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Being a Gean

(18 Posts)
Msida Sun 28-Feb-21 18:34:27

You get married and you have your children and your busy surviving and taking care of everyone and you have no time for any other the necessary


Your children grow up they leave the house you don't see them because they are busy surviving taking care of their children you are forgotten about just no time for Mum

Then your husband dies and your in your house.. alone all alone no one has time to visit you've never lived alone before it's strange it's foreign you try and make sense of it you wish that you too could die too as your husband has done because why are you here your just existing..

What now..

Msida Sun 28-Feb-21 18:35:20

I'm sorry obviously I meant to type being a Gran

M0nica Sun 28-Feb-21 18:41:29

Oh, Msida is life really that bad? I feel so sorry for you.

Is there anyone you can reach out to? A friend, or someone to talk to. I am not sure how long you have been widowed, not long I think, and in the worst of times for such things to happen, but the end seems to be in sight and then it iwll be easier to get out, to join other people.

Could you give this lonely time to thinking about what you want to do, when life opens out, to find out what resources are available in your home territory.

All I can offer is flowers cupcake

NellG Sun 28-Feb-21 18:47:59

My father used to say that we live many lives, and we have different stories for each stage of our lives - the answer to 'what now' is that you write the next chapter. Easier said than done when you are on your own. Even harder at the moment. Worse still when you feel so low it's hard to get through a day.

Would you consider talking to your GP about how you feel? Not only can they help if you have clinical depression, but they can put you in touch with people and groups who will be able to support you through this very difficult and lonely time. Until we can all get out and about again, confidential phone lines can at least give a human voice at the end of the phone, and perhaps reassurance that someone cares about you and how you feel.

Don't give up just yet, not without trying - there's a world out there and you're not done. This is not 'it'. Hold on and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, plus reach out a bit to the kids - they might not think you need them. All my best, x

tanith Sun 28-Feb-21 18:52:04

Msida I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. Can you at least keep in touch with your family by phone or online? I’m also widowed as are many others here and I know it isn’t easy, I’d never lived alone before and found having to make every decision myself so hard.
I have never wished to join my husband I intend on living for him as well as myself as there are things we would of done together if he had lived. My family are also busy with jobs children etc but I make a point of reaching out to them regularly with a text or phone call I keep it short and ask how they are doing and they do get back to me when they can. Hopefully things won’t seem so hopeless to you as we are released from lockdown. Please keep posting you will get lots of support here.

Blinko Sun 28-Feb-21 18:55:10

So sorry you're feeling low at the moment, Msida. It's hard being alone after having had a busy family life. Lots of Grans on here are in the same situation as you find yourself now. they will be along with helpful advice and encouragement.

Meantime, sending my best wishes and flowers Hang in there!

Grandmafrench Sun 28-Feb-21 18:59:33

That's a real cry from the heart, Msida. Everyone - well most Grans, anyway - feels like this at some time and that's without the added heartbreak of losing a husband or partner.

It probably comes to you in waves and another wave has just hit you. I'm so sorry that you're having a bad time. I don't think (personally) it's easy to do anything much about adult children. As you say, they are probably struggling in their own ways to make sense of life, the additional responsibilities, managing children, jobs, lockdowns, health etc., And who can find the extra moments needed to ask about Mum/Gran? Well sometimes it seems like absolutely no one. If you're very, very lucky you sometimes give birth to someone who cares always, but most of us just get average people who react in average ways in their average lives and would look quite surprised if you put the question to them "And what about me, how do you think I'm managing?" They're usually too afraid to ask, unless you are quite ill or have suffered a recent loss.

I think you just have to keep saying to yourself that when times change again - and they will - you'll work harder at making a life for yourself with friends and interests and outings and a routine which keeps you busy and makes you happy. Dog walking/owning/a cat for company/another hobby/exercise/social occasions/contacting friends of similar ages and interests/volunteering and bringing some smiles and real pleasure to those who are older or unwell or a lot more desperate. It can be done. I have a good friend who is testament to that.

She had not long moved to France with her husband. No children, no friends. He was still shutting down his business in the UK and was sort of commuting between countries. She started work in the garden, she unpacked and made their home so comfortable. They started to make friends, they loved the prospect of a new life. He went out on his bike before lunch on a sunny Sunday - and never came home. He was in his 50's and he had suffered a massive heart attack and was found on the grass verge coming back into their village.

I don't think I could have survived how she felt, but she did it. Once her grief was manageable, she tried so hard to get some routine into her life. Although she found mixing with people quite traumatic and often had to go home because she was fragile and emotional and hated to be like that in public. She joined lots of groups, made lots of acquaintances and then some really good friends. She has a real life again - not the life she would have chosen, she says, but a good life which gives her enjoyment and pushes her to get up in the mornings to have stuff to do, like playing tennis or going to the library, or the market or to help someone who needs that.

Maybe try not to rely on close family. Dare I say that way you'll avoid disappointment! They are always there in real emergencies, but for day to day stuff they are often far too busy and with limitations on their time.

I do hope your current mood lifts soon and you can see just small glimmers of hope can shine into your days. Posting on this Forum is always a good way of getting some company, some empathy and advice and allows you to feel part of something - when maybe you don't. So many have been in your situation. The Good Morning thread is a good place to start, or Soop's Kitchen, or the Night Owl thread if you find that nights are long and you just feel like a cuppa and some conversation instead of sleep.

Take care of yourself and keep safe. I wish you better days and happiness again. flowers

grannyrebel7 Sun 28-Feb-21 19:06:09

My sister was widowed two years ago and after she'd got herself together a bit she got a dog. She says it was the best thing she could have done as the dog gets her out and she talks to people in the park everyday and dogs are lovely company. Not the same as having her husband obviously but it helps.

