No Contact by DIL's?

nannypiano

I was married at 17 in the sixties and had two baby boys at 20. When my wimp of a husband decided it wasn't the life for him, he upped and left, leaving me to cope with my boys, the oldest 2 years old and a mortgage that wasn't in my name because I wasn't old enough to be added. My in-laws didn't once pick up the phone to see if I was coping and I felt because of that I didn't want anymore to do with them. They were my sons only G/P and I realised it would be a great loss to them all not knowing them. So although being 50 miles away, I took the boys to see them regularly. I'm so glad I did, it made all their lives richer. Even though my sons are almost 60, they still mention their G/Ps and the happy memories they had with them.

I never had problems of this kind with either of my late MILs or my own DM and my 2 'almost' DILs are delightful and we enjoy time together. Only the older DS has children at the moment and I'd never try to interfere only hopefully supportive, have them for sleepovers now and then to give their parents some time together - and because I love them of course.
DD lives abroad so I have less contact with her boys now sadly but I think the world of them and my SiL too. Both DD and DS have good relationship with their 'MILs too , as do I.

One of the worst things for me during recent times is that I've not seen DD and family for nearly 2 years, but (fingers crossed) we will be travelling to see them in a week or so. Just long to have them all gathered together in the same place but think that will take some time yet, bloody pandemic!

I too have issues but only with one of them The other two are lovely, they visit and text me etc. When we see each other we hug and kiss and have non stop chatter. So i know its not me. I have just stepped back as my life and time is too precious to be wasting on people who obviously dont give a fig about me. Sad thing is she has most of my GC and i now find as they are getting older i have faded into the background of their lives. No calls or texts, no thanks for gifts, no birthday cards from them, i know nothing about what is going on in their lives only what i can glean from my son on the rare occasions i see him or he rings. MY GS is at uni and i was pinging money over every month and i never got a reply to say he had received it or a thanks.......wasnt expecting one every month but now and then would have been nice.....since DH has died and finances are different i have stopped it. If i had had a response or a text at that awful time i would have continued and found a way to send it. Sometimes stepping back is all you can do.

Think it can go both ways. I know some dreadful DILs (& SONS - DILs may carry the blame for some dreadful sons or may have more expected of them) but also some dreadful grandparents.

Ydoc

Crazyh, i sympathise, its my sil for me. Me and my daughter were extremely closes, something he was jealous of. Fast forward to them spending a lot of time together re covid. Now my daughter is extremely jealous of my love for gc. Sil has now got his way, he is a control freak to the point whete he will make himself ill trying to be in charge of everything. I see my one and only gc by appointment only. Any request i make is turned down. I have not done anything wrong only it seems the heinous crime of loving my gc. I would have never ever behaved like this to my mum. We forgive and forgave anything anyway as we wete family not today they dont.

What do you mean by you only see your GC by appointment? If you mean you have to prearrange a time and day to visit, isn't that normal? Drop ins don't work for everyone if that's what you are meaning.

Shandy57

I remember talking to my hostile southerner hating MIL on the phone and in a moment of madness confided in her that I'd had to sell my grandmother's emerald ring to pay for the nursery that month. In 1998 we had to find £900 per month for the nursery and childminder fees, until my son went to reception at school. She said 'well your problems are your problems, got to go, someone is at the door'.

She lived 250 miles away so we continued to visit when we could, but I never confided in her or phoned her again. When she rang I would immediately get my husband without chatting. She just couldn't be the person I needed her to be.

@Shandy57 My mum was never aknowledged by her mil.

My dad left the NorthEast to marry my mum on the South Coast and my mum was never forgiven for that.

@Grannygranby, I am very lucky having 3 married daughters, but it must be horrid for some mil

So sad to read of this. I'm fortunate enough to have the best d-i-l. She's a far better mother than I ever was. My own mother in law? Now that's a different matter. Began with criticising me for breast feeding and on it went. Let it go over my head. She was nice to the grandchildren, even though she said they looked nothing like her family.

Families are wonderful, in every one you will find those who get on well and others who don't get on at all. I only have one DIL and am quite resigned to the fact that I rarely see her as naturally she is closer to her own mother. After all I came as part of the package when she married my son and we make the best of things. I don't expect her to treat me or feel the same about me as she does about her own family and her parents but I support them when necessary and if she asks my advice I will give my opinion. after all the person she is devoted to is my son, not me, that is how it should be.

Yes I have a nc dil. After appalling behaviour at 2 family events where she had to be "removed" by a very apologetic son she refused to feel any responsibility for her actions. She is a narcissist and has slowly got rid of sons family and friends and he still stays. I rarely see my gc despite them only living 10 minutes away and then only if my son is "allowed" to bring them (the youngest I have seen less than 5 times and is over a year old!). She refuses to try and find some way to make things better and I am now at point where I don't let it bother me otherwise the rest of my life will be taken up with bitterness which I do not want. I am somewhat disappointed in my son that he doesn't make more effort but suppose he has to live with her and he is loyal. Sadly though he is not the boy/man that the family knew and loved and but we have to accept it until maybe he decides he is losing too much. Prior to the marriage everything was great but after things changed.

