Why do Grandparents not bother with Grandson

Could be that these paternal g.parents are very anxious about Coronavirus.

A lot of people really seem to have the idea that ANY conctact with anyone else (particularly children) is tantamount to a death sentence. This would also explain their dismay of the photos of your son with his other g.parents.

Think it should be down to your partner, their son, to contact them anbd find out what is upsetting them so much. Hopefully, once they have had both their vaccine doses, they maybe able to relax a little

Far too many people have got themselves into serious problems as they have taken on board so much propoganda that seems to be telling them how dangerous people are!!!

I am not understanding your situation as clearly as most others seem to be, so please bear with me whilst I pose a few questions. By the way, my husband and I are paternal grandparents.

1) Have your partner's parents always behaved like this since your son was born?

2) Do both sets of Grandparents live about the same distance from you, or are one set much nearer?

3) Did your partner ask WHY they didn't like to see photos of your son with your parents?

4) Do both sets of Grandparents enjoy general good health, and are there big differences between the ages of your parents and your partners, as age may not only affect peoples health, but their energy levels, their abilities to cope with young children and/or stressful situations. A big difference in age groups can also mean that generational viewpoints come into play, as in your parents could be early 50's and your partners parents in there mid 80's (unlikely I know, but possible, especially if there is quite a big age gap between you and your partner?).

May I now ask some questions please pertaining to what your answers may be to the above 4 questions? I may also make some observations that are not meant in a negative manner, but may give that impression, if so I am apologizing in advance if that is the case.

Re 1) I asked that because I wonder if, and if so, how much the Covid pandemic may have affected your parents-in-law's current behaviour.
I am still shielding because of rather bad health, and even if I wasn't shielding, my husband and I are both strong believers in following the Covid rules because we care a lot about other vunerable people, and therefore trying our best to not pass the Virus to anyone else in case we are asymptomatic, and therefore didn't realise we had the Virus (of course as I am shielding I don't go out, ever, so my last point was hypothetical).
Therefore, we haven't seen our very beloved and adored Granddaughter since last August, and then socially distanced - we are very sad about that, and not seeing her parents of course too. We gave up on facetiming because it just felt so unnatural sitting facing each other through a screen, and our Granddaughter being made to sit talking to us when she (quite rightly) wanted to go and play! Even by text we haven't had very much to tell each other, as nothing happens, most of the last year has been incredibly boring, and quite depressing.

Re 2). Obviously if your parents live much closer it will be much easier for them to see their son, than for your partner's parents to.

Re 3) To me, this is the biggest issue, why they don't want to see their Grandchild with the other Grandparents. Hopefully that has nothing to do with jealousy (anything that makes our Granddaughter happy, makes us happy too - although in the past we have obviously loved it when we could make our Grandchild happy, and God willing we can do so again in the future.
I am wondering if they didn't like the photo of your son with his other Grandparents because it was taken at a time when they shouldn't have been seeing other because of lockdown rules (because last year during the first lockdown, Grandparents were not allowed to see their Grandchildren unless they all lived under the same roof, at that time they could not be used even for childcare!
Pp's have asked if your parents were in a bubble with you, but at that time if a parent lived with someone else, even their spouse and other Grandparent, you were not allowed to make a bubble - bubbles were for a family and a lone elderly Grandparent, or for a single patent with a child/children, and another supporting household. So IF you were breaking any of those rules, I imagine your parents-in-law may have been very upset, I certainly would have been under those circumstances - but I am not saying that that is what happened with you, only that if it was, or if your PiL thought that was what had happened, then that could have been a reasonable reason to be upset.
My last thought on this is, did your PiL actually say it was the PHOTO of your parents with your son that upset them, could they have meant that they never see your son alone (or with you), that they are only invited when your parents are there too, and that they want a chance to be the only Grandparents there, sometimes, so that they cam build a seperate bond? This is why it was important for your partner to ask his parents why they said that, without that information I don't see how we can offer much helpful advice, or how you and your partner can understand your PiL's behaviour, sorry.

Re 4) The question is hopefully self explanatory.

Good luck going forward OP, and if their behaviour is just down to them not being very caring Grandparents, I don't think there is much more you can do, at least your son has one pair of loving Grandparents.

I can not understand it. I have the opposite a 4 years old granddaughter who I absolutely adore. But there has been practically no contact from my daughter. They would prefer me not to love her. They are jealous my daughter of my love for granddaughter and my son in law for my granddaughter living me. To say its eating me up is a understatement. I will have to resort to being a surrogate grandmother to someone.

