Down Sizing

What a nice thing for your DH to say Grammaretto, how lovely, thank you. Sometimes when I was carrying wood up the icy stairs in horizontal sleet, and my bones were groaning, I thought of the old lady that lived in the Dales without running water or electricity - was it Hannah? I can't remember but I know she had it even harder than me. Downsizing for me was most certainly the best thing I have done for myself , although I feel a huge sense of loss at all the possessions I had to sell/rehome/give away. Good luck if you do decide to move in the next few years, I wonder if this thread will still be going|?

I've just popped in as my dog is driving me bonkers with his whining and howling due to the bitch in season in my road. Sadly no beach for him tonight, I think I'll lose him immediately if there are any other dogs there. He's pacing and whining, then going to his window chair and barking, then howling. Thank heavens I've got an appointment at the vet on Monday, he is really suffering.

Hmm! I may soon have to consider downsizing my brick-built 'storage facility' otherwise know as a house to a medium size cardboard box made to measure to fit a local shop doorway. Never thought this might be a possibility in my 60's. & at the same time.

I totally empathise. Msida So sorry for your loss. My DH died in November and friends gave me all the same advice to stay at least a year or even two. Don't rush into anything.

We had talked about downsizing but when he became really ill this was the last thing we cared about.

Lockdown has been strangely helpful because it has allowed me to just be and do nothing.
Getting used to being on my own, learning to cook for one, dealing with the paperwork, etc. I still haven't dealt with the mountain of condolence cards.
I have had some awful things happen which may have been a warning: A ceiling came down and I have had to endure a big upheaval and expense with that and a tree came down in a storm crashing onto the drive, blocking it.
We have been so long here, over 40 years and a lifetime of stuff. The charity shops and recycle centres are only now beginning to reopen.
I would consider moving but although I look on line daily, I never see anything that appeals.
I am even considering converting the house into flats and living in one of them. For me it is also my workplace - I am a studio potter so that is another consideration.

I must thank Shandy whose story this past year - or more? has been inspirational. DH used to call her the Station lady and he loved her house.
Aepgirl what you say is very true.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. It is a enormous change in situation to come to terms with.
My husband died 4 years ago, and within a few months I had decided that I wanted to move to a smaller property where I would also be closer to family. (I only live half an hour from them). I couldn’t seem to find anywhere that suited me, and whilst looking, I reorganised and redecorated our family home. The memories were still there, but I felt that the house was becoming mine, and, although I didn’t want to eradicate hubbies memory, I felt that I had to change things, so that I was not constantly bombarded with memories of his presence at every turn. I’m still here, and love it. My neighbours are fantastic, and I love the area in which I live. I will never forget my DH, but I now find comfort in living in a house that we chose together.........and I don’t rattle around in a 4 bed house. I now have a dressing room and a dedicating craft/sewing room; things I couldn’t have in a smaller house.
Good luck with whatever you chose to do, but sometimes waiting can bring solutions that are right for you. xx

Valerie F. I feel your pain. I am in a similar position. I have cleared a lot of my Mum's things but there is still quite a bit to do and it is so hard.

You haven’t mentioned if you have family or friends, including neighbours nearby. Hopefully you have plenty of support to help you make decisions. Moving house is a big decision no matter what your situation is. If you are lonely could you let a room for a few months so you have someone in house with you? Also brings in an income.

Take care and I hope all works out well for you ?

I empathise on the death of your husband.My DH died in December. Fortunately, we had downsized back to where we grew up, and where family and friends are, four years ago, leaving me now in the smaller bungalow. We weren't specifically ' future-proofing ' as such, but, in retrospect, it was a good move. I'm still sad, but, I don't have any dilemmas about moving. Having read all your posts, I feel that it's a topic that we should address sooner, together, and plan what would suit either, when he/she is the one who is 'left' - if possible.

