Being told what to do

Can’t you just agree with him and then ignore it and continue doing your own thing? If he says you are eating strawberries the wrong way (fgs) say ‘yes I know’ and just continue eating the way you always do. Btw I find chopping the tops off strawberries strange as there is wastage. First saw this by friend of dd at dd’s hen party but kept my mouth shut!

Do the grocery order and ask if there is anything he would like you to add, and make sure you do the adding and then you are in control.

When cooking just smile and hand the pan over and ask him very sweetly to show you how to cook it. Then b*** off and leave him to it!

Don’t get mad. If he says eating again say “yes, I’m eating for two” . Perhaps I should say ‘try not to get mad’!

We have been together 10 years living together 5 years. Sometimes when he starts I get a cold tingling sensation going through me which is not nice. I think he is OCD bordering on the aspberger syndrome. We are both in our late seventies

Perhaps he feel's control is slipping away from him and this is a way of feeling on top of things? He feels good when he's getting a response from you and you've allowed him to take this bossy attitude without realising. Very easily done.
But, be kind, can you find a few things that he can really control? I don't know you so can't suggest anything - maybe ask what he thinks about holidays, politics, fish and chips, dogs, the garden?? He's involved himself in your world because he's nothing better to think about.
My DH took a trip to Aldi for dog food once, then started lecturing me on how much I could save by shopping there (I do sometimes) so I asked him to pick up a few groceries next time. It took a while, but he made so many mistakes (sour cream instead of fresh, near sell-by date for bananas which went 'off') he gave it up and stopped criticising my shopping methods.
He feels he needs to be in charge, but not in your department, so find one for him perhaps?

I try and laugh at him but he tends to go silent

Laugh at him more often, it will give you some peace at least. When he questions your decisions point out it’s the 21st century and women are allowed to vote. If he says ‘Eating again?’ ignore him.

I wonder how long you have been together. If it’s a fairly new relationship the excitement may have masked his irritating habits. He sounds like a control freak and if you do everything together no wonder you are feeling stifled. Is the relationship really worth it?

That's a good idea, peasblossom.

Thinking about it he might not realise how bad he is. Every time he does it, write it on a post-it and stick it on the wall.
Preferably somewhere he can’t avoid it, like over his computer.

You can tell I’ve had to deal with this. ?

Can you ask him to go out whilst you have some female friends over?

Jane judge, my Partner is very fit and active, wants to do everything, he keeps telling me he is a team player. We are together all the time as we are both retired. Unfortunately I developed encephalitis 2 years ago so unable to drive and dodgy knees makes walking painful. ( he has looked after me very well). I try and laugh at him but he tends to go silent. I don’t feel I am being abused but stifled.

Oh dear if you care about him do what I always do.

Wait until you are both in a good place and both feeling together then gently mention that sometimes you feel undermined when he tells you what to do. Don't say it in a critical way but open up a conversation about it. He probably doesn't realise he is doing it.

I used to get very stressed going on holiday and got quite bad tempered. My DH told me it was ruining all their holidays so I stopped doing it. I wasn't aware.

It sounds as though he is anxious ( controlling things in his orbit is his way of doing that.) I would let somethings go and only challenge things that really bother you.

Can you get the message across using humour? If your husband is retired from a managerial role (I'm making assumptions here, I know!) it might be that he is used to being in charge and it has become second nature.

When we first both retired, we were both used to being in charge at work, and it took a while to get used to it. I think my husband was worse than me, although he may well have a different point of view ?. I used to laugh when he started supervising me, and tell him not to worry, I would put it on the time sheet, or that HR had told me that whatever I was doing was in my role descriptor. He got the message quite quickly.

I have just realised you aren't his carer, so apologies for my previous post!

If he is not happy with how you do things food prep etc tell him to do it for himself. Has he recently retired does he always spend time around your ankles in the kitchen? He sounds like a nagging old hag to me. I would verbally put him in his place then take myself out for a bit of space. You are not chained to him get out the shackles and do you own thing.

Stop ordering the groceries and cooking! Hand it over to him. Then it can be done the way he likes.

Just go “Mmmm?”, smile and carry on eating your strawberries the way you like.

Or move out ?

Are there any carers groups near you? it does differ by area but we have a very active group that run a variety of 'things' (art, yoga, counselling, cafes etc) It might help if you have contact with people in similar situations. It isn't an unusual scenario, it is about lack of control and the shifting of roles within a relationship.

Also do you get a break from him at all? Could you see if there are any schemes where someone can come and sit with him - like crossroads- whilst you get out of the house and do something for yourself? (I'm assuming here you cannot leave him alone, if you can start going out for an hour a day to do something for you)

When asks to check the grocery list can you say you have it under control? If he tells you how to cook something, can you tell him you have it under control? I'd just give neutral responses to tell him you are capable. If he says 'eating again' I'd just say, neutrally, 'Sure am'. He tells you how to cut your strawberries, "I know how I like them." He wants you to do it like his late wife, "this is how I like to do it."

That sounds exhausting, suffocating and undermining. I wouldn't accept it.

Good grief! If my late DH had started that nonsense (he wouldn’t) I’d have had something to say!
I think I’d start doing the same back to him and treat it as a joke. He might get the message. If not, just spell it out.

He is very controlling and is unlikely to change. I thought my ex was controlling but your partner sounds worse. Sorry to be pessimistic but I think this behaviour will wear you down in the end..... if it isn't already.

I think you’ve had a ‘peaceful time’ for too long and now he’s treating you as a child or a doormat.
Answer back and let him get into a huff until he realises that he has to change, not you.

Unfortunately you can’t live up to a perfect late wife, so you need to put your foot down (with a firm hand, as we used to say) and tell him to button it.