Relationship with in laws (I’m the DIL)

ElaineI

Cafe not saying her responsibility but someone has to make first move. Should be her husband but maybe he won't. If that was rebuffed then just leave it. Life is too short!
As for dropping things off, we have had to do this and had things dropped off on our doorstep for Covid regulations - different counties, different rules. No one got offended as it was the current rules.

I think the first move needs to be made by either the husband or his parents.

I really don't understand how maintaining, or in this case, repairing a relationship should be on the newest family member's shoulders.

From what the OP has said, her husband has not had a great relationship with his parents. I mean, talking on the phone once in twelve years?! It seems, however, that the expectations changed with the birth of their first child.

If the relationship isn't important enough for either the DH or his parents to step up and build, I fail to see why the OP should attempt to do so.

There's a big difference, imo, btwn being a barrier in a relationship and simply standing aside to allow the primary people sort it out or not, as the case may be.

I do agree with everyone saying it's down to husband and his parents but Pumpkin doesn't seem happy in the middle of that and seems to want to try...

Definitely shouldn't be doing it alone though when MIL makes comments that are upsetting

After we got MiL moved to a council flat (to be closer to us!)DH never visited her at all. HE would bring her to our house for Christmas Day and that was all. I used to take her to doctor's appointments, do her shopping and collect her prescriptions. After she was moved to a care home he never visited her at all. She never seemed that bothered about seeing him either. She occasionally asked how he was but that was all. It was just the way they were.

I don't think there's any need for you to go out of your way Pumpkin. The occasional suggestion for a meet up would be nice at a time when your husband is available too.

A telephone call now and then, if that's a bit awkward just keep it short and sweet.

I agree that it isn't your sole responsibility that said if you want your child to have these GP's in his life it's worth a little effort to facilitate this even if it's only once in a while.

You posted about the time you had to just drop off a present and leave straight away because your son was upset, and how your m.i.l. mentioning this on more than one occasion puts your nose out of joint. Perhaps the fact she still mentions this is because her nose was put out of joint at the time.

As long as you are open to some form of contact, you wont be cutting them out of your H's and son's lives.

It appears from your OP that this is not a particularly close family. The don't seem to be that interested in your H, their son or their GC, or your H in them so them not being interested in you seems par for the cause.

Make a suggestion to get together, if they don't take you up on it, wait a while and make another one. That's all you can do but at least you'll know you've made the effort, then it's up to them isn't it.

mumofmadboys - super advice. ????????

Your in-laws have shown their lack of interest in you and their grandchild.

Your husband isn't bothered by lack of contact.

Your MIL has said at least insensitive if downright guilt-inducing stuff - "how awful it was that we dropped the present and ran".

You don't feel comfortable with them when you do see them.

Summation: get on with your own life and lovely DS, they're nothing to you.

Millions of children get on just wonderfully without grandparents (many have GP's who've died before their birth!).

Leave it to their son to build a relationship if he wants to, which it appears he doesn't. You married him, not them.

I've been married 3 times - 1st P'sIL didn't give much of a sh*t about their own son and only cared if I came up to their standards pedigree wise. 2nd was Catholic - I never met her as she wouldn't acknowledge her son's divorce from his first wife. 3rd, like her son, was a total Gem. You play 'em how you find 'em.

Hope this is of some help! I've seen you got a few nasty, snippy, holier-than-thou replies. Ignore the judgemental t*ts.

i wouldn't bother with them.
you don't need them.
they're not bothered.
so just leave it.

Understand now child was upset but think it would be better to have taken him out of the car and seen grandparents even if only briefly.
Poster seems bothered by lack of relationship therefore why wait for them and /or husband to make first move?
Ask them over for a specific occasion; if it goes badly or they decline then the onus isn't on her; she has tried.

A baby that age is upset for a reason - hungry, tired, over stimulated, etc.