Redhead56 Sun 28-Feb-21 19:14:14

Oh Msida you are feeling down at present I am so sorry you feel that way. One of my worst times was when my daughter moved to Preston for Uni. She has always been over protected by us parents. She was innocent naive and most definitely not street wise. I was devistated when we moved her to halls of residence. Lost some hair and eyebrows with stress. She graduated and ended up working near the area and met her now husband. I stress now because I can't see her but look forward to the days when we can.
This is what you will have to look forward too also once we all get back to normal. Keep it in your mind you did a good job raising your children now they are doing the same. Text them Zoom them even if it's just to say how are you or goodnight.
Go for walks if you are able with friends just chatting makes you feel better. You could spend a lot of time on Gransnet. Just to read how a perfectly normal thread can turn into a fight. you will end up laughing this will lift your spirits. Do this when you are having a rough time get on line Gransnet is very supportive.

EllanVannin Sun 28-Feb-21 19:33:51

These lockdowns don't help at all. I've been widowed many years and got used to living the " single " life over the years but this last 12 months hasn't been at all easy as it's a different kind of alone in that you can only see those in your bubble and of course if they're working/ childminding you naturally take a back seat. Some days are worse than others.

I do have cats which are company and keep me going but as grannyrebel said, a dog would get you out, if you could have one then you'd find that if you met others someone's bound to be in the same boat.

Lighter nights/ mornings are already noticeable and we're facing the best part of a new year so we can only hope for better days ahead. flowers

Msida Sun 28-Feb-21 19:36:02

It's been helpful reading all the replys sometimes we think it's just us going through stuff just because your physically alone.

I feel that its worse because we don't prepare ourselves for this being all alone after always having family around us

I prepared myself for my children leaving home expected it knew it was coming and didn't get empty nest wotsit

I wish I had prepared myself for this, my sister told me when I was you her that this day would come but she didn't anticipate my husband dieing at just 62, wisj I'd taken it in a bit more when she said that to me.

Thank you fir your replys so grateful, it's strange isn't it that completer strangers have more time for me than my own family strange but nice

Thank you ever so mu h and maybe once we are released from this lockdown prison we can all have one big happy meet, how utterly lively would that be..

EllanVannin Sun 28-Feb-21 19:38:19

In the words of the late Captain Sir Tom " Tomorrow will be a Good Day ".

MamaCaz Sun 28-Feb-21 20:11:21

msida, I'm so sorry you are struggling.

I don't know if it will help you - especially while our chances to get out and about are so restricted - but I will share with you the advice that someone gave my mum after my dad died three years ago:
If you have the chance to go out, go!
For instance if someone invites you for a cuppa, a ride out in the car, anything whatsoever, take them up on it, even though you probably really don't want to.

Mum took that advice to heart and although it was an enormous effort at first, it gradually eased her into life as a single person, after over 60 years of marriage.

Life is still very difficult for her, especially since Covid struck, but still better than it would have been if she had not pushed herself into making that effort, which has led to new friendships and opportunities.

I hope you can find both the will and the way to move forward flowers

Msida Mon 01-Mar-21 00:36:24

mamacazthank you it makes sense and I would love that but there's lots of drama in my family I have to take a little of the blame because I can be sensitive so a bit difficult but if anyone kind does offer I will take that advice I feel very fortunate that you have taken the time to explain that

Grandmadinosaur Mon 01-Mar-21 07:42:23

My heart goes out to you Msida and others going through this. My MIL is in the same situation widowed in late 2019 health problems of her own, the COVID situation. We also live in the UK but a different country to her so it’s been difficult with the rules etc. I also feel for my DH having to hear her say she wished she could join him . How do you reply to that?
As for myself my DH runs his own business and always been a workaholic so as I was winding down myself I got new interests and in normal times found plenty to fill my days in the thinking I would have my own interests if and when I’m left alone.
Take care and I would say take it a day at a time.

Billybob4491 Mon 01-Mar-21 08:09:55

Maida I felt very sad when I read your post. I was newly widowed when the first lockdown arrived, the last year has not been easy but I have reached out to friends/family when I needed to chat whenever the gloom descended on me. It does help if you can talk to someone, even coming on Gransnet is a step in the right direction. I wish you well.,

Puzzled Tue 02-Mar-21 10:51:56

Msida, this is a difficult time for you. You have suffered loss and have to be away from other people who could offer comfort.
In a weeks time things will ease a little so that we can mix more with others.
And this is a time when you have had to face some heart rending adjustments.
Take heart! Things change EVERY day. Every day brings a new dawn, soon, with the chance to meet new people and do new things, go to new places.
For what my advice is worth, try to meet new people, and make new GOOD friends. Avoid folk who are negative and have only a half empty glass. They will drain you.

Cultivate friends and neighbours who can see the better side of things.
When it rains, you don't have to water the garden, or rush out to buy SPF30.
When the sun shines, go out and top up your Vitamin D!

Try to find clubs to join, or join your local U3A there should be lots of things going on there as time progresses.
Walking a dog, yours or someone else's will bring you into contact with people.
As Captain Tom said, "Tomorrow will be a good day"
Look for the good things and you will find them.

Alexa Tue 02-Mar-21 10:57:04

Msida, there is hope! Living alone is a skill that can be learned at any age. Obviously it's better to have learned in childhood how to live alone however you can still learn the skill. Like any skill it takes work and know-how.

You probably know you need learn interests that do not depend on the physical presence of other people.