What would you think if you received this?

Summerlove

Lucca

Bibbity. But it's posters here who don't seem to accept that things have changed and that a new mother should do what is best for her and her baby and not her demanding mother

Wrong. Try to actually read what people write.
Once again…it’s not that, it’s the impersonal way it was done.

I’ve read them all

Many are upset about the tone

Some don’t believe that there are people who wouldn’t follow these common sense rules to begin with

Some are saying that new mum will regret and beg for help as she’ll be on her knees

Some are saying that they would punish new parents by putting in new rules for babysitting if they deigned to babysit at all- as a direct action of this note.

Others are looking for deeper meaning into emojis.

Some can’t understand why new mom won’t just acquiesce to a quick visit on the way home from hospital.

There are many opinions and issues.

Not all just about the tone.

Ok. So there’s a variety of answers but I still maintain the majority are concerned about the tone,
What upsets me are the posts from bibbity and of course hithere implying that grandparents are always grasping demanding people who treated their own babies badly. etc. So bitter.
I’m out.

I don't agree that the only people who could compromise if compromises were to be made, would be the new parents, compromising works best when it works both ways.

Smileless2012

Your post illustrates what many of us believe OneOfThoseDIL communication is key. It isn't just what we
say but how we say it.

The drip-feed suggested the new parents tried to deliver the message in an alternative way and it wasn’t heard. Sometimes, it isn’t just about how we say it, but what we hear.

And yet, there are many posts on here which aren’t about how we say it, but the message itself.

The parents have made themselves very clear. They don’t want visitors, regardless. If they change their mind, great, but pushing the issue isn’t helpful. Asking for compromise, isn’t helpful, the only people who would compromise in this situation is the new parents, and that isn’t fair on them or their newborn. Let’s face it, their newborn really doesn’t care for meeting their grandparents during the ‘fourth trimester’ unless there is something seriously dysfunctional at home.

Your post illustrates what many of us believe OneOfThoseDIL communication is key. It isn't just what we
say but how we say it.

Lucca

Bibbity. But it's posters here who don't seem to accept that things have changed and that a new mother should do what is best for her and her baby and not her demanding mother

Wrong. Try to actually read what people write.
Once again…it’s not that, it’s the impersonal way it was done.

I’ve read them all

Many are upset about the tone

Some don’t believe that there are people who wouldn’t follow these common sense rules to begin with

Some are saying that new mum will regret and beg for help as she’ll be on her knees

Some are saying that they would punish new parents by putting in new rules for babysitting if they deigned to babysit at all- as a direct action of this note.

Others are looking for deeper meaning into emojis.

Some can’t understand why new mom won’t just acquiesce to a quick visit on the way home from hospital.

There are many opinions and issues.

Not all just about the tone.

CurlyWurly, thank you again for illustrating my point.

No interferring from me, just support when needed and when they ask - like lots and lots of grandparents.

My original comment was ‘without interference’, (as AC perceive it) - your support was wanted.

What I should have made clearer, is that my post was in reference to another, considering those younger families, who had recently given birth during lockdown. It’s obvious that older children who are used to relationships being present, may miss them. A new young family may report better outcomes.

There are lots on this thread who have stated about how upset they would be, disappointed, or how precious or patronising the message is, or about how unkind the parents are being for not stopping off. Not respecting an AC’s wishes when they’ve made them clear, and instead, stating ‘but I’m your Mum’ (however clumsily) and requesting they stop on the way home from the hospital, is starting to interfere.

FWIW, not that my own experiences should be relevant, bur me and my in-laws and parents all get along and when we don’t, we’re able to sit down and talk about things like adults. They trust they’ve done a good enough job of raising us, to ensure we can make our own decisions regarding our children. They also respect that post-birth, recovery is important.

Neither have I.

I don't think I've met a good parent who didn't constantly worry they weren't being one

Curlywhirly

OneofthoseDILs 'My point was, hopefully, illustrating that families who were able to spend some time together (without interference from well-meaning grans) anecdotally reported better family outcomes'.

Don't lump all grandparents together - my son and DIL were not happy at being holed up in their house during lockdown with a 3 year old and 6 year old; the children missed their grandparents and friends and were constantly asking when they could see us and come for a sleepover. Not all adult children relish not seeing their parents or think they are interferring. My sons and gorgeous DIL are lovely with me, very caring and thoughtful. And for the record I would never drop in on my children (or anyone) without ringing first; wouldn't dream of giving them childrearing advice; am more than happy to help whenever I can; am very easygoing and when they are happy, I am happy. No interferring from me, just support when needed and when they ask - like lots and lots of grandparents.

