Son in law - dislike

It sounds like SIL has offered your daughter a different value and she has embraced it. Why is this a problem? Do you find it annoying to cater to if he visits? If so, maybe consider it a chance to learn some new recipes. Does he preach about it every time you eat meat? If so, that's not okay and I'd politely shut it down. There are much worse choices your daughter could make in life. Good for her for thinking and making a choice that is right for her at this time.

Is there more to it than dietary preferences?

Are you really saying that your daughter should follow your dietary choices because of 'all the lovely things you have given her'? That's what jumped out at me in your post.

You give your children lovely things because you love them, not so that they don't become vegan, or deviate from your way of doing things, and doing these things is not showing ingratitude - only independence.

Maybe take a step back and read your post as though it had been written by someone else and you were reading it?

Huh?! My son turned my vegetarian dil into a meat eater, (tempting her with his cooking), does this mean he is an evil? Or is it just that couples that live together over time evolve and develop.

So......I wonder if it might just be possible to be "polite and respectful" (like all your other children's partners) AND a vegan? Now let me think.......................

I'm not vegan but would have no issue with anyone being vegan unless they were going to lecture me about it. When they came to eat at mine I'd happily cook vegan food for them, I'd probably do vegan for everyone as the odd meal. I would have to look into getting a good balance of nutrients into it.

I'm surprised at your post OP, is there more to this?

Chookstar73:

You did not give a lot of details so I’m going to assume he isn’t abusing your daughter but in your mind has different views and values (such as vegan) from your family and is influencing your daughter. You’ve created this whole dramatic story around this that is causing you a lot of pain and suffering. Your brain (our brains are fascinating things) is telling you that something has gone terribly wrong here. But what if nothing has gone wrong? Everything is exactly as it should be.

I know you think your daughters partner is causing you all this pain, but I promise you it’s not. It’s all your dramatic thoughts about her partner that is causing you so much suffering. And it’s so interesting because you feel like you are losing connection with her and, yet, you say you don’t even want to be around her….lol…..the very opposite of connection!

I would offer to you that you calm down, recognize all the drama YOU are creating around your daughters partner through all your thoughts and look for new thoughts that serve you and your family better. Look for what is good in him, try to see what your daughter loves about him, and extend love and kindness yourself.

We can’t control other people. We can only control ourselves. I would work on changing all the negative drama/thoughts you have going on. I’m pretty sure the rest of the family is following a lot of your lead.

And learn to make a couple of great vegan. Surprise your daughter. And just love her.

But the original poster has no right to expect her daughter to be a ‘big meat eater’ just because the rest of the family is Indeed she’s no right to have any say in her daughters life style

I would have thought if there were more serious reasons to dislike the new son in law they would have been mentioned and would have been head of the dislikes column

a huge off the bone meat eater sounds blooming horrible
All I can say is concentrate on your own life chookstar and stop having expectations as to how others live not your business at all

OK could you explain what you mean when you posted "While my own narc parents went bananas when I went vegetarian, they wouldn't admit to it like that so openly on a forum".

The OP has had a strong reaction to her D becoming a vegan and has said so "openly on a forum". So, if you're not suggesting that the OP is a narcissist as you say your parents are, what are you saying? Were you referring to another poster on this thread?

Smileless,
No, not at all.

Are you suggesting that the OP is a narcissist Hithere? What an extremely unpleasant post, even for you.

Viva la difference. Why not try some embracing of it. You might learn something, and ....even enjoy it.

Your daughter is living her own life. Support her and be proud of her.

It sounds like you have a wonderful family, so don’t let this spoil it. It is rather insignificant in the overall scheme of things, and may not last forever anyway.

I think you’re overreacting to be honest, just enjoy what you have.

Hello Chookstar73 our friends stopped eating meat and became vegetarian and they still remain our friends. We enjoy cooking for them as it adds another dimension to our food although we ourselves remain meat eaters. It is a shame that you find this such a dramatic life change for your daughter and that the other children dislike him for what he is doing to her. We are all different not only in our eating habits but in our race, creed and abilities. It is about embracing those differences which is important. I hope that you can find a way to be happy for your Daughter and her Partner.

Gosh, I am assuming there is more to this than vegan, as I am 54 raised wonderfully and also stopped eating meat.
But if you missed narcissist or gaslighting traits, then it is a concern and just have an open door policy. I've had partners that I disliked of my eldest daughter but I just forgot to remember people behave the way they do for a reason and got to know them a bit.

Sorry, I don't know why or how I quoted your avocado post, Bluebelle!
Aubergines (eggplant) and courgettes (zucchini) are better on a bbq, avocados just make a mess!

BlueBelle

But I said advocado …???

How can one person come into her life, change her dramatically to follow his views and values and forget the wonderful things we have given her. We feel he has manipulated her and all the other children dislike him especially what he is doing to her.

Turning this around: you have brought your DC up with your views and values but that does not mean that they are necessarily right. Your other DC still agree with you but one day they may start to think for themselves or be influenced by outside sources and realise that there is more than one path in life and no one way is right or wrong.

I hope I brought my DC up to think for themselves and they do; they may not necessarily agree with me nor I with them. It doesn't mean we love each other less. In fact, it has made me think and learn.

Profound and very true trisher

I’m guessing more broader politics are involved, and possibly moving away from the family religion…

Every person has their own ways. I'd guess D becoming vegan is not your total problem with herself?

While my own narc parents went bananas when I went vegetarian, they wouldnt admit to it like that so openly on a forum.

I think you need this poem

But I said advocado …???

Bluebelle and JaneJudge

Sliced aubergine is very good done on the bbq, but not on the same bbq plate as the meat, obviously, if there are vegetarians or vegans present.
(aka eggplant in Australia)

cul de sac bee bees queues

Um ....what is that JaneJudge?

There must be more to other than turning vegan.