Have paternal grans always been less involved with their grandchildren than maternal grans?

I remeber my mother telling me, after I had my first child, that I couldn't leave the house before my baby had been christened. Thank goodness he was christened very quickly!

Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.

There is nothing new in this. It has always been like that. That is why women were kept in bed for a fortnight after the event and didn't leave the house. Many cultures have rituals and behaviour patterns that are intended to just that.

OK, we do it differently now. our way is just another new set of rituals ot be added to the rest.

After my DIL had an emergency section and was quite unwell with an infected wound, it was DH and I, whom she asked for support with the new baby.
My son was dealing with major stress in his business and we were happy to support them. It helped us to build a very strong bond with our darling granddaughter.

Her own parents, although living close to her, were too busy running about after their other, very demanding daughter.
I know she really wanted her mum, but I just kept my thoughts about her uncaring mother to myself. She was upset enough. She doesn't know the half of it and I will never tell her, nor my son. They are still her parents and she loves them, regardless of their selfish behaviour.

We also ended up doing the bulk of childcare, when she returned to work. My own MIL (my mother's neighbour) had so many grandchildren, that her input was minimal, it was my mum who helped out whenever I was ill and that was a frequent occurrence.

freedomfromthepast

Lucca

*Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.
Their needs become primary and everybody else's wants do not matter*

A bit precious……..

Why is that considered precious Lucca?

This was me then...35 years ago. So nothing new, applicable to most people I should think.

MissAdventure

It's different for every family, because every family is different.

Absolutely.

But if I had to generalise, I would say that because most of the time it’s the mother who does the most childcare it’s likely that she will spend more time with her own parents.

If the father was doing most of the childcare he’d probably see more of his parents.

I’m not a granny, so observing from a distance, I find this “my share” of little person quite disturbing.

I’d say the situation today is no different from previous times - depends on family and circumstances.

I only had a relationship with paternal GM as maternal one was dead. My own children probably had a better relationship with their paternal grandparents, despite seeing them less often, as my parents were older and less able.

From what I can see, my own GC have good relationships with their paternal grandparents. At the moment, due to circumstances, I can provide more practical help.

In larger families it’s not only grandparents who may be involved - uncles and aunts on both sides may play a role in helping out when needed and having a relationship with their nieces and nephews.

As others have said, families are different and one can’t generalise.

Lucca

*Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.
Their needs become primary and everybody else's wants do not matter*

A bit precious……..

Why is that considered precious Lucca?

Not the same thing, because it was almost 50 years ago, but I had an incredibly close relationship with my paternal grandparents and only a very limited, remote one with my maternal grandparents.

I'm the maternal GM now and am closer even to my GS than I was with my GM. But his father's GP don't know about him so there is only me. Just as well I'm devoted!

My mother died when my older child was a baby so my children only had a paternal grandmother, who they saw every week.
I am a paternal grandmother and see the children much more often than their maternal grandmother. I am retired and she is still working. My son is separated so the children come here when he has them.

Yes lucca, I am very precious

*Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.
Their needs become primary and everybody else's wants do not matter*

A bit precious……..

Mine, all but one, lived 150 miles away. The first GD lived close by so I saw a lot of her. After graduation, she moved to live with her dad and step family. The other GPs were all at a distance too. In my opinion, their parents all did a great job with little Grandparent input. Believe it or not, that is possible!

It's different for every family, because every family is different.

No, it is not true.
Several things have to be taken into account - all generally speaking and of course not every family works this way

1. The education in the west generally promotes more closeness with daughters than sons, therefore when they grow up, the sons dont call for mom as often as daughters

2. Adults now are much more independent than previous generations, getting the information needed from docs, internet, peers, etc., not relying on the family elders

3. Families now do think "accepting help" isn't choice and can say no

4. Past relationship with parents will lead the relationship when kids come - not where the dna comes from (paternal or maternal side)

5. Women now reject the concept of social secretary, so the paternal side gets left behind if the son does not take care of that.

6. The concept of family has also changed. Core family is protected and grandparents are extended
Family events such as weddings, birth of children, where to live, etc.- are private for input only in the core family

7. Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.
Their needs become primary and everybody else's wants do not matter.

Not this one (me!). I was very much involved with all my grandchildren and never had any problems with the other grandparents.

Doesn’t a lot depend on the mother in law/daughter in law relationship, distance and other circumstances? My paternal grandmother openly admitted she didn’t like babies and small children - they had a nanny - and I probably saw her once a year though she didn’t live far away and I know my mum did her best with a very difficult and tactless mother in law. My maternal grandmother was the exact opposite. I don’t think things should become a ‘who’s the best granny’ competition but it often seems that way on GN, with grandparents complaining they don’t get their fair share. I guess I don’t understand this whole dependency on grandchildren thing, full stop.

Unfortunately I am my dgs only grandmother as his other dgm died 3 months after he was born even though she was much younger than me. She was very close to her dds children and did a lot with them until she died at the age of 57.