The baby's needs take over the wants of another person

OP has already tried.
MIL is being unpleasant.
of course she shouldn't have taken a screaming child out of the car, just to appease a self-centred MIL.
it's that kind of arrogant attitude that tells me not to bother with them OP.
child needed to get home and be comfortable.
forget them.

Pumpkin82... You say you used to get on OK with your MIL before baby arrived, but now you admit to being a little less intolerant. You say your MIL says things without consideration to how they land ... has this always been her way, or only since you became less intolerant? And, because of this you say you no longer want to pop in when passing, or to arrange a catch-up, so you've stopped doing this leaving it up to your DH who isn't very proactive with making arrangements. I would think that if prior to baby arriving you occasionally popped in, and now no longer bother to do so, that your in-laws probably feel that you no longer care about having a relationship with them.

Your baby was a covid baby, and we have all seen many posts on GN from DILs complaining about GPs still wanting to visit their GC, when DIL doesn't think they should do so. This has caused upset, as the GPs have been seen to be selfish, and irresponsible. You say that your in-laws have not seen much of your baby since he was born, but do you think that possibly they may have been concerned GPs and not wanted to take unnecessary risks due to covid? Sometimes it seems that whatever GPs do, they are often in the wrong.

You say they aren't very communicative, but it sounds like neither is your DH, and you've admitted to also not being bothered anymore to contact them. If I'm honest, I never called my MIL either, because I always felt a bit awkward about talking to her on the phone, but we always made a point of visiting once a week with the GCs, and they had a great relationship whilst growing up.

Regarding the birthday present on the doorstep incident. The fact that it was dropped off on the doorstep, and then a text was sent to MIL to let her know it was there, I would find extremely upsetting, and quite frankly I'm not in the least bit surprised that she was miffed, and has brought it up since. Would a phone call have been so difficult to say happy birthday? Or perhaps you and DH were just a bit embarrassed at the fact that you left the gift on the doorstep? Would you have allowed that to happen were it your own mother? We all know that babies have wants and needs, but taking baby out of the car for 5 minutes to pass on the gift, and wish MIL a happy birthday wouldn't have done any harm. He may have simply been objecting to being strapped into his car seat, or simply needed a nappy change, or a feed ... both of which I assume you'd have taken along supplies on your car journey, and would easily have been able to be tended to in GMs home. I would say that your MIL had something to be upset, and 'cheesed off' about.

You say that you feel your in-laws aren't remotely interested in you, but perhaps under the circumstances they feel the same about you and your DH, as neither of you any longer bother to pop in to see them, or to call them.

"Has anybody got any suggestions or thoughts as to how to handle this? We haven’t seen them for a while and DH seems to think they won’t be very impressed if we don’t see them soon because they will expect to see us."

My suggestion would be, if you do want any kind of relationship with your in-laws, it's not so difficult to be nice, and simply invite them round for Sunday lunch or somethings. Insist that DH does it if you don't want to call them. If they choose not to come, then you know where you stand with them.

I know that there are other posters here who will not agree with my views, but I simply wanted to point out that having read your OP, different people interpret things in different ways. Some with say your in-laws don't deserve to be included in your family life, because they don't communicate with you, and don't seem to care. Others will look at it from a totally different perspective, and feel that they may be a little upset, and deserve another chance at being a part of your family life, so that they can enjoy being GPs, and your little son can enjoy having them in his life.

Excellent post Nansnet. I hadn't realised the birthday gift had been left on the doorstep and a text had been sent once they'd left, like you I'm not surprised this has been mentioned more than once by the OP's m.i.l.

Thanks for all the posts everyone. This was what I was hoping for to be honest, a range of thoughts from people with different life experiences/angles. Whenever I think about it I will naturally come at it from the same angle, so I don’t get very far.

