Relationship with in laws (I’m the DIL)

Your in-laws have shown their lack of interest in you and their grandchild.

Your husband isn't bothered by lack of contact.

Your MIL has said at least insensitive if downright guilt-inducing stuff - "how awful it was that we dropped the present and ran".

You don't feel comfortable with them when you do see them.

Summation: get on with your own life and lovely DS, they're nothing to you.

Millions of children get on just wonderfully without grandparents (many have GP's who've died before their birth!).

Leave it to their son to build a relationship if he wants to, which it appears he doesn't. You married him, not them.

I've been married 3 times - 1st P'sIL didn't give much of a sh*t about their own son and only cared if I came up to their standards pedigree wise. 2nd was Catholic - I never met her as she wouldn't acknowledge her son's divorce from his first wife. 3rd, like her son, was a total Gem. You play 'em how you find 'em.

Hope this is of some help! I've seen you got a few nasty, snippy, holier-than-thou replies. Ignore the judgemental t*ts.

mumofmadboys - super advice. ????????

I don't think there's any need for you to go out of your way Pumpkin. The occasional suggestion for a meet up would be nice at a time when your husband is available too.

A telephone call now and then, if that's a bit awkward just keep it short and sweet.

I agree that it isn't your sole responsibility that said if you want your child to have these GP's in his life it's worth a little effort to facilitate this even if it's only once in a while.

You posted about the time you had to just drop off a present and leave straight away because your son was upset, and how your m.i.l. mentioning this on more than one occasion puts your nose out of joint. Perhaps the fact she still mentions this is because her nose was put out of joint at the time.

As long as you are open to some form of contact, you wont be cutting them out of your H's and son's lives.

It appears from your OP that this is not a particularly close family. The don't seem to be that interested in your H, their son or their GC, or your H in them so them not being interested in you seems par for the cause.

Make a suggestion to get together, if they don't take you up on it, wait a while and make another one. That's all you can do but at least you'll know you've made the effort, then it's up to them isn't it.

After we got MiL moved to a council flat (to be closer to us!)DH never visited her at all. HE would bring her to our house for Christmas Day and that was all. I used to take her to doctor's appointments, do her shopping and collect her prescriptions. After she was moved to a care home he never visited her at all. She never seemed that bothered about seeing him either. She occasionally asked how he was but that was all. It was just the way they were.

I do agree with everyone saying it's down to husband and his parents but Pumpkin doesn't seem happy in the middle of that and seems to want to try...

Definitely shouldn't be doing it alone though when MIL makes comments that are upsetting

ElaineI

Cafe not saying her responsibility but someone has to make first move. Should be her husband but maybe he won't. If that was rebuffed then just leave it. Life is too short!
As for dropping things off, we have had to do this and had things dropped off on our doorstep for Covid regulations - different counties, different rules. No one got offended as it was the current rules.

I think the first move needs to be made by either the husband or his parents.

I really don't understand how maintaining, or in this case, repairing a relationship should be on the newest family member's shoulders.

From what the OP has said, her husband has not had a great relationship with his parents. I mean, talking on the phone once in twelve years?! It seems, however, that the expectations changed with the birth of their first child.

If the relationship isn't important enough for either the DH or his parents to step up and build, I fail to see why the OP should attempt to do so.

There's a big difference, imo, btwn being a barrier in a relationship and simply standing aside to allow the primary people sort it out or not, as the case may be.

I had the mother- in - law from hell. Google: My House; A memoir

eazybee

What is stopping you from inviting them to your house for a specific occasion, say a meal for a birthday? Many people are not good at just 'dropping in.'

Why could you not make time to actually deliver the birthday present personally? Dropping it off without even saying hello is hurtful.

Your four-month old son was distraught because you couldn't go in, yet he has only seen them five times in his life?
What an odd post.

I thought they couldn’t go in because child was distraught…..not other way round !!

How often does your dh call your parents? Makes plans to meet them?

Let dh coordinate the relationship with his parents.
You drop the rope

Cafe not saying her responsibility but someone has to make first move. Should be her husband but maybe he won't. If that was rebuffed then just leave it. Life is too short!
As for dropping things off, we have had to do this and had things dropped off on our doorstep for Covid regulations - different counties, different rules. No one got offended as it was the current rules.

I would keep contact to say once every 3 months just so your child knows who the grand parents are. It is so easy to see what people are not doing and honestly life is too short.

Could you consciously think to show a kindness to them once a week or once a fortnight? Such as drop in, phone them, send a friendly text or a photo/ video of your DS, invite them for a meal, ask if you can drop in? Perhaps family relationships just need oiling a bit ? Hole things improve for you.

If your husband feels like his parents have expectations to meet, then he should make the effort to do so.

I don’t understand why this is all on you.

There’s lots of us who would have welcomed the in laws not bothering to be honest. Most people...when they have problems with the husband’s mother, as it so often is....it’s too much involvement and interference.

I always think the adults in the situation don’t matter, whatever the problem. Your child and his welfare are paramount.

