I feel a Burden

Yes, I get what you mean.
Some people like to jump in with suggestions, when it's nice if they just listen and make "mmmm" noises.

MissAdventure

Probably your son would feel happier with you if you would accept his "fix" by seeing the therapist, I think.
That is supposedly a man thing.
We want to just chat about things, they want to fix it for us.
We like to complain about a work colleague, they want to go and sort them out.

Perhaps you're all a bit fragile, because you've all suffered a loss?

not a man thing.....I have a female friend who is like this....lovely person but I have to edit what I tell her.

For goodness sake not everybody needs a therapist or counsellor!!!!!!

Probably your son would feel happier with you if you would accept his "fix" by seeing the therapist, I think.
That is supposedly a man thing.
We want to just chat about things, they want to fix it for us.
We like to complain about a work colleague, they want to go and sort them out.

Perhaps you're all a bit fragile, because you've all suffered a loss?

travelsafar

I understand how this lady feels. None of us want to be a burden to our children or anyone else to come to that. I am missing my husband very much, both emotionally and for his practical help. I had a cataract op and cant drive until i have had my eyes tested in May and get new lenses in my specs. It is so hard trying to manage without the use of the car. I cant go to the gym, do my vountary work or go to a social group i attend. The biggest thing is going shopping. I have people who offer but i dont like to be a burden to them. Today i managed to get to the end of my road and catch the bus into town and go to the supermarket for a few urgent bits i needed. The struggle to get back to the bus stop was awful and i got on the bus eventually so relieved to sit down. Online shopping is no good for me as i dont order enough. I have a dental appoinmtent on Friday so have booked a taxi to take me there. If hubbie was here i would have no worries he would have driven me. Being in this situation has told me how things may be in the future when i cant drive any longer. It has also made me think of the many people who are in this position with no end in sight. At least i know in May i will be able to drive again. We all value our independence and i havent told my children how i am struggling. It has also bought back the loss of my DH , and taken away all the progress i had made since he died. I find myself crying and longing for him. I miss his arms giving me a hug and him telling me everything will be alright. I even miss his grumpy moods when i could have quite cheerfully throttled him. Being in this situation because of my mobility issues has made me think about HR which i should be having later this year, i am really starting to worry about the recovery period and being on my own. Sorry if i have gone off track from the OP but it all just came tumbling out!!!!!

Many many widows and widowers have hip replacements and get over them while living alone. There should be pre op assessment when you can raise these concerns with the team. I used to be part of the pre op support in my area. have you looked at small shop ordering in your area? it might cost a bit more but some of the takeaway delivery firms will also deliver groceries....you can also bulk an order with things to make the amount. I live alone and will buy say a lot of loo rolls on one order and a big pack of laundry detergent the next time. If you don't know which small shops deliver local to you then ask on your local facebook page. You don't have to pour your heart out to your family but you might try asking for a little practical help if they live close enough and you have that sort of relationship. I speak from experience, lost my own husband 10 years ago. I have no kids, its me or nothing!

If it was me I'd be being honest and telling him that you appreciate the support he has given you but you no longer need it.
I have seen this before with people (men and women both) who are fixers. They do it from love/concern/because they feel responsible but they do have a tendency to get cross if the fix doesn't work. they tend not to deal well with other people's sadness. I wouldn't keep my distance but I would (and do) edit what I tell people like this and how I tell it. So the counsellor was wonderful but you don't need it now because you are doing xxx yyy and zzz (btw I wonder if he did pay and if he paid for a course of sessions so he's a bit cross that he will lose the money?) When you do chat then focus on the things you have been doing and enjoying and keep it brief. You don't have to say so but lead him to believe that his fix worked.
Of couse that is only if you want to stay on good terms with him......if you don't then tell him to mind his manners and he's not too old for a spanked bum and early bedtime!

Thank you

There has been a bit I a, well development

I feel my sons patience has run out, he has been a bit short and in patient with me this last week

We were together last Saturday, so my son grandson and I, we went to lunch together, it was supposed to be just lunch but my son said would you like to spend the rest of the day with us, I said OK but it was a mistake.

