Piggy in the middle[again]

I'd would say, ok you do your own christmas and we will do ours. Yes it is your son but you have been swayed (once again?) that you will again be the baddie. sorry would not do for me. I lost my dad last year and time is precious. Sorry but that's what I would do

Granny Square I LOVED your post - particularly the Harumph! You echoed everything I think and I couldn't have expressed it as well.

TBH I feel outraged - sorry but I really do. And yes, definitely would be rethinking my childminding responsibilities.

I so feel for you, OP - please come back and let us know the outcome - and know, FWIW that the Wise Grans have your back

It's up to Your sons he is a grownup to tell his Grandparents... I completely get Why he and wife would be apprehensive however he needs to be honest and certainly no need to be aggressive when explaining...Perhaps they could do Facetime or messenger on the day .
Take care

My 2 yr old grandaughter and her little sister of 6 weeks have just had Covid.
We have absolutely no idea how. Everyone else tested negative using PCRs
They have got over it okay although the 2 yr old seems to have gone off food totally apart from a few items of fruit.
Although she is only just 2 she did tell her mummy one day "But I can't smell it Mummy," so I do wonder if she lost her sense of taste too and it hasn't returned yet. She is now negative.
Personally, I would be much more worried about my 92 yr old mum than any of my 7 grandchildren.

Everyone is entitled to their own decisions over this Covid and Christmas issue - equally they are entitled to deliver their decisions themselves!! Your son really must take responsibility here. Is he a man or a ? . Sorry, that sounds rude, but honestly, I despair at the feebleness of the younger males of our species these days! This is why there are so many single parent families with only Mum at the head. They are fed up of having to look after the "men" as well!! Merry Christmas to you all in whatever form yours takes!

Everyone has different relations to risk. Your son and his wife obviously have a higher aversion to it than your parents.
Your son can choose whatever he wants to do, his house his rules.
I have no clue what the relationship is between you all but if it has generally been good then would it not be easier just to let your son and his wife know that you respect their decision.
Then tell them that you will be spending the day with your parents so that they can enjoy the day safely without any Covid stress. I understand that you would like to spend the day with your grandchildren but there will be next year.
Have a lovely special day/meal at Easter instead.

I'm so sorry for you, what an awkward situation for you. But, tbh, it is your SON'S RESPONSIBILITY, he is an adult so why should he dump it on you?
Stick your ground, tell him it's his decision so HE can tell his grandparents!!!
And I wish you the very best for Christmas, without feelings of being put upon or being piggy in the middle! xx

Harrumph!

Basic good manners are that if your son rescinds an invitation, he does it himself. So, before you pass the parcel back to him, have a think about what is going on, give your self time to pause & reflect. Then tell him directly & with no equivocation to be an adult & tell them himself.

Sorry to hear that your son & his wife had such an awful experience & understandably they are cautious. Stuff happens in life & in time they will need to come to terms with this otherwise the risk is that their fear will be passed on & restrict their children’s lives. If he speaks directly with his grandparents, then that is honest & direct.

Covid difference of opinion - no appealing to either side at this late stage.

Prepare to have a lively Christmas with your parents, make the most of your time with them. They will not be with you forever, however vaxxed & lively they are these days.

Should your son & DiL persist in not addressing their fears - I am not saying that they ignore their feelings or throw all common sense away - particularly in light of rational Covid risks as we go along, then I suggest that you reconsider how much of your own time you give to them e.g. childcare etc.

Sounds harsh? Disproportionate? Not really, because we all have to learn, throughout our lives, that other people have conflicting or competing priorities & that we all negotiate with each other all the time.

We are all adjusting as we go, & your priority is to put yourself first. Your child is now a fully fledged adult, let him do things his way, & you adjust your offer so that your needs are prioritised.

It is a curious piece of doublethink that you have manage your life that you are fit & Covid free to meet their childcare arrangements, but your parents who are vaxxed/low risk can be barred.

‘Hey Son, telling you direct in advance, I can no longer manage my life so that I meet your Covid avoiding childcare requirements. Plenty of nurseries nearby for you to use’.

Bear in mind, should you, or your OH/one of your parents need extra care support & you chose to meet this need, likely you’d drop the childcare arrangement.

