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New to being a grandma and don’t k is how often to visit

(22 Posts)
Sranney2 Sat 20-Mar-21 17:27:26

I am new to being a grandma. I have worked hard to be a good MIL but I still don’t feel welcomed by my DIL. She rarely even says hello to me when I go to see her, my son, and my grandson. My question is, how often should I visit. I feel like she really wants her space and that I shouldn’t go over, even though she tells me to come anytime. My gut tells me to stay away until they come and see me so that I don’t overwhelm my DIL. That that will be my sign that they are ready for visitors. But I don’t want my son or my DIL to feel neglected. My grandsons is two months old and it was a very traumatic birth experience for my son and DIL.
I can’t ask my DIL because the answer I always get is, “everything is fine”. But no eye contact, and no hello when I go over. I go over about once every other week.
Thank you!

Oopsadaisy1 Sat 20-Mar-21 17:47:20

Once every other week sounds fine as long as you ask first and then take food, plenty of food, pop in the oven type of food.

Oh and cake, always take cake and to be doubly sure, take chocolate. ( take chocolate cake?)

But that’s just me.

Peasblossom Sat 20-Mar-21 17:55:00

Once every other week sounds fine to me.

I’m not sure what you mean when you say their visiting you will signal they are ready for visitors. You are visiting already.

Sranney2 Sat 20-Mar-21 17:57:13

Hahaha! Great answer

TrendyNannie6 Sat 20-Mar-21 18:02:21

I would ask your son, and just explain you want to do this on their terms, he’s still very young as yet, and they still be finding their feet, I’d give them a bit of space but go through your son, I’d send some flowers and ask your son is there anything they need you to do to help, etc food that he could pick up,( if live near) apart from that, I’d play it by ear, I didn’t have a traumatic birth with either of mine, and I found it hard in the first few months, but for me I had a MIL that was at my house every single day which was extremely hard, telling me how and what I should be doing, not saying you are like that as you seem a lovely grandma sranney, I’m sure it will be fine, wishing you all the best x

ExD Sat 20-Mar-21 18:05:22

I found I was more welcome at my daughter's than my daughter in law's, and generally (not always) it seems this is the case in most families.
Once a fortnight is fine, later you can offer to babysit and later still offer sleep-overs for when the parents want (are able) to stay out late. You are doing fine, don't push, just offer and then leave it.
It's difficult - but try not to feel resentful if she turns to her own mother for help rather than you.

Sranney2 Sat 20-Mar-21 18:05:29

I am but I feel it’s to much.

Thistlelass Sat 20-Mar-21 18:06:38

Congratulations on joining the world of grandmothers. It can have its ups and downs but it is a privilege to watch those kids grow up and assist and support if we can. I hope the baby is doing well. We don't always want to give intimate details of our birth experiences to our own mum (at least that was not for me) let alone our in-laws. So I guess you assume all is ok unless they differently. How lovely you have been given an open invitation. Plenty are actively discouraged. I wonder if DIL has support from her own family too? I don't think alternative weeks is too much at this stage but ni doubt someone could come along and say they think that is intrusive 🤷‍♀️ I guess you would be wondering if maybe DIL's mood may be a little on low side when she is not making eye contact but if she is not admitting to feeling a bit down there is not a lot you can do. I hope you are getting a lot of joy from having a grandchild.


Sranney2 Sat 20-Mar-21 18:08:18

I agree. Thank you

Redhead56 Sat 20-Mar-21 18:09:38

Congratulations to you becoming a gran💐 I think it’s early days see how they get on ask your son and DIL if there is anything they need.

I get on with my DIL but her mum is the priority and she is there all the time. It’s sometimes awkward being the paternal MIL I don’t know why. My MIL was an amazing woman we got on really well but we are all different. You could always ask them what day is best for a visit.

welbeck Sat 20-Mar-21 18:26:34

i think that's too often.
they'll ask you to come if they need/want you.
best to wait for that.

Jaxjacky Sat 20-Mar-21 18:39:16

Perhaps there are other worries that you’re not aware of, having a baby can be tough, during a pandemic with Covid still very much here must be even more difficult. Perhaps she just wants their baby in a safe bubble for a while?

Lucca Sat 20-Mar-21 19:25:52


i think that's too often.
they'll ask you to come if they need/want you.
best to wait for that.

Once a fortnight too much ?? Depends how long she stays surely.

Gingster Sat 20-Mar-21 19:44:10

It’s a difficult one. You don’t want to be intrusive but you don’t want them to think you don’t care.
My MIL lived in another country and I would have loved to have her nearby. I had my dear mum close but it would have been nice to have Mil too.
Just play it by ear. Invite them over to you. Ask if they would like a meal or just a short stay cuppa and chat. . Don’t push but be available.
Good luck and I’m sure you will have a great bond with your Gs in time.

Sheepandcattle Sat 20-Mar-21 19:49:13

Hi, congratulations on becoming a grandma. I think how often you visit depends a lot on how long you stay there for and what you do when you’re there. If you are visiting for a full day and are sitting on the sofa expecting to be entertained and hosted, then less visits would maybe be better. On the other hand, if it’s just popping in for a quick cuppa and catch-up, once a fortnight seems fine, but so much depends on your relationship and expectations. Do you feel able to offer some help when you visit, maybe offering to watch the baby while your DiL has a shower for example, or offering to pick up some shopping on route to visit? As someone previously suggested, an honest conversation might be in order to make sure you’re both in agreement about visits, especially in these Covid times.

LovelyCuppa Mon 22-Mar-21 09:39:44

Do you know if your dil says hello to others and makes good eye contact? That would tell me if that was her way, or if it was specifically me she was uncomfortable around. Congratulations on becoming a grandma by the way! You sound lovely and thoughtful.

Lolo81 Mon 22-Mar-21 09:59:45

How often did you see them/keep in contact before the baby came?
I’d use that as a guide as to how often DIL might expect to see you now.
One thing a lot of new mums feel is that they are the “gatekeeper” to access the baby and nothing more, so showing an interest in her as a person (not just a mum) might be well received? (I’m not in any way saying you don’t already do this, just pointing out one of the common themes I’ve read about on mumsnet)

Hithere Mon 22-Mar-21 10:29:49

I agree with lolo81

Op, how long does each visit last?

There is no acceptable standard of visiting frequency, it depends on what works for each individual family

While twice a months seems acceptable to someone people, they did not have a traumatic birth, they are not your dil and son

You visit twice a month, but how about other people? How many visits do they get?

Let's not forget about covid - huge concern as well

Hithere Mon 22-Mar-21 10:31:02

To some people, not someone - autocorrect feature in action!

Chardy Mon 22-Mar-21 11:56:02

Ask DiL

JennyNotFromTheBlock Tue 23-Mar-21 09:08:23

Once every other week sounds good. Or just ask your DIL, it will make things easier for everyone!

kwest Tue 23-Mar-21 09:56:14

You could ask DIL or son but rather than put them on the spot, it might be better to email or text, this gives them time to give a considered reply and equally gives you time to formulate a gracious response.