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Issues with DIL

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Sapphire24 Sun 24-Oct-21 13:56:49

Hi new to Gransnet and would like to ask others experience/advice. My son and DIL have separated, and she has the granddaughters with her.
My son ended the marriage of which we totally support.
We tried very hard to keep things as neutral/civil as possible, but DIL's behaviour makes it very difficult.
It's not possible to see the granddaughters without making special plans as they've moved to another country. So keeping in contact by sending small gifts and letters.
Sadly DIL seems intent on using what limited contact there is to be negative. Even using the gifts sent, as us favouring our biological granddaughter over our step granddaughter. It's not the first time she's done something like this. It's rather infuriating as we've never treated either of them differently. The gifts sent were made by me and a lot more time went into making the gift for step granddaughter, and she seemed equally ungrateful... Like her mother's words coming out of her mouth.
I feel like not bothering in future but wouldn't want to lose contact. The only other option I see is making identical gifts, despite there being quite an age difference. Anyone else dealt with similar situations, I'd be interested to know how you handled it? Thanks

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Hithere Sun 24-Oct-21 14:06:37

So sorry you are in this situation.
Why not ask your son what gifts to send the kids?

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DillytheGardener Sun 24-Oct-21 14:08:28

I have not been in this situation, but my advice would be to send an identical homemade gift each, with an Amazon gift card each for a little money for them to buy something individual for their age range each.
That way they both get exactly the same thing/value.

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grandtanteJE65 Sun 24-Oct-21 14:22:16

You don't say how old the girls are, but until they are grown up they will probably continue to accept their mother's view of the relationship they have with you (and with their father).

If you want to continue sending gifts then Dilly's suggestion seems a very good one to me.

Alternatively, you could just send a small present to each child, and put an amount of money aside for each girl, and give her access to the bank account when she reaches her majority.

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Sapphire24 Sun 24-Oct-21 14:37:19

Thank you, I did ask my son and went with his recommendation. The youngest, our biological granddaughter, loved her gift. I think I might have to develop a very thick skin to keep any contact going.

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VioletSky Sun 24-Oct-21 14:54:28

How new is this situation Sapphire? Could anger and hurt feelings still be high?

I agree with others, as long as you know you are putting the same thought and time into gifts, it will eventually become obvious you aren't doing anything wrong and trying to be fair.

I think if you focus on loving the grandchildren and keeping communication with mum positive and away from the broken relationship, hopefully it will settle down.

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Sapphire24 Sun 24-Oct-21 17:03:14

Its only been a few months since the separation. Reason for sending the gifts so soon was to reassure particularly the youngest who's 5, as she was upset that we wouldn't know where they had gone to.

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Smileless2012 Sun 24-Oct-21 17:16:57

A sad and difficult situation Sapphire and regardless of how the adults involved may be feeling it's wrong to bring the children into it.

I think DillytheGardener's idea is a good one. I does look as if you may need a thick skin to maintain your contact but it will be worth it for yours and the children's sake.

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