I feel a Burden

Dear Theodora, I too am very sorry for your loss.

First I would like to say, please do remember that your son loves you, otherwise he would not be helping as much right now, and I imagine he loved his father too. So he too is bereaved and helping you is no doubt helping him as well.

Next, be honest with your son and daughter in law and if you haven't already done so, tell them that your feel you are becoming a burden to them, and that really he should have more time to spend with his wife and new child.

By saying this, you will, I hope, prevent either of them from giving in to a sneaking feeling that you are a burden. Right now, they probably do not feel this, but the thought may have occcured to one or other of them who has valiently pushed it away, as they love you and know what you are going through.

Not having experience of therapy, I cannot say whether you are right or wrong in discontinueing it, but others who know more about it than I, feel you should perhaps continue a little longer.

This depends, of course, on why you made decision not to go on with the therapy. You said the therapist had helped, and saying as you did "I made the decision to stop seeing the therapist" sounds to me as if you yourself were in two minds about what was best.

It is not my business, but would you prefer another therapist, or is therapy too expensive? Whatever the reason, perhaps you should mention it to your son.

I hope this helps.

I think we all dread feeling that we are a burden to others, but there is nothing wrong with accepting help when it is offered, unless we use the help as an excuse for not doing things ourselves.

This is clearly not the case with you. In your place, I would ring and have a chat with my daughter-in-law about whether she or they feel you are imposing on them, or not. But as your bereavement is so recent it is only natural that you feel lost and need help.

OP you can change therapist if you prefer? Perhaps try a woman therapist?

Grief is an awful thing, I lost my father last week, suddenly, and am wading through it myself.

Best wishes to you.

What can you do?

Go back to the therapist & bereavement support services.

You had two sessions & found that useful.
Why stop that process when the benefits are tangible & this type of therapy is limited to a few sessions.

I challenge you to continue the therapy to explore why you describe yourself & your understandable feelings of bereavement as being a burden.
If you hold onto this negative view of yourself & your experience then you run the risk of this becoming self-fulfilling, thereby shortchanging yourself, & dare I say your son & his family.

Your son is trying to help you live independently & well
The suggestions to get involved with U3A & other ventures are very good & well worth following up.

You son has stepped up & done plenty for you. & he now needs to focus on himself & growing family. It will be helpful for him to know & see that you are building your life after your loss - hardly a burden?

I lost my husband in September 2019, I haven’t had any bereavement support although it was available through the funeral director and the hospice. I think I didn’t feel I needed it because I had had some counselling during my husband’s long (9) year cancer. That helped me to get back to work for a few years and was excellent. As for my girls, they are both amazing but I guess I took the approach of being their mum and they had lost their most precious dad. I sometimes had to bite my tongue especially as one said “well you can get a new partner, I can’t get a new dad” thoughtless rather than mean. My girls always do nice things for me but what has really helped is my grandson, who was a few months old when DH died. He cuddles like no one else and has made my life worth living with his funny ways. It’s heartbreaking that he won’t know his grandad but I’m doing my best to be a good nana for him. It helps my daughter that I can look after him and has really kept me from diving off the deep end of despair. I can’t tell you much about the first two years though, I don’t think I have any real memories of it. Do what you need to do to help you, but cuddling a baby is the best thing ever. I don’t think grief ever really goes but you have to find a way to live with it.

Sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. As others have said, go back to therapy as two sessions isn't enough. Also did you join the local bereavement group your son found for you? If you attend both of those it will help your son as he will know that you are doing your best to find a way forward. Be kind to yourself, grief is awful and takes as long as it takes. [Flowers]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I used to be a bereavement counsellor within a charity and found there was no typical number of sessions . Some people just need to offload for a couple of sessions and others find they need much longer. I think the most important point is that you feel ready for counselling as it can be painful . It sounds as if you need more time to process what’s happened before you are able to work on the feelings of loss and grief. Don’t give up totally on counselling but only go back when you feel ready . You are lucky to have a child who cares so much but unfortunately he can’t make you feel better when you are so deeply grieving. It is a cliche but time will help a bit to come to terms with your new ‘normal’. Take care of yourself.

Just had to reply to say what a wonderful son you seem to have. Very thoughtful re Therapist as he must have sensed talking outside the family helps put a differing perspective on things. I too have a wonderful son who talks a lot of sense. I don’t live in his pocket but do rely on him occasionally to bring me into reality ! My advice would be to continue on with Therapist even as someone else said - just however many times you feel your need.... and do enjoy that new baby !