When I am with them my grandson sits in the back as I get terrible car sick if I am not driving, so that was problem number one, my son felt bad for my grandson I think because he kept asking him if he was OK, while in the restaurant my grandson who is 14 lost his patience with me also, he was explaining something, I was trying to grasp it but he git as I say in patient which he has never ever done before, I have to say it felt a little dis respectful

Moving on, the last conversation I had with my son, he lost his temper with me three times, once when I was explaining to him that the Therapist hasn't taken payment, I was concerned as my son recommended me to him, I was explaining that the Therapist said first session was free, then second session when I tried to pay he said he would send payment details but he did not

So now I just want to ask my son is he paying for the Therapy and when I asked him he huffed and puffed and was angry I was so confused, what was I doing that put him in that angry mood

I don't know how to handle this now, I am obviously too much for them both but the thing is I never call them, never ask anything of them, it's always my son that calls me and asks me to go with them for lunch etc

It really feels that he is now just doing things out of obligation

Like I say I don't know how to deal with the situation

My natural reaction is to not answer any calls and keep my distance

I know that sounds drastic but it is better than feeling as bad as I feel now

Would so value your opinions and sorry that it is so long but to be able to help its best if the full story is told

Perhaps you would prefer a female therapist. As the others on this thread have advised you would benefit from a longer period of counselling and it would help your son to feel that you had someone to wupport you as he has lost his father and has a wife with a new baby to care for.

I understand how this lady feels. None of us want to be a burden to our children or anyone else to come to that. I am missing my husband very much, both emotionally and for his practical help. I had a cataract op and cant drive until i have had my eyes tested in May and get new lenses in my specs. It is so hard trying to manage without the use of the car. I cant go to the gym, do my vountary work or go to a social group i attend. The biggest thing is going shopping. I have people who offer but i dont like to be a burden to them. Today i managed to get to the end of my road and catch the bus into town and go to the supermarket for a few urgent bits i needed. The struggle to get back to the bus stop was awful and i got on the bus eventually so relieved to sit down. Online shopping is no good for me as i dont order enough. I have a dental appoinmtent on Friday so have booked a taxi to take me there. If hubbie was here i would have no worries he would have driven me. Being in this situation has told me how things may be in the future when i cant drive any longer. It has also made me think of the many people who are in this position with no end in sight. At least i know in May i will be able to drive again. We all value our independence and i havent told my children how i am struggling. It has also bought back the loss of my DH , and taken away all the progress i had made since he died. I find myself crying and longing for him. I miss his arms giving me a hug and him telling me everything will be alright. I even miss his grumpy moods when i could have quite cheerfully throttled him. Being in this situation because of my mobility issues has made me think about HR which i should be having later this year, i am really starting to worry about the recovery period and being on my own. Sorry if i have gone off track from the OP but it all just came tumbling out!!!!!

You are an extra responsibility for your son. Fortunately for him and yourself, not to mention your daughter in law, your grief is temporary and you will become accustomed to being a widow. Go back to the therapist for a while as you sound as if you are needy.

greenlady102

"join whatever interest groups are out there which appeal and have members of a similar age and situation to yourself "

Join the local widows klatsch? Hell no. My age and marital status have never defined me and never will.

A breath of fresh air greenlady102! We are not all the same and these cover all solutions are not for everyone. After my cancer and losing my husband, the last thing I wanted was to wallow in it. I enjoyed going out with younger people and putting myself in situations where no one knew my position so that I could feel more normal,
As I gadded about, hardly ever in the house, someone commented that I was in the “running away’ stage, which was certainly not true. This is what works for me and lessened the let’s face it, acute anguish of bereavement.
I like the writing letters idea and I keep a journal and write out all my feelings, as well as poetry.

Good point effalump.

I had the saddest phone call from my daughter when she was successful at an interview, she wanted to tell her Dad as well. I have a memory book for him and said if she sent him a letter I would save it in there for her to look at in the future.

Many more sad occasions he is missing ahead, it is always missing them, and being sad at the things they are missing.

TheodoraP I'm no therapist but I read about this somewhere, I don't remember where. I should also add that I am not particularly religious but I do believe in Spirit.

Try writing a letter to your late Husband, telling him how you are, what you've been doing during the week and how much you miss him. Ask him if he thinks you're doing alright. Then write a letter to yourself, but from your Husband's perspective. You'll probably see that he might be concerned that you're not living your life as you should and that he would be happier if you smiled more and didn't worry if you did enough for him. I'm sure he would also say that you need to socialise and enjoy the things you do on a daily basis.

I don't know where your Faith lies but remember that, even though he's not here in the flesh, he's with you in Spirit.

