No Contact by DIL's?

I loved my mil by my first husband more than my mum. In fact when I left him I went with the children to stay with her for 7 weeks, she was wonderful. After we were divorced we still kept in touch and my 2nd husband and myself were always included in any family events, which were many, even with my ex husband present. She was like a mum to me. My own mother, she was controlling or tried to be, would find fault with anything not done her way and in the end I just had no time for her and I always swore I would never ever be like her.

Many DiL's have a terrible time with the MiL's and vice versa. In my case my MiL was very, very jealous! Having read some of the threads here and elsewhere, it would seem that those MiL's who get on with DiL's have a good healthy relationship with them AND their son. And by healthy I mean that she not jealous that he has chosen another woman to marry, yes, he does have sex with his new wife (I say this because my MiL put us in separate beds after we had been married 3 months!) he is now grown up and is not a little boy any longer, he can make decisions for himself because he is now an adult (he chose DiL as a wife!) and she will be the mother of your grandchildren.

I remember talking to my hostile southerner hating MIL on the phone and in a moment of madness confided in her that I'd had to sell my grandmother's emerald ring to pay for the nursery that month. In 1998 we had to find £900 per month for the nursery and childminder fees, until my son went to reception at school. She said 'well your problems are your problems, got to go, someone is at the door'.

She lived 250 miles away so we continued to visit when we could, but I never confided in her or phoned her again. When she rang I would immediately get my husband without chatting. She just couldn't be the person I needed her to be.

Strange to think that a son has no way to contact mum, if he desires. Who are the sons without phones, internet, post?

When she picked arguments the gc were used as in message sent, "you will never see your gc again".

My DiL has cut contact 3 times with the result I hardly know my gc.who are adults now.. No I did absolutely nothing wrong. I encourage my children to live their own lives. They are part of mine but I have my own life as an individual too. I am not possessive or domineering. She plays mind games. My son goes along with her.

They have always been very close to her family. The girls have never ever intiated a conversation or called me gran. They just answer questions in a short sentence.

I've given up. I can't be bothered. Life's too short.

There are two sides to the argument, some MIL/FILs are positively awful. There was a very recent thread over on MN, where the young mother describing her MIL, said she barged, uninvited into the room in hospital where she was recovering from the birth and being stitched up All the usual kefuffle ensued in the next few years her insistence they came to hers for Christmas, micro managing child's birthday parties etc. I really can't understand these women, absolutely appalling. As a grandmother, the role is a supporting one, one step back and never to usurp the mother's role.

However, on the other hand there are unfortunate grandparents who have been unfairly marginalised and treated very badly on the most spurious of grounds. I feel much sympathy for those people who find themselves on the receiving end of the extreme cruelty of being denied contact with a grandchild/dren

-"Despite my MIL's behaviour at times I always defended her ...she was no threat to me. I wanted my husband to love his mother and respect her good qualities not engender hate."- grannygranby
In another life, I would have loved to have you as my DIL...what a lucky MIL !!

Shortly after my marriage I realised how controlling my MIL and FIL were. FIL was very old fashioned, head of the household, the bread winner, held the purse strings and controlled every aspect of MIL's life. She had to ask for money for clothes etc and all the housekeeping money had to be accounted for.
This had a detrimental affect on her and she was equally as controlling towards me, her only DIL. She would dictate what I fed her son, how I kept our house, where I went when my OH was working, the friendships I tried to make in my new home town and when the babies arrived she tried to control every aspect of my pregnancy, the stuff we bought, how I dressed baby etc etc. My life was unpleasant to say the least and OH just let it happen. iMessage it endorses the theory that being bullied promotes a bullying nature in some.

Power grab?
We are talking about adults in adult relationships here and they are about give and take. It is difficult getting used to someone else's family. No one needs to have power.

absolutely glad you agree with me and that you'd never think of using NC against your MIL. That should be a given. Even if inlaws don't like each other there must be mutual respect. As for the sons? some will be weak some strong. Despite my MIL's behaviour at times I always defended her ...she was no threat to me. I wanted my husband to love his mother and respect her good qualities not engender hate.

JaneJudge

Power grab?
We are talking about adults in adult relationships here and they are about give and take. It is difficult getting used to someone else's family. No one needs to have power.

I noticed this too. Power? How about a mutual, friendly relationship? I'd have loved that with my own MIL.

I also dislike this babying of grown men.

Power grab?
We are talking about adults in adult relationships here and they are about give and take. It is difficult getting used to someone else's family. No one needs to have power.

