Adult stepson wants to move back in again, what do we do?

Kali2

trisher

Sorry I disagree with almost everyone. If any of my 3 DSs needed a home whilst I had the space they always knew they could come home. It never meant they wanted to live with me for ever. It was just a place they could come to when they needed a little extra support. All of them moved in and out at different periods of their life and one brought a child with him. Maybe I'm weird but I can't see the point of a beautiful renovated house if it isn't there to provide shelter for a family member who needs it.

Yes, we have done the same. But I think there is a difference here, is that Mamma66 has a strong inkling that this will not be a stopgap of a few months, but that he intends to live there forever.

And I think she is quite right to say that she does not feel comfortable with this. Totally fair.

I never knew how long any of my DSs would stay. They all moved out eventually. Maybe they found living with me difficult and were happy to go! Actually I think you just need to make clear to them that they are adults and you aren't going to take care of them like you did when they were children. Then the benefits of living on their own seem more obvious.

trisher

Sorry I disagree with almost everyone. If any of my 3 DSs needed a home whilst I had the space they always knew they could come home. It never meant they wanted to live with me for ever. It was just a place they could come to when they needed a little extra support. All of them moved in and out at different periods of their life and one brought a child with him. Maybe I'm weird but I can't see the point of a beautiful renovated house if it isn't there to provide shelter for a family member who needs it.

Yes, we have done the same. But I think there is a difference here, is that Mamma66 has a strong inkling that this will not be a stopgap of a few months, but that he intends to live there forever.

And I think she is quite right to say that she does not feel comfortable with this. Totally fair.

Am I desperately mean?

No more than you were in your dealings with your brother over the family home.

No, you're not being mean. You and your OH need to discuss this before Sunday's meeting and form a united front in preparation for what the son might be asking.

This might be a short term thing after all. If he does move in you have to set the ground rules, he's an adult and shouldn't be relying on you to clean up after him.

Also, what ages are his children, will you be expected to be a child minder?

All credit to your stepson for not wanting to expose his children to the housemate’s drinking. However he should be looking for a flat of his own or a more suitable house share as he is working. I would try to help him with that, perhaps whilst giving him a home with you for a fixed period. We are after all coming up to Christmas and I’m sure you would want to know he and his children are ok over that time. The New Year could be a perfect time for a new start. Given your very different lifestyles I can’t imagine more than a temporary home with you working out. Good luck!

A big NO imo.
I agree with alot of the posters have written.
He`s an adult and as such should act like one.

I do see how difficult this feels for you, but my heart is with trisher - my home would be their home too if the need arose. But then I am now on my own and would love the company.

Sorry I disagree with almost everyone. If any of my 3 DSs needed a home whilst I had the space they always knew they could come home. It never meant they wanted to live with me for ever. It was just a place they could come to when they needed a little extra support. All of them moved in and out at different periods of their life and one brought a child with him. Maybe I'm weird but I can't see the point of a beautiful renovated house if it isn't there to provide shelter for a family member who needs it.

A very difficult dilemma Mamma and I think Iam's suggestion is a good one.

The problem is, even if he does agree to just a 3 month stay once he's moved in it may not be that east to get him to leave. He really should have been looking for alternative accommodation when he was beginning have doubts about the friend he's living with's behaviour.

It's good to know that you and your H are in agreement about this only being a short term solution but I would give some serious thought to saying no from the outset.

I hope it goes well for you all.

It is a very difficult decision for you both. I had my son return to live with me in his late twenties after a relationship failed. But the plan was for him to save for a deposit as he had been renting previously. We both knew it was temporary. That's a very different situation to someone with children who works nights, thus affecting how you live your life in your own home. I think hard questions have to be asked. Why has he not explored another house share? Was going back to your home his first choice and if so, why? Why has he not saved a deposit for a new rental, knowing the situation with his housemate? Why does he not get rid of the housemate?
I suspect that you will be back here in a year, asking how to get rid of him from your house

You have to be honest and say what you really feel about this. This is your home after all. Don't be press ganged into something you may regret. Fingers crossed for you.

This such a dilema for you ! You both obviously have kind hearts and want to help - however you have great doubts and I can imagine how hard it would be to say no. You have different lifestyles! I agree with the responses on this thread. Think about it this way , your stepson knows how much you care for him and his boys , he recognizes how difficult it will be for you to refuse him . With this in mind he has made his request. Wouldn't it have been better if with this knowledge he had decided not to put you and your DH in this awkward situation? Sharing your life with him in this way may well damage your relationship with him and having two children there too - not easy for any of you. I know it's ok for me to 'say' these things when I am not in your situation! I don't envy you both . Be strong offer to help in other ways , your stepson is a grown man . Thinking about you and good luck when you have that family conversation.

When I was a single mother in my early twenties, I had to ask my parents if I could stay with them for a couple of months. I had to agree I would leave by a certain date and contribute to household costs and food.

Could you offer rent free with a contribution to food, for 3 months? The deal bearing he saves a deposit for private rented accommodation.
We really do need more social housing. So many children spend time every week, sometimes 50% with their separated parents. Private rents are high and there’s little tenant security

Totally with Kandinsky on this. Once the 'initially agreed' time expires and he shows no sign of moving this becomes awful. Even worse with children involved. I would bust a gut to help them find replacement accommodation but that would be it. Really difficult present for promising long term future I think. Gosh I feel for you. Horrible situation indeed. Thank goodness you and your husband are in accord. I wish you all a happy and amicable outcome.

Surely he could find another place to live with another housemate. He has obviously been paying rent and has a job.

Be careful. If he moves in it might be really, really hard to get him to leave. Can you help him find new accomodation with another house share arrangement ? Perhaps fairly close by and then you could help him out with a few meals etc from time to time. Maybe go with him to check possibilities out.

That won’t work.
What will you do once the 3 months is up? Kick him out?
It’s either a ‘yes, okay until you sort something else out’. - no time limit.
Or ‘no’

Agree with Juliet.

From your second post i'd suggest he looks at a flat to rent on his own!

If it was a marriage break down I'd have said otherwise as even adult children need support through that but as he has just fallen out with his friend (to a degree) I think he needs to adult up and treat it as an eviction and find somewhere else to live independent of you

I would think long and hard about agreeing even if he says it very short term (because he probably would say that). You may then find him immovable. I have experience of this and have found that it's easier to say no at the outset.

I hope whatever the outcome, that it all works out comfortably for you.

I think half measures could allow more problems . I think I’d want to be firm from the start but help him find alternative accommodation perhaps with some financial assistance at first.

Thank you, your comments have been very reassuring. Hubby and I have talked about this a fair bit and we think we have come to a decision. We are both definitely on the same page, thank God.

My stepson has been sharing a house with a friend. I have thought for a while that their friendship was strained, but my stepson has said nothing. The other day he disclosed that his housemate was drinking too much and he didn’t want to expose his boys to this, which is completely understandable. The issue is that whilst we would be happy to let my stepson live with us for a month or two, I think I have a niggling feeling he is thinking of this being long term. He works night shifts, hubby and I both work full-time and mostly in the day. All of us would spend our time creeping around trying not to disturb each other. Even at the weekend hubby and I are early risers, stepson and his boys are not.

We have decided to listen, see what stepson has to say, and if it is short term, agree and if it’s not we will just have to say he can stay but limit it to three months absolute max…

Frankly I would say no. He is a grown man and should find his own accommodation.
If there is an emergency situation and there is no alternative then perhaps, for a limited period with strict ground rules I might agree.
You and your husband must present a united front on this, otherwise it may affect your marriage.