Just a thought, maybe instead of your son visiting you, you could go to his house sometimes, it might be a help to him and you DiL, particularly with the new baby, it would take you out of your environment for a while and help you all with the grieving process.

So very sorry for your loss. You said you think your son is extra worried because you have decided to stop seeing therapist so why stop? Unless it's that you can't afford to continue then do carry on for a few more sessions. It seems it will help your son and may well be beneficial for you.
I agree with others that you are lucky to have such a wonderful son.

If you haven't seen a therapist before then you will be finding this an extra hard thing to do at a time you are vulnerable and overwhelmed. When seeing a therapist it brings up painful emotions and new thoughts and it is hard work to do the work each day as well as the talking with the therapist. Perhaps it is too soon for you to do this and feels too much to you? Why exactly do you think you wanted to stop seeing the therapist? Was it too much? Do you not feel worth it? Do you feel ok? What was your thinking around it? Do you have any friends at all? Start to spend time with them and maybe join a U3A group...something light like poetry or theatre trips perhaps......join a church...do stuff....you don't have to be the life and soul of the party but start to create new positive paths...Your son (presumably) lost his dad remember...what are you doing to support him? What are you doing to be a help and support to the mother of your grandchildren? Start to be useful and reach out to others....gently does it and be good to yourself...but small steps to move forwards.....engage with today..this hour...and make it better...This grief will pass ...it really will!

Hi I lost my husband in 2017 and felt exactly like you re being a burden. I wanted to try and do things myself however I did begin to realise that my children helping and supporting me was helping them too. Your son probably needs to be with you etc And actually as mum's isn't that we would do be there for them .

So sorry for your loss. It is a very difficult time and your son sounds wonderful.
I’m trying to be that person too. My 93 year old dad was widowed last November. He is generally in good health but hates being on his own. I work full time and live 100 miles away but try to get there every other weekend and ring him every day. My children live further away but still visit as often as they can.
But he refuses to engage with anyone/anything that doesn’t involve me and makes me feel very guilty if I can’t get down to visit. I know it’s awful and he’s missing mum dreadfully but I’m at a loss really now.
I’m sure that your counselling sessions will be a great help and really hope that you can access more. Wishing you all the best xx

I'd hate to go to therapy and think if you want to stop, whether for now or completely, you should. Your son wouldn't want you to do it for him if you are not comfortable going again. You say he has a new baby. Do you get much chance to see your grandchild? I think being with a new baby, maybe taking it for a walk in the push chair so the mum can have a rest, would be enjoyable and then you are helping, not a burden. Maybe they could have an evening out and you could babysit? Or a lunch, when you could enjoy a little time with your grandchild if they are awake.

I know it is hard to go out alone and do things, even if you did before your husband died. Sometimes an interest group is a good way to start. Maybe there is something you'd like to do, walking with a group, a book club, etc. U3A are usually very welcoming and have a variety of activities. I'd prefer those to therapy and doing one might reassure your son. I hope things calm down for you. It takes as long as it takes. Another help might be a kitten or puppy? All the best.

"I have always tried to be a strong person" and thus seeing a therapist may have felt very strange for you? You could be my Mum talking - it took me months to get her to a bereavement counsellor and meanwhile I worried about her constantly. When she finally agreed to go, I felt that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but she only went for 4 sessions (all she would say is "it's not going to bring your Dad back"). Then I took her to the GP who prescribed anti-depressants. I tried to encourage her to join other groups but she would get very angry with me so in the end, I backed off and (unknown to me) she started heavy drinking which led to an accident, and her death. If you REALLY want to be less of a burden to him, then yes share your need for support around as many people and groups as you can - including going back to counselling. I'm sure that he will breathe a sigh of relief too.

So sorry TheodoraP.
I am on the opposite side to you. My father recently passed, leaving my mum on her own. Like your son I call and do a lot for her because I want to help in anyway I can. Don't feel guilty about being a burden, because you aren't. This is your son's way of showing his love and compassion for you, as I do for my mum. My mum is constantly apologising for me helping, but this is so wrong, I help because I want to.

