My grandkids and my ex husband's mistress

The absolute priority is that you maintain a good relationship with your DD and GC. You must do all you can to achieve this. Nothing else matters.
Keep that at the forefront of your mind.

Gran32

Oops i wasted 10 mins of my time on that one!! I wonder if we'll get an update!

It is incredibly hard but as others have said, if you are fixed on visibly harbouring a grudge, you'll ultimately only hurt yourself. I don't think its as easy as "letting it go" but you can decide not to let the bitterness that you feel fester. You dont own your GC and at the end of the day if you really love your daughter and your GC you will do whatever it takes to foster grace and harmony. It hurts...it's unfair, but that is what happens when we really love our kids. Sorry i know its not what you what to hear. Moan and rant to your closest friends but dont bring toxicity into your family.

I didn't notice this thread is 3 years old🤣

Mariemal55 I'm sure it's very painful, but 11 years is a long time to be harbouring resentment. Your ex husband broke his vows but he's now married to her and that's it. That's the reality and it's up to your daughter how this proceeds. I'm shocked she wasn't at the wedding. Most split couple I know have had their new partners/ wife at their kids weddings. You may find some counselling will help you move on.

I have been divorced from the father of my three children for 30years, after a couple of years when things had settled down we both agreed that the children deserved both of us to act like adults, he remarried and I met his wife and we both made an effort so when ever there is any family get together we all go ,there has never been any ill feeling life is too short. I am now remarried and my ex and my husband get on very well which is lovely. It has been worth all the heartache and pain we went through for us all to be there for our children it makes life so much easier for everyone . I would add that my ex had several affaires which is why I divorced him so he was no angel but I am so glad we made the effort .

As other GNs here have poined out, it's your husband who should he blamed for behaving badly during your marriage - far, far more than the woman involved. To put it clearly - he owed you everything, while she owed you nothing. (While morally she behaved badly, it wasn't "personal". Presumably she didn't know you?) Please let go of this hatred and move on; as the child of divorced parents, I know how caustic this can be. (My parents are dead and I'm a pensioner & grandma now.) IMO your place as grandma can't be usurped!

I’m right there with you! (married 17 years). It’s been 18 years (divorced) and I am still physically ill at the thought of being around them at my grandkids birthdays. It opens all of those old wounds once again. We will never be one big happy family, and I’m ok with that. Your feelings are valid.

Adultery is never excusable except in rare cases. I've told my husband if I get dementia like my mom I absolutely encourage him to pursue relationships if he meets someone. Our kids know this

Cheating though, is right up there with stealing someone's inheritance or title theft, or any other situation where you harm someone through deception. Someone who does this deserves no respect and cannot be trusted.

If your marriage is that bad, divorce first. Cheaters deserve no respect or trust, not only from the ex but from anyone.

Mamasperspective

Have you talked about this with your daughter? If she didn’t want this woman at her wedding, I doubt she will allow her access to the children and may insist her dad visits alone. Talk to your daughter before putting yourself through unnecessary anxiety.

OLD POST

Are you from the USA by any chance?
I can't think is kms so I looked up a conversion and it is
137 miles give or take. My sister lives 82 miles (just over 2 hours drive) away and we think of it as being too far away.

I think most people in the UK think in terms of shorter distances. Possibly because our roads are so bad and domestic flights are not so popular here as in the USA.

Like dohden - I am struggling with this 23 years later . I can’t walk away from my children or grandchildren. My GC call my ex-husband’s new wife ‘nanny’. I am called ‘Nan’. It hurts more than I show and what good will that do? They will still call her ‘nanny’. It will still hurt. The d.I.ls are very friendly with her. I wish all this never happened, but I am willing to admit, that our marriage break-up was not all his fault. Suffice to say, I didn’t give him what he wanted or needed. I have not had a bf /partner. That’s fine. My life is not brilliant but ok and I have learned to accept things as they are. What can’t be cured, must be endured. That’s life.

I feel the same as I did 2 years ago.

Time to move along in your thoughts.

She is a granny, along with your child's mumIL or perhaps more. Children can't have too much love, from too many people.

Our daughters might say 'oh, get over yourself, this is not all about you' -- blunt, but truthful, mums can't expect to be center to every persons' existence.

I too have experienced this situation and am struggling 18 years later. Two counselors later, I’ve come to the conclusion that walking away from my children is easier than having salt rubbed in the wounds at every family event. I have done, and continue to do so much for my daughter in the way of childcare, that seeing “her” near my grandkids is very upsetting. I’ll keep praying.

This thread was started two years ago , though I notice this is the second time you’ve posted after it’s been revived by a troll Mamasperspective.

I think you need therapy to learn to get past this. As much as you call her a home wrecker and a narcissist, it was your husband who betrayed your marriage and who had vowed to stay loyal to you - she didn't owe you anything prior to your marriage breakdown. I'm not saying it's right what has happened but you need to shift your focus that HE caused this and not her - he's a grown adult with his own mind, capable of making his own decisions.
Your marriage ended 11 years ago and he was seeing her for 2 years before that - 13 years is a LONG time to struggle through feeling the way you do. I genuinely think therapy would be a HUGE help to you (but you have to find the right therapist for you, a bit like finding the right hairdresser - some will do an amazing job and some will be average) but you need to be open and honest and prepare to be challenged. If they have now been together so long, even if you moved to Mars, she's not going anywhere. Avoidance of the issue never works, you need to tackle it head on with the help of a professional to help you refocus and navigate the situation. Good luck.

Reported.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Have you talked about this with your daughter? If she didn’t want this woman at her wedding, I doubt she will allow her access to the children and may insist her dad visits alone. Talk to your daughter before putting yourself through unnecessary anxiety.

Reported

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Mariemal55

You are making it harder for your daughter if you carry on.

Forcing her to choose when it comes to her deciding when and who sees her kid(s).

It could stop you having a lovely relationship with your grandchildren.

Its not "you versus her"

Talk to her.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

she could not have got into your house to sleep in your bed unless your ex let her in.
so why is all the animosity directed at her.
it'll do you no good.