Feeling lost, young Gran, empty nest & lonely.

I know exactly how you feel alltheglitterglue I was a young empty nester. My kids both went to uni, got jobs in London afterwards and never came home to live again. I was 43 when my younger child went to uni. They've both done really well and I'm proud of them, but I just wish they were nearer. I don't think you ever really get over it. I just wish they were around the corner.

Oopsadaisy1 when they left they took everything that belonged to them. I kept keepsakes - their first shoes early ‘art’ and their baby photos. Although they took some of those too!

We bought them all complete bedroom sets when they were 13, on the understanding that they could take them with them when they left. It went hand in hand with their house deposits, they would have some furniture to start to furnish their first homes. DCs 1, 2 & 3 took everything, including bedding, which was fine by us.

The only one who hasn’t taken their furniture is DC 4 who is still at Uni. Aside from Christmas she doesn’t come home for the holidays because an expectation of her course is that she will gain work experience. Her course isn’t medicine but think along those sort of lines. Hence the need to stay away to gain experience. Although I have said she is in a final year she will be away for a plenty of years to come, probably for good.

The older 3, even the eldest who has DGCs are all very career focused. DC 3, to use them as an example, is only 22, with their partner they own a 3 bed house and have a very good income between them.

Our DCs are very close, they had an unusually democratic way of decision making as children. If we were on holiday, for example, and asked them what they wanted to do for the day they would get into a huddle, discuss the options and take a vote .

When we moved to this house they got into another huddle to decide who should have which bedroom and agreed between themselves that they would swap as each one left home! So although they had their own bedrooms the room they left wasn’t their childhood room IYSWIM.

I think it’s unlikely that any of them will ever come home now. Not because we’ve been bad parents, but because we have given them everything they need to lead good lives as adults and that’s what they are doing!

It’s strange, we’ve been preparing for their leaving for years so I don’t understand the shock, grief and sense of loss. I feel stupid and that I’m being over dramatic but you are right grannygranby it does feel like I’m experiencing delayed grief.

I’m absolutely in favour of lockdown For us it means that we can’t do all of the things we planned, like travelling. Even daft things like we want to take the South Coast steam trains and we can’t do that.

We live in a 6 bed detached town style type house, just outside of a town. It only has a large living room, a dining room, a dining kitchen & utility etc. When we downsize it will be to a house that is at least 4 beds but with more receptions that we can enjoy and less upkeep! Owning an older home is like painting the Forth bridge! Having the DCs come back to stay won’t be a problem.

I’ve always wanted to be a childminder but that’s impractical with the layout of our current home, I think that childminding would help with my pining for young DCs. In theory, I could still have another baby (but there is no way)!

Apologies that this is so long, I clearly need to get it all out.
I know that I’m lucky and that these are first world problems but the grief is all too real.

Bunny1
No, this message is too long, can't be bothered to read it. Try harder next time.

I'd say then please don't waste any more of your precious time posting Bunny1 and let's hope you can always be concise with any problems you may have in the future.

There's some good advice here glitterglue, wishing you the best for the future, be gentle and kind to yourself. for Mothering Sunday.

I haven't seen my daughter for 14 months, not yet met my new granddaughter (she is 10 months) and feel sad every day. Most of us have gone through this or are going through this or will go through this so we are all here for you. Today, Mother's Day, makes it worse being a mother with no children around to celebrate with. Hugs and kisses.

It gets easier.
I suffered terribly from ‘empty nest’ syndrome when my youngest left for uni 2 years ago.
But you do get used to it & now I love my new life and really enjoy the peace & slower pace of life. ( I too was in my early 50’s by the way )

That’s true MagicWand I have had some good advice - and thank you to everyone who has been helpful.

Though if you have something to say then please do add to this. I’m reading and I’m grateful.

We did have empty nest plans; hobbies, travel, moving, socialising and so on. Lockdown has scuppered that. Although again, I emphatically agree with lockdown.

See? bunny1? I can be more concise

i feel as you do. especially yesterday

The prospect of moving your home is one thing to plan for, but what puzzles me is that you don't mention a career. You have been to university, have brought up your children and you are still so young.

