Disrespectful grandchildren

I had problems with my teenage daughter too, but she is now a good mum and caring daughter. But I always made rules and you have to be the parent and not try to be a friend. Parents set the ground rules in the household and no matter how hard it must be adhered to. Your daughter must not tolerate verbal abuse and neither should you. She must be taught that it is unacceptable behaviour, hurtful and will absolutely not be tolerated. I would take the phone away at night and also when she is abusive. The normal stuff like staying in room or sulking, is the usual thing but abuse is different and must be stamped out. Your daughter is the parent and she needs to act like one, possibly with your help.

No rule book for adults or for teens!
It’s the Kevin/Perry syndrome - I’ve got my last teenager at home (14 boy) I survived my other 3 ... just muddling through - learning curves for everyone .... teenagers : they are all the same and they are all different. My advise is the same as others - choose your battles ... but stand your ground, they think they know everything and won’t be told they don’t. I’m sure there is a lovely person inside that teen facade somewhere who’s just trying to figure themselves out - hard enough any time but so much more in a pandemic like this! Good luck!

The trouble here, I feel, is you are witnessing not-so-good parenting at close range.

If your daughter doesn't have any consequences for actions you are not in position to give them. It must be really frustrating.

Could you have a chat with your daughter about maybe having a new start family meeting about how to get by during the lockdown. Involve the teenager in the decision making. Maybe encourage her to have a role in how things get done? Say "none of us like this - what can we do to feel better"?

Maybe she will tell you what's the worst of things and you can at least start a dialogue and show her that you are all basically "on her side" and want her to be as happy as is possible given the circumstances. If there is no dialogue, laying ground rules and agreeing/accepting consequences is difficult.

Good luck.

Mydaughter drew up a 'contract' with her 2 boys at the start of this term! The boys are 11 and 14. They agreed the terms, and signed it. Part of the contract was that they should hand over their phones, and any other devices at the start of the school day. They are allowed their phones back during the lunch break, then at the end of the day. Seems to be working...............and they know they are not being separated from their phones for too long!! (Part of the contract includes being nice to mum, walking the dog, helping empty the dishwasher etc). My daughter is a single mum, and her boys need to know that she needs help during the day.
Raging hormones in a 13 year old female can be responsible for all sorts of behaviour we all know that!! Good luck

I am feeling so , so sorry for all young people at the moment. They are being denied time away from the prying eyes of their family, can’t see friends and I expect are scared about their loved ones possibly dying. Their world has been turned upside down, all routine is gone and exams may or may not be happening. I wish I had a magic wand and fairy dust to put things right for them. Us older people, the nanas and grans just have to stay indoors which is difficult but nothing like as hard as pre teens and teens are having to cope with and most of them seem to be coping really well.

The issue is not your grand daughter.

The issue is the poor parenting of your daughter.

And this is not “typical” or “normal”.

It’s rude and nasty. Name calling is not acceptable.

Hetty58

grandtanteJE65, really? Were your children perfect at that age? Mine weren't - far from it - and now, I do feel sorry for teenagers, as they're effectively 'grounded' by lockdown.

stjohngirl, try to be as understanding as you possibly can. I know it's really difficult.

If you can manage it, remain (at least outwardly) calm and cheerful. It's best not to take sides or offer any advice - unless it's asked for. It's just a phase and she'll soon grow out of it.

Of course, I agree with you about consequences, but your daughter has her own parenting style. A powerful tactic with grandchildren is to praise everything they do right - and express disappointment when they let you down.

Hetty is certainly right about the efficacy of positive praise. The younger of my two Nephews went through an ‘interesting’ phase when younger and was difficult to say the least. I used to praise him to the hilt for anything good he did and have always called him ‘my lovely boy’. His parents showed remarkable forbearance, patience and tolerance and gradually he grew into the most thoughtful kind and lovely young man. He is now 22 and whilst he has his moments it would be hard to come across a nicer, kinder and more thoughtful young man. We are so proud of him.

I would suggest you jump on the tiniest little positive crumbs with your Granddaughter and praise anything good that she does, she will soon appreciate that positive attention is so much nicer than negative. It is a tricky age and bless them; such a difficult time they are going through when they just want the freedoms we had and took for granted at that age.

I wish you patience, good luck and a ready supply of gin!

I really feel for your granddaughter- its a horrid time for teenagers and the young.
She is not child nor adult but has 13 year olds hormones from puberty which can always be tricky.
From her perspective she hasn't been naughty yet the world is punishing her:-
-Locked up with your mother and grandmother
-Not seeing your friends in person
-Not being allowed to just hang out because you can't go out
-Not going to your usual environmental independent space- e.g.school
- Not having your usual routine but having to do home schooling.
Its awful for her........
In terms of her doing chores and jobs why not admit we all hate this and that there is more domestic work because everyone is at home at the same time all the time. Sit down and talk about this and devise a rota of some sort that gives time and space to you all. Be realistic though teenagers aren't meant to be compliant and helpful and are meant to be focused on themselves so don't expect her to do 1/3 of the work.

