Retirement Dilemma

Apologies, did not mean to post twice!

Cannot understand moving close to one child at the expense of being so much further away from the other. Obviously 2 homes would be ideal but not many people can afford that luxury. What if the child you move closer to then has to move away for work, other family commitments etc? Things can change very quickly. I would decide to move to wherever you and DH feel happy living. After living abroad for many years and then returning to live in the UK I found it quite difficult and not as I remembered it despite frequent holidays here.

Cannot understand moving close to one child at the expense of being so much further away from the other. Obviously 2 homes would be ideal but not many people can afford that luxury. What if the child you move closer to then has to move away for work, other family commitments etc? Things can change very quickly. I would decide to move to wherever you and DH feel happy living. After living abroad for many years and then returning to live in the UK I found it quite difficult and not as I remembered it despite frequent holidays here.

Cannot understand moving close to one child at the expense of being so much further away from the other. Obviously 2 homes would be ideal but not many people can afford that luxury. What if the child you move closer to then has to move away for work, other family commitments etc? Things can change very quickly. I would decide to move to wherever you and DH feel happy living. After living abroad for many years and then returning to live in the UK I found it quite difficult and not as I remembered it despite frequent holidays here.

Readymeals, your third paragraph is spot on.

Do what's best for you as a couple not for your children

I’d absolutely go with your heart.

I agree with the comments of Mumofmadboys, Riverwalk and Tanith. My husband and I slid into retirement over time, due to his serious health problems and my own several major surgeries. I just know how important it is to be realistic about ageing and the possible problems it brings. Example is you may not eventually be fit enough to hop on and off planes so easily. I would say to opt for being permanently close to at least one family and stay connected via modern media with the others. I am now a Widow, with no family except cousins (though the admins kindly let me join this forum which I so enjoy - thank you.) (Nice sensible people here!). Sometimes you can plan too much but you never know what life is going to throw at you. I recognise your dilemma and sympathise with your sleepless nights(!) but then I guess you are very lucky to have so many choices. I wish you all the best in making the right decision for both of you and a long and happy retirement.

My parents were in the same quandary when they retired. My father worked for the British govt and was posted to several African and South Pacific countries over a period of 30 years. My sister and I were at boarding school here and both decided to settle here when we’re were adults, not follow our parents. They retired back here when my father was 60 because they wanted to be closer to us, they had a beautiful house in the South Downs and were equidistant between me and my sister and our families, a couple of hours in each direction.
The conclusion to this is that they were unbelievably unhappy, the weather depressed them terribly..they had been used to a wonderful climate all year round and a great expat lifestyle and here they were in gloomy damp dark England. They saw us regularly but obviously didn’t live in our pockets and were lonely a lot of the time, it’s hard to make new friendships here, things overseas are so different and they had little in common with their new neighbours. It was a sad end to what, up to coming home, had been a great life.

Did I miss where you said you are right now? With Brexit the factor of your current nationality might affect your rights if you settled in Spain. If you have citizenship of an EU country that should be ok. Otherwise I'd stay where you are (where you presumably have settled status) or return to the UK. Also as disputes emerge between UK and EU, I can see brits becoming less popular overseas.

You say your DS might find it a hassle to make the longer journey to the UK? While you're still relatively active, you could fly to them sometimes so the burden doesn't fall on them all the time.

Now as to hands on grandparents, that's lovely while they are small, but from first hand as well as experiences of other friends once the grandchildren start school that bond reduces, and once they are young adults it's not untypical that they only visit out of a sense of duty, and not all that often. So please don't let being near the grandkids outweigh any of the other pros and cons.

A large factor is where will you be able to cope best once you start to become "old". Maybe your daughter will the better person to keep an eye on you both, maybe the son. Think about that, too, as well as healthcare costs.

I wouldn’t be having sleepless nights in your position. Obviously money is not a concern going into retirement.

I will never be able to retire and when I become too old or infirm to work I will have to fall on the mercy of the council to house me and pay me a pension or a benefit of some sort.

Trust me, you have idea what a sleepless night is until that hangs over you.

Never been in this situation, but one idea - have a Zoom call with both families at the same time, you could gauge how they feel about it and they would know you are considering both.

Good Luck

Have you considered that you might not be able to relocate in another European country? Since Brexit rules have changed and restrictions have been imposed. If you are seriously thinking of retiring to Spain for instance, check carefully on the new rules.

If you move back to the uk then your son would probably not be very happy and with the weather not being anywhere near as good as where you are you would probably miss that very quickly and no point in you being miserable, if you move somewhere like Spain, it’s a short, relatively cheap flight from uk so daughter and any family could easily visit quite often and you could also visit the uk, and you are assuming they will have children, it might be 10 years before that happens and hands on might mean babysitting 5 days a week , which is not retiring

Your measured and considered post shows how you understandably want to make the right decision and there is much sage advice on here.
My own thought is that you should do what is best for you. Family situations are in a constant state of flux, so what might be a fair solution now could be very different in a few years time. As difficult as it is, put yourselves first.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope that you both have a long, happy and healthy retirement.