If you don't have a career or put it on the back burner when you became a Mum, why not reinvent yourself in middle age.?

If your health is good you could have a wonderful career in your fifties, sixties and seventies. Even if it meant retraining you have plenty time to do that.

Although it is wonderful to be a Gran, it is not a full time job for most young or middle aged women. Is there not something that you would really like to do?

When DC1 left properly I was 40! Though I had a career, a husband and 3 DCs at home so I didn’t have as much time to feel the gap that her absence left.

They have all remembered Mother’s Day. I am fortunate in that respect.

to all today.

varian I have mentioned my career, twice. Though I can’t blame you for missing it amongst all of my waffle

I would love to volunteer but at the moment I’m going to enjoy my career and having money to spend on me & DH.

My apologies *alltheglitterglue". I should have read the thread more carefully.

If you have your hubbies with you, believe me it is easier.
I did it all as a lone parent with no support.

here I am sitting at home all by myself .no mothers day card.d only lives down the road with 2 grandchildren.and here I am watching my mother's day church service online.making me more depressed.

I don’t know if it gets any easier- but you do get used to it. When my two left for university and then moved to London I struggled for a long time. My youngest met a Canadian and now they live there with our two GC - the other daughter moved to Sweden 18 months ago with our other two GC - I think I almost had a breakdown the loss of them all seemed so great. The flip side is they are all successful and doing well - they say they miss us as we do them - we thought we could see them still / but the pandemic has put a stop to that and I have felt abandoned and left behind at times. A friend said to me - you have to learn to live for yourselves- I don’t think I knew how to then/ maybe still don’t . As the others say / find a friendship group - volunteer/ join an activity when you can of course - it’s so tough I know - sending kind thoughts to you / stay hopeful

Message to 'alltheglitterglue' - many of us are in this situation. Our children have left home and our work life is over. The first thing I did 10 years ago when I retired is find my nearest National Trust and go as a volunteer. I do one day a week (the same day) and have made many new friends and two particular friends who have been walking with me once a week, sometimes all three and sometimes two at a time. We talk about everything as we walk. I would recommend this to anyone who has recently retired, the Trust is always looking for new volunteers. The properties are closed at present but will be opening very soon. Give it a try, what are you waiting for.

I know this year has heightened everyone's emotions so I guess you have empty nest syndrome with bells on! Like you I was a young gran and none of my friends had GC so nobody was interested, now mine are more or less grown up and I am regaled with stories and sent cute pictures all the time. The feeling will pass a bit and here we had a lot of comings and goings until the AC married and settled down (well I'm hoping they have)

Sorry 'alltheglitterglue', I was thinking you had retired. You can volunteer with the National Trust at any age but if you're still working full time just enjoy the changes that life brings. All the best!

SooozedaFlooze

I live completely alone, don't see any of my 3 children and rattling around in a house too. I miss the sound of children so have gone back to work on an ad hoc basis in Child Protection. I've also opened my house up as an Air bnb as I'm incredibly lonely. I talk to my middle daughter & son weekly.
Mother's day again and not a single card, yes they know it hurts but too busy with their own lives to care.. Sad really as I did not raise them to be like this

I know exactly how you feel SooozedaFlooze - I thought I'd brought mine up not to be thoughtless too, but it does seem as they're all caught up with their own lives, and I'm 'useful' at times, but not necessarily thought of much otherwise - all too busy with their own lives, their friends etc. Despite all the love and support I've shown them over the years, it would have been easy to keep me happy on Mother's Day with just a text or a card (as we can't see each other anyway due to Covid), but nothing at all from three of them! It really does upset me. I speak to them all every week (it's usually me who rings them) , so I think it's just the way AC are these days. Please no unkind comments from anyone saying I expect too much from AC, and I work, have friends and have lots of hobbies, etc, but that's really not the point. I definitely have the empty-nest syndrome, and I know I need to work through that, but I expected it to be a little more gradual and it takes time and isn't easy. But it doesn't take much to text or phone, and if it makes someone happy, why wouldn't you? It really isn't asking a lot.

I think all mothers feel like this when the last child leaves home.

Start planning your future with your DH!

