How do I reply?

Hellogirl1

My almost 87 year old BIL has recently moved to this side of the country and has started to visit regularly. I love the old bugger dearly, but try to keep him off one of his favourite subjects, which is criticising anyone not British and anyone of colour. Otherwise he`s great.

if he ever needs care or medical treatment, he may be grateful for the people who were not born here, who make up the majority of these professions in my experience.
perhaps you could ask how he feels about that.
ie gently challenge these views as being unfair/unreasonable.
90% of careworkers that i have ever come across were born in asia or africa.
and there is still a shortage. so what would happen without those people.
and surely moral issues should lead to criticism, ie behaviour, not something totally unchosen, like skin colour/origin.?
silence means assent ? how can you tacitly accept these views ?

My family have always discussed religion and politics with friends - indeed, nearly all of my parents' friends came from one or the other!
From my own pov, I seem to have a lot of friends with differing religious ideas, but not one close friend who is in major disagreement with me on politics.

I think that you can only say that she has a right to her opinion but you don't agree and you would prefer not to discuss it further and if she brings it up again, just change the subject.
With an opinion like that which has been ingrained no doubt from her childhood, she will never change.
Sadly it may just affect your friendship certainly in the short term.

Have to admit that I would find it difficult to be friends with anyone who held right wing political views. Aquaintenances, yes, = but friends NO way.

Just point out you were brought up in different circumstances and agree to differ. I always avoid politics and religion whenever I can.

Well I'd risk the friendship and tell her what I think.

I have rich friends, I have like-me friends, and I have poor friends, on both sides of the political divide. If they are talking bladerdash, I tell them - but if they are right, I tell them too. However, there is one thing I'll say... I have yet to meet a politician on the bus and having treatment at the state hospital.

When a friendship is such a long term thing, you can find that in some areas you actually split up more and more as time goes on but if the original friendship has lasted and you care enough to keep in touch then what would not be tolerated by other people , does not have to be agreed with but with an effort ignored or as the other say well better not talk about this as we will never agree and try and have a couple of more acceptable topics in your mind to go to .Sometimes you meet people in a particular setting which means that that area is your mutual area with other parts of your views and life totally different. As a singer I have met a person I definitely consider a friend now after about 30 years of meeting through music. However her christian beliefs mean that I cannot send her a christmas card with Mary on it , and she actually believes that men are in charge of the family and she should pay attention to what her husband states and so forth. Well you can imagine my views on that, but I tend to see her either outside at a musical gathering of some kind or visit her when he is out. That way we can still be friends. I would be sorry to not have her in my life even if she drives me mad by the subservient bit!!

Foreign Secretary, Chancellor and I dare say a few others in power are all products of immigrants from another country who came to the UK to work hard and do well. Pity they forget their ancestors so quickly. Inherited wealth tends to come from someone exploiting others for gain. Or is a reward from a monarch for services to the crown usually in battle. Either way it is dirty money, nothing for your friend to get uppity about.

I find the idea of not talking about religion or politics with friends very strange. Our views on both are such a defining part of who we are that friendships that ignore them must seem quite empty.
That is not to say that there need be deep discussions on every occasion of course or the friendships wouldn't last long as others have said.
In this case neither of the comments made by the friend make much sense. They seem parroted but boil down to thinking that we all bring poverty upon ourselves by not working hard enough. A rash claim to make except among like-minded people I think I'd have said something like 'Oh come on, for heavens sake you can't really think that' and see what came back.

I find this sort of thing quite tricky- that even very kind, ordinary folk ( usually comfortably off), just don't believe how bad it is!
You don't want to lose her as a friend, but you could try something like " Yes, the resilience of ordinary people in the past during times of hardship such as WWII has been quite amazing. The UK recovered well though and is now the World's fifth largest economy, so it seems we should be able to look after all our citizens, pay a proper living wage and have a robust benefits system that looks after people who are in genuine difficulty so that foodbanks won't have a place any more. I know we have different views on some of this and we've known each other long enough not to fall out over it. I did recently come across a UN report which I found quite an eye-opener, though. Maybe you'd be interested to see it - it's an independent report, not produced by any political party or group within the UK. I'll send you the link"

www.bristol.ac.uk/poverty-institute/news/2019/un-rapporteur-final-report.html

Also - if you happen to personally know a family who are in great difficulty through no fault of their own, you could perhaps relate the circumstances in the hopes she may realise that ordinary hard-working folk are really really struggling in the UK today.

