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Big invitation dilema Help!!

(24 Posts)
sandelf Thu 22-Apr-21 19:01:09

Please wise grans... I have an invitation (must reply have been avoiding). To a good friend's (1) Deferred 80th (2) Diamond Wedding - now combined summer evening party - big band, good food. Problem is DH doesn't know many of the invitees and does not enjoy this type of socialising. I don't any more either - but only since CV19 gave the chance to find this out. (Hence friend is not being daft inviting us - we have changed). Do I grit 'our' teeth and somehow get through the evening (not 'a bit unpleasant' for us now, but actually real torture) or how on earth do I nicely decline the invitation?

Blossoming Thu 22-Apr-21 19:09:50

If this is a very good friend I think I’d accept but maybe leave quite early. I struggle with lots of people and noise but my family and friends are aware of this so are fine if I need to get away. Sorry I’m not being much help.

Fleur20 Thu 22-Apr-21 19:19:36

Be honest!
Tell her you are just not ready to socialise yet and would rather not upset her plans/numbers nearer the time. Thank her for inviting you and you are sure they will have a wonderful time. Remind her to take lots of photos!!
Send her flowers the day before the 'do'.

Maggiemaybe Thu 22-Apr-21 19:26:26

I think you’re over-thinking it. Just be honest and decline politely. It sounds like quite a big do, so your friend won’t be expecting everyone to accept. We’ve had friends refuse invitations to parties because they or their partners don’t much like socialising. It was no big deal, and we certainly wouldn’t have wanted anyone there who wasn’t enjoying it.

V3ra Thu 22-Apr-21 19:41:37

Many years ago we were invited to an evening wedding reception for a couple I childminded for.
We went, to be polite, although we didn't know anyone else there. I enjoyed it for the people-watching. (My husband had been at work all day and nodded off in a corner, nothing unusual there...).

As she's a good friend, would it also work for you to go but not think about socialising as such?
Just look on it as an evening meal out with your husband and don't worry too much about the rest of the guests.

Redhead56 Thu 22-Apr-21 21:16:44

Just go this last year has been hell eat drink and be polite life is too short.

B9exchange Thu 22-Apr-21 21:28:12

This is a big double celebration for them and may be their last. It is also a celebration of them both surviving a very long lockdown. Could you not focus on them, rather than on your own feelings? We can't hide away for the rest of our lives, and if you concentrate on watching them enjoying themselves you will find it so much easier.

janeainsworth Thu 22-Apr-21 21:37:27

I agree with B9. They have invited you because you’re their friends and they want to share their happiness with you. Reaching 80 and a Diamond wedding is a real cause for celebration.
Whatever you do, don’t go but leave early, as suggested upthread.
There’s nothing worse from the host’s point of view - you realise they’re leaving because they’re not enjoying it, and then you start worrying that everyone else is not enjoying it and they will leave early too.

I’ve come to accept that some people I know just don’t like parties. No problem, I just invite my friends who do and everyone has a good time.

Nansnet Fri 23-Apr-21 05:26:31

It's a good friend, and it's an 80th birthday and Diamond Wedding celebration. True good friends are hard to come by, and at the age of 80, you don't know how much more time you'll be able to spend together. It's a one-off, very special occasion, and they'd likely be very disappointed if you declined the invite ... I'd definitely go if I were were you. The only reason I wouldn't go would be if my husband or I were unwell. You don't have to stay late, just have a couple of drinks, and enjoy the good food. When you've had enough, congratulate your friends, and politely thank them for the invite, then tell them that you're not as young as you used be, and you can't manage late nights any longer.

Humbertbear Fri 23-Apr-21 08:05:47

We were invited to a bat mitzvah two years ago. My husband didn’t want to go but it was the grand daughter of our best friends. I told him we would leave after dinner when the music got noisy. As it was he had a good time and we stayed to the end. I think you should go and leave early as soon as it is polite to do so.

nanna8 Fri 23-Apr-21 08:48:40

I’d go. When you get there, you never know, you might enjoy it. That has happened to me many times .

