Ditto to Peacelily321.
You need time alone with your partner so that you can talk to him about her, no interruptions - so phones off!!
It sounds like she's been hurt badly in the past. What's she like around her mother? Who exactly does she live with?
It does take at least 18 months for a stepchild to accept a step-parent, and with her problems it will be a lot longer!!!
Has her doctor been involved at all? Can she be sent to a help clinic?
Has your partner just always accepted this behaviour (possibly because the mother said everything was ok/butt out etc) or has he ever sat her down and asked why she is like this, why take drugs etc - without blaming her?
There is a root to this problem and he needs to find out what it is!!!
What is she like with grandparents and the rest of the family?
I'd definitely try stepping back, and have him over at yours without her!
I hope he understands that this child is ruining everything for him/his happiness!!!!
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Please can any one part of a blended family help us?
(9 Posts)I've been in this scenario with a rude, manipulative mini wife stepdaughter. It doesn't change and you end up very anxious and upset when your partner does nothing to stop the awful behaviour. My own advice would be to not stay at your partner's house. He comes to yours. That way, he has to leave mini wife to spend time with you. Keep doing that. There can only be one queen per castle.
Grandmardby10 excellent post, very well put .
Bird40 you haven’t mentioned what your fiancé has said or thinks or does regarding his daughter. She sounds a nightmare!
You have your own place, studies and a future. Be strong and remember your childrens’ relationship with their father is just that: it’s theirs.
You have your own with them while they are at home with you, you are in charge, just accept what your ex gives them with a “mmm” that’s nice” or did you! (When they claim to have stayed up later than you would allow) followed by an unconcerned tut “what is he like?” If they are happy try (and this is hard) - be happy for them not launch into rants about what a useless/feckless Dad he is.
Don’t be a victim, be a survivor with a plan.
Plan for your happiness long term, the kids will grow up and follow your good examples.
Acknowledge your tragic past but don’t greet people with it. They may not be worthy (seek therapy if you think you need it -your experience will be useful in reminding you what you don’t want but be open to potential happiness.
As for your current situation, I’d stay well away from that household.
If he wants a relationship with you he can come to yours.
His child is his responsibility not yours. You don’t have to put up with that.
I don’t think you need the burden that comes with this man. I too think she needs too be kept away from you and your family as you’ve had enough already. Good luck xxxx
I really think you should walk away from this. You don’t need another toxic relationship.
I am so sorry you have had so many challenges in your life. You need a partner who will support and protect you and this person seems unable or unwilling to do that.
You would probably be better off on your own.
Sorry, i appreciate this sounds like a bit of a pity party. I actually feel very lucky with my life ❤️ im studying and manage my own bills (whixh feels like a big deal to me) and i have lovely kids and kind friends... I hate the thought that my partners daughter is this unhappy, allowed to manipulate and also, im so worried that this is a pattern in me. Maybe if i was stronger i could shrug her off more but i find her and the situation just too muxh
I grew up in what used to be called a "broken home" and my sisters and my mum moved away leaving me with my dad. He met a new partner and her and the children moved in.
It didn't work. My step my took a disliking to me straight away;her kids would lie and manipulate.
. I stopped fitting as wasn't "horsey 'and it only took a couple of years beforw being called" dirty " and being physically and mentally abused created a fear of speech and i used to stop talking believing i was" dirty and not worth anyone's time.
Fast forward to my own adult hood, i worked full time, usually in care settings, met a muxh older man and became a step mum at 20.
It hasn't suprised me (looking back now) that i looked for a father figure, but with no real work ethic and a drink problem. We Brought up two children of our own (i wont digress by explaining about his abuse) but needless to say i am now divorced.
Having children was one of the best things i did, along with getting married.. But divorcing was also a huge weight off!
When we divorced, there was nothing to split financially. I dealt with the joint bankruptcy, he moved in with his parents and frankly does lead a ncie life. Picks n chooses when he works, When he has the kdis, has More income thwn me and more Time Off(no house work or bills as his parents sort all this)
Im proud to say the kids have stability with me.. And fun with their dad. I don't think this is an unusual situation?♂️
I get on very, very well with my adult step son and keep in touch regularly.
My ex and his parents ignore me, or snipe (it's slightly embarrassing in a small cluster of villages but i ignore it as I know that between a chronic illness, full time degree and the kids (with no family here is quite tough)
My kdis are happy, do well in school, are kind and sweet. The only change is when they have been woth their dad who buys mobile phones/allows tictoc and no bedtimes etx
Makes it really hard when they grt back home to me but this is part and parcel. My ex definitely does some of it on purpose, he introduces them to a variety of girlfriends, wears clothes for a 25 year old, proper beach bum outfits..kids and women think at 55...that he is the COOLEST thing ever. He has often told me "this is the life i chose"
It isn't. I chose to divorce a controlling, abusive man who once put local anaesthetic on my lips when i was asleep apparently as a joke.. But when i woke up thinking id had a stroke, forbid me from making a gp appt. He said it was in my head.
Fast forward a few years and i meet a lovely man.. A friendship then relationship developed. I havr never felt love like it, we arr engaged , but two years on his 15 year old daughter still can't accept me. I understand her pain.. Having been through it myself so im patient and kind and always the same but shr runs circles around her dsd.. Drugs, drink, disappears, strops, yells all the usual teenge stuff but she has a really unkind streak that lots of parents have noticed (and unfortunately have then stopped their own kids spending time with her) i wouldn't for instance leave my own kids with her and it got so bad.
. That i now wont be alone with her in case.of allegations.
I cant detail it all, but she was expelled from school, hsd my daughter in tears when she was little as she told her she was dying of s brain tumour but that we had all been told not to tlak aboit it? my daughter was hysterical.
I recently stayed at my partners house, put face cream on and it made my face react so badly that i ahd to take anti hystamines. Id used that cream every day for years
It smelled funny and i do wodner if some hair remover cream had been put in it
I understand that my partners daughter has had a really tough time growing up.. She is and has always fallen out wkth people aroubd her, gets in trouble etc etx. I have tried to find her some support with her mental health but its now affecting my relationship with her dsd, horribly.
I am now refusing to stay at his as she i think, went through my stuff, listens in and acts like a mini wife to the point i feel ill.
She phones him constantly, whines, lies, stomps, smokes weed etx and then says she hasnt even whrn we can smell it, passes info to other fmsiky memnees, makes up gossip, loud, brash.. I just cant grasp what's going on with her. She runs circles roubd her dad☹️ he is exhausted but she knwos exactly how to play it.
I try to invovle her, im hardly therr to be fair, buy her toiletries and treats etc etx and treat her like i would my own kids.
I cant believe that at my age... I still dont seem to deserve unconditional love from someone.... Its honestly like my childhood all Over again.. Yet im "losing" again
Id do anything for harmony ? im feeling so heart broken but unless my partner csn tell his kids that im Important to him, then they will continue to trample all over us. I worry for her future but also for how ive managed to get in this mess.
I feel like im ruining her life by being there... So probably should walk away. We put our wedding back because we thought it was too mxuh for the kids but how much say do the kids have as rhey reach 16 +?
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