Do you give up with a friend who doesn’t contact you first?

No don't give up on them. They might really need you and your ear. Not everyone can reach out to others first as they feel silly or embarrassed (like me)

I am guilty of not contacting friends often enough, the days just seem to whizz by. It isn’t that I don’t want to, I just don’t get round to it. My everyday life seems to get in the way, perhaps I am not organised enough. It has also been a very difficult few years and I don’t want to appear to be all doom and gloom when I do speak to my long lost friends. Maybe my overthinking is the problem, I always enjoy it when people ring me, I really must reciprocate.

I hate speaking to people on the phone. I prefer to keep in touch by text message. My friends and family know this , so just tent me . My 80 year old aunt can’t text so she phones me , sometimes I answer sometimes I don’t . She is never upset with me if I don’t answer as she realises life can get busy . I try to send her flowers every 8 weeks or so to let her know that I’m thinking about her . She is the last of her generation in our family and I love her very much .

I must admit I have 'given up' on a friend who rarely contacts me. It was always me who rang her and recently when I tried to arrange a walk she made excuses so that I felt perhaps I should take the hint. I still have her Christmas card and gift, but I don't want her to feel bad so I haven't sent them. She had a very different childhood to mine and I have known her since we were both 19. I have always found her rather fascinating, but I have wondered at times whether she finds me rather annoying! Maybe not, but she lost her job in the pandemic and is obviously dealing with a lot right now. I think perhaps she'd prefer to be left alone...

I ring people quite often but if they never ring themselves I just let it go eventually because I tend to think they don’t want to bother. I am guilty myself of this, sometimes life just gets in the way and you realise it has been weeks and weeks and then you feel a bit guilty when you finally get round to it.

Granny62. I'm one of those who was rarely allowed to use the house phone I was often sent to the phone box, seemed a little extreme but there we are. I hate talking on the phone now, although I don't know why. If I do it's as a last resort.

It’s not a perfect solution but my friend and I WhatsApp and agree a time and day when we’ll talk on the phone. That way we’re both prepared and know we’re not intruding on each other. Cup of tea in hand, comfy chair, OH out of the way - perfect. A good hours natter improves my mood immensely.

I phone my 88 year old friend every Saturday for about one and a half hours. IShe just talks about herself but I know that if I don't phone her she won't speak to anyone all day. Better to be kind than not.

Atqui
I agree, we all seem very wary about making the first move. Even my oldest daughter, who I haven’t seen often this year, I tend to avoid ringing. I always think it’s probably supper time, or one of the children needs her attention.
I think we’re scared of seeming needy, but it’s good to know I’m not the only one.

Back again. Something strange happened on this thread . When I wrote my last comment there were a few posts, now I see I had missed a couple of pages .I do appreciate the different takes on this issue.(;though not sure of the accusation of being childish). I agree with those who have suggested that some people who live alone are wary of intruding into someone’s home life , especially if their relationship with their partner has been very close. It’s interesting how many of us feel so insecure , from both sides of the situation.

I’m the one that does the telephone calls in most of my friendships and also my family. Just now and again I wish someone would ring me.

I tend to only use WhatsApp - for messages. I've never been keen on call chats unless for something specific that cant wait.
Ive one friend who seems to need a call so I try not to be unfriendly. I meet up one pal for walks 2times a week, occ 3. She works part time. Other pals msg mostly, play odd hand of online bridge or meet for walk. I walk every day at least once so not hard.
I'd be peopled out if expected to chat on phone every week

Friendship is a two way street.l moved away 3 years ago and soon found out who my true friends were, the ones who kept in touch.

Thank you Grans for your views.I don’t want to “ get out of the friendship” Frankie 51. I thought we were good friends and that our communication was mutually pleasant . But unless you are a very confident person ,don’t you wonder if you’ve got the wrong idea, when said friend never makes the first move? I value your comments GN ers
and shall wait a while to see how things go

This is an interesting thread to me. I find it very difficult to initiate a phone conversation. I suppose I am afraid of being a nuisance, intruding, ringing at the wrong time etc. I make myself do it from time to time all the same. It is much easier if I know the approximate pattern of someone’s life - when they eat, for example. (I know that I eat earlier than most people.) It’s much easier to ring single people than married ones, at least I find it so.