Let your husband sort them out. They are his parents. If he can’t be bothered, why should you?

Seems like your husband and his family have a distant an uncomfortable relationship. Your MIL says things that land badly. DH thinks his parents won't be impressed if you don't perform as they expect. They make no effort with you. MIL 'rubbing it in' about dropping the parcel off is a way of making you feel bad and blaming you for lack of contact about which she does nothing - this is a tool for manipulation.

Your husband doesn't feel the need to contact them much and has demonstrated this by his actions over all the years you've been together. This distance and friction is obviously the pattern of their lives. You shouldn't feel that you're the DIL who has cut your son off from his grandparents because you're not. It's just the way things are in your husband's family.

You can't make a relationship with people who are incapable or unwilling. I spent decades wanting things to be 'nice' with some members of my family, but it wasn't what they wanted or were able to give. I only felt free from doing more than my share of the running once they'd died and, please forgive me, the relief was intense. I wish I'd let it drift many years before as every effort I made to make it nice was a moment of my life wasted.

You, DH and your dear new baby seem a happy, solid little unit. You've been welcoming to your laws and have left the door open for them.... if they choose not to walk through it then that is up to them.

Pumpkin something has definitely gone wrong here, they seem to have needs when it comes to the relationship but aren't really doing anything themselves to bring you all closer.

Maybe you could sit with your husband and agree how often you would like to see them and then make an effort to make it happen.

Say it was once a month, then every month you and your husband could arrange a Saturday or Sunday that works with your schedule and invite them around for the afternoon and dinner.

If you invite them over and they do mention not seeing you often enough that's an opening for you to arrange a visit to them "when are you free? We would love to come visit".

With MIL making unhelpful comments which is hard to judge as you don't say what they are, as long as you visit with husband, hopefully she won't do that and if she does, he will be there to shut it down.

If it doesn't work out and they don't take up your invitations or say upsetting things and you have to leave, at least you know you tried.

eazybee - my understanding of OP was that 4 month old was crying in car and they wanted to get home to sort him out as soon as possible. Which is why they didn't stop to go in and give present personally.

I think every time your husband or inlaws mention not seeing each other enough you need to put in back in their court - just keep repeating "lovely, you and DH must arrange something". Be open to seeing them, but put it back on them to organise. You haven't said anything to suggest they aren't nice people, so hopefully just a bit more making it obvious that they and DH need to be a bit more proactive and it should be solved.

I get this with people at work - they keep telling me what needs to be done, but not doing it!

What is stopping you from inviting them to your house for a specific occasion, say a meal for a birthday? Many people are not good at just 'dropping in.'

Why could you not make time to actually deliver the birthday present personally? Dropping it off without even saying hello is hurtful.

Your four-month old son was distraught because you couldn't go in, yet he has only seen them five times in his life?
What an odd post.

It rather sounds like the GPs are giving you “space”, either you or your husband need to organize a get together of some kind, a birthday would be ideal.

ElaineI, but why is she responsible for doing that? Why can't the GPs ask to come for a walk, or invite HER for tea? It sounds like OP has reached out and it's not reciprocated. She's clearly tried. Once you've tried, it's okay to step back and leave it to their son (her DH).

They are what they are. Uncommunicative and reserved by the sound of it. I don’t think you will ever break that down and have a chummy chummy relationship with them. Of course you feel less tolerant - you have a dear little boy that you love and whilst you may put up with things for yourself you won’t for him.

All you can do is keep trying but if they don’t respond it is not your fault. Really your dh should talk to his parents but he and they seem equally uncommunicative with each other so maybe that was how he was brought up. Ask him. Their relationship or lack of it seems core.

Covid has not helped either - perhaps they have been afraid of the risk to themselves and to baby. Maybe they just don’t find small babies interesting. Once ds is running around and talking etc they may want to be more interactive. Do they have a mobile phone? If you can get them on WhatsApp you could send lots of photos and videos which wouldn’t take too much time but which would involve them. If you could all get together occasionally that would probably help too. Remember there is always a middle path and good luck.

Can't you just ask them for tea or something? Or to go for a walk in a park and have coffee? Our son and fiancee don't have children so can't comment on the aspect of being a MIL but DD1 and DSiL we contact and they contact us very frequently. We and other grandparents see them at least once a week and do childcare at least once a week. DD2 left her son's father - drugs, abuse, debt, fillth etc when baby was 9 weeks so we were kind of DGS2 other parents. She and baby stayed with us while DH and DSiL were clearing house and making it fit to live in and we see her and DGS2 at least twice a week. One day childcare now he is at nursery. He doesn't see his father just now and other GP live abroad. In your case no point forcing it but an occasional walk or meal might start off a relationship.

nanna8

I’m not quite sure what you want. More contact, less contact, more friendliness and love on both sides, a casual relationship, a close relationship?

She possibly just wants to know where she stands and that seems fair enough to me,

MissAdventure

All I can say is that it doesn't matter what suggestions any grandparent here has, as they will be wrong.
The experts will be along to tell you that, no doubt, in due course.

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