Adult children

25Avalon said it perfectly- no overt criticism, just sowing the seeds for him to think about

Randomnan,

Family getting along is not "normal".
What is normal anyway?

What you want for the family may not be what other relative wants for the same family.

Some get along, some dont.
Personalities may not match, some relatives may not want to the same level of contact as others, etc
Being family doesn't guarantee harmonious relationships

Thanks Hetty but the ‘Normal’ I was referring to was in relation to my family and not the conditions needed to avoid another pandemic

RandomNan, Surely, we don't! Why the wish to return to the ideal conditions - for the next pandemic? We need to change things drastically!

Thank you Sara - yes it does help, know others empathise from experience.

Hetty-surely we would all like everything back to normal ?!

RandomNan, adult children (everybody, really) will have differences of opinion. They should learn to 'agree to disagree' and stay civil - out of respect for you.

I've found that the best approach is to make it plainly obvious that the bickering is upsetting you.

I'm worried about your 'wanting everything back to normal' comment, though. Don't you realise the impossibility of that?

RandomNan
I have a lot of sympathy. My single adult son is absolutely horrible to his sister’s children, I don’t know where it comes from because as a young man he was much kinder and far more tolerant
We are all involved in the same family business, so they are in and out a lot, especially last year, and they’re well behaved and helpful.
My husband and I tell him to stop being so horrible, but he takes no notice, I can’t imagine what the rest of the staff think!
I could cry sometimes, I feel that ashamed of him.
I’m sorry I’m no help, just thought it might help to know you’re not on your own

Irrespective of whether your daughter broke the rules or not, I can't get past a grown man ignoring a little child who was calling out to him. That would be the deal breaker for me.

You can’t make your children like one another - mine don’t and whole family gatherings (remember those?) are kept short for that reason. Upsetting a three year old is pathetic and your DS deserves to be taken to task for that, but on the whole I would keep out of their disagreements. Whatever lies behind their quarrel is their problem and not yours, much as we would like everyone to get on well. Good luck!

Your son seems unnecessarily judgemental towards his sister regarding her seeing a friend in need out of doors. I am in Tier 4 and, as I understand the rules, one person from a household can meet up with one other person from a different household out of doors. Many people are on the edge at the moment and it seems that your daughter did what she could to help a friend while sticking to the rules.

I think that I would be checking up on that rule if I were in your shoes. If the above is correct I would be telling him that he is mistaken in assuming his sister breaking the rules. I think 25Avalon's approach regarding your little gd would be wise. I don't think he would ignore her another time if you take that approach. It is very difficult for you with one of the siblings living in your home

I feel for you Randomnan as this is all the more difficult under your roof. You will be privy to more than you bargained for because of it.

I’d be tempted to try it as 25Avalon suggests first. But be prepared to back it up later by saying ‘either sort yourselves out or move out as I’m not happy getting upset in my own home, it’s your choice’.

Good luck!

Let us know how you get on RandomNan and there's no need for you to be embarrassed; he's a man and responsible for his own behaviour.

First things first. You need to address this directly with him head on. If he can’t be civil to your granddaughter when he’s living in your house, he needs to find somewhere else to live. Why is he living in your house, anyway?

Second, you can’t make things right between warring siblings. When they are away from you, how they relate to one another is their problem, not yours. You should refuse to discuss the things that annoy them about one another, and never take sides.

Sometimes you need to say things to men and let it compost for a few days to take effect. I think I would say “did you not hear little ...... calling you? She really likes you and was so disappointed that you didn’t reply” then go quiet and leave it to ferment, which it will if he has a conscience and you have not been confrontational. If it doesn’t there’s not much hope I’m afraid.

Good on you Randomnan sometimes we just have to say what we think.

Thank you all, exactly as I thought. I actually feel embarrassed that he could be like this and I’m going to pluck up the courage to say so too. I’m glad I’ve got my feet wet in the Gransnet forums and hope I can add some value and help someone else at some point too !

I can understand you not wanting to get in the middle, but surely if either of them say anything that is totally owrong you would correct them?
IMO your DD didn’t do anything wrong in meeting someone outdoors in what seems to be an emergency and your Son was totally wrong to ignore his niece.

I wouldn’t be on the fence on this occasion.

Ignoring his little niece is totally unforgvable. I think you should tell him that you noticed it. His sister and he can sort their problems out themselves, but the little one is an innocent victim of the conflict.
My middle son doesn’t get on with his older sister. He has always been a difficult boy. She’s no angel either. Add his wife into the mix and there’s always fireworks. I dread family get-togethers. So, I can see how the situation has affected you. Just watch them battle it out, but don’t interfere. All the best !!

I disagree. Your daughter was right.
She room the steps possible to potentially save her friend while staying safe.

So on one hand you have a daughter who does what is in her power to help someone. And a son of who will spite a 3 year old.

Why are you in the middle? I know where I would stand.

What farnorth said

Yes I agree with you too Curlywhirly. It's up to your S and D to sort out their relationship or not RandomNan but for your S to deliberately ignore his 3 year old niece is despicable and extremely hypocritical of someone remonstrating with their sister that she "doesn't care enough about people ......".

Some siblings just never get on and there is conflict whenever they meet. I think it is taking it too far when a child is caught up in this. Your DS was wrong to ignore his niece. That was unforgivable.
I would have to mention it to him but not get involved in quarrels with his sister.

I feel so sad that I could have raised him to be the type of man that can be spiteful to a small child

You have already found the words!

I agree with Curlywhirly.
I'd tell him I was keeping out of the quarrel between him and his sister but there's no reason to be unkind to a little child.

Btw, I don't think your DD did wrong if she was distanced and the friend really needed support.

Well no matter what has gone on between them, he should not be taking it out on a child, that's just despicable. If it was one of my sons, I would be having a very strong word with him about it (and I absolutely hate confrontation and avoid it all costs, but even I wouldn't be able to keep quiet about that kind of behaviour).