I’m talking about long, chatty phone calls, not practical ones.

If I didn't phone my brother we wouldn't have spoken since our parents died.
What does annoy me is when you bump into someone you haven't seen for a while (pre lockdown) and they say accusingly that you should have contacted them. Completely ignoring the fact that they haven't contacted you either!

I live alone after being widowed 2 yrs ago. I find it very difficult to initiate a text or telephone conversation because I always feel other folk are busy with their own lives and I would hate to be a pest. Sometimes I feel lonely but lack confidence to make contact. Today, when I saw my son, (he is in my bubble), I asked him for a hug as I just really miss human contact. I was more confident about contacting friends before I was widowed but it has really affected my confidence. Don't give up on your friend, although you could suggest that she gets in touch with you, giving a specific time and date.

My friend of many years simply disappeared from my life, we are godmothers to each other’s children, know all of each other’s secrets.
She moved house and had a new phone number, so I waited for her to contact me, ten years, still waiting!
I obviously could have tracked her down through her children, I’ve done it before, but decided against it.
Makes me sad, but realising that I’ve been propping it up for over forty years feels a bit uncomfortable!

Not everyone enjoys telephone calls. I like seeing people in the flesh and apart from family, think of the telephone as an instrument for arranging appointments or ordering/booking things. I enjoy FaceTime with my daughter and sister and pre covid, had a lengthy chat with my sister in the South once a week. Normally, I’m extremely sociable, meeting family and friends. Maybe your friend likes to see you in person and if so, could you arrange a distanced walk?
I have been disappointed that my overtures for distanced walks with friends have had a lukewarm response! Must try harder!

This is definitely touching a nerve or two as I realise I am very much as Peasblossom and several others. As I have been the one who moved furthest from extended family & friends, over the years it has always been me doing the travelling to see them, phone calls intermittently and to keep in touch but now I am finding it increasingly difficult to do so due to Covid restrictions, always being indoors, not going anywhere I feel I have less & less to say and question whether they even want to hear from me.

I Keep in close contact with a smaller and smaller circle of old friends. Three are very special from way back and if either phones or emails the other it usually initiates a facetime chat.
Work colleges have dropped off over the years. Others have become more friendly since we retired.
I also moved around the country quite a bit and still get lots of Christmas cards from when my children were little and we all went to playgroups and were stay at home mums.
Friends I have made since I got older I am more reticent of calling, maybe it's an age thing.
Come back for a coffee was easy on the way from school, you knew if they could manage that day but these days I seem to wonder just like a lot of others am I being needy, do they really want to talk. The haves and have not got a husband also makes a big difference.

grannie62

Some of us were brought up not being allowed to make chatty phone calls (remember when it cost quite a lot?) and as a result don't make calls unless they seriously need to.

Do you not think it can cost quite alot for other people to phone you? If we all operated on the 'seriously need to phone call' communication would be lacking and friendships & relationships could go by the wayside.
Effort needs to come from both sides...we could all come up with excuses not to talk regularly.
The person who has always made the effort to pick the phone up will at some point feel the effort is one sided and move on.

Atqui. I'm agreeing with what Frankie51 said.

A close friend, who lives 300 miles away now (I moved) dropped off contact during the first lockdown until we did a massive catch up before Christmas by email. I emailed first. She said a call would be good in the New Year and would be in touch. Not sure if she will but she knows where I am. Your friend knows where you are. Take care Atqui.

Nonogran

During lockdown, I've been disappointed that I seem to be the one who initiates contact with friends some of whom I've had for years. I'm the one who texts to ask if they're ok etc?
I've decided to give up on them and will wait and see if they initiate contact post lockdown. If they don't, well that says it all doesn't it?
Life goes on.

Yes this is me too. I have spent ages composing messages to people to keep in touch, but it always seems to be me that starts the conversation.

I have given up with a number of people - some of whom have got in touch and others I suspect I will never hear from again.

I'm trying not to be grumpy about it!

This thread is so reassuring to me. I thought it was just me who had rubbish friends ?.