Piggy in the middle? You are the only person who can make a change, adjust what you offer & see how things pan out.

I can only assume your son is not a fan of your parents, which they obviously don't realise.
What a horrible situation to be in.

It's easy to say none of this is your problem, but I do understand that sometimes you have to try to keep the peace, just because your find the drama of it all coming out, worse.

I have been in that situation a few times before, and it honestly made my life frightening..

I think I would spend Christmas with my parents to be honest.
Or morning with your son, afternoon with the parents.

Would your son still want you to childmind after that?

I feel I have to add that I don’t think your own parents are being in any way unreasonable No one has stated that they aren’t jabbed or willing to wear masks if it’s safe for you to visit your son it’s safe for your parents to do the same. Please think about your parents more carefully, who knows how many more Christmases you might have them with you. Is your son your only child ? I’m assuming as you child mind once a week both of them are working ?? Such an awful sad situation and as an outsider I’m sorry but your son and daughter in law seem paranoid and selfish ! Sorry if that sounds harsh !

joanna reading all your comments...

Would it be fair to say your son doesn't like his grandparents? From your description they don't sound very reasonable.

Maybe it is time to stop being in the middle of this relationship nd stop trying to hold everyone together so that you aren't put in this position.

Let your son and parents sort their own relationships out, it shouldn't be your job

Hi Joanna - one of my son’s children is profoundly disabled. She is not eligible yet for a vaccine as she is 11. Naturally they have had to be very careful. She has 3 siblings- all of whom have had Covid. They are coming here on Boxing Day - my other children and grandchildren will be here. They have all been vaccinated, as have we - we are both clinically extremely vulnerable according to the Health minister - not that this has changed a thing!! However, we are all going to do a test on Boxing Day before they come - hopefully all negative- if not - they won’t come. Could your family do the same and have a test?

This is really OTT if you’re all vaccinated and have had boosters. Given that that’s the case, you and your parents are still the ones most at risk from Covid, not the children or their parents. I agree that if this is what your son and his wife want, then he should be the one to tell your parents, and not put you in such an awful situation. If it’s not too late, consider changing your plans to spend Christmas with your parents instead - you can always leave any gifts for your son and his family on their doorstep.

I feel for you stuck in the middle like this, but I am with your parents to be frank. They are elderly and vaccinated and want to spend their lives living not cowering outside people's houses on Christmas day. The risks here are; your parents health ( either covid, sadness or a chill), you (same, plus being stuck in the middle), not your son or grandchildren. Although the illness of your eldest grandchild 2 years ago was distressing and terrifying, it does not mean that everyone in the family has to pander to what is an obsession, at the risk of their own health. Spend Christmas with your parents and tell your son that he can collect presents from outside and then return to his home, I would also be reviewing child minding. The crap that some people put up with from their adult children astonishes me.

Some of these comments aren’t helpful, or kind. It’s entirely up to your son and wife to decide what risks they feel comfortable with, no one else’s business, whatever they may think. People who ‘gad about’ have to expect that others will understandably want to keep some distance.
Hope it isn’t as difficult as you expect Joanna.

Your son and daughter in law's responsibility is to protect their children. Your parents can participate in Christmas festivities via Zoom, as many families are doing during this pandemic. It is selfish of your parents to insist on seeing their great grandchildren, or protesting when your son (or you) explain their decision to limit social contacts. Given Omicron spreading at break neck speed, I would think your parents would understand and wish to protect their great grandchildren (and themselves).

"But my parents as someone said do gadd about,and have never understand my son's decisions and I have had non stop chatter from them,I have a feeling it will be my dad's last Xmas just by looking at him and it will break his heart,they are happy to have them up to their house and sit outside just until we know where we are with the new varient but it cold for them and another door step Xmas will not go down well.I know my parents are love the children/grandson to bits they just don't understand the seriousness of the virus,it's everyone else's fault not theirs,mum especially has turned into a hard to say but nastyperson.SoI am really torn over this,and just so tired of always being the bearer of bad news.x"

Your parents do not have to understand your son's decision, but to respect it.

