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What would you do?

(19 Posts)
4allweknow Sun 14-Mar-21 11:06:39

Dd died coming up for 2 years ago. Mother's Day is particularly hard as it was that weekend when she told us that after all the treatment she had undergone the recent scans etc showed a return and if lucky she may see her birthday in September. 20 days later she died. Since then for any significant occasion my son in law always included my daughter's name on cards and gifts. Only now feeling I had reached a stage of accepting my DD died I am knocked for six again receiving a Mother's Day gift with both his and DDs name on it. I don't know if he gets some sort of comfort from including DDs name. Would you tell him to stop and how would you go about doing so? Or perhaps I should just accept and allow myself to reconcile this too. I'm in tears.

Auntieflo Sun 14-Mar-21 11:32:07

Oh please don't ask him to stop. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, and can't begin to know how you feel.
If I have hurt you by saying this, I sincerely apologise, and feel teary at the thought of your pain. She will always be in your heart, and it is probably a way of helping your son in law to cope as well.
Sending you a huge {{{hug}}}

Blossoming Sun 14-Mar-21 11:46:15

So very sorry for your loss. Perhaps he’s recognising that you will always be her mother. I hope you can find a way through this that will comfort both of you flowers

sodapop Sun 14-Mar-21 11:50:10


So very sorry for your loss. Perhaps he’s recognising that you will always be her mother. I hope you can find a way through this that will comfort both of you flowers

My feelings exactly 4allweknow he obviously loved her very much that must be a comfort to you. thanks

Calendargirl Sun 14-Mar-21 12:09:38

I am sorry for the loss of your daughter, and can imagine how you feel.
As others have said, it probably helps your SIL to put her name on cards and gifts, plus he might also think that you will be hurt if he doesn’t!
He sounds a nice SIL, and credit to him for including you still, some maybe wouldn’t.
Perhaps sometime when you’re chatting, you could say something on the lines that even though time has passed, it still brings you up with a jolt to see DD’s name on cards etc.
And go from there.

LauraNorder Sun 14-Mar-21 12:20:21

I think it’s a beautiful gesture and for him to know it causes you pain would cause him pain. However if it’s unbearable for you then you must tell him as gently as you can.

Madgran77 Sun 14-Mar-21 12:22:40

It shows great caring on his part. If you really feel you cant cope with him doing this though, why not have a chat with him about a mutual way of acknowledging his wife/your daughter/your grandchild mum on Mothers Day? flowers

Luckygirl Sun 14-Mar-21 12:31:21

You will always be her mother. Maybe this is what he is trying to say - that you did a good job bringing her up and this has not been forgotten.

Let him know gently if you feel you cannot cope with this - but I am sure it is kindly meant.

NellG Sun 14-Mar-21 13:03:05

You must be feeling such a mixed bag of emotions over this, I am so sorry for your loss. I think, as others have suggested, he's doing it as a gesture to show you that her love for you remains, even though she is no longer with you. It's meant kindly - but clearly hurts, so if it's too painful perhaps talk to him at a better time for you?

Her name written down will help keep her memory alive though, which raw as the loss is now, may be comforting along the line? My very best wishes flowers

keepingquiet Sun 14-Mar-21 13:21:14

He sounds like a very caring man who must still be missing his late wife too, that he would remember both her and you on this day.
Maybe one day it will stop and then how would you feel? See it as helping him to send it and let the gesture play out through your lives.
It may end, it may not but I would tend to leave it be for now.

Alexa Sun 14-Mar-21 14:17:34

I think it is a lovely thought to bring you two together in your shared grief and continuing support for each other.

TrendyNannie6 Sun 14-Mar-21 14:23:32

This is so sad, I’m sorry for your loss, I think he is doing this to show you her love for you remains, this brought tears to my eyes too, I think you should ask him in a gentle way to stop doing it as you finding it hard to cope seeing it written, he sounds a decent and caring man I’m sure he will understand

grandmajet Sun 14-Mar-21 14:49:24

I can’t add to the good advice already given, but my heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine your pain, and hope you and your loving son in law can find peace in the future.

silverlining48 Sun 14-Mar-21 16:31:08

4allweknow I do agree with the other posters, and am so very sorry about your daughter. Two years is no time, of course you will be distressed.
Your son in law sounds a lovely caring man.
Sending a big hug to you and flowers

Kupari45 Sun 14-Mar-21 19:53:54

4allweknow, I do understand why you are upset. My daughter died five years ago after a horrible battle with Breast Cancer.
However I have today displayed her last Mothers day card -she sent me almost six years ago. It will always come out on the day. I look at it like this- Although my daughter has died she is still in my thoughts every day, she was much loved and I will always proudly display her last card, as she would want me too.
I do realise we all have different ways of dealing with grief, so maybe you could have a quiet word with your son-in-law and explain to him that his writing your daughters name on a card upset you. I'm sure he would understand. Like I say I do understand your pain.

Ro60 Tue 16-Mar-21 11:31:52

I think you should tell him how you feel & ask him to stop. You both seem so caring and supportive of each other. I think he would be upset if you didn't share your feelings. Be true to yourself.
Best wishes with which ever you decide to do.

Thistlelass Sun 21-Mar-21 21:20:20

Well 2 years is not really a long time, is it, to have lost your daughter. I know of someone who lost her Mum within past 2 months. One of her daughter's presented her with a framed picture on Mother's Day. Her mum had signed the picture, which was of butterflies. Now the recipient was in tears but in all honesty there will be much cherishing of that photo and I bet it comes out each year. Turning to your situation you may feel differently about these cards in time. Possibly your daughter may have asked her husband to remember you etc I would accept with grace. I would also try to think of a little something I might do to ease my son-in-law's pain. Extremely sorry for your loss.

crazyH Sun 21-Mar-21 21:23:35

So sorry for your

nanna8 Sun 21-Mar-21 21:35:21

I think his heart is in the right place and in some way it gives him comfort and he probably thinks you feel the same. I would gently say to him how you feel because I’m guessing he has no idea and he just wants you to know she is not forgotten.