Do you give up with a friend who doesn’t contact you first?

Peasblossom and Jane
Oh I am the same, I always think people will have something better to do than talk to me,

I did eventually end one friendship with a very heavy heart, we had been friends for years, but it took me about forty five years to realise that I initiated about 95% of every meeting, and as the years went by I was meeting with a lot of excuses..
Very sad about it, because she was like a sister, we’ve been through so much together, but I just felt I was beating my head against a brick wall in the end.

I think you know whether a friendship is one with mutual understanding around contact or not. I have friends with whom we sometimes go ages without contact (we are both busy) but we both know we will never lose the friendship. With others I have realised it was me keeping it going by always making the contact. You have to give the other person the chance to opt out without an actual fall out. If you keep on ringing because you want to stay in touch, fine but accept it may not be mutual. I dont particularly want to push people into being friends with me if they are not bothered. Relationships are always better if both parties are invested.

As this thread shows no everyone feels confident enough to initiate contact. If you do then go ahead. Surely contacting someone who is lonely in this covid seclusion can be your good deed for the day. Contact is great if it is reciprocated but still emotionally valuable and supportive even if not.

I fear rejection so am unlikely to phone someone although will always let them know I am at the end of the phone if they need me for anything, even a vent. However, people don't phone and it is easy to lose touch.
I think there are some people in this world whose faces seem to fit and they makes friends easily. Other people like me, for whatever reason, just don't. I don't know what I will do if I lose my husband who is also my best friend.

I have a mother who does not phone she seems to think its my job to keep in contact with her. She has always been like this sometimes I get cross its alway me and once I thought I would wait, 3 months still no call so I eventually gave up and phoned although I dont call every week I think I must be the bigger person and am sure I must be accumulating a lot of brownie points

I have a friend whose hopeless at keeping in touch. But wev go back along way so I do keep trying

If when you do call, she always seems happy to chat and doesn't sound as though she's not bothered, I wouldn't worry or read anything into it. Some people just think "Oh, so and so always calls me" and they just accept it. Doesn't mean they aren't up for the friendship, it just doesn't occur to them to call the other person because this is the usual arrangement. If she sometimes seems a bit disinterested when you call though, or the conversation feels one sided, then maybe miss calling for a week or two and see what happens.

I have to admit I am one of these people who don't always return phone calls. I question if I'm going to be a nuisance, is this the right time will I annoy them by phoning when I remember I should, and so on and it doesn't get done. I have recently renewed an old hobby of making greetings cards and have made and sent a few recently just to let close friends know that I haven't forgotten them. I am not a very good communicator.

Peasblossom

Hi hum, this is me. I operate from the basis that people probably don’t want to talk to/meet up with me and that I’m a bit of a nuisance so I find it really hard to initiate contact by phone or (in other times) to suggest meeting up. I’m always steeled for rejection or at best tolerance.

Text/letters/email no problem because then I’m not intruding.

I know this is my problem but I find it really, really difficult.

Also when you’re widowed there’s always this additional feeling that people are just being kind and you don’t want to make more contact than they want. Even confident people worry about that.

........................
oh gosh, this is so me! just been reading, and posted on another thread, how we are told to be positive etc.. and it so helps, well it helps me, to hear if someone else is like me and saying as it is... well not all the time

I go to my local church, been told to reach out to others who are not on the internet etc.. I have been doing that, then descended into a bit of a black mood, and didn`t and not one of them have reached out to me..

but being sensible!! I think perhaps most all of us are struggling here in these strange times... and perhaps they are finding it difficult to reach out

just a thought that helps me to keep going.

With some people - when it's always me that makes the call - I have pointed out (politely) that: "the phone works both ways....."

I’m outgoing so I initiate many of my conversations with my quieter friends. I don’t see it as they aren’t ‘putting in the work’, I benefit from their friendships in different ways, we can’t all be outgoing and pushy or it would be obnoxious.

Can you drop into the conversation something like - do let me know how you got on at....- or something like that & see if she rings you.

If you get something out of the friendship, and it helps you, then go ahead and carry on making the first contact. If you contact her because you feel she needs support, then that's a good enough reason to continue. However if you are asking this question, it seems to me that you want to get out of the friendship and that's your answer. If she's really bothered she will contact you after a while anyway.

SparkleFizz totally agree with your post

I can't imagine ringing up someone if I don't have anything particular to talk about. I guess I'm not a chatterbox. Please don't cut them off just because they don't initiate a call. It might be, like me, that she thinks she may be interrupting something you normally do. For example, you may be a follower of the TV soaps, or certain quizz shows and she doesn't want to spoil your watching. I'm not a person with a huge circle of friends but the ones I have have stayed loyal even though I may not speak to them more than a couple of time a year. I understand people have their own circle of friends and are probably busy with them.

I contacted two of my cousins (all in our 70s) who I hadn't spoken to for a while, I phoned them a couple of times and then oddly both phoned me. It was lovely to realise they had both enjoyed our chats and catch-ups. I had felt distanced from them but now (thanks to lockdown) our friendship and shared history has been renewed.
If in doubt about phoning someone then do it (but not too often),

I don`t give it a thought tbh.
I contact people either by calling or texting.
Make no difference who makes contact first as it`s the friendship that matters.

I think different friendships call for different action. If you’d like to continue your friendship, then why not contact her. I’d do it sensitively by maybe a text, as already mentioned. Then it’s easier for her to not respond or say no thanks. She may well want the friendship to continue but these covid times are strange and we all have different ways of dealing with things. I wouldn’t assume anything but be honest,don’t pretend your contact is only to support her when it’s probably a two way thing.

I’m finding that I have to be the one to do the contacting and am wondering whether to wait and see if anyone contacts me. Even my sisters don’t bother.

This might be a bit extreme, but years ago I realised that my cousin had stopped getting in touch, but when I contacted her she was her usual chatty self. In time it very sadly became apparent that it was an early symptom of dementia.

Hello, sorry but I've always thought this an incredibly childish approach to friendship. If you like the person and value their friendship initiate conversation. If you don't, then don't!

DD1 is like this Atqui - she puts messages on Facebook about being lonely and sad but she never rings for a chat. I ring her and she has nothing to say and I dont have much more. I keep ringing though. I would keep on as you say she seems happy to chat.

I’m just like Peasblossom and JaneJudge. I am very shy and have low self esteem. Having worked full time until retirement and then nursed my husband for three years I was totally isolated. I found it incredibly difficult to make new friends, so with great trepidation I joined a walking group, the Rock Choir and the WI but it seemed to me that most people already had an established “friend” base and didn’t want to add anyone, so I retreated into my shell! I do have three friends and use the text before ringing way of contact, which seems to work well.

I must admit that lockdown has made me reassess a few relationships. At the start I was making A conscious effort to ring around and check on everyone and most people rang me. A couple of so called friends haven't bothered to make contact even though they know I'm on my own so I've decided that maybe they aren't true friends.

Some of us were brought up not being allowed to make chatty phone calls (remember when it cost quite a lot?) and as a result don't make calls unless they seriously need to.