I have returned to live in Surrey after nine years of retirement in France.
My home here, to my amazement, has turned out to be a godsend to me, as a single divorced woman.
It is a one bedroom flat in a very well built retirement block, and the tiny kitchen has a window and is big enough for a washing-machine too.
Because there is an age limit on retirement properties, it cost £95000, and meant that after selling up in France I could afford to live in this lovely area, surrounded by woods and waterways.
I am minutes from the High Street and also from the local park.
In addition, my first floor flat is also the nearest I have ever lived to a train station, all of five minutes walk.
Yet we are tucked away in a peaceful cul de sac and surrounded by a large garden, and so no more gardening needed, my service charge of £197 a month covers that.
I love living here, only five miles from family, and the cultural aspects of London that so attract me are easily within reach.
When still in France, I never suspected that I could afford to move here.
I love my new life and am enjoying every moment. I found it very easy to adapt to life in the UK again, and joined a church so that I could be part of a community, as I am a life long Christian.
I hope that you can stop having sleepless nights about your future, don't let worrying about it affect the joy of living fully each day in the present now, and may your retirement be a very happy one.
Always go with your heart.

We moved back to the UK from being overseas for 18 years and it took me a few years to settle. It felt like moving to a foreign country as things had changed so much.
It is a good idea to move back for a while into your house in the Uk.
Having said that we left a house in London and let it while we were away. It shrank in the time we were away and seemed much smaller when we went back.

My DH and myself moved to Spain permanently 15 years ago. Sold up our UK property and purchased a fabulous golf resort property. 6 years ago with one grandchild, another on the way and soaring temperatures we decided to move back to the UK. We lost all of our equity in the property and are unable to purchase here due to fast rising prices and our age but……we have not regretted one minute of our amazing 10 years in Spain. Plus living close to our DD we see our grandchildren regularly. When I asked my 12 year old GS if he would visit if we still lived in Spain he said no…..the summers are far too hot and he prefers camping.
My answer to you would be do what you want to do for you no one else…regret is a big burden to carry.

Re state pensions

“ If you retire in Spain, you can claim: your UK State Pension or new UK State Pension. your Spanish and UK State Pension from the Instituto Nacional de la Seguridad Social if you were living in Spain before 1 January 2021.”

i hope as part of any discussion you have considered healthcare. Our neighbours have a holiday home in Spain and he often discusses the fact that healthcare is expensive in Spain whilst we have the NHS here in the UK. I think you need to consider finding out the health insurance costs of wherever you decide to live . I presume you can stand the heat -eg over 40 degrees in Cyprus at present?

We lived overseas for 20 years but bought a house we eventually returned to 20 years ago. Our children were younger then (one of the reasons for returning) and we worried that they wouldn't settle but they did and have never wanted to do much travelling themselves.

You need to consider where you want to be, if your adult children can visit if you decide on overseas all well and good but they won't be there all the time. I find a few days at a time with my elderly Mum is enough so your dream of long summer hols with DS, DiL and grandchildren might turn into a chore and the grandchildren will eventually grow up and not want to spend all summer with Granny and Grandad.

Listen to your head!

I’d certainly plump for the big house and pool in Spain, you can get to the UK easily and everyone will be able t come and stay and enjoy time in the sunshine with you x

Something to consider…… the government are planning to stop paying brits pensions if they live abroad. It’s something that’s in the pipeline. Would this affect you in any way which might sway your decision.

Sparkling, I know what your dad meant! And I totally agree with what you said about doing what's best for us ... I just wish I knew what that was!

Hithere, we wouldn't consider settling close to DS as we know that he's likely to move around with his job, but our DD and her partner are totally settled where they are, close to his family and all their friends, and close to where we have a house in the UK. I'm certain they will never move from the area, but if they did, we wouldn't dream of following them, as it's not difficult to get around the UK. But I do totally agree with you in that we shouldn't really make decisions based on their lives.

We keep ourselves informed regarding the Spanish immigration procedures/residency/buying property/etc.

I do speak a little Spanish, and hopefully, with more practise, I'll know a lot more if/when we actually make the move. DH doesn't, but he's good at languages, and he's a fast learner. We have been to Spain many, many times, to various parts, and we love the culture. So we already have an idea as to areas we would be interested in.

Renting vs buying could be an option, but the renting would eat into our budget for buying, if we decide to go ahead with that, so not really something we would particularly want to do.

Your last comment, "I have several friends that went back to home country after decades abroad and they found a very different country than the one they remember - the one they wanted to find", is what worries me, and this is DHs biggest concern!

I will ponder on everyone's comments, and hopefully we will eventually make the right decision ... for us!

If you settle close to one of your kids, what if they move? What would you do then?

Spain: immigration concerns + buying property in a foreign country complicates things
Do you speak Spanish?
Have you been to Spain and the area you are thinking of relocating?

Why not renting vs buying to start with?

One thing is being in the area as a tourist vs resident.

This applies to Spain or any location to you pick

There is no right or wrong decision - I would be careful of making decisions based on other people's lives as you have no control over their changes.

I have several friends that went back to home country after decades abroad and they found a very different country than the one they remember - the one they wanted to find.