Are all families dysfunctional?

You are !

There are problems within most families, I don’t know about disfunctional though! I had a doormat years ago that said welcome to the mad house, life is what you make it with few exceptions, people deal with situations differently!

I agree with Nansnet

'What I consider to be dysfunctional, are those families who mistreat each other, cause mental or physical abuse, families whose lives have been ravaged by the effects of drug/alcohol abuse, etc. '

This is as Nansnet said is dysfunctional what most of us have is normal family chaos , ups and downs , good times , difficult times . Happy and sad times . Family life . We overcome struggles because our love is consistent and we help our family if we can .
I'm proud of my childrens successes but I'm also aware that Pride can come before a fall and things can change in the blink of an eye .

A family is a group. It involves generations of patterns eg dealing with conflict or not, communication styles, roles...ways of coping....I have recently become estranged and yet if you look on their Facebook Im sure others would never know that since February amid this pandemic I have had no contact with my daughter and grandchildren because, after much anguish I confronted some troubling issues that my integrity would not allow to go on. It's like a living death. What makes it worse is that does not matter how educated one is in this area (which can make it worse) its still about the heart.

I worry about this obsession with 'labelling'.
Every family is different; with different mixes of personalities and needs.
Perfection only exists in fairy tales, every real family in the world has - at best - a few 'gritty' bits and a measure of ups and downs.

I think every family is different. There's probably no "perfect" family, but some are pretty good, and some are terrible. There's certainly no "normal" because normality doesn't exist as an objective concept really. We are all a bit weird in our own ways, even if we can't see it ourselves.

Maybe they live with rose tinted glasses. A close friend was just like that, going on and on about how clever and successful her kids were. One was so clever he landed in jail, but she is still in denial that his fraud was illegal.

When I was in my 30s and more naive I used to know someone who was always smugly gushing about how perfect everything in her life was - husband, children, even the house they’d left behind in the U.K. (we were living overseas at the time.). When I once mentioned that we’d rented ours out - as many in that position did - she quickly replied that theirs was ‘much too good to rent out’.
As dh pointed out later, I should have replied that there’s no such thing.
It was a few years later once we were back in the U.K. that I heard news of her dh (truly nefarious goings-on) that finally shocked me out of my naive belief that what people told you about their own lives, was necessarily true.

Of course this was well before Facebook and the like, where millions like to depict a ‘perfect life’ that is very likely nothing of the sort, but makes many others feel inadequate.

I agree no family is perfect ,I think some people seem lucky but nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors .

I agree, all families have problems. Sibling rivalry, mean spirited in-laws, divorces, suicides, the list is endless. But who remembers David Nixon who used to sign off his programme thus: "Be nice to each other". If that were always possible, wouldnt the world be a better place!

I suppose the answer depends on how you understand dysfunctional family.

To me, it means a family with extreme problems such as violence, so no only a very small percentage in are dysfunctional.

If people tell me that there children are all in good jobs and earning pots of money and that everyone is happily married, I say, "How nice to hear that". After all it is all about perception, isn't it?

If they genuinely believe what they say, that's fine, if they are boasting, then we all know that life isn't really like that,

No one can know for sure what happens behind closed doors.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I don't actually have anyone saying those things to me.
Most families that I know seem to have problems, either emotional or financial, or health.

Even the Royals have their dysfunctions

We have unrealistic ideals and then worry when we don't have perfect lives.

I had to really think about this one. I am divorced and happily re-married. My adult children enjoy excellent relationships with step and natural parents. We have gorgeous grandchildren whose own parents love them. If disfunctional means unable to function as a family then we definitely are not disfunctional.

That made me think of my parents growing up - in fact til about five years ago. Everything always had to look on the outside as perfect. Wow betide you if you rocked the boat. When I said I was getting divorced my mother was livid and said I had always been trouble and how it had to be me - I couldn’t just put up and shut up as she had for years - I couldn’t continue to live unhappily anymore.

No it was never perfect but anyone on the outside looking in that’s what they would have believed. Every to img was hidden and behind closed doors.

It took about 18 months for them to finally accept my divorce and they did end up apologising and accepting that I had done the right thing. I have seen much more since of how they are not hiding everything anymore. A real step forward I think as well for my mother’s mental health.

I think everyone has challenges in life, if you love to a good age then you will have had mountains to climb at different times - I can’t believe anyone gets through unscathed!

Look at it the other way round. Are families who appear perfect the ones who are dysfunctional?
There are a minority of people who fit the bill but on the whole we are all different and get on with our lives in many different ways.
The word DYSFUNCTIONAL is a modern day media term to cover almost anything.

* Every to img = everything!!

vampire queen you are so right. Every twee Christmas/Easter/Valentine etc advertising drives me banana 's

Book for your own sake never give in ! There's always a chink of light at the end of the tunnel---just keep on going.

Be thankful that your son is being cared for and not you who's struggling to look after him.

Take things a step at a time. The fact that you've posted here is a start and a big step into your feelings , so well done.

youcanchoosethem when I told my mum I was getting a divorce she 100% blamed me. She didn’t know any details of why or how but still she blamed me. Apparently it is the wife’s job to hold a marriage together! She even went to see my ex mil and sympathised with her. I struggled to ever forgive her for that.

We all have our ups and downs and boastathon families are no different. I guess money makes a difference so that those who have jobs and a cushion of cash against hardships and accidents of fate might seem to fare a little better than those who don't. Basic human emotions are the same for us all, though, and haven't changed in ten thousand years.

My experience is PECS Surviving the bad times has strengthened the bonds. Hopefully it will always be like that.