It’s all very spiteful.

Huguenot, your post sounded as though i had written it though about a daughter not a son. My daughter is not the daughter i recognise anymore. He now has total control and she cannot see it thinks she is a woman's libber. I too put up with so much which makes me ill trying to keep it all inside. I say nothing because i dearly, dearly love my gc. The parents are so full of self righteousness, apparently they know everything.

Crazyh, i sympathise, its my sil for me. Me and my daughter were extremely closes, something he was jealous of. Fast forward to them spending a lot of time together re covid. Now my daughter is extremely jealous of my love for gc. Sil has now got his way, he is a control freak to the point whete he will make himself ill trying to be in charge of everything. I see my one and only gc by appointment only. Any request i make is turned down. I have not done anything wrong only it seems the heinous crime of loving my gc. I would have never ever behaved like this to my mum. We forgive and forgave anything anyway as we wete family not today they dont.

Wow! It's akin to Coercive Control that is now recognised as Domestic Violence legally.

I have 3 sons and 'A son is for life until he takes a wife' is certainly true. I have 1 son living with me whom I did not see for 8 year and never met his children until recently until she decided to leave him and take the child, we were not wanted as a part of her life.
My youngest son we had a very strong relationship with and got on with his girlfriend until she became pregnant and sent me an email to say she wanted nothing to do with us and did not want to hear from us again. My husband died during this time and, although my son came to the funeral, he has never contacted me since and they did not tell me when their son was born and not even a photo. Some DIL are truly evil, they were only interested in us for money and now they have their house which we paid the deposit for, we are not needed anymore so I am left on my own.

Rosina what a lovely person you are! Your comments made me smile so much.?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CafeAuLait

GagaJo

I agree MaggsMcG. My MIL wanted to be the family matriarch and managed it with her own children. But understandably, we DIL's weren't interested. Two of us in particular resisted. She actively tried to turn our husbands against us.

Memorably, she said to her son, 'You don't need to share everything with your wife.' when he'd mentioned something she said to him to his wife.

This is my story too. Sorry MIL, I am matriarch of my own household and these are not your children to take over.

This is my story too. Only when my lovely FIL died did we get control of our lives. I was bared from a very important ceremony my DH was attending just days before we married.
I remember saying never mind I will be Mrs....... in a few days time. When she remarried and my name was called at another ceremony she pushed me out of the way and I told her she was Mrs... now and I was Mrs......
It all seems so petty looking back we could have all had a lovely time together spoiled by comments and actions of a female Putin.
I agree these young women stand up for themselves these days sometimes they are right sometimes wrong but they certainly know how to assert themselves more than we did. Their DH seemed to be more attuned to their new family rather than listening to their mother. I was banned for weeks because I accidentally turned nappies pink and I was not allowed to put them on her line.

Totally correct.

Good morning. I should like to add a note for balance here. I've had 2 marriages, and thus 2 mothers-in-law, both of whom were lovely. Sadly, the same cannot be said for our son's wife to whom of course I am the mother-in-law. Our son is no longer the person we knew and we endure (for the sake of the grandchildren) endless lectures, accusations, and spite.

Balance is important.

CafeAuLait

I think there are some parts of the internet where going no contact (not just with MILs) is jumped at very readily. It can be easy to get a slanted picture if we spend too much time in such a place, in terms of how common it is.

Truth is, some MILs are awful and I don't think this generation feels the same need to let themselves be treated badly for the sake of family relationships. Good on them, I say. Earlier ones might have put up with more. Of course MILs aren't necessarily the problem but some are.

I think that the truth is that some people are awful and then their children marry and they get other opportunities to be awful to more people.

I can see this from the perspective of having been a DIL. My MIL is long gone now, but she was a nasty, selfish, scheming, and extremely demanding woman from the moment I first knew her in 1973. She was very clever with it, and most of what I endured was never evident to others. I put up with so much to keep the peace, and bent over backwards to be nice to her. I think towards the end of her life in 1993 she truly felt a lot of guilt for how she had been with me.

I have tried to be the best I can as a MiL; my own bitter experience at the hands of a control freak who was determined to have her own way and dominate the family, at whatever the cost, was enough to make me feel that whoever my children chose, I would love them. I was determined. I also had an example of exactly what not to do! It hasn't always been plain sailing, as we're all human with our human hang ups, but I learned to say nothing, forgive everything, and try to remember what it was like being a young wife and then mother.

it's often a strained dynamic for a variety of reasons, ive done everything within my experience to treat my DIL well,doesn't work. For me i have withdrawn and try to love at a distance.
It is a very sad situation all round.Wish there was a magic wand.

Sometimes, it's in the eye of the beholder. I always thought my MIL at best disliked me. I always did my best not to let that affect her relationship with her son, and treated her as I would my own mother. She has since become ill with dementia, but things she has said in her more lucid moments have revealed that she respects and is even a little in awe of me, apparently. I'm so glad I discovered this before it's entirely too late