My sil does not have much in common with his df but dgs sees him about every 6 weeks. Dh and I live 4 minutes walk from our dd and we look after dgs up to 3 mornings and evenings a week (sil works shifts) and we hope that we make up for the lack of his other dgm. My dh is called silly papa by dgs which shows the kind of relationship they have!

It depends on individual family set ups and how grandparents view their role in their grandchildren's lives. There are those who are hell bent on becoming a "professional grandparent" before the baby arrives. Many of us have read the testaments of both daughters and daughters in law to know that some grandparents will not take a back seat. hence all the "time alone with grandchild" threads we see on here and many more of that nature over on MN. We did have those times from babyhood but at the parents request for babysitting which we were happy to do. Similarly there are those grandparents who have a far greater input thrust upon them for various reasons and possibly play a far greater role than they feel they would like or feel able to do.

As a paternal grandparent, I do feel part of the B team at times, but on the other hand we would not for example have wanted to take our grandchildren on a two week holiday, which is what the other side have done on several occasions. Good grief having done that once as parents, when children grow up and no longer want to be taken away, that was our time to have the adult holidays we wanted. I'm glad to see our grandchildren as often as we are able to which has and still is fairly regular, for example they will be coming to us this week end from Friday afternoon through till Sunday early evening, we saw them for that duration about a month ago. I'm happy for the input we have with them my heart goes out to those grandparents who for whatever reason don't see their grandchildren it is a very special relationship, in some ways a lot less stressful than the ones we may experience with our own children.

When I was growing up we saw both sets of grandparents fairly regularly, but they belonged to a generation who didn't really do "hands on grandparenting" I remember we were sent to our maternal grandparents occasionally for overnight stays . We also stayed with them, along with our parents in the summer holidays in our early childhood as they retired to the Sussex coast. Later on when we were in our teens we went to stay with our paternal grandparents when our parents buggered off went to America on holiday and didn't want to take us clearly done with the expense of dragging not very interested children with them, annoyed at the time, but years later came to appreciate that stance!

I've not a clue as to how often my GC see their other GPs. Don't care either. I'll just happily take as much as I'm offered.

My mother was in a different country and my mother in law, who had trained as an infant nurse, lived about 30 mins away. She was well over 70 however, so we didn't take advantage of her much.

When my 4th DGC was due, I sat down with my DiL and her mother and asked if she would like one of us to come and be with her (they lived in California but she was home for a bit). We amicably agreed that I should go over as the other grandmother had no more holiday from work that year. Also she didn't feel confident enough to do it on her own because her English isn't very good.

Actually, the other grandmother isn't a very maternal type - she didn't really want children, by her own admittance. Now she is retired, she does enjoy the little ones, though. The maternal grandfather is a picture book granddad; so is my DH - they are very lucky kids! My daughters in law have always been very fair and I have never felt any rivalry.

Neither of my grandmothers ever had anything to do with our upbringing. My maternal grandmother taught me to play cribbage - that was about it.

As paternal grandparents we were able to give far more practical support to the whole family, in many different ways. This was not the norm in our circle of friends. The payback was a really close relationship with our grandson. We overheard him once saying to his friend “They’re my sort of second parents”. Now he is in his first year at Uni and we are glad that we had that relationship.

My granddaughter has only one set of grandparents, me and OH. My son’s partner’s father died years ago. Her mother was still alive when my granddaughter was born, but sadly had dementia. Extra sad as I live more than an hour away and the other grandmother 10 minutes. Obviously she could never look after a baby - my son said five minutes was the longest she could be left alone with a child, let alone a newborn. Now it’s just OH and I. It would be lovely if we lived nearer but that’s how it is. We do our best to help out and just a couple of weeks ago I stayed over for half term and took my granddaughter out.

What a lovely relationship you have with your DIL, SpanielNanny. I wish I'd been able to have the same with my MIL but it couldn't be.

Nurseryrhyme, my MIL was brilliant, although in her eighties, she'd sit on the floor and play Lego with the kids. She was great company.

My own mother was not welcome, apart from the odd, brief, accompanied visit - when she'd feel compelled to tell us we were doing everything wrong. Thankfully, she didn't like babies or kids so didn't stay long.

So, it all depends on family dynamics, but I never felt the need for extra help - or that it was a 'momentous' time - even with the fourth.

You’re always going to get people for whom this experience isn’t the case, but I think you’re right, generally, in my experience, and it is only my experience.....paternal grandparents take second place.

I’m blessed enough to see it from both sides, having two daughters and two DIL’s. One of my DIL’s always looked upon me as her mum, because her own wasn’t great. The other one, although clearly loves us...puts her family first.

You read it on here, and I’ve encountered it through friends. It doesn’t mean the paternal grandparents have nothing, just that they don’t get called first. Understandably I would think.

For the record...I didn’t want either mum or MIL.Both were not real help, and I didn’t particularly need it.