He doesn’t have a magic money tree, after all the furlough cash. No government can just keep spending, I also came from poverty

I also find the idea of not discussing politics with friends a bit strange. My group of friends have had some real ding dongs about politics when we were together. It hasn't stopped us being friends though.

I don't understand why you are friends with this woman, when your outlooks are as different as they are.

If you want to remain friends with her, then either you don't discuss the topics you have mentioned with her, or if she brings them up, simply say, "You know I don't agree with you about this, so let's talk about something else."

Neither of you are likely at this late date to convince the other to change her views.

Surely views like this reflect our basic values as human beings and I think it's difficult to stay friends with someone whose basic values are so different to yours. You'll either have to find a way to make it clear that your opinions differ from hers in this area (if you stay quiet, she will just take it as agreement) or back off. I no longer talk about politics with friends since one friend took umbrage with my views on Brexit (she voted to leave, I voted to remain) and hasn't talked to me since! It's a minefield.

I think it is best to agree to differ! I would be unable resist pointing out that our opinions are formed by our life experience and as she has had no real experience of the grinding worry of poverty (like many of our politicians and certainly our dear Chancellor) she is not qualified to comment. I was brought up poor myself and without the safety net of an inheritance. Hard work alone has earned me my place in life. I have always noticed that more fortunate people have little real idea of the struggles of those less privileged.

Tanjamaltija

I have rich friends, I have like-me friends, and I have poor friends, on both sides of the political divide. If they are talking bladerdash, I tell them - but if they are right, I tell them too. However, there is one thing I'll say... I have yet to meet a politician on the bus and having treatment at the state hospital.

... I have yet to meet a politician on the bus

Reminds me of a joke about a wealthy Conservative MP back in the late 50s who was accused of being completely out of touch with the lives of ordinary people, and someone actually said to him, "I bet you've never even set foot on a bus. Anxious to be seen as a 'man of the people' he caught a bus the next day after leaving the HoC accompanied by the press, When the conductor came and asked, "where are you going sir", the politician smiled and said, "Number 15 Grosvenor Crescent, Westminster, please..."

TBH, I don't think any recognisable politician would be safe on public transport these days. There's just too many unstable individuals around with extremist tendencies.

If she doesn’t understand your views from personal experience, the only thing that’s likely to change her mind would be an experience of financial insecurity! Which, sadly, she may get if the Tories continue in power indefinitely, which seems to be their aim. I’m frankly terrified of our bills going up to the point where we can’t afford them, even though we’ve reached the point of being what I’d call ‘comfortably off’, as once we’ve both retired we’ll be on a fixed income. And it sometimes feels as if pensioners will be the next group to be stripped of their ‘benefits’ (even though pensions aren’t benefits).

I have a friend with totally different views than me on religion, politics, vaccine, etc. We respect each others views and rarely discuss these subjects. She is a lovely person, very caring and kind.

Yammy

Just point out you were brought up in different circumstances and agree to differ. I always avoid politics and religion whenever I can.

I’m with you on that Yammy.

Ask her to imagine being in a position were you have no food, no heating and have to rely on the goodwill of others simply to survive.

It makes my blood boil when inherited wealth seems to give people the right to criticise the unfortunate majority of the general public that are just scraping by. A week in someone else’s, less fortunate shoes should open their eyes to the real world ( and this includes MP’s too).
My 81 year old mother thinks that people on benefits should handle their money better, she has no idea what it is like to struggle this day and age to raise and provide for children. She never considers that maybe by donating a few essential items to her food bank it may help a struggling family who cannot afford to heat their home. I can’t bite my tongue and am constantly reminding her that a gesture of kindness comes back to you tenfold.

Differing opinions can spoil friendships You do not have to apologise that your friends views/ opinions are not yours and having been friends for so long would it be so difficult to steer away to a far more enjoyable subject the moment politics come into your chats?

Probably because I do have friends in politics, I do see some on the bus (it's me who is rarely on a bus these days because our local services have been cut so badly). And without doubt, like most NHS workers I have treated politicians and their families of all kinds in NHS hospitals and in the community.

I think the difference may be how we define friendship. My neighbours, good acquaintance etc. who I might say loosely are 'friends' if I was introducing them socially, are not to me 'real friends' and I might avoid such discussions.
To me, a real friend would be in no doubt about my broad opinions, nor I their's.

I think, it's probably best to look for common ground and not to focus on what brings division. Friends are precious and unity is scarce.