Have paternal grans always been less involved with their grandchildren than maternal grans?

Yes !

As a paternal grandmother I was lucky to have retired at the time my granddaughter was born so offered to mind her one day a week. Her other grandparents still worked so could not give this service. As a result I bonded well with both granddaughter and daughter in law. My grandson was born 3 years later and I did the same care. Similarly I have a great bond with him. I took them both to swimming lessons and conversations in the car were second to none. My daughter in law and son appreciate everything I have done for them.
I am lucky.

I relied heavily on my Mum with my children, as she knew me and trusted me andthechoices we are away couple.

Sadly their paternal gran was a sadly comedic fashion MIL. She came to our home, and was critical of our home, furnishings, cleanliness, parenting style, cooking etc. Only ever when my new husband wasn't at home. So I never trusted or relied on her. Eventually she tried it again, when she thought hubby was at work, but he had flu...and heard it all.

I said I didn't want her in our home and he agreed. She was asked to leave and not return, although we did still visit them. If she tried being nasty my OH simply looked at her and said ENOUGH.

tobyandsocks we are in a similar position as we live a five hour drive from our son and his family. DiL’s parent and siblings live very near them. We love them to bits but haven’t seen them for over two years, and we hardly ever get phone call We started with regular Zoom meetings but they petered out. Not our decision. They have said they will come for Christmas. Here’s hoping. Thinking of you. Xxx

We help.out a lot with our 2 grandsons, the children of our son. We are lucky that we live just 2 miles from them & can help out at very short notice since I'm retired & DH more or less so. The other GPS still both work & live further away. So for us, it's all about accessibility. It certainly isn't a competition- other GPS often stay over which we'd never need to do but we see the boys more often.

DIL and us were very close in the beginning but DS did something bad and she turned against his whole large extended family for 2 years. None of us were aware of it either but perhaps she thought we were. Then I was asked to look after DGS for a year while she worked part time. Contact continued throughout but she always disappeared when we visited. Any presents son's family or us bought for DGS were given away or donated to charity. One of her relatives told me this, but I had suspected it for a long time. DGS is now 11 and the last 2 years have been better for us visiting and our other 2 adult children but the rest of the family are totally excluded never invited or visited.
At present she is alienated from her mother so we are getting on better. She is very dominating to her mother and the lady has moved away because of it. She's never been like this with me, and although I do get on with her I really don't like her. I think she was definitely very close to her mother when DGS was small which really is how it should be.

I don't have a maternal mum and got no support and MIL is an alcoholic and had her son (my husband) removed as a child so no personal experience sadly

I just answered from what I've read people say in mum and baby groups

My MIL wasn’t involved at all, she couldn’t be bothered with her own children (5 of them!) or grandchildren. My DM helped occasionally but I was capable and just got on with it.

VioletSky

My honest answer based on what I read is the maternal mum is also interested in daughter and MIL is all about baby.

That's the biggest noticable difference see people talk about

Good lord!
I was very fortunate and happy to help out; my DIL’s parents are in Italy and obviously when they came over I was perfectly happy to step back. It’s a 200 mile round trip to my son’s, I was able to go as and when they asked. I was able to care for dgc1 when dgc2 was born, I stayed for 24 hours after and came home.
It’s never crossed my mind that the in laws and I are in any form of competition, we get on well when we meet. Perhaps we are the exception?

3 Sons and 3 DIL's......4 Grandchildren.....and we can honestly say we have always and continue to be the OUT laws.....we have never done or said a wrong word as we are very aware of the dynamics of in-laws.....the DIL's parents and families have always come 1st.....we have so much time and love to give....what a waste.....shed many tears over it...

I suppose, ideally, if all grandparents offer support, don't make it a competition, and are sensitive to how much their presence is really wanted, we'd do pretty well. In our case, we're very lucky to get on with our two DILs very well and do care about them very much ( not just the babies/kids). The other grandparents if my older son's kids live hundreds of miles away. We get on very well with the "other grandparents" of my younger son's children -they happen to live a bit closer to them than we do so they see them a little more often. In fact, their "other granny" and I get on extremely well and are taking those 3 GC away together for a few days at Easter. I know it's not as amicable in all families - I'm very lucky!

Totally.

VioletSky

My honest answer based on what I read is the maternal mum is also interested in daughter and MIL is all about baby.

That's the biggest noticable difference see people talk about

Maybe the MIL is interested in the father and baby.

I find that my daughters really include me in. My son however, his wife wants him and the children all to herself. My daughters don't necessarily enjoy a close bond with their MILS but they are very inclusive. They understand that grandchildren are part of a bigger network that benefits them all. The DIL however would rather keep them all to themselves. Very tough pill to swallow. Not much you can do.

Perfect response!!!!

Excellent Chewbacca! I always wanted a sibling, now I have two!!!

Not the case for me, I've been trusted and involved from the beginning.

"But in my experience, I’m very much afraid that manipulation and cunning can be very helpful in creating a ‘favourite one’ too."

Well said, BazingaGranny, this is my experience, as well.
My attitude has always been that I don't want to play the game of favourites, but still I find one of my co-grans' behaviour to be thoughtless at best and sometimes the bragging has been very hurtful.
This is more to do with the personalities involved than anything inherent in the relationship.

I think paternal grandparents can have a close relationship with their in-laws and grandchildren. It depends on the r/ship with their dil I think

Triplets then MissA and German!

Chewbacca

I didn't make a generalisation.

I gave my honest answer based on what I have seen others give as reasons.

Others will have different experiences.

I said before that we we’re twins MissA!?

I can't stand babies!
Toddlers are fractionally better, 20 year olds the best.

My honest answer based on what I read is the maternal mum is also interested in daughter and MIL is all about baby

Mother in law is all about the baby??!! A sweeping generalisation right there. I'm a paternal grandmother and like many others, I'm not that comfortable with tiny babies; I'm better when they're a little older. I'm also able to recognise that if my DIL, as the main caregiver, isn't feeling happy and supported, that impacts on the whole family and so she was, and remains, my main concern. If DIL is happy; everyone is happy.

CafeAuLait

I didn't want my mother around and didn't need her help postpartum when my babies were born. She was welcome to visit though, as was MIL. I was quite capable.

The main difference in my MIL and mother's involvement with my children was that my mother was also interested in being involved with me. My mother also called and asked if she could come visit and had suggestions like, let's take the kids to the zoo together. My mother invited me to visit her at her home. My MIL never did any of those things which led to less involvement.

I did take the initiative thinking my MIL would like to be more involved, and invited her to have a regular visit monthly. She came the first month. Then she didn't. I thought it was going to be a standing arrangement but wasn't going to chase her each month. She either took me up on it or didn't. So that never happened.

I'm not interested in working out what is fair and making things even. I'm more interested in a natural relationship. I'm not going to count. If it worked out that I had a closer relationship with my MIL in the end, that's just how it would have happened.

I think yes, a more natural relationship does exist with your own mother, most of the time. That is why your son should organise time with his family. This is not on the DIL.

You wrote: "isn't the son also worthy of his family's support at this momentous time?" Well, of course. If he wants it. Though his role is really to support his wife as she establishes nursing and recovers physically from the birth. You can support him in how to do that best. A lot of the time my impression is that the MIL isn't so much interested in supporting her son as she is in having access to the baby. My MIL should feel free to come over and support her son. Me and baby will go catch a nap while she does that, after a quick catch up to say hello, of course.

It is certainly the case for me that I see far less on my grandson than my DIL's family
I find that hard as I am a widow and they have a large family
Problem is of course, if I make a scene it will not help me