I haven't said you've said otherwise have I.

I don't think you used that correctly.

And also anyone can be unhappy. Where have I said otherwise?

And the idea that only children who didn't have a good childhood with decent parents are unhappy with how they were raised is also "a very weak flex".

Btw, comparing birth plans with this email is apples and oranges

The birth plan is how the mother wishes for her birth.
Obstetric violence is very well known
Now, emergencies out of the control of the mother happen and the plan cannot be followed

The list of rules sent in the email is different case.
The parents are in full control (as it should be) of how they want to adjust.
If it doesn't work for them, they have the right to change their minds

These emails exist for a reason - pushy relatives trying to get their paws on the baby disregarding the parents has happened in all generations.

The idea that the mark of good parenting is that the children are alive is a very weak flex.

I have no qualms about the way we raised our boys Bibbity, none whatsoever.

And all those children are happy with how their parents raised them? All have fantastic relationships now?

No qualms about the way it was done?
Abusers still manager to have children who make it to adulthood. Doesn't mean they were good at parenting.

Another example of twisting words or possibly a total fabrication Lucca.

I agree with your summary of the consensus on here and how one or two posters interpretation of our views is IMO rather insulting but hey ho it's only 'entertainment' after all.

It's pretty miraculous though how "a bunch of ancient crones who did everything wrong" managed to get their babies all the way through to adult hood isn't it.

Wrong again. Many have wished ill and failure on her to teacher her a lesson.
They have said that a mum isn't just any relative (false) and that she is being precious.

Bibbity. But it's posters here who don't seem to accept that things have changed and that a new mother should do what is best for her and her baby and not her demanding mother

Wrong. Try to actually read what people write.
Once again…it’s not that, it’s the impersonal way it was done.

* Why does agreeing with new mums rules make people not old enough to be here?*

Absolutely nobody has said this.

I would say the consensus on here is that the ideas are fine but the message/text etc is OTT.

However it appears that bibbity among others prefers to interpret these views as a bunch of ancient crones who did everything wrong

"We could all learn something by listening to and respecting the different generations' experiences" of course we could *nightowl.

My mum and GM offered advise when both our boys were born, some I took and some I didn't, none of it was abusive; smacking and leaving a baby to cry I hasten to add.

"The situation was handled really badly and tactlessly" that sums it up for me Sharina. It's all about the delivery isn't it and just because somethings have changed, it doesn't mean that what they've been changed from was wrong.

Bibbity

Calistemon

That message is a copy and paste! It's been doing the rounds on the mum groups! It crops up constantly! Emojis and all!

Oh dear, so not even a personal message to convey the new parents' wishes to their friends and supposedly loving family.

How impersonal.

Why does that matter? It fit the bill for what she needed. Who cares if she came up with it or someone else. Job done. Everyone on the same page. If they aren't happy with it they can manage their own feelings. She doesn't have to care about such pointless things.

When I saw the note on page 22 about it being a copy and paste of something doing the rounds, that to me altered the whole ambience of this thread.

So "the niece" did not author it, so not what she has constructed.

It was much more like "a standard letter" that some businesses send out. Sent nevertheless but not specifically written, so not directed as such and not tailored to individual circumstances..

So perhaps the recipient might regard the message in a different light now.

Some of us were discussing the meanings of emoji hearts of various colours very early this morning (later part of page 20 and onto page 21).

There do seem to be quite a few young members on gransnet now, some of whom seem to have quite negative views of our generation as parents and now grandparents. Maybe this is a reflection of your own experiences and if so, I’m sorry. I find it quite strange that you have this idea that we were abusive; smacking, leaving babies to cry etc. My children were born in the 80s and in my experience we were incredibly child-centred. Smacking was definitely frowned upon, feeding on demand was the norm, attending to your baby as soon as they cried expected. I think the ‘sleep-and-everything-else-training’ approach à la Gina Ford actually came later. When my daughter had her first baby 11 years ago we found our approach was very similar, I learnt new things but she also found some of the old ways were still current. She is a brilliant mum - better than I was - and I’ve been privileged to share in my grandchildren’s lives. We could all learn something by listening to and respecting the different generations’ experiences.

I agree that "those new parents will realize they need help and they will come to the gp begging for help" is a grandparent fantasy.

It may happen or it may not.
I agree that the lack of faith of grandparents on their ac's ability to adjust is very self serving and selfish