Nasty and unfeeling Son

Chewbacca

^He’s terminally ill, there’s his own mortality staring him in the face.^

Sorry, have I missed something BlueBalou? Is the OP's son terminally ill?

I think it’s OP’s sister who is terminally ill.

No it’s his aunt. I do wish people would read posts properly before having their tuppence worth.

I don’t think any of us can judge how people react/ respond to things...ever, let alone in these difficult times. They’re adults.
It sounds like he’s going to the funeral, just not anything afterwards. Perfectly reasonable I think.

The fact that he’s not always pleasant is a separate thing, but only you could know how/ why he’s turned out like this.

I would leave him alone, and ask he gives you the same respect.

So sorry to hear about your nephew. He was very young ?

surely, only Terminally Ill, in the same way as we all are. Only sure thing in life is Death!!!

Cannot understand the OP crying all night about any of this. Obviously, she is grieving both for her nephew and also with regard to her sick sister. But, why is she risking her relationship with her son in this way.

Honestly, the remarks about not being far behind, are the sort of black humour remark that lots of people might throw out.

Anytime, I mention anything happening next year or later, I always make the comment that it is 'assuming I am still around then'.

He’s terminally ill, there’s his own mortality staring him in the face.

Sorry, have I missed something BlueBalou? Is the OP's son terminally ill?

M0nica

i doubt he was unfeeling, more likely struggling wth his own emotional responses to this death.

Some people find it very difficult to cope with the deaths of those they know or once knew well. It confronts them with their own mortality. And he is not just facing the death of his cousin, but as you say, his aunt is terminally ill.

The same applies to his comments to you. He probably seems himself suddenly as being on death row; his cousin, in his 50s and close to him in age, has died following a heart attack, his aunt is dying, and he turns and his parents are in their 70s, and for the first time he has had to face the fact that you, too, are mortal.

All of us react differently to death. Some grieve openly and emotionally, some turn in on themselves. I am one of three sisters. When my younger sister died, my youngest sister isolated herself from everyone for about three months, and as she later admitted, took to the bottle in that period. I talked openly and continuously about my loss. Both of us were equally grief struck by the loss we had suffered, but we grieved differently.

So reach out to your son. he is as traumatised as you are, his cousin's death and his aunnt's illness has probably left him realising that the life of everyone he knows and loves is ubcertain including your own - and he is frightened.

I imagine this is how it is too. He’s terminally ill, there’s his own mortality staring him in the face and he’s struggling with coping with the pain and emotions he’s feeling as well as everybody else’s.
He’s not nasty or unfeeling. Just because he isn’t expressing what you think he should be doesn’t make him that.
He’s probably considering that the next funeral could be his own and perhaps it’s a bit too much.
Give him a hug and stop judging him.
For what it’s worth I hate funerals and cremations too.

I'm sorry that you're so upset about this over60plus but I can sort of understand how your son feels about attending the actual funeral service, but not the family gathering afterwards. He's confirmed that he'll be paying his respects to his cousin by attending the funeral service but, as others have suggested, maybe the wake afterwards is too much for him to cope with; I'm not comfortable with them either but that's ok because we all grieve differently. His comment to you about your ages, however, was unkind and unnecessary. Please stop crying.

Going to a funeral is just a convention for the family that are left behind, not going doesn’t mean you don’t care a lot of people don’t like getting emotional in front of others.

Not sure why you are crying all night though ( like a few other recent Grans seem to be at the moment)

Funerals don't mean the same to everyone. He may prefer to be more private in processing his grief, avoiding his emotions, dealing with a new sense of mortality, or find the formalities unnecessary. I have family members who will visit a cemetery because it means something to them, others who don't even go once because they don't feel the person is there and don't need that. Maybe he didn't phrase things as softly as he could have but maybe that has something to do with his own grief and the effect of pressure of expectation.

i doubt he was unfeeling, more likely struggling wth his own emotional responses to this death.

Some people find it very difficult to cope with the deaths of those they know or once knew well. It confronts them with their own mortality. And he is not just facing the death of his cousin, but as you say, his aunt is terminally ill.

The same applies to his comments to you. He probably seems himself suddenly as being on death row; his cousin, in his 50s and close to him in age, has died following a heart attack, his aunt is dying, and he turns and his parents are in their 70s, and for the first time he has had to face the fact that you, too, are mortal.

All of us react differently to death. Some grieve openly and emotionally, some turn in on themselves. I am one of three sisters. When my younger sister died, my youngest sister isolated herself from everyone for about three months, and as she later admitted, took to the bottle in that period. I talked openly and continuously about my loss. Both of us were equally grief struck by the loss we had suffered, but we grieved differently.

So reach out to your son. he is as traumatised as you are, his cousin's death and his aunnt's illness has probably left him realising that the life of everyone he knows and loves is ubcertain including your own - and he is frightened.

I would have found his remark about you and your dh not being far behind hurtful and uncaring.

But maybe he is just telling the truth. At least he is going. So, obviously has good manners.

It is a cousin, and although he may be a little shocked at the death, not sure why he should be very emotionally involved. Yes, they may have been close in childhood, but if we really got ourselves very emotionally involved with the deaths of anyone we had ever known and liked, we could find ourselves in a state of almost permanent depression.

My nephew died just before his 50th birthday (Cancer), in April 2020, not able to attend that funeral due to Covid laws. My son, who was six months his junior, had been close with this cousin during childhood, but had not had hardly anything to do with him for the past 35 years, would probably have attended the funeral - had he been allowed -but more out of respect for his Aunt and Uncle than from grief.
Cannot really see what you are upset about with regards to your son.

I agree with nanna8 some people just can’t cope with the emotion at funerals. He’s showing his respect by attending the actual funeral but that’s his limit. No need for you to be upset he’s doing the best he can.

He is very hard got a Son with 2 Grandchildren he’s never seen we have tried to resolve this but to no evail.
I really don’t think he like us his comment about age yesterday was very cutting we are both 75 he said you two won’t be far behind

Maybe he is one who doesn’t like to show emotion and this is his way of avoiding that ? Underneath he might care very deeply but he may not want you to see that. That is my immediate thought. A lot of people dislike funerals and find them too confronting.