Grandchild

So I would say get yourself some bubbles or balloons you start blowing a few bubbles at his house he will soon come round or a little car.

Good idea and good advice for you Minmu95

Lockdown as being hard on everyone. When we first came out of lockdown I used to take grandkids a little treat and I went to their houses so saw them on their space and I let them come to me, all are fine now. But parents did video calls in lockdown so kids would know me. So I would say get yourself some bubbles or balloons you start blowing a few bubbles at his house he will soon come round or a little car.

Nonna77

First post and I’m gonna be first time gran very soon at young age of 45. My son and his gf do not live locally and her family are abroad. There are a few things I’d like advice around. Firstly I made a big mistake by posting on social media how this weekend baby is going to be induced and how excited I was. His gf immediately WhatsApp me to say I had no right and should i want to upload pics I need permission. This was upsetting and I’ve already got reservations about her from she seems it’s her way or the high way from the interaction I’ve had with her. Secondly they live 4 hours away with no family support around them. They was planning to relocate to be nearby but then this didn’t happen. So it’s unlikely I’ll spend much time with the grandchild. Any advice on the above and being a first time gran much appreciate

Nonna I know you are upset as well as naturally very excited but I think that you really need to take a step back and consider this situation carefully from others perspective and also look at the long term!

Firstly I made a big mistake by posting on social media how this weekend baby is going to be induced and how excited I was. His gf immediately WhatsApp me to say I had no right and should i want to upload pics I need permission

Well yes, it was a mistake as you say, even though you were excited! . Your son's GF has every right to tell only those that she wants to that their child is being induced! There can be numerous reasons why she might not everyone to know, it is a personal medical procedure! I am sure you did not mean to be tactless but I am afraid it was

should i want to upload pics I need permission.

She is pre-empting a possible future problem, realising that if you felt it was ok to talk about her medical procedure on social media then you may well not realise that posting pictures is not something all parents want for their children. Some parents are happy with it, others see it as an invasion of their child's privacy. At least now you know their thinking as parents!

This was upsetting and I’ve already got reservations about her from she seems it’s her way or the high way from the interaction I’ve had with her

Hard as it may be to accept within in your excitement and experience it IS your son's and her way or the highway about their child. IF you are accepting of that, they MAY ask for advice in the future. If you are not accepting of that, you may find yourself seeing very little of them or your grandchild. Think carefully about that!

Secondly they live 4 hours away with no family support around them. They was planning to relocate to be nearby but then this didn’t happen. So it’s unlikely I’ll spend much time with the grandchild

It must have been disappointing for you when they changed their plans but that is their perogative! Why were plans changed? There is no reason why you can't develop a way of seeing your grandchild over time, with mutual visits etc. However for that to happen you have to have a good relationship with your son AND his girlfriend and THAT needs to be your focus!

Any advice on the above and being a first time gran much appreciate

I think you need to :

- Apologise for your mistake in posting about the inducement. Say that you understand totally that you should not have posted something so personal. Don't excuse yourself with your excitement! Just apologise and take full responsibility.

- Say that you understand completely that you must not post pictures without asking first.

- Buy your son's girlfriend a small gift maybe linked to her pregnancy or post childbirth ....something thoughtful like a lovely shower gel, or handcream, something pampering. Or a favourite food

- Say that you realise THEY will want time as a family after the birth. Say you would love to come and see THEM ALL when they feel up to it. Ask if there is anything that would help in the first few weeks, maybe freezer meals or similar?

- Tell them you are available if they need you but that you don't want to impose so please let you know if anything is needed. Say you are there if needed but want to also give them space as a family with their new baby!

*After the birth, if none is forthcoming, ask if you can have just one photo of the baby/the family together maybe, saying that you will not be sharing it with anyone.

After that wait! And just be friendly, checking in occasionally with chatty messages, etc but not worrying away about all these concerns expressed above!

Greenfinch

As Grandmabatty has just said it is important to visit him in his own home.

I agree. And let him come to you rather than trying to hug him or pick him up.

I don't and wouldn't share photos of my grandchildren electronically with anybody. That's my daughter's prerogative, not mine, as to how much of her children's lives she wants to be viewed by other people.
I will show someone a photo, in person, but that's all.

As regards the social media thing it is best to set up a WhatsApp group with your friends as others have suggested to share pictures of the baby privately. That reaction isn't unusual at all.
As regards the OP we have had the same thing with our DGS after the covid restrictions. It must be very common. We are also trying a little bribery and we do stay with my DS to look after DGD who is younger and more used to us .So hopefully things will improve. I think he just isnt used to our ways .But I just wanted you to know that this must be a problem in loads of families just at the moment and you are not alone .

Minmu and to answer your post. I do feel for you and I think it’s a good idea to meet in a fun place where he will probably feel more calm, good luck x

Nonna I am a grandmother 4 grandchildren and no way would I be posting personal information regarding my grandchildren’s births, so I’m not surprised your sons girlfriend wasn’t happy!you say it’s her way or the highway! Of course it’s her way and your sons they are the parents!!! What do you expect! It sounds as though you don’t like your sons girlfriend. Please respect their wishes, and remember the baby is theirs not yours!

I want to add....next time you want to express your joy over your grandkid to your friends online......use instant messenger. It's private, so no issues of putting anything out into the public.

NONNA77......Actually, you did have a right to express your joy to your friends, what is this, communist China? Of course posting pictures, revealing personal info, etc. on social media is not a good idea, permission to do that would be warranted.

I think today there is very little value put on family, much less extended family, and that's sad because grandparents, uncles, aunts can enrich a child's life. Respect for elders is a thing of the past.