I am puzzled. I have seen two of my grandchildren for a short distanced chat at their doorway or ours 4 times in lockdown, once in the Summer for a distanced conversation. We have a very huggy loving relationship and not being able to go near each other was awkward and felt sad. Had we lived a distance away I would only have done it once. Their other grandma who was a regular visitor before Covid though she lives hundreds of miles away, has kept away. Had she visited and photos appeared on social media of her with our grandchildren I wouldn’t have liked it as it would have meant rules were being broken. As it happens my DD caught Covid at Christmas from her 9 year old and is still suffering the after effects.
We’re you asking your in-laws to break lockdown rules and are your parents in your ‘bubble’ KelseyLou?

I'd say stop trying so hard. Remember their birthdays, Christmas and other significant dates. Maybe send photos of your boy at intervals. Send an invitation to them if you are having family round (once restrictions have ended) but don't get upset if they say no, or don't attend.

It sounds as if it does have something to do with your DH's relationship with his parents rather than with you so let him tackle it if he wants to.

Let your son enjoy his time with the grandparents who want to spend time with him and don't worry about the others. Not everyone likes young children so maybe they will develop a better relationship with him when he is older. But this can only happen if you haven't closed any doors to them.

I see on here that so many grandparents have problems with their sons' children. Boys/young men just don't seem to 'get it' do they?I am totally envious of my DIL's parents as she is constantly in touch with the, visits them as much as she can, shares daily calls, photos and takes our granddaughter to visit regularly
She never calls me, sends the odd photo and they have never been to visit (yet)
BUT I GET IT!
She wants the support of her Mum (I am a comparative stranger) and Dad (who spoils her rotten) and does all sorts of jobs round the house and garden for them. Why wouldn't she love that? I would have loved it when my two were growing up (my parents were 100 miles away and we barely saw them)
Saying all that the relationship you will build with your grandchild will endure all this discomfort even of you see them only every now and then.
A friend of mine only sees her (Australian) grandchildren once a year and they have a wonderful time together. She appreciates the fact that her DIL has her family close by and they are there to help out and support them while they are so far away
Keep it light, stay in touch, be kind and understanding. This is not all about you it is about the future of your grandchild and what is best for them. And that is kind and loving grandparents on both sides, each with different gifts to offer. No child has ever had too many grandparents!

This seems rather strange! Why would they complain about seeing a photo of your parents with their grandson? Perhaps you could ask them if they would like a photo of them with him, which would obviously mean a meeting.
Have they always been the same or did they used to see your son?
Do they have any other grandchildren?
What is their relationship like with you and your husband apart from this?

Sorry for your dilemma.....I would just take it slowly and maybe they will come round. In my case it is the opposite ...My daughter sent me a letter (first communication in 12 years) 2 years ago containing a photo of her wedding and a photo of a child who, it said on the back 'This is your grandson, who is nearly 3'....no address, e mail address, or anything ...I DID trace her and found out where she lives .....and so I send cards at birthdays, Chritmas, etc ...although I have no idea of his birth date ...and my Solicitor tells me I cannot make any provision for him in my Will, or an ISA as I do not a) have his date of birth, and b) his mother;s permission. I have contacted her via FB and LinkedIn, and my messages have been seen, so she is well aware of where I am ....the reason she decided to cut herself off is totally unknown ! The very last message I had from her said ;We are thinking of coming to stay for a holiday (We being her and then boyfriend) (and we lived in Spain) ....so I delightedly replied (she had stayed always, several times a year, when at Uni and working, when I paid the fares, etc) lovely ...let me know the dates, TOTAL blank ....a message some months later saying 'DO NOT contact me again;.......WHY ????? I shall never know ...........so please, if you can, try to mend fences slowly

If you're posting photos on Facebook you can select who sees those images. If you are using the fb app, before you hit the post button, take a look at the 'friends' button just under your name, press that and there will be a list of options - you can choose 'everyone except ....' and then just deselect the names of the people you don't want to see it. Sometimes I do this if I want to post an image to just a select few people and not the whole of my ' friends' list.

icanhandthemback

^I’ve invited them to go to the park with their Grandson..they refused.^

Haven't we been in lockdown for a year? Maybe they don't want to take any risk. My stepfather has health anxiety and he wouldn't be taking any chances even after vaccination and lockdown easing. Communicating with a 3 year old on Zoom or phone is often a thankless process so maybe in makes them avoid that.
I'd let your husband intervene when lockdown is over and they are allowed contact.

Is that even allowed? And what is the distance involved?
If you are in a bubble with your parents perhaps they feel rather left out and don't want to be pushy.

I have not seen my grandchildren except on Christmas Day, we've certainly not been to any parks.

KelseyLou, you carry right on posting whatever YOU, the parent, want to post of your child on social media.

If anything is said, your husband could reply, 'We invited you, too, but you didn't want to come.'

Your poor husband though. How sad for him.

The other grandparents of my eldest dgd live in the same neighbourhood as her, and IGNORE her in the street.
I will never understand that.
Their behaviour isn't YOUR responsibility, you can only control yours and your reaction to it. They are the ones missing out.
Stop chasing them is my advice ?

