Why is death a taboo subject

Maggie, you have to examine what scares you about dying, is is the manner of it, the finality? We are all born to die and no one escapes it. I think young people dying hard to accept, but getting older I’m glad for what I’ve had, the way I die is a bit scary but I choose not to think of things I cannot alter. Lots of people I love have gone before me and they live in my heart, as I will hopefully to those that care for me. I just hope they remember the good things. Sometimes it’s hard to see the bright side when things are not going right, but it’s the only way as it all works out in the end. We really should enjoy now.

Grief is a normal part of life, and the idea that we can control our children's emotions after we die is a delusion.

Some children will dance on their parents graves, they are so glad they are dead, but, after a lifetime of attending funerals, I feel confident to make the generalisation that children are generally sad, and grieve when their parents die, whether their parents want this or not.

It has got nothingto do with children 'suffering'. You cannot ask people to suppress all their negative emotions because it would make their parents unhappy to see them sad, yet expect them to feel all the positive emotions. Emotions do not work that way.

MOnica most normal people don’t like to think of their children suffering in any way after they pass and there are degrees of grief. How can you know exactly how your children will react to your death? Maybe you have powers the rest of us don’t possess. Obviously you have it all sorted, so bully for you, Miss Practicality.
Grief is not pleasant even if part of life and your down to earth perspective is not true for everyone.

Thank you grandtante, much food for thought.

It is surely natural for healthy, happy people to dislike the thought of death- their own or others. However, refusing to speak of it, makes the taboo even stronger. Not sure what you mean Grandetante75

Death is an inheent part of life. We all know from a very young age that we will eventually die, but tend to just tuck that knowledge away as 'not needed at the moment'.

I have never disliked the thought of death, just accepted that it was part of life, but I think of it more as i get closer to it.

I think the real problem is that with advances in wealth and Public health measures, plus advances in medicine, most people do not die until they are old. In the past the death rate of children under 5 was so high, it distorted average age statistics and as life progressed people died young from a range of diseases from TB, measles, smallpox, cancer and a host of illnesses that are now curable so in the past people's lives were intertwined with death and the regular loss of someone near and dear and often young.

Now the death of someone under 60 is relatively rare and if you die under the age of 75, it is considered a premature death.

This is a generalization, I know, but in my experience people with a firm belief either in a hereafter or the complete opposite, that this is the only life we get, find it easier to accept that life must end.

However, few of us, if any, like the thought. Certainly, those who are terminally ill usually come to accept that their death is approaching and may even come to welcome it if they are in pain, or tired of the treatment necessary to prolong their life.

The very old can reach a point where they feel life has nothing more to offer them.

None of this really answers your question, though.

IMO death is a tabooed subject because people are afraid of it. It is surely natural for healthy, happy people to dislike the thought of death- their own or others. However, refusing to speak of it, makes the taboo even stronger.

I am in no hurry to die, and like many of you, occasionally worry about how difficult it may be to live the last months of life, but we none of us know what the future holds. Not everyone dies a lingering or painful death.

The older I get, the more I realise that it makes no sense to be afraid of something that will assuredly happen, any more than it makes sense to be afraid of thunderstorms. Death will come, but may well come in a form and at a time that makes it welcome, not horrific.

Comforting the bereaved: the worst you can say is nothing. If you don't know what to say, say exactly that. You are thus telling the bereaved person that you sympathise and probably expressing more or less their own feelings. If they want or need to talk, they can do so, which they can't nearly as well to someone who has basically ignored the fact that there has just been a death of someone close to them.

The emotional spouse or child: "Oh don't talk about it, I don't want to think of it." Very well, but it is easier to discuss while we are still all hale and hearty, rather than when one of us is , might be or fears he or she is dying! If they will not discuss it, sit down now, whilst you are well and write them a letter.

It is hard to do, I have done it, so I know. It did, however, console me that I had made an effort to tell them both some practical things and that I loved them. When it turned out that was I was dealing with was NOT cancer, i destroyed the letters, hoping that at least some things will be different next time I am afraid that my departure has been announced.

Perhaps discussing death here will make it easeir to discuss it elsewhere.

Whether we like it or not, it is part of life, We were born, as the Book of Common Prayer puts it, not of our own volition or of any man's but of God's - whether you believe that or not, there is no balking the fact that because we have been born we will assuredly die. Time to re-read Hamlet?

Time to enjoy life and to try and think sensibly about the ending of it.

One of my dearest friends died 5 years ago. I sometimes forget that she’s not here any more.
It happened when I read that hilariously funny post from Maywalk.
I thought oh I must send that to J then it hits me again.

Ah what a nice thing to say.
Thank you.

Miss Adventure, you have not put a downer on things by telling us of your loss. You are brave beyond words and your posts give comfort to many.

We really need an edit function.
I would edit that out.
Talk about putting a downer on things!

It's the anniversary of my girl's death today.

MissAdventure I am with you on both My sister died suddenly in her 40s, our grief was cathartic and so was the the sdaness and grief of so many others who knew her.

It was the least tribute we could pay to someone who was loved by so many, as I am sure you felt.

To me 'jolly funerals' or trying to suppress other people's natural emotions on loosing someone dear are all part of the taboo around death.

Yes, funerals should celebrate the life no longer there, but also acknowledge the feelings of loss those present feel.

