Bereavement Advice Please

It’s 2+yrs since my DH died and I do still feel like a spare part as I’m now alone a lot of the time. I just have to accept that life is never going to be the same and your friend is in the same position. Just be there to support her I’m sorry I’m not more help.

Sincere condolences to your lovely friend who is struggling at present. If she was married/partnership for many years it must be very strange to be all alone now.
All I can say is, it's early days yet & lingering C19 restrictions can't be helping her to see any future other than as a spare part. However. I hope for her sake that given time she will see herself as an individual again, & can get out & about to reach new horizons.
Bereavement can't be hurried and her sense of loss must be heavy, but little by little with perhaps help & encouragement from family & friends she will reach out for new adventures & become happier in herself. One step at a time ...

For me, the best friends were not people who tried to say something to help, but the people who did things with me and made me feel I was not a spare part but someone to have fun and do interesting things with.

It’s more difficult at the moment but I did appreciate the people who went on walks with me, went to the cinema, exhibitions, weekends away. Generally did something they enjoyed but with me, instead of with their partner.

And at the same time I made new friends of other single people by joining clubs, volunteering, singles holidays so that when I needed company I could phone someone and say what are you doing and know I wasn’t disturbing their family life.

So think of something you both like doing and do it with her!

What would make me sad was that no-one would mention my DHs name - as if talking about him would upset me, yes I would get tearful sometimes but I wanted to talk about him and remember the fun times we had, how he could always make me laugh and his wonderful sense of humour. It felt as if other people were trying to forget he ever existed.

Thas why helping with bereavement is so difficult Oldwoman. That’s the one thing I didn’t want. It made me feel worse not better. I had to stop people in their tracks if they started, probably quite rudely?.

I guess the best thing is to actually ask people what will help and really listen to what they say. ?

I think it`s sad when people don`t mention the person that died,but people start feeling like they are walking on egg shells.
And to be fare,they may feel like it would upset the person who`s lost their partner/spouse.
I just talk about them as if they were still here,iv`e never been knocked back for it up to now anyway.

Myself and family have always talked about my husband, right from when he died. After all, he did exist, and take part in family occasions. Just talk normally to your friend, and as someone said, think of things you both enjoy and can do together.

Sadly no hard and fast ways to help anyone through bereavement. You can only be guided by the person. Some will want space and others will want to throw themselves into the action.

Continue to invite her out but respect her decision if she declines.

I would just be there to listen not offer advice.

I am glad you are a caring friend, please keep inviting her to things, don't give up on her. It's very early days for her, she probably still feels numb and will be exhausted after all the paperwork you have to do after a death, there is so much of it.

One of my worst days has always been Sunday, could you ask her round for Sunday lunch?

"For me, the best friends were not people who tried to say something to help, but the people who did things with me and made me feel I was not a spare part but someone to have fun and do interesting things with."
I couldn't agree more Peasblossom.
Ascot12 this is the best way you can help speaking from recent personal experience. Your whole sense of purpose goes and there is no road map to follow. Good friends try to restore this purpose and share their time with you.
At one point I did get angry (to myself) at some friends who were "smug couples" always going on about where they were going (pre lock down) and the nth holiday they had booked without a thought how that came across and made my feelings of loss even greater. I've learned to live with that to some extent.
So yes, share your time, Plan holidays and lovely places to visit. Then you will truly be a great friend.

One of my closest friends lost her husband last September. I have spoken to her at least once a day, often in the evening when I suspect other people don’t bother to call. I also text her. I have delivered meals to her as well as homemade bread and pate. We have been going for walks twice a week and I have invited her for dinner on May 19th when it will be legal. She has told me that she often has ‘conversations’ with the husband’s armchair. At the funeral I told her I would go on holiday with her when it is was possible. Her daughter said that was the best thing anyone had said to her as one of her worries was that she wouldn’t have anyone to travel with. I agree with other posts that the best thing is to do something positive, however small/

What a good friend you are Humbertbear. Phone calls are so much better than texts. You might like to suggest to your friend she join the WAY UP organisation, it was a lifesaver for me in the early days.

Your friend will have good days and bad days and I'm sure she appreciates being invited to things. When you're widowed you spend a lot of time in an empty house. Life will never be the same again but our memories can help fill that empty space. I've been told that it's the little things which trip you up because you're looking out for the big things - so true. for your friend.

Ascot 12. Just be there for your friend. I was widowed over 20 years ago and the huge gap I felt in the first years has closed over mostly now.
I am grateful to all the people who were there for me in those early years. They started the healing process by phoning, visiting. going out or on holiday with me. Now over the years there have been new people and new experiences to help fill the void.
Wishing you and your friend well

It is still early days for your friend and she might find it very difficult to cope with any social situation involving her usual social crowd, especially involving couples. I couldn’t cope with anything like that for a long while, I could manage going for a coffee or walk with a friend but that was it.
The best thing I found after many months was a local social group purely for the bereaved. I found going out places within the group ok because they were all in the same situation and totally understood if I burst into tears in certain circumstances.
It was a good stepping stone to then being able to cope with normal social situations. I now help to run this group to help others who sadly find themselves bereaved.