No it's not happening to me but my sweet mother was badly treated by her DIL I thought that was a one-off but now such power grabs seem normal! But even she didn't try NC she just made it as difficult as she could.

Why is the DIL is expected to be the social secretary? Why do your own male children get excused from maintaining a relationship with their side of the family? You are his parent after all. I don't mind taking the social secretary role but anyone who makes it a difficult time for me is less likely to see much of us then. And if my husband doesn't make the effort himself, that's on him.

grannygranby

thanks Blossoming I 've had a look and it seems to be more generall use of the term...eg as used against abusive partners ex's etc. I meant specifically used in preventing grandmothers seeing their grandchildren ...this is Gransnet. I'd have thought that was striking at the heart of a family. Conflict between female inlaws are as old as the hills and many cultures have very strict rules to contain it and give respect to both sides. It seems very uncontained and out of order.

I think not seeing the GC can be a side effect rather than an object of the situation. If you don't have a relationship with the parent, you generally don't have a relationship with their children.

except for you crazyH (massive sympathy) it seems the reflex is to attack the MIL's. Surely all grans are MILs? what am I not getting? I suppose my worry is the unbalanced nature of it, after all the wife is Number 1 and she should wear her power with grace. Of course she can forbid contact...the MIL can't, it is an unfair battle. That's why societies and cultures had rules and respect in place because ageing women lose power, it is so easy to abuse and humiliate them...be kind. One day it might happen to you.

crazyH

Tell me about it !!!!!!!!!!
I have 2 d.i.ls, one is a real darling, the other is as difficult as they come. Right now, I am waiting for a text to let me know when I can see the grandchildren. I messaged them on Monday. My son works long hours, he has recently damaged the tendons in his leg , so I really would like to see them. But no reply. She is a control freak and on the day they got engaged told me "everything goes through me now" - jokingly it seemed at the time. It's no joke now. But I can't do anything about it.....just have to wait and see.

Or she's been busy looking after young children with a husband who isn't around since he works long hours - and now caring for an injured husband on top of it all. Entertaining someone else is probably not top of her priority list right now. What about acknowledging all that is on her plate right now and offering to come and do some housework to lighten her load? Show you care for her too. It might help start a relationship.

GagaJo

I agree MaggsMcG. My MIL wanted to be the family matriarch and managed it with her own children. But understandably, we DIL's weren't interested. Two of us in particular resisted. She actively tried to turn our husbands against us.

Memorably, she said to her son, 'You don't need to share everything with your wife.' when he'd mentioned something she said to him to his wife.

This is my story too. Sorry MIL, I am matriarch of my own household and these are not your children to take over.

You must have missed all the threads about being denied access to grandchildren there GrannyGranby. Is this happening in your family?

thanks Blossoming I 've had a look and it seems to be more generall use of the term...eg as used against abusive partners ex's etc. I meant specifically used in preventing grandmothers seeing their grandchildren ...this is Gransnet. I'd have thought that was striking at the heart of a family. Conflict between female inlaws are as old as the hills and many cultures have very strict rules to contain it and give respect to both sides. It seems very uncontained and out of order.

Tell me about it !!!!!!!!!!
I have 2 d.i.ls, one is a real darling, the other is as difficult as they come. Right now, I am waiting for a text to let me know when I can see the grandchildren. I messaged them on Monday. My son works long hours, he has recently damaged the tendons in his leg , so I really would like to see them. But no reply. She is a control freak and on the day they got engaged told me "everything goes through me now" - jokingly it seemed at the time. It's no joke now. But I can't do anything about it.....just have to wait and see.

I agree MaggsMcG. My MIL wanted to be the family matriarch and managed it with her own children. But understandably, we DIL's weren't interested. Two of us in particular resisted. She actively tried to turn our husbands against us.

Memorably, she said to her son, 'You don't need to share everything with your wife.' when he'd mentioned something she said to him to his wife.

I think there are some parts of the internet where going no contact (not just with MILs) is jumped at very readily. It can be easy to get a slanted picture if we spend too much time in such a place, in terms of how common it is.

Truth is, some MILs are awful and I don't think this generation feels the same need to let themselves be treated badly for the sake of family relationships. Good on them, I say. Earlier ones might have put up with more. Of course MILs aren't necessarily the problem but some are.

Sometimes its the MIL's fault. Literally. My MIL was always making sarcastic remarks, not just to her two DIL but to her own Adult Daughters too, mostly about housework and children. We just ignored her as we loved FIL. Or sometimes its gets difficult if there's been a nasty divorce.