After my mum died I tried this but never actually got as far as writing anything down as I started crying before I could do it. Crying helps relieve the sadness. Hope this helps.

@SparklyGrandma & those of you who have recently lost loved ones.

Definitely go back to a (the) therapist. Twice is really not enough as others have said.

I don't know how long you were married to your husband, but let's call it 40 years. You are not going to get over a 40 year relationship in 40 minutes, 40 days, 40 months or even another 40 years, but your therapist will gradually help you come to terms with it and re-shape your life to accommodate your loss.

I think your son is right to worry that you have stopped seeing the therapist too soon.

Meanwhile, my love and good wishes go out to you

First, can I just say that you are doing well TheodoraP; being able to reach out to others who know about the devastation of being widowed will help.
I reached out some time ago when I lost my beloved younger son and the responses were so kind and supportive.
I didn’t carry on with counselling as I felt I was just crying by appointment. I gained no special insights or understanding as I have special girlfriends who listened without telling me to pull myself together or get a grip. You won’t for a long time and that is probably a testament to the love you had. And why should you? Grieving is individual and - with the support of such a loving son- you will eventually find peace and acceptance. I know because I am 2 years and 2 months on from my loss and the pain is slowly receding and I can go a whole day without crying.
I firmly believe that only the support of people who really know you helps to lessen the rawness of the grief you are now feeling. It may sound like a cliche, but reminding yourself of small joys begins the healing process. Also, remembering your husband when he was at his happiest in life can make you smile.
I could not believe that life just went on as normal after the death of my boy, but it did. The sun shone, flowers bloomed, grandchildren squabbled, COVID was everywhere, people isolated and workers stayed away from their colleagues. And I still had to get through each day without the child I loved more than words can say … and I did. And so will you if you allow your son and family and friends to do what they WANT to do. They are hurting too and being needed will help them
I send you my heartfelt sympathy and love.

Sending you hugs and Lucca too. xx??

Definately see the therapist as long as you can, she will make a huge difference, and it will give your lovely son peace of mind, while helping is wife and new baby and the other children.Good luck I hope you soon feel better.

[Lucca]

and what a wealth of kindness and experience in this thread.

Please continue with your therapy a little longer. If you have only had two sessions you are just getting to know each other and it’s too soon to stop. As a therapist myself I’m pleased you have acknowledged that they have helped you.

Can you and your son talk and acknowledge his loss too. Family members are often not honest about how they feel because they don’t want to upset the other person. Try out the Cruse bereavement website as well it’s very good.

Sorry to hear of your loss. I’d be the same as you and would struggle with a loss like this. Maybe you haven’t clicked with this therapist. They are definitely not all the same. I found a therapist after my mum died. The first one was awful but the second one I found was a godsend she was definitely more like a friend with wonderful counselling skills.
Don’t feel your a burden on your son losing your husband is a huge shock he loves you and wants to help. You’ll get stronger but things take time. Sending hugs.

You are still grieving and it will pass. Things will never be the same, how could they? But this awful feeling will pass, little by little, slowly.... and you will pick up the pieces. And you will enjoy life again. Your son is a lovely, caring person, I am sure he does not regard you as a burden. He will want to help because he loves you, just as you would for him.
I was at the hospital once with my dad who was struggling with shirt buttons, I went to help him, he said no....the consultant asked him if he'd helped me as a child, of course the answer was yes. The consultant asked, then why won't you let her help you now. We want to help people we love.
Please carry on with the therapist for a while longer, it will help your son as well as you.

Don’t expect too much of yourself too soon.
Have you tried writing a letter to your husband? Put everything you need to say in a letter and then read it out loud to yourself, it may be painful but may help you to let go. Grieving takes years, it often comes out a little at a time - sometimes when you least expect it, amd not always as you expect it to.

Remember - The Samaritans are available any time.

Good wishes to you and that wonderful son you have. One life has left this world and another has entered it, so there is joy to be had.

Sorry for your loss. I would echo the suggestion to continue the therapy, it's still very early days and the nature of grief and loss changes over time. Therapy gives you the freedom to offload emotionally to someone impartial. Your son sounds lovely but as you say, he sounds very busy. I am sure he is happy to help practically, and will - but the emotional burden we can inadvertently place on our children is much harder for them. I say that as a single mum.

Always change a therapist if you don't like them, too - though hopefully with more success than some on this thread!