The paternal grandparents of my children were similar and very jealous of any time I spent with my parents. Our DD was their first grandchild. MiL even once said that as my mother had other grandchildren then she really had no rights spending time with our DD as she was her only GC and yet she wasn’t interested.

Your parents-in-law cannot have it both ways, as others have said.

What was your relationship like to them before you had your son?

What is your husband doing about his parents in this connection?

Is he your husband or your partner? If you are not married and his parents are old-fashioned, I suspect that might be the trouble.

Go on seeing your parents as you please. If you feel like posting pictures of them and your son on facebook or whatever else you are doing, that is your business, not your parents'-in-law.

You have tried hard to improve this relationship, so I don't think there is more that you can do.

Very weird and hurtful,my daughter has the same problem and it’s gone on for 11 years.They see their granddaughter about twice a year and just turn up I can’t figure it out——- we have 7 grandchildren and see them as much as humanly possible.
Some people are selfish and feel they have done their child rearing,they are missing out on the best part of life.You sound lovely just pull back and see what the future brings.

I consider myself one of the very lucky grandmothers. My daughter let me share her children's childhood as much as possible. If they wanted me to babysit for a night they would bring them over to me and pick them up next morning. They would come weekends every two or three weeks. Essentially because if they missed a week they'd ask their mum 'can I fone nana and arrange to go for the weekend. Him at three and his sister at 2! My daughter said she would never dream of saying no unless there was something very important they were doing that weekend. They were a delight. I took them on holiday once a year to my sister in Wales. My home they considered their second home. They continued to do this until they were 12 or 13. Once they started secondary school it was only in the holidays. The are now at uni and I'm first on the list to visit when they come home. I love them so much and I believe they love me. Sorry everyone who doesn't have this good fortune but I had to say it's possible.

What an unusual couple. You must be feeling very hurt. I think this happens quite often as you are the daughter-in-law, not their daughter. They are the ones missing out the most. Maybe it will improve as your child gets older. How did they treat you before you had a child? Do they have other grandchildren and if so, are they treated as badly?

Nannan2, I'm like you - and I miss them terribly. I have a grandson, born in November, that I've only seen on Zoom so far!

Still, there are far worse problems than distant, uninvolved grandparents. I had to actively guard/protect my children from my cruel mother!

I guess you're right Hetty58- but i couldn't imagine not being involved in my own GC's upbringing, and seeing them (in usual times) and this last year has been really awful..(longer really, as some I've not seen since december 2019!) Their parents dont ring as much as they did at beginning of lockdown, as they were busy with home schooling , working etc. and facetime only occasionally from one of them. I'm hoping all memories we made already will keep me fresh in their hearts& minds. Sadly my new(ish) GD born last june doesn't really know me yet.? (but my son's taught her to say 'nanny' now for when they facetimed other week) ?

You haven't really given enough information for anyone to draw any conclusions so I don't know why people are saying they are being toxic! We are in lockdown, we have been in lockdown more or less for the last 12 months, it is utterly miserable, don't make it any more miserable for yourself. They might be worried about covid, they might not. They might think their son needs to get in contact, they might not. The list is endless really. I would honestly keep in contact but not expect too much and then you are never disappointed.

It could be much simpler. We told our children that we would regard all children as walking petri dishes until we are all safely immunized. they fully understood. We stay in contact with the parents but we hope to all share a holiday spread over two cottages in September. Grandparents , much as they love their grandchildren are resilient with interests of their own and their lives do not revolve around the activities of their grandchildren. To do that would be awkward and emvarrassing for them when they become teenagers.

Do they have other grandchildren whom they see?

Natasha76

I would not break contact with them because we never know what is going on in peoples lives so don't make judgements and be kind. There are 4 sets of people here to consider when weighing up your actions :-
1) Your son- He needs to have grandparents in his life and you should contiunue to call them and involve him as best you can. Ignore any nasty comments and keep phoning - say once every 2 weeks. You are setting your son an example as well don't forget.
2) Your Husband- Leave his realtionship with his parents to him. You can be supportive but don't put yourself in the middle.
3) Don't let any of this affect what you do with your parents as grandparents. Its not their problem and they should be allowed to enjoy their grandson and photos as much as they and you want.
4) Yourself- you've already made the decsion you don't need them if you are preared to stop trying to contact them but you also need to feel good about yourself and that you've done the right thing.
We all "have the relatives that we have" and you can't turn them into the relatives we would like to have. So be proud when you look back on how you have behaved and be kind.

I agree with this.

There can be problems caused by posting photos of children on social media. Is that the issue rather than who your son was with in the photo?

*question mark in wrong place?they DO share the memories, its not a question.?

KelseyLou, being a concerned and involved grandparent - is not compulsory!

As it seems that they aren't interested, it's best to accept that. Stay in touch occasionally, but don't expect them to change or become the grandparents that you expected.