So sorry for your loss Msida. I havent been through the loss of a husband, but I was heavily involved when my Dad passed away and left Mum on her own in a large 5 bed detached house with a huge garden. Family opinion in general was that she must move and Mum started to talk about a nice little bungalow. We had her house valued and spent about a month hunting for the bungalow. It was such a useful exercise and really allowed Mum to think through all the pros and cons and weigh up all the options having seen the alternatives in person. She decided not to move in the end and it was the right decision for her.

Oh yes I did just that 3 yrs ago for the same reason as you. We had a large house with wraparound gardens, and it took me 5 yrs to admit that I really couldn’t cope with them! So I stayed in the same town where I have a good social life, but moved closer to the town so that I could walk there when I got older, as I want this to be my last move. So I’ve now got a 2 bed bungalow which I really love, although my new partner calls it my dolls house!! Good luck. Xx

Msidna. From another prospective. When my dad died, my mum continued to live in the house with YEARS of things they collected. Mum wouldn’t part with anything. She outlived dad by 20 years and when I eventually had the sad task of clearing out , basically her whole life, it broke my bloody heart. I spent so long sitting and howling as to be honest I couldn’t even “give” away the things she treasured for so long and I had no room for them.

I vowed then I would NEVER put my children through that and down sized, got rid of lots of stuff that was only pertinent to me. Me meant zilch to anyone else. Took a lot to do it phew but no way did I ever want my kids to be put In position I was.

Being lonely has nothing to do with where you are, or how big the house is. Loneliness is a state of being alone, and it’s horrid. I feel most lonely when I have been out with friends (pre-COVID!) and coming home to an empty house, with nobody to talk about my evening.

My condolences on your loss, Msida. This thread is interesting because I'm in the same boat. My DH died two months ago and I decided not to wait and put my bungalow on the market straight away. Although it's a perfect size for me, I need to move nearer to family.

I did think very carefully about the need to come to terms with it all and not to rush but I'm sure a fresh start in a home with no memories is right for me although I'm sure it wouldn't suit everybody.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

My condolences Msida, I was widowed 10 years ago. We were living in France at the time so I had to make the decision whether to move back or not. A number of people offered advice and opinions but the best advice I was given was to not make big decisions for the first year. I took that advice and was glad I did. There’s so much to deal with and you need time to even begin to come to terms with your loss without adding the stress of sorting belongings, packing and moving. I send you my best wishes and hope you make a decision that is right for you.

So sorry you have lost your husband, my deepest condolences. You might like to join the WAY UP group for widows, I received a lot of support from the members in my first year.

I had to downsize when my husband died because of money, I just couldn't afford the huge bills, plus my house needed complete renovation. I did love having so much space but was always anxious about household maintenance, both getting tradesmen in, and the cost. As it was such a large house quotes always seemed inflated - I rang for the gutters to be cleaned and it was £40 - when the man came he said due to the height, it would be £140. I was desperate and had to pay, the bedroom wall was being affected by whatever was blocking the gutter. I had been quoted £8K alone for the boiler and pipework replacement and started worrying when the boiler 'made noises'.

I am now in a three bed bungalow and feel happier maintenance and bills will be smaller. I still miss my beautiful old house, and treasure the memories.

If you do think you might move to a smaller property, do start to declutter and sell/rehome all large furniture now. It took me a year to clear mine before I went on the market, as well as general decorating etc. Unfortunately I moved during lockdown and couldn't sell or rehome mine, the new house owner had it all.

I'm one who chooses to stay put. I'm open to the thought of moving but I only have happy memories of being here and as long as this warmth surrounds me I'll be here. I've more space than I need but it's handy when the family are around. So far so good.

We have never upsized so we live in a compact duplex apartment, with friends and facilities nearby, when I become less mobile a stairlift is possible , bathroom is already adapted and I have plans to completely reorganise the space to make it wholly mine in the distant future. Even my husband realises the stress of my being widowed and helps in futureproofing our home to enable me to live here. Change and moving can be very stressful following bereavement and it will affect us all at some time.

Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your DH. Mine is 86 and I know I can't have him forever, so I do kind of walk through in my mind whether I would want to stay in this house on my own.
Go with your feelings - lots of Grans have said that moving helped them to come to terms with widowhood.

So sorry for your loss. I definitely think if I was on my own I would want a little house with just enough room - easy to manage and somehow cosy and comforting. Good luck with your decision - I hope you find comfort and happiness going forward x

So, so sorry for your loss. My mum left my sis & I her house which I moved into when I got divorced. I found living in the house made me sad, even though I changed it all, I still expected to be walking in and my mum sitting there. I ended up and moved, broke my heart as it was our family home, we were the only family that ever lived in it. It was the best thing for me, I got a bungalow that suits just me and the dog. Memories go with you, they are all stored in your heart.

CBBL

I have been widowed twice. The first time was in 1988 and our home then was a two up, two down terrace. I did not want to leave, as it had been a happy home for us. I used to pretend that my late husband was in a other room, or out in the garden, which worked well except for when it was time for going to bed! I was still working, and also had good neighbours, so moving was not a sensible option. I kept the house even after remarriage in 2004, and moved back there in 2011, after my husband died in 2010. I now live in the very North of Scotland, with a view of the sea, which I love, even though it's very rural, mostly because my "old" home had stairs which became difficult to manage, and was also on a steep hill!

yes, my move which will happen at some date in the future, will be driven by my iffy knees and managing the stairs.

I have been widowed twice. The first time was in 1988 and our home then was a two up, two down terrace. I did not want to leave, as it had been a happy home for us. I used to pretend that my late husband was in a other room, or out in the garden, which worked well except for when it was time for going to bed! I was still working, and also had good neighbours, so moving was not a sensible option. I kept the house even after remarriage in 2004, and moved back there in 2011, after my husband died in 2010. I now live in the very North of Scotland, with a view of the sea, which I love, even though it's very rural, mostly because my "old" home had stairs which became difficult to manage, and was also on a steep hill!

Sorry for your loss, it seems to have worked out well for you regarding the move. My situation is slightly different, husband is on end of life care so I'm looking to my future alone. I've lived in this big house for nearly 30 years but I love it here and wouldn't want to live anywhere else. I have two dogs, a big garden and it's in a nice area, but at 66 with Emphysema I'm finding it increasingly difficult to look after. My dtr, her husband and 2 children live just up the road and the house would be ideal for them spacewise, but I don't want to live with them either. Theirs is a busy, noisy household and I don't think it would suit either of us. When LO eventually passes I don't think I can afford to run it either just on State Pension so my options are limited.

I have been widowed for nearly 10 years and stayed in the same house. I am also a retired Occupational Therapist and much of my time was spent working with older people both single and who had lost a partner. I would counsel you to think a bit about downsizing if you can afford to stay where you are and if you don't live in a massive house that has become an upkeep problem. Many many of the people I met who had downsized were finding practical problems in terms of furniture size, space to move around, especially once they need a walking aid or bath or toilet aids. Its a very personal decision.... can I suggest that you think about practicalities, what you love about where you live now, both house and location, and what changes you would make. my personal experience is that like the weather, you might be at risk of taking your lonely with you.

Sorry to hear of your loss. Its early days, you may want to engage the services of a declutterer who specialized in moving house. It would be lovely for you to have someone to talk to who was helping you express you hopes for the kind of life you hope to lead and so helping you to identify the things that are important to you and you wish to take with you.
This website will help you find a qualified person near you.
www.apdo.co.uk/

all the very best for your future.

It's still early days. I wouldn't make a decision for at least a year, if finances are not pressing. You might find you'd rather stay where you are. Thin down your possessions. It's very liberating. Maybe even look into having a doctoral student, trainee doctor or actors from a local theatre, as a part time/temporary lodger if you feel it's too big a space for you. If, on the other hand, you feel you want to be free after a year then the world is your oyster!