My daughter stipulated that she wanted a sad funeral, not a jolly celebration of life.
She wanted people to feel sad that she died so young and have a cry about it.

Happy to say that was very easy to comply with.

Why shouldn't people grieve when they lose a parent or anyone close to them Hollysteers?

I really hope my children grieve for me when I die, as I did for my parents and my sister and several friends. It is a sign of how much I cared for them and that I was capable of range of emotions, including love, and that when they disappeared from my life for ever. I grieved that I would not see them again.

Look how many threads we have from grandparents estranged from children and grandchildren and how they grieve - and those they grieve over are still alive.

One of the above posters said that when you are talking to a bereaved person they probably dont want you to "talk about it" to them.

When I was a manager one of the most difficult things to deal with was when a team member came to me (or phoned in) obviously upset and told me about a death in the family. Obviously anything I said was going to sound trite as I did not know the person who had died

I would just tell them I was sorry for the loss but lets deal with the formalities of what you are entitled to/would like to apply for in respect of time off. This meant I had to ask some questions, as the degree of kinship was the deciding factor in whether the employer granted time off with or without pay. I would just concentrate on getting the forms filled out and explaining to the staff member what the procedure was. This may have come across as rather impersonal but it was part of the job.

I can recall that when my grandmother dired and I went to tell my boss I would not be taking time off for the funeral but would be in a bit late (it was on my morning off) he made a callous and unprofessional remark. It upset me so much that I phoned a bigger boss and said I wanted to raise a grievance. The bigger boss immediately urged me to take 3 days off with pay and his secretary later told me he gave my manager a real bollocking for his "unprofessional" attitude.

Dealing with breavement in a workplace can be very difficult.

Dying is not fearful at all, it's the manner of getting there that's the worry. The thought of anything long and painful is just awful and I would dread that. I also think being unable to look after myself would drive me insane, so that is a part of it. Some people are the opposite, quite happy to be waited on and looked after. I would hate it, I'm much too independent.

Thank you hollysteers, what lovely advice.

Yes I wanted to say you were lucky but hesitated a bit. I lost one of my close friends when he was young, in his thirties, but I feel really lucky for having known him.

Maggie, a clue for me is the fact that you find peace in the cathedral nearby. Maybe you could go to services regularly or spend more time there. It might be that your spiritual streak could be strengthened there or in another similar place, so that the vulnerability you feel is balanced up by a contented inner life, bringing peace. I don’t know your religion, but you can shop around and add it to the contentment you find in nature.
I hate to think my AC will grieve when I go, there can be a lot of sadness. To this end, I tell them how wonderful life has been
(true, apart from my childhood) and if I drop dead now, I have no regrets. My sorrow for my mother was all the unhappiness she endured in her life.
I do like the idea of leaving a letter behind. I wish I had a letter from my mother.
How ironic that the Sisters of Mercy should have shown so little..

Thank you so much Galaxy. It was wonderful and I was lucky to have had the time I did with her.

That sounds an amazing friendship scones,

Kandinsky

It’s not the greatest of subjects to talk about is it?
I mean, all death means is pain & untold sadness & grief in majority of cases.
Who wants to talk about that?

I mentioned earlier that my friend had died suddenly. A year or two before she died we had a conversation about death. I remember us laughing about it 'it would never happen' because we were young women with a lifetime of friendship ahead of us. We said that if one of us was to die the other would visit where their ashes had been scattered and talk, drink a glass of wine and say cheers to the other and that way we would continue our friendship. Well then she only went and blooming died!! Now I am able to visit her, chat and yes I do drink a glass of wine and pour one on the earth for her. This probably makes me sound a proper oddball, but there you go...it's true.

So my point is...I'm so glad we talked about it. It wasn't a painful, sad conversation and was a great thing we did talk about it as I am able to do what she wanted and it has been a great comfort to me.

I'd urge everyone to talk about death as you would any other aspect of your life. If you don't when it happens those left behind have to deal with things in a lonely vacuum. If they could hear your thoughts on the subject in their head I'm sure it would comfort them and feel more like a shared experience.

Maywalk,
What a beautiful place to rest in peace.

My grandmother used to say that she wanted her flowers while she was alive, please. I agree.

My hubby and I sorted our funerals out nearly 30 years ago because neither of us wanted to be buried in a cemetary. We opted for this ...............................
www.thenaturalburialcompany.co.uk/site-locations/prestwold/

Hubby died in 2016 and had a happy funeral with his big band music being played and a lovely lady singing "We'll Meet Again" We didn't want any flowers mainly because the burial ground prefers the pretty wild flowers there already. Even comical poems read out about hubby and I were recited. If anyone wanted to make a donation to our local Childrens Hospice instead of flowers then that was/is our wish.

Hubby had a happy jolly send off and all those who attended the wake said that it was a wonderful way to be remembered.

Mine will be the same and I want NO flowers. No black worn if possible and No hymns or prayers. I just want folks to remember any good times that I have shared with many from worldwide.

I am 91 now in bad health but I am not going to sit here waiting for the Grim Reaper to knock on the door. I like to have a belly laugh to help the meds go down.

Just remember enjoy life while you can .

Just for the record in case anyone thinks I am uncaring and have no empathy I would like to point out that I was illtreated by Sisters-of-Mercy over 80 years ago until my family got me back and then went through the war being bombed out twice during the London Blitz as well as being machine gunned twice and I count myself VERY lucky to still be here. Good Luck.