grandmother. What a sad situation for that child.