I do feel sympathy for young families at this time but children of 13 behaving so badly shouldn’t get away with it ‘because they’re 13’. I wasn’t allowed to and neither were my three children or my grandchildren. She needs to be listened to and encouraged to talk about her feelings but when she’s rational. I feel sorry for (mostly) mums who are stuck at home too, trying to work and juggle their children’s needs - but nothing denies us the right to good manners. Walk away yes but see if you and your daughter can come up with some kind of strategy to nip this in the bud before your granddaughter assumes she can treat whom ever she likes in this way and get away with it. Good luck x

grandtanteJE65

Well, if your daughter didn't bring her daughter up to obey her when she was little, it will be hard trying to start now that she is thirteen.

I honestly do not understand how a girl of thirteen gets to that age without having been taught to speak nicely to her family.

I suggest your daughter cancels her daughter's telephone subscription, or takes the phone away from the girl and tells her she may have it back when she has finished her school-work, helped in the house and done the washing up.

Why are you bringing children up to be selfish uncaring human beings?

What a rude outdated view! To 'Obey' her?? The child isn't a slave for goodness sake. Judging by your rudeness you would have been even worse as a teen!

These teenagers have it so hard right now, its one thing for the adults, where the majority got to go to concerts, theatres, museums, play on bikes, be with friends and all the things we used to do...now the kids are told to Stay Home or you risk killing grandma!

You are extremely uncaring if you don't believe this will affect the stress levels of a child, they are still growing and cannot fathom the fearful world we live in right now!
Yes shes angry, so in my book, I would keep reaching out to her, not avoid her, you are one of the few people she has in her circle right now!

Her mood will be low, theres little else to do, her best happiest carefree years are being lived through massive death counts, so I would leave her notes, something she can read without interrupting. Tell her you love her, you are so sorry about what the world has come to, but things will get easier, this isn't the end of all her fun years, and that you will be there for her whenever she needs you.

She might say nothing, but these kids need support, love and understanding right now, not people avoiding their confusion and pain!

The words - I love you so much, and will ALWAYS love you, but I don't like you at the moment spring to mind.

Paddyanne. I had exactly the same with my - now wonderful amazing 40 year old daughter - I have four children, and Lissie (she knows) was the most wonderful helpful caring child until she turned 13 - then ......... oh dear oh dear, such terrible times - and we had 3 years of her rebelling, but when she turned 16 she turned into the wonderful girl she had always been. I really think it's something we as parents have to put up with. 13 is definitely the age of them 'finding themselves'. She is now such a wonderful wonderful daughter, and although this is water under the bridge, she is reminded now and again about it. xx

I always remember my lovely Mum saying respect has to be earned and it is not a right of passage. Really difficult time for all of us just now but maybe particularly so for teenagers.

grandtanteJE65, really? Were your children perfect at that age? Mine weren't - far from it - and now, I do feel sorry for teenagers, as they're effectively 'grounded' by lockdown.

stjohngirl, try to be as understanding as you possibly can. I know it's really difficult.

If you can manage it, remain (at least outwardly) calm and cheerful. It's best not to take sides or offer any advice - unless it's asked for. It's just a phase and she'll soon grow out of it.

Of course, I agree with you about consequences, but your daughter has her own parenting style. A powerful tactic with grandchildren is to praise everything they do right - and express disappointment when they let you down.

grandtanteJE65

Well, if your daughter didn't bring her daughter up to obey her when she was little, it will be hard trying to start now that she is thirteen.

I honestly do not understand how a girl of thirteen gets to that age without having been taught to speak nicely to her family.

I suggest your daughter cancels her daughter's telephone subscription, or takes the phone away from the girl and tells her she may have it back when she has finished her school-work, helped in the house and done the washing up.

Why are you bringing children up to be selfish uncaring human beings?

Did you mean to sound so rude?

grandtanteJE65 13 year olds can be bolshie, difficult and rude, no matter how well they have been brought up.

Well, if your daughter didn't bring her daughter up to obey her when she was little, it will be hard trying to start now that she is thirteen.

I honestly do not understand how a girl of thirteen gets to that age without having been taught to speak nicely to her family.

I suggest your daughter cancels her daughter's telephone subscription, or takes the phone away from the girl and tells her she may have it back when she has finished her school-work, helped in the house and done the washing up.

Why are you bringing children up to be selfish uncaring human beings?

i guess you mean rows, arguments; not actual fisticuffs.
at least i hope not !

12 year old GD is having fights with her mother, I don't like the way they speak to each other, but definitely best to keep out of it. I remember how difficult DD was at that age!

Show me a teen with a smart phone that isn't on it 24/7, I do not think there is one.

13 s a very very difficult age and to be locked in must be horrendous, no social contact except their phones, and parents or grandparents that they can’t escape from I don’t think I d have acted any better
Give it time she will become much better when this is over and she can get a bit of an escape
Poor kids I feel for them

I have 2 x 12 yr old & x 15 yr old DGC so similar teenageYears. All 3 are pretty good re home learning but 12 yr old boy rarely emerges from his room. He is at home with his working at home mum all day 12 yr & 15 yr old girls also do school work on line..also dance a lot, eat crisps, bake, and chat to friends..and sometimes to me on phone! They are home alone!

My GD is the same age, her phone time is the same at home as it is when she’s in school during the week and not allowed in her room at night.

do you live with them or do they live with you who's home?

sounds kind of usual teenage behaviour.
can her mother ration her use of the phone, only let her have it after some work done.
or just stop paying for it, as a bargaining point.