How to find someone

CafeAuLait
That must have been very hurtful.
I’m sure your husband must have felt very angry.
This is why people should not interfere.

Sara1954

Well I have now.
By way of explanation, I’m estranged from my mother. If any of her friends made any attempt to contact me, even through a third party, I would be very, very angry indeed.
There us usually a reason why these things happen Avaline

This happened to us. We received a letter where clearly only one side of the story had been heard and my husband was urged to make amends with his family for something he hadn't done. It didn't help at all.

If your friend wants to trace her daughter, but you really must ask her about this before you do anything else, then the Salvation Army is usually best at finding people.

Your friend could of course try Facebook or other social media.

Whatever the cause of the estrangement, obviously your friend thinks about her daughter, so do mothers who gave children up for adoption.

I assume you and she both realise that her daughter may not be willing to have contact with her mother, but just knowing where she is might comfort her mother.

You can sometimes be lucky googling a name, obviously if this woman shares a name with millons of others, you may not get far doing so, but you could try restricting the search to , the following is an example, Jean Stewart Renfrewshire Scotland or whatever address the mother last has for her daughter.

If you (or your friend) wanted to, you could look on LinkedIn. You said the daughter has a professional qualification, so she may well be on there. You can do a general search without making a profile.

www.linkedin.com/pub/dir/+/+?trk=homepage-basic_intent-module-people

Well I have now.
By way of explanation, I’m estranged from my mother. If any of her friends made any attempt to contact me, even through a third party, I would be very, very angry indeed.
There us usually a reason why these things happen Avaline

Sara1954 have you not actually read all my posts? If you had you would know what I plan.

I have, sorry if I sound rude, but I really feel this is something you shouldn’t meddle in.
I can see you only mean well, and it’s not my intention to offend you, nevertheless I think you should stand back.

Sara1954. Just read the thread.

Geekesse is right, no good can come from your interference, you don’t know all the facts, so best keep out of it.

Have you read the whole thread Gingster? Did you notice that T has moved and may not be easy to find either?
I've already outlined my plan and thank posters who have offered useful info for me to pass on to T if the situation arises. Thanks also for helpful PMs.

I agree with above posters. If the daughter wanted contact she would get in touch. Leave well alone.

Well that’s you told Sodapop ???100 lines for not paying attendance

Consider myself reprimanded Madgran

Has anyone thought about the daughter's feelings in all this. Maybe she doesn't want to be a carer for her mother and brother. Not everyone is cut out for this type of responsibility.

If you read the thread you woukd see that many people have thought of that including the OP!

I certainly have thought about the daughter's feelings. When I met her she seemed a nice enough young woman but it was only a short meeting at her mother's old house.
When we discussed, it T was saying that her daughter might not know how to get back in touch now. Personally, I suspect that as she'll be in her late 30s now she could be very taken up with her own family or career or even abroad. Her mother might be the last thing on her mind. I don't know.
As I said previously, if the subject comes up again I'll tell T about that website and leave it with her.

Yes, that is why I and others suggested using an intermediary organisation, so that if no contact is wanted this can eb made clear and the subject closed.

Has anyone thought about the daughter's feelings in all this. Maybe she doesn't want to be a carer for her mother and brother. Not everyone is cut out for this type of responsibility.

Aveline I fully understand where you are coming from. Your friend would like to see her daughter again, and doesn't know how to,

None of us can know what happened. I have a friend in a similar postion. What you can do is draw on the information on this thread to suggest who she can contact for assistance in her search and how to contact them and then leave it with her.

The advantages of this approach, is that if the daughter is located, she will be contacted by this organisation and can tell them whether she wants to be in contact with her family again or not, and, if she doesn't, then your friend will have closure on the subject, even if the closure is not the one she wants.

I absolutely agree with you allsorts.

It was the OP who said they hadn’t been in contact for years but “Now T really needs some help as she’s older now and with mobility issues”

So the implication was that this was the reason for getting back in touch. That the daughter should be made aware of her mother and brother’s increasing needs.

My aunt is 84 and so is her friend, both widows living alone. For the past 15 years my aunt has been the 'go between' for her friend and her estranged daughter.

Two years ago her friend started showing signs of confusion and my aunt begged the daughter to come over to help her. The daughter only came over this March - too late - her mother doesn't know who she is, she describes her to my aunt as 'that woman'. In the absence of the daughter's interest the forty something grandson has tried to help, and persuaded his grandmother to put her house on the market, and it has sold.

Today the aunt's friend is finally being assessed by the Memory Clinic, and the daughter and grandson are in attendance. My aunt was supposed to go but withdrew, she felt it would be too much for her friend to have so many people.

This situation is tragic, and has been a huge strain on my aunt. She gets phone calls at all times of the day and night from her friend - sometimes she says she can smell burning - my aunt is frightened for her safety.

If your friend wants to find her daughter, she could try the Sally Army or similar, personally I would be hesitant to get involved following my aunt's experience.

Sorry you haven't read the thread fully or understood the tone.

Mind your own business. It is not your business, your friend may well be a dear friend to you but you have no knowledge of how things were with her family. She may not have been so dear. Enjoy your friendship but keep out of her business.

Allsorts thanks.

JaneJudge I do know all about that aspect as does T. That's not the problem.

If her son has learning disabilities and she is his main carer and is struggling to cope I think the most useful thing you can do is encourage her to contact social services so they can help her navigate either alternative living accommodation for him or further support to enable him to stay at home. The number should come under adult services on your local authority/council website. A duty social worker will answer the phone and she'll be able to give them details