Are all families dysfunctional?

When you talk to friends, you want an upbeat chat, so tell each other nice things that have happened. You save the awful bits for a long session (with wine??) with a really close friend. Also, I would think most people are at least 80% good: 20% bad, so there are more good things to report surely. Would you rather tell someone that your GC had passed an exam, or that they had been arrested??

What is a "functional " family ?
We all have problems between people that share the same bloodline as ourselves, it is just how you deal with them. I very much doubt if the "perfect" family as portrayed in media, that we are supposed to aspire to, actually exists.
To some extent, we have to accept that our family members do not and will not behave as we expect them to, nor should they expect you to!
Sadly there are many people that have a picture in their mind of how family life should be, and when it comes up short, they can't cope. Maybe we expect too much?

PECS
That’s the story of my life

We are a happy family, full of love and care..but we have ballsed it up big time on occasions! But the love & care was stronger than the mistakes, disasters, illness, stupid choices.... so we have weathered the storms..so far......??

Nanna58, you're spot on with:

'I read somewhere that if you don’t think your family is dysfunctional that’s because you’re the dysfunctional one!!!'

Of course, we tend to grow up thinking that our family is 'normal', don't we?

I was really taken aback (gobsmacked, really) when I went on holiday with a school-friend's family, aged about 12.

They were so nice to each other, they enjoyed the days spent together (no moaning, no criticism, no put downs). They hugged and kissed on impulse - including me!

That's when I first began to realise what a miserable lot I lived with. I dreamed of adoption!

I ❤️ my life and my family. But I don’t crow about it because (a) I realise I’m very fortunate in so many ways and I’m really grateful and (b) I don’t want to hex things. I know about the fickle finger of fate. Is it the Chinese who wail outwardly to put the gods off the scent of their success?

I’m also a true Pollyanna. I’m sure my irritatingly sunny nature helps me find the positives wherever I can, which must help my outlook on life. I’m not envious of anyone’s good fortune and the more people who love my grandchildren the better as far as I’m concerned - no jealousy as they are the beneficiaries of that extra loving.

We suffered a severe financial knock in 2008. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Nobody gets everything in life. I’m just thankful that (so far at least) my clip around the ear was ‘only’ monetary.

I got so irritated by one friend's round robin that I wanted to ditch her!
Then one year it didn't arrive but then the following year was a heartfelt explanation of how her perfect marriage had broken up, jobs and money worries, her son had gone off the rails and was trying to avoid a prison sentence etc etc.
My heart went out to her.
Suddenly we were able to speak properly again on equal terms and she is still a good friend. albeit sometimes irritating

mercedez, I'd make a point of ignoring and/or avoiding anyone who feels the need to crow about their wonderful, successful life and family.

After all, why would they want to do that?

I do know someone (family, so can't avoid completely) who puts a ridiculously positive spin on everything. She has edited/enhanced/denied/rewritten her entire life story - all quite bizarre - because she can't face or acknowledge reality!

No...I don’t, particularly when the information is received from those ridiculous’ Round Robins’?

I haven't spoken to 2 of my brothers and a sister since my father died 7 years ago. We're definitely and always have been a dysfunctional family.

oopsadaisy - I love the suggestion that there's fun in dysfunctional. My husband is one of 6 children, and should we say, his family is fun

Here's an example of what some might say is dysfunctional: I don't have much to do with my beloved brother these days, he has a fiancee who is younger than his daughters (she adores him by the way), so he is off on his own trip at the moment. Apart from texts on occasions we probably haven't actually spoken to each other for the best part of a year.

However, he had a problem recently with one of his children and who did he contact for advice and get straight to it? Me . It provided a good opportunity for a catch up too.

To me, that is functional.

I think all families have their own problems, no matter how perfect they purport to be. We all know, in the real world, nothing is perfect. And we never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Some families conduct their lives in ways which some of us would consider dysfunctional, but to them it's normal.

What I consider to be dysfunctional, are those families who mistreat each other, cause mental or physical abuse, families whose lives have been ravaged by the effects of drug/alcohol abuse, etc.

Most families have problems and issues to resolve at one time or another, or fallings out, etc. I think that's all typically normal, and not to be considered dysfunctional.

Madgran I agree.
Are all families dysfunctional? NO
Are the perfect-looking families really perfect? NO

Do you believe those who tell you how wonderful their lives are, how successful and well married their kids are and what brilliant lives their grandkids have ahead of them?

No!

But I also don't think that fact means that the family must be "dysfunctional"

vampirequeen Those ad makers have obviously not seen me chase my boys out of the kitchen with a mop like a swirling dervish after they have walked all over it in muddy football boots and dumped muddy kit on the kitchen floor.

Spinnaker
Love it

This always makes me smile when talking all things family

If my thirty year old self could have looked ahead to now, there would be things I’d be surprised and probably quite upset about. But also a lot of things I would feel proud about, and I’d be thrilled with all these gorgeous grandchildren, and their different ways.
But mainly, we are still all together, no dreadful tragedies, so I’ll take what I’ve got and be grateful.

Lucca

How do you define dysfunctional ? Or family come to that?

I don’t see one brother. No falling out as such. Just have nothing in common.
I’m divorced.
My sons are both married with children and we all love each other.
So is my family dysfunctional?

You make a good point Lucca Family life has always been fluid. It's just different societies have different rules. If o e breaks those rules at the time they are important, they will be labelled 'disfunctional'.
Love is the binding that makes a family, along with loyalty - well in my book any way
Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.....

I don't think all families are dysfunctional, but I do think all families have dysfunctional periods in their lives.

If people find the need to tell you repeatedly how wonderful everything is, sadly experience proves there is a crash coming and they are in denial.

With the exception of families where there is actual abuse I don't believe there are dysfunctional families, although some professionals seem like to think there is a norm of a perfect family - all families have their own particular norm, which may include some rather dysfunctional people.

As for believing the wonder stories people tell - is it really bragging? or being proud of what their family members have achieved? Is it wrong to tell other people how proud you are? It doesn't mean the whole family is brilliant, or that there are no problems. Is every gran on here who relates a story about their pretty/cute/clever/witty grandchild bragging? Or just a proud gran.

I don’t think anyone has a charmed life.
I think from personal experience, you have years when luck is always with you, and also periods of time when everything goes wrong.
Obviously to some extent we make our own luck, and a lot depends upon whether you’re a glass half full or a glass half empty person, but I think too much showing off is pretty foolish, because things can change overnight.

Never mind defining disfunctional, how do you define functional ?

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. from Anna Karenina, just isn't true. A family can be happy in many different ways, there isn't a single blueprint.

No I don't believe that anyone's family or life is all roses around the door and insta-worthy moments. But equally a degree of chaos every now and then (because life happens) doesn't necessarily represent dysfunction, even if sometimes it does border on drama.

Some of the problem with such descriptors is that they have a distinct meaning in a clinical setting which changes and becomes much more fluid in its application when the word slips into popular usage. Dysfunction to me is apparent when there is direct harm occurring within a family group - whereas families which are messy, chaotic, dramatic or even a mite too perfect are essentially functional if the members are able to maintain relatively stable, crime fee and mental illness free lives.

I think we give too many things a pathology these days and it's very divisive. We all have messy lives at times.

I think dysfunctional is too strong a term for most families. We all have problems of some sort and in the main we manage to resolve them or live with a degree of difficulty.
I do have a friend who would send long messages about the brilliant lives of all her children and grandchildren. I did find myself reciprocating at one point so I gave myself a slap and just said all my family were well and happy.