As for poasibly being your father's last xmas, you never know what expiration date anybody has
Plus that is a manipulative move if you mention it to force a visit

So your parents minimize covid, it is everybody else's fault, your mother is not the most pleasant person to deal with, dont respect your son and family's stand on covid.....

Yes, it is cold, but their wants are not priority for everybody to follow.

Team son.

This is less about covid but more about the unreasonable expectations your parents have.

I still cannot believe that moving xmas, when the 4 year old is looking forward to it, was even mentioned.

"No, 4 year old, you cannot open your presents yet as your great GPs are not here to see you open them so let's wait for a few weeks till omicron blows over"

Just plain bananas.

Good lord ! What a terrible situation for you all, but especially you ! I agree your son should speak to his grandparents himself, if your parents and yourself are triple jabbed whilst I understand your son and DiL concern, they really really need to take a step back, having a child unexpectedly very unwell and losing your parents unexpectedly is awful and I feel for your DiL, but you certainly should not have to see your own parents outside ! It’s ridiculous Your son & DiL can make any rules they like about entry to their own home but haven’t got the right to demand that you don’t enter your own parents home, I mean really ! I think your DiL is possibly very anxious and needs to seek help. Wrapping your children up in cotton wool doesn’t help anyone long term Good luck x

It is entirely your son’s decision and having nearly lost their child I can understand the decision they have made, however over cautious it may or may not be. But he really should be the one to tell his grandparents not up to you to appease them.
It may be a difficult situation but it will end and you cannot take responsibility for your parents actions .
If I were you I would declare a day in summer when, at the very least, we should be able to meet outside , as your official 60th birthday and put yourself first for once

You can only play piggy in the middle if you choose to

You can tell your son to manage his relationship with his GPs and keep you out.
You can choose to tell your son to tell his GPs not to come.

Looks like your parents invited themselves for the xmas day visit, who gave them that idea?
Have they invited themselves before?

"in last visit about six weeks ago just to the kitchen and my son and his wife upstairs just so they could see the children,so now they think they can do tat again xmas day masked up as well,"

How are your parents odd about covid? It is not the first time that different family covid sense of awareness creates issues

Secondly, the idea to move xmas for the sake of your parents is bananas to suggest and just to think of it as a solution. Totally unreasknable.
How did your son react when it was mentioned?

It looks like you are asking your son and family to prioritize your parents vs their core family

Your parents can control their own feelings of dissatisfaction about this xmas, knowing their gs is trying to do the best for his family.
If not, that is the problem

"if he can contact his grandparents to tell them may come better from him,maybe we could move xmas a few weeks for present opening with the children who know where we will be in say a month,trying all ways to make this not so bad for everyone but know there is no real answer."

You seem very enmeshed in your parents' lives, as if you do not have your own standards.

Is your son and family overreacting? Given the background, I can understand why.
Even though if we all tell you 100% that they are unreasonable, it doesn't solve your problem.

Joanne12. You won't change either the opinions of you parents or son & dil but they seem to have left it to you to sort out.
Instead of your older parents standing outside your son's house in the cold, could your s & dil possibly take the children around to 'doorstep' your parents? Wrapped up warmly the children shouldn't feel the cold so much as older people and even an hour would mean so much to your parents.

Face time maybe?
Your son is making the choice for his family and I can’t blame him with nearly losing a child
Your parents are making the choice of not taking it seriously so I don’t blame your son
I’d go and visit the parents in the morning then spend the day with my son and the children

Reading between the lines it sounds as if the op’s parents and her son have very little relationship other than what is maintained through op. Sounds like the grandmother isn’t particularly nice and that the op’s son wouldn’t have a relationship with them if he had a choice.
Normally I’d say if the son only has a relationship with them to please op, that op should be the one to bear the news. But given op offers childcare which is a big responsibility in itself, op’s son should step up here an so relieve her of this burden and task.
Op if you are still reading, tell your son how stressful this is, and that though it’s his decision to make and understandable it’s spoiling your Christmas from the stress and would he mind telling them for you.

He's letting you in, but not his grandparents....I'm sure they will be so disappointed. Tell him to do his own dirty work and tell them himself.

Its their choice but why do YOU have to be the bearer of bad news. Tell son and wife to talk to GP's directly!