Even when I had some issues with my mother in law, I still respected her and treated her fairly as my husbands' mother and the grandmother of my kids. I never denied her, her husband, or my own parents of their joy at being grandparents.

Today it seems, new mothers take a very narcissistic view of their mothering abilities; I think awhile back it was called helicopter parenting, but that term was too offending to some. However, to narcissist's, the truth is very offensive when it in any way questions their opinions.

To be fair, I imagine this is not true of all young mothers, but lately I'm seeing a trend. Did you unknowingly do something the momma didn't like? How dare you, you're cancelled....oh, you didn't mean to and are sorry? Too bad....still cancelled.

This is our cold hearted culture now. They throw out family for the sake of giving the kid one too many cookies. But when you make such an issue of cookies, in the end, that's all the kid will want.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just seeing society turn coldhearted towards parents, grandparents. Families constantly breaking apart. It makes me ill. Everybody fighting over minor things and in the end lose people who love them. The sad part is, they don't seem to care that they do.

I hope you get the chance to see your grandchild. It's such a joy, those happy little faces and sometimes the only thing that makes the misery of aging worth sticking around for.

Just tread lightly. Do not give any excuse to her to shut you out completely. Kiss her b- hind. Offer kindness. Someone like her will estrange you from not just your grandchild, but your son too. Don't give her any excuse to do so. Be shinning examples of support to her needs.

Praise her mothering, no matter what mistakes she is ultimately going to make. Pretend, if you have to that you like her. You can always not like her when your alone. Your son and grandkid will be worth it.

To the OP: Just have patience. I know it must be heartbreaking for you right now. He will come around.

I have to laugh, my great nephew would cry every time I would talk to him or try to hold him. I finally started (mostly) ignoring him or just speaking to him across the room. It took a bit but he will come and cuddle for a second or two now. He is an active 2 year old boy, so he never sits till for long anyhow.

It IS her way because it is her baby.

Mismatched expectations are often are the root of family discord. Time to take an inventory of your expectations and then realize that this is not your baby and your son chose this woman for his future and toss your expectations out the window.

You do not have to like her, but you do need to respect the fact that as parents they make the rules and you need to follow them. Hopefully you can find something about her you find appealing. It will certainly make future family get togethers easier IMO.

Nonna77

How would you like it if anybody published your medical history on the internet without your permission?

grannynannywanny two grans with a single mind!?

Crossed posts Grandmabatty but we seem to be thinking along the same lines!

Oh dear you’re off to a bad start which hopefully you can put right by offering a humble apology and acknowledging that you shouldn’t have posted their personal information on social media. Let them know that you acted in haste in the midst of the excitement and it won’t happen again. Also, no posting of baby photos without the parental permission. You’ve had the warning shots and ignore them at our peril.

You say you already have reservations about your son’s partner. If you allow that to fester then the foundations are laid for trouble ahead. Try to wipe the slate even if you have to bite your tongue at times. Being a grandmother is wonderful. I hope you’ll succeed in putting aside this rocky start and go on to have a lovely relationship with your new grandchild. Remember the no 1 rule, don’t offer parenting advice unless asked!

Nonna it is her way. She is the mother, not you. Yes, you made a big mistake announcing on social media. That was not your news to broadcast. I hope you apologised profusely. Don't offer advice unless asked. Don't demand to see the baby or ask for overnight stays. Bite your tongue and be supportive of their decisions regarding their child. You need to have a good relationship with the parents. It seems clear from your post that you don't like her. I hope you can hide that, as she's under no obligation to help you have a relationship with your grandchild. Best of luck.

First post and I’m gonna be first time gran very soon at young age of 45. My son and his gf do not live locally and her family are abroad. There are a few things I’d like advice around. Firstly I made a big mistake by posting on social media how this weekend baby is going to be induced and how excited I was. His gf immediately WhatsApp me to say I had no right and should i want to upload pics I need permission. This was upsetting and I’ve already got reservations about her from she seems it’s her way or the high way from the interaction I’ve had with her. Secondly they live 4 hours away with no family support around them. They was planning to relocate to be nearby but then this didn’t happen. So it’s unlikely I’ll spend much time with the grandchild. Any advice on the above and being a first time gran much appreciate

Thank you everyone. The suggestions have been really helpful, and have given me hope I will finally get a cuddle

Previous posters have good feedback.

Baby steps

As Grandmabatty has just said it is important to visit him in his own home.

I feel for you Minmu as exactly the same thing happened to us . Our youngest granddaughter was born during lockdown so she is approaching 2. She has seen us 6 times and for 5 of those she sobbed bitterly despite having 3 older siblings.It meant that we had never held her or even touched her. We just ignored her and let her parents distract her. Finally just after Christmas she responded to us putting our arms out to her and truly it was the best moment of Christmas so take heart, just be around and he will eventually come to you. It is understandable. He doesn’t know about his relationship to you. That will come later when he knows you better.

Do you visit his house? That might help him feel secure.

Work with his parents and take it slowly. As others have said, fix a meeting in a neutral fun place where he will be distracted but will be getting familiar with you at the same time. A ride on something, and there you are smiling when he gets off. Then another ride, and you are still there smiling. So he sees you around but with no demands to stay with you. Let him set the pace. A present is a great idea too. You will get there and maybe much quicker than you think.

It is not that he doesn’t like you but more that he doesn’t know you.

Good idea to meet in a fun place and maybe a bit of bribery, find out what he is into and buy a small gift to give him when you meet. His memory of you and that day will be triggered when he plays with his gift at home.