Yes, lockdown complicates things, but it cannot stop you finding out where you want to live when you both retire, when exactly you will be able to retire, and how much money you will have coming in, in the form of state pensions and pensions from your work.

If either or both of you are good at managing financial affairs, you probably can work all this out for yourselves, if not get hold of a good accountant, your unions and your bank managers to help you assess accurately what you will have of an income in your retirement.

An estate agent should be able to give a fairly accurate assessment of what you can expect your present home to sell for, but if you have mortgages they need to be taken into account when you are working out, how much money you will have to buy a new home for.

My advice would be to choose somewhere to start looking for a house where both you and your husband want to live

Don't tale notice of where your children are - they will quite likely move around a lot when they finish university. I am sure they will visit wherever you are.

Certainly do as others have suggested and start the difficult process of sorting though the accumulation of the the years and getting rid of stuff now.

DON'T fall for "Oh, but Mummy, I haven't room for that now, but I might want it later" routine. If the children want it at all, it is up to them to store it,

If you want a row of teddies sitting on a shelf because you cannot bear to throw them away, that's fine, but don't keep them because your adult children might want them. If they want them, the threat that teddy goes into the dustbin if not collected by such-and-such a date will work!

It’s worse being a widow at 50 as I was and children already left the nest. Be thankful for a loving husband they are worth their weight in gold

Hello,Would you consider becoming a foster carer ?
We too had a six bedroom house.Took the plunge and never regretted it x

I still have 2 youngest at home (22&17) so although i am worn off my feet doing everything still day to day, on days like today and birthday etc i realise i am very lucky, for although i can't see their older siblings (but they sent cards& gifts.) i do have my 'boys' and it makes it better- i can't say we're a 'team' when it comes to chores, but i got things to make it easy to do (think chicken in a bag, pre prepared veg) & they're going to try do their best to do lunch- bless 'em..I can't see them leaving home yet awhile, with slight disabilities, but I'm really glad of that at the moment.I can only suggest you take up any volunteering that's still available..there must be some, maybe even volunteer with the vaccine centres?(they need some to help take details, give directions etc) or the community groups delivering food to housebound?, or dog walking for them?) maybe by volunteering at things you can make new friends too, amongst other volunteers.Hope you have a nice day anyway, im sure your AC will ring/zoom or whatever, and your hubby is with you so you're never truly 'alone' so luckier than some on here.Make the most of it, think of it as just a 'lull' and I'm sure they'll all be filling your home again when its safe to do so.?

Lockdown's been even harder for people this time around - and it's depressing not being able to live what we think of as a 'normal' life anyway - but things WILL get better; and you are really lucky to have such a lovely family who one way or another will continue to love and stay in touch with you.

Advice to stay busy and find new interests is good. As most of us know by the time we are old enough to be grandparents, life doesn't always turn out like you expect. You clearly have many skills and abilities which could be put to use and help fill some of the gaps.

Thinking of the context within which we are all living now, I remember a pre Covid visit to the 'plague' Derbyshire village of Eyam, which lost hundreds of its inhabitants in the seventeenth century. One of them was a woman called Elizabeth Hancock, who personally buried her husband and all six of their children. They had all died within a week. Worldwide, many people have suffered because of Covid this past year - but perhaps not many to such an extent. When separation from my own nearest and dearest gets tough, I try to be grateful for living in the 21st century.

It is difficult, I was widowed and experiencing “empty nest” as the last of my three children went to uni. I found myself rattling round a big four bedroom Ed semi. I used my bedroom, a smaller sitting room, kitchen and bathroom only. The thing is our children do not always take everything with them. I found myself quite emotional looking at the doll’s house, and football trophies.
I had to bite the bullet and downsize after about 18 months. It was the best thing I ever did. I find myself very fortunate that I have always had lovely neighbours.
My children never returned home once they had left, but I didn’t either. You do quickly get used to your own space and at your own pace.
You sound like a lovely caring mum and grandma, you will eventually settle and be proud that you have brought your children up to be confident and more than able to step out and make their own lives.
Sending my best wishes.

Yes, if you're still working, volunteer for after work hours (just a couple of hours even?) Or on days off? Just to keep you connected to others and a chance to help you feel 'useful' and make new friends amongst other volunteers perhaps?