Polarbear2 Fri 23-Apr-21 08:51:11

It’s not about you. It’s about helping your friends celebrate a great milestone. Get over yourself and go and be nice. It’s one or two hours out of your lives. 🤷‍♀️

simtib Fri 23-Apr-21 09:19:47

Go along, find a quiet courner and sit and chat to a few people. You should just be there you do not have to join in with everything.

Nannarose Fri 23-Apr-21 09:58:52

I don't think it matters what you decide - but you need to reply quickly for catering / so they can invite someone else.

If they are very good friends, say it is a shame you are feeling a bit unlike yourself, but 'I know you understand' - then invite them for a nice dinner to make up (we have done this).
If they are not close friends, then simply declining is fine.

I agree that sending flowers, or a nice bottle of something is a kind gesture that shows you care.

Aveline Fri 23-Apr-21 11:51:45

It might not be a very wild event. Given that its an 80th birthday/diamond wedding anniversary its possible they might not have many older friends there which would be sad for them.
I usually dread invitations like this but have found that I actually enjoy them once I'm there. I dont like crowds but do enjoy nice chats and catching up with people. There's usually a quiet corner and kindred spirits to talk to even if they're complete strangers. Apart from anything else, having gone to a party gives me lots to talk about with DH. The party 'post mortem' can be great fun.

eazybee Fri 23-Apr-21 12:37:59

An eightieth birthday and a Diamond wedding are both very special occasions; I do think you should go, as who knows what the future brings? Tell your hostess you may leave early, saying quite openly that since covid you are nervous of large gatherings, then you have the option to stay should you relax and enjoy yourselves once there.
I think, like two of my friends who refuse to leave their houses, you are in danger of becoming 'institutionalised'; the longer you delay mixing the harder it will become.

ValerieF Fri 23-Apr-21 18:59:59

As you say it’s a “good” friend. And such a special occasion, I can’t understand why you wouldn’t at least put in an appearance?? BUT if you are going to actively go there with “gritted” teeth I personally Wouldn’t want anyone at a party of mine who was so reluctant to be there! Shame she hasn’t got better friends.

Gingster Fri 23-Apr-21 19:12:37

My DH and I are the same and have over the last couple of years S politely declined invitations but have taken the hosts out for a nice lunch at a later date.
This has always been gladly accepted and we’ve all enjoyed our outing.
We spent a while going to parties etc, unable to speak to people because of loud music and being bored out of our minds. We felt rude if we left early, so eventually decided enough was enough.
We enjoy socialising with small groups of friends and family , coffee, lunches, etc. And this suits us.
Gone are our days of large gatherings, thank goodness.

Lolo81 Fri 23-Apr-21 19:15:31

Many of the best nights out I’ve ever had have been ones where me and/or DH have been on the fence about attending.

Whilst I don’t disregard that C19 may have given you clarity that you don’t enjoy socialising, has it maybe become a defence mechanism or habit to frame the issue this way?

If you really don’t want to go I’d be vague, just a polite message declining the invite because you have other plans and wish them a lovely evening. Maybe send a wee gift.

M0nica Fri 23-Apr-21 19:32:37

I am with those who say 'go' and for all their reasons. I m not a party animal, but if someone close to me asks me to a special occasion, I g.

Most of the time I have a pleasant evening and I go home with the glow of knowing that the event was a good deed well done. My friend/family member appreciates that I was there to mark their special days - and special days are usually one-offs.

My surviving sister dipped out of attending an event we organised for a special anniversary, her deciding not to come to this event really hurt me. There was no reason for this refusal and no attempt to provide on. I just would not do this to someone close to me, no matter how unappealing the event.

sandelf Fri 23-Apr-21 20:34:33

You have made me think. I have accepted for us both and we are looking forward to it. - changed perspective so thanks for all your comments! I knew it would help to ask you.

Aveline Fri 23-Apr-21 20:59:14

I really hope you enjoy it. Please come back and let us know how you got on. smile

janeainsworth Fri 23-Apr-21 22:21:42

As I used to say to the DC, you’ll enjoy it when you get there grin
You’ve made the right decision sandelf - your friends will be so pleased to see you & share their special day with you. I hope you have a lovely time smile

Alexa Sat 24-Apr-21 07:27:44

I agree. Stay as short a time as is consistent with good manners. Regard the event as an opportunity to act a part, as no doubt the Royals do during their working lives.