Ultimately I feel awkward and uncomfortable at the moment, and when we have seen PIL it feels like that for me, but that’s not to say it does for them. Previously they have complained to us about BIL but I don’t believe they have the same conversations with BIL. This makes me feel awkward too, I don’t like complaining if people don’t take action to do something about it, and it feels unfair to BIL for him not to be able to change things if PIL aren’t happy. It’s really awkward too because whenever we see BIL we feel a bit caught in the middle. Maybe PIL just use us to vent, but I think now we have DS, if PIL aren’t happy with something, would they broach it with us or just sit on it? And I guess that is up to them, isn’t it? Often the complaints are about being stressed about providing the childcare, or how BIL is so disorganised and running late, and they never see them except for when they pick the children up. We both work, but partly why we didn’t consider asking PIL for childcare was because of the dynamic it has created with BIL.

I will do my best to address some of the unknowns. It wasn’t actually MIL’s birthday present we left on the doorstep, it was for BIL, but PIL do childcare for them so we dropped the present on their doorstep because BIL would be passing there. We were going to take it to BIL but DS was so unhappy we left it with PIL instead (BIL is 25 mins further on from PIL’s house). Another reason we wouldn’t have wanted to just say hello for five mins is because it never is five mins with anyone. Even with my own family I get dragged into staying longer and feeling like I need to oblige even if DS is cranky, too much of a people pleaser which I am trying to work on. I often drop things on my DM’s doorstep and I don’t even text her to tell her it’s there I just trust that she’ll find it

In terms of the things MIL says which I don’t feel she considers how they land, generally speaking she can be quite blunt. The comments aren’t usually aimed at me, and I genuinely don’t think she intends to be rude, but it creates the uncomfortable feeling. One example is a family member of DH’s who has significant learning difficulties. I am uncomfortable with PIL’s attitude to this person. I don’t feel they are empathetic or very kind in how they talk about them, their language isn’t very PC, but they have also said things about how they hope there is no expectation for them to step up and help when this person’s guardian dies because they certainly won’t be helping etc that has made me think, what if it turns out that DS has some learning difficulties, will they then want to cut themselves off from him?

We did go to the zoo recently, but when we arrived it turned out FIL was on crutches, so we spent most of the time in the cafe. It wasn’t a great day to be honest, DS didn’t want to be in the buggy if we were stationary and trying to occupy a crawling toddler in a busy cafe is quite hard going. And it cost an eye watering amount to get in. We had hoped a day out with PIL might change the dynamic a bit which is why we suggested that. But in reality that didn’t work out. The standard visit otherwise is sitting in one of our living rooms having coffee, which I guess we will default back to. I am sure you all know what it’s like with copious cups of hot coffee and a toddler on the loose, it’s just feels easier to do something a bit more informal and casual sometimes. I think that dynamic works for PIL but not for us, and we were hoping to find something that works a bit better for us too.

I will come back to this thread later but have to head out now.

Sometimes as grandparents it's hard to strike the right balance between keeping in touch and intruding. I send WhatsApp messages which can be responded to when it's convenient for my adult children.

As for the zoo, your parents-in-law could have stayed in the café but there's no reason why you needed to. I think you should have taken your son round, seen the animals, taken some photos then met them in the café later and shared the day that way.
It really is for the adults to adapt to the needs of such a small child. Don't be afraid to be assertive and state what will work best another time.
And yes, I've been there ?

Nansnet what an excellent post. Very good advice which I hope OP will heed. Life is what you make it.

Hi Pumpkin what a shame the trip to the zoo wasn't a success due to your f.i.l.'s relative immobility. Don't worry about being a bit more assertive. As V3ra has posted, you could have taken your son round on your own after you'd spent time with your p's.i.l. in the cafe.

You say you can get drawn into staying longer with your own family than you intend. Have in your mind how long you want to stay before you arrive and make it clear as soon as you do, for example 'I must leave at 3.00pm today'.

Some people are severely lacking when it comes to empathy aren't they however them saying they wouldn't step up to care for a family member with significant learning difficulties is one thing. You worrying that they would want to cut them off from your son if he were to have issues, is something else entirely.

