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Hi. I’m back!!!

(17 Posts)
Browneyes87 Thu 03-Jun-21 20:40:17

Hi there!
I posted a thread about my husband being a taxi driver to his son. I tried to reply but the website wouldn’t let me. Even though I logged in it said that I didn’t so I decided to make a whole new thread.

I know I didn’t pointed out some things in the previous thread. Basically my husband sold his car because he wants to get a bigger one for his side business, so he’s saving and yes I am sharing my car with him. I didn’t clarify that. I said “My car” because originally it’s mine while he will have his own but at the moment I don’t mind sharing it with him. I also pay for the expenses of the car and I don’t mind giving his son rides here and there but that doesn’t mean that he will feel entitled to get rides all the time for free. He already lives with us for free because my husband doesn’t want to charge him rent. He’s had time to find a job or save money to move out but he hasn’t done anything but live comfortably with us. But the main thing here is the fact that he’s not self sufficient. Why does my husband need to drive him when he’s all day at home and not working or doing something productive. It seems too comfortable to me. And going to his girlfriend’s doesn’t seem like a necessity.

My husband works and he comes home to his son that has been doing nothing all day and drives him when he wants to relax. He has even admitted himself not wanting to drive him. He’ll say: “Oh, I don’t feel like driving my son”. Then why does he do it? His son is an adult and he should figure it out. He’s not a little boy that needs his dad to take him everywhere. I just feel like my husband has treated him like a child all his life. Think about it. He doesn’t work, plays video games, thinks that everything in life is free.

I just want my husband to stop babying him and make him do things on his own. Or else, he’ll be with us when he’s 30 or 40. I wanted to see how parents normally treat their adult children.

Hithere Thu 03-Jun-21 20:47:55

The issue is your dh, not his son
He needs to cut the umbilical cord.

The going to his gf is not a necessity - it made me chuckle. How is he going to get laid then?

Everything your son does is not a necessity, is a want.

Hithere Thu 03-Jun-21 20:50:38

Sorry, his son

NotSpaghetti Thu 03-Jun-21 21:31:51

I think you need to have a proper talk with your husband and together work out a plan.
When our son came home to live for a few months at about the same age he cooked pretty regularly- at least 3 or 4 times a week and contributed to the shopping. My friend’s son took over the kitchen and bathroom cleaning (both jobs she hated) and he did amazing work of it! Maybe you can think of some different ways you’d like him to contribute to the home and ask him to choose a couple?
At least you won’t feel so fed up with him!
And it will likely make him realise that homes don’t just “run” on their own.
Good luck!

BlueBelle Thu 03-Jun-21 21:33:31

His son, his choice
Most adult children want to be self sufficient and can’t wait to get away but some find it cosy to have everything done for them and your step son is obviously in that category and only your husband can sever that link of him being the doer and the son the taker
Nothing really you can do if you husband isn’t ready to let go

lemongrove Thu 03-Jun-21 21:33:32

Show him where the bus stop is.

Bobbysgirl19 Thu 03-Jun-21 23:09:54

I wonder if brown eyes will return. We seem to get a lot of one off posts on here. It would be nice if the OPs stuck around for feedback.

Bobbysgirl19 Thu 03-Jun-21 23:17:45

Apologies! See a new thread has been started!

Esspee Fri 04-Jun-21 07:15:00

The OP got lots of responses on her previous thread. Surely it is more appropriate that she replies to these rather than reiterate the original post.

sodapop Fri 04-Jun-21 08:43:03

The OP had a problem getting back on to the original thread Esspee

Carenza123 Fri 04-Jun-21 09:20:20

I’m afraid he needs tough love. We all like to support our family but his son needs a wakeup call. Stop doing jobs for him - does he do his own laundry, clean his room, make you all a cup of tea, cook a meal for you and your husband? He needs to realise that you have to earn money to live and this situation is not fair on anyone.

Grammaretto Fri 04-Jun-21 10:09:38

What puzzles me is why you haven't had all this out a long time ago with your husband.

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 04-Jun-21 15:52:41

Your husband needs to be tied down, so he can’t take his son anywhere. Then some serious talking needs to take place. How old is his son? Sorry..didn’t see the other thread.

MagicWand Fri 04-Jun-21 17:54:47

He already lives with us for free because my husband doesn’t want to charge him rent.

When any of our AC returned for any length of time we asked them for a contribution towards their living expenses for as long as they were bringing in a wage. Had they been on benefits we would probably have asked for a percentage.

We were lucky and in the position of not actually needing their money, so saved it for them. We were then able to tell them they had a lump sum to come when they started planning to move on. It certainly helped with a deposit on a rental property for one of them.

Some of the reasons why this was good for our family are below:
- it meant the AC did not feel they had returned to the home to be babied, it showed we regarded them as adults able to contribute
- it showed our younger teens that their older siblings were not being allowed to freeload
- it meant that no matter how they spent the rest of their wage, we knew they were saving some of it, so reducing any potential parental frustration (!)
- the AC realised that living expenses had to be paid for
- they grew to appreciate the value of saving when the lump sum was handed over at the end of their stay

I can't really understand families where parents don't want to charge their AC rent. If you can afford to pay for their living expenses, it's giving them a false view of the world - save it for them. And if you can't afford it they need to realise that they should help by contributing.

Sorry Browneyes, I realise this is not answering your original post about lifts, but has gone off on a tangent. But perhaps by both of you agreeing (having had the chat with his dad) to ask him for a proportion of his benefit payment it would reduce both your growing frustration and his ensconced comfort although it may leave him with less money for bus fares. You could always buy him a bike for his next birthday/Christmas present!

Browneyes87 Fri 04-Jun-21 20:20:10

Believe me, I’ve already tried talking to my DH. I think sometimes he lies to me to make excuses for his son.
He’s been unemployed since May of 2019 when he graduated from college. First, my boyfriend said he decided to take some time off before starting to work. So from May of 2019 until March of 2020 he was not working. This was all before covid!!! Then when covid started, obviously he couldn’t work and he’s been receiving unemployment benefits ever since. But just because there’s a pandemic doesn’t mean that the world suddenly has stopped. People are working from home and he’s not looking and doesn’t care to work.
My DH makes excuses for him and tells me he has a job lined up. But he has been saying the same thing for months and nothing ever changes.
His son studied a career in computers so he can work from home. There’s no excuse. If not, I’m sure he can do other things. Everything is starting to re open and I don’t even think it’s good for him to have a huge gap on his resume.

JaneJudge Fri 04-Jun-21 20:25:38

Didn't you say he was 25? I had 3 children when I was that age, I'm pretty sure I was paying my bills and driving myself as well

is something else going on

welbeck Fri 04-Jun-21 20:37:36

so basically you have got a husband problem not step-son.
does he pay a percentage of his benefit for his keep, if not, why not.
do you want to go on living like this for ever.
if your husband is not willing to change things, you cannot.