Yes, I agree with others. Two sessions is not nearly enough. If you don't want to burden your son with the full load of your grief and all that is challenging after the loss of a life long relationship, then you need to look to other areas in life for support as well. There are all sorts of organisations that offer support. It's also important to realise that no one else can take away the pain of loss and it will take time. Feel the feelings as much as you can...and that's where a counsellor or therapist can be a huge support. Cruse can be very helpful... it's what they do. www.cruse.org.uk and it's right... this too shall pass, but how long it takes is different for everyone.And when you are in the depth of the process it can seem like the pain will never end. It will! Sending you a cyber hug!

So sorry for your tremendous loss.
Your son sounds incredibly caring and practical.
I agree with many other posters - he really wants to help and support you. However he also has his own loss to come to terms with and a family to care for.
I’m thinking that while you’re seeing a therapist regularly, it’s easing his mind and worries for you a little.
So continuing with the therapy may be equally good for you and him? It’s taking some of his strain and putting it into the hands of the therapist?
Wishing you every good thought that you’ll get through this dreadful time.

Please continue with the therapy. It is very early days and yes it will pass, but not yet! Your son is being wonderful and supportive so continuing therapy would help him as well .
Good luck and don’t be frightened to grieve. It is all part of the process.

You dont sound like you are being a burden but I would say if you are offered help/support/tea and sympathy you need to accept all of it.

My mother moans about everything yet wont accept simple resolutions to her issues.

I think that your son would certainly feel happier if you continued to see your therapist and if you continue, it will take some of that weight of his shoulders that you are so worried about.
Having a third person to help you to work through your grief, can only be a good thing, surely ? It's a slow process, not to be dealt with in just a couple of sessions.
If you stop now, believe me , it may well rebound on you in the future unexpectedly. I know, it happened to me after the death of my mum and then later when one of my best friends, who had been like a second mum to me. I stopped grief counselling to look after my dad and felt guilty that I was a burden to my son, who was in his late teens at the time and had had to grow up extra quickly and help to look after his other grandparent while I was at work.

You ar SO very lucky to have the support of your son !!! Since I was widowed I have nobody ...not complaining, just the way it is BUT I think it makes a difference if you have no one ....because you just HAVE to get on with it !!1 some days are hard, tasks are hard but that is how it is always going to be ! Get out, join clubs and things (I know that is what everybody says but it helps ) I go everywhere ...out to lunch, dinner, concerts, theatres (now they are thankfully open again !) travelling, walking, all on my own ....on a day when I have nothing specific to do I just get on a bus (bus pass ! wonderful !) and I can go to the coast, the city, just watch the scenery go by and people watch ! End up goodness knows where ...somewhere I have never been before but I know there will be people to ask if I get lost,cafes to go in, different things to see .....the coast, the countryside ...its brilliant ! Yes, I even go to Jazz club in the village where I live ...I sit on my own, but hey, I would be sat on my own at home anyway, so no difference ! My only real complaint is most people are in two's which means at a busy lunchtime etc one of them is saving a table so I cannot get a table and therefore have to try to find somewhere else, which is often no easy .........my only complaint ! PLEASE don't do it !!!!! Good luck .....do try to get out !

Continue to see the therapist… minimum of 6 appointments is the norm in NHS. It does help long term

Grief and mourning take time and many people find talking to a counsellor/therapist is helpful though it may mean looking at painful feelings. It's worth persisting with the therapist (or finding another one).

Maybe there is room for a little compromise here. Speak to your son and tell him that although you feel you need to step back from therapy for now, you will listen to him if he feels that you are going backwards. That way, you will take the pressure off him. Or, make an appointment for 6 weeks time for a debrief which will give you time to know if you have stopped too soon.
From my point of view, if I thought that it would make my son feel more comfortable, would take the pressure off him with a young wife plus children and it wouldn't do me any harm, I'd keep seeing the therapist for a few more sessions. It would be my way of saying thank you for his selfless help. What's the worst that could happen? You might learn a bit more about yourself and find it easier to cope.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope the path will get easier for you.

My Mum is 87 and was widowed in 2016, my darling Dad was the most wonderful caring husband and father.

I’m an only child and still working full time with four adult children, I am my Mum’s primary carer and she’s housebound and only lives a few streets away.

We all visit, we all help, she is NEVER a burden though sometimes is very trying ! Never feel you’re a burden ! Everyday my Mum tells me how sorry she is I’m lumbered with her ! She’s not a burden and I’m not lumbered ! Good luck xx