They're your son's GP's. Being a guardian to someone as you describe is a whole other ball game.

I hope you and your H will be able to find a dynamic that works as well for you as it does his parents. You want to find a better way and that's the most important first step.

As a parent I think complaining about one sibling to the other is wrong on so many levels

You mention that your husband is not very sociable and that your parents-in-law don't just "pop" in.

You know these two facts tell me very clearly that if you want to see your in-laws, or want them to see your son, then YOU need to start inviting them.

Next problem MIL can be abrasive - yes, well, most people can. Would you feel the same about the remarks if they came from a woman who was not your mother-in-law?

Or is the relationship the reason you find her remarks hurtful?

They may well be hurtful or inconsiderate - my own mother was expert in that field. My sister and I learned to handle it by telling her in a kind, joking tone of voice that she was too much.

We said things like, "That was so kind of you" although on the occasion of mum's 75 birthday when she greeted my sister with "What have you done to your hair`" my sister having spent money she could ill afford at the hairdresser's, I did actually ask my mother if she ever thought before she spoke?

Unfortunately, ALL mothers and mothers-in-law feel entitled to give unwanted advice and criticism to a daughter or daughter-in-law who is a young mother.

The years that have elapsed since they were young, unsure, new mothers have clouded their memory of what it actually felt like.

But this does not mean you have to take it - smile, if you possible can and say things like, "Well, now I am confused, because my mum says the direct opposite, and advice from the health visitor, midwife, the other young mothers in my mother's group say something different again."

Or more simply, "Thanks for the advice, but your son and I have decided to do such-and-such."

You will be surprised what you can get away with if you can make a joke of things. A school-friend of mine said, after we were grown-up, to my mother, "You know, you are a most provoking woman!" with a big smile and she got away with that remark.

It really is for the adults to adapt to the needs of such a small child. Don't be afraid to be assertive and state what will work best another time.

I agree with this

Pumpkin I think the difference is between wanting to spend time with your in-laws and feeling obligated to.

From what you've shared, it seems you don't enjoy them as people. You don't have a relationship beyond their genetic ties to your husband and son. They don't seek you out as a person, nor you them. From what you've said, it sounds like you, your dh, your in-laws are operating from a place of obligation, 'this is what people are supposed to do, right?' vs 'I like/enjoy/care about this person and want to spend time with them.'

None of that makes anyone a bad person. It is what it is.

Some of your MIL's behaviour is unacceptable, imo. When she begins to complain, esp about your BIL, I would firmly say that you don't want to hear it, that you feel it's unkind to your BIL Me being me, I'd probably add, "I certainly hope you don't talk about DH and I behind our backs this way." because I really detest those games.

I'd make choices and plans based on what is best for your son. Everyone else could get on board, or make other plans for themselves.

they sound most unappealing.
and saying demeaning things about disabled people; you don't want your son to catch that kind of behaviour and attitudes, do you.
give them a wide swerve.
save your energy and attention for your own family.

OP, have you read this thread; you are young enough to make use of some of these. good luck.
www.gransnet.com/forums/aibu/1303145-Things-I-learnt-too-late-in-life?msgid=29026164

TBH there were times when I didn't want to spend time with Mr. S.'s parents. His mum was a difficult woman and we didn't get on for several years but I made the effort for his sake and in the end we became genuinely fond of one another.

What's best for the OP and her son needs to include her H too.
Our boys loved their GP's, enjoyed spending time with them and were both particularly close to their GM.

My mum wasn't always easy either but Mr. S. also made the effort. For me when your married it's no longer just about what you want is it and I think it's great that Pumpkin's looking for ways to manage this situation for the benefit of all concerned.

My MIL was also a difficult woman Smileless and like you I made the effort for my husband's sake and over time we developed a relationship that jogged along ok!

I think it is good that you are thinking about your husband and son within this situation Pumpkin as well as yourself.

Hand this off to your Husband. His parents, he should issue the invites of his choice, make arrangements for any interactions.