A friend who devalues others... and has nothing good to say for people who help her

you could say to her, and i take it you think you are a better person than fat mary who lives in a council house, why is that ?
as if you are opening a sociology seminar.
with a neutral expression.

Well previous to the letter, there were many fall outs, phones slammed down ( by me ) etc etc, so the letter was hurriedly written and fueled with frustration.

In later years it was alllll based on his snide remarks when i looked after my mum ( his sister) who i literally did everything humanly possible for her, I gave up my job to devote my time to her, i loved her, she was my mum and she deserved the absolute best. So, the snide remarks continued and continued till i said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.... then I wrote him to LONG letter which asked what is the matter with you .???

I got 1 word written on a small piece of paper, it said the word .... SORRY.

For him to say SORRY, it was enough.

After my mum went 'home' he actually told me I LOVE YOU.... I almost fainted with the shock....

I'm sorry I've rattled on, but i thought it best to paint the picture, it explains it better.

Serendipity22 wow, what happened when you said that to your Uncle? I am curious! Family is worse, I have difficult family too. Commiserations!

Thanks everyone. It's true that the older we get, the less tolerant we are to toxic situations and the more we become aware when things aren't right even if we didn't realise at first.

Well, me being a fence sitter, I wouldn't have edged my way off my fence.

Someone said the correct word toxic.

I ask myself why did you allow this person into your space knowing full well that she bad mouths the world and his wife and you!

Yes, its obvious she is very unhappy if she casts a critical eye over anyone and everyone, most importantly, the people who are helping her, it all boils down to if you want to approach the question of what is deep rooted that is showing itself in her manner about others.

To me there is certainly something there. I faced a very similar situation, the person whose critical eye leapt from him to her to him to her AND ME REGULARLY was my uncle, i could do absolutely nothing right in his eyes and i got fed up to the back teeth of it and i wrote him a letter a LONG LETTER, outlying the truth and i wrote what is the matter with you ???? Of course, being family, I couldn't sit on a fence but thats family for you, in your situation she is a friend.....

Sounds very bitter and unhappy person to me and possibly jealous definately has issues ! No I wouldn’t want to spend time with that sort of personality

I know someone like that and don't associate with her anymore in fact for some years. I think it's what some people do when they lack basic social skills. It's an insecurity she has about herself so she turns her negative onto anyone she knows or meets. In return it makes her feel good until the next person comes along. A vicious circle that stems from a immature and jealous person. It's only my opinion but I would give her a very wide berth.

I would run - not walk - away from this so called "friend". IMO life is too short to spend your time with unpleasant people when you don't have to be in their company. (The older I become, the less willing I am to tolerate "toxic" persons.)

Relation of mine has been like this for a while , now diagnosed with dementia

Now that she has let her guard down, she is showing you who she really is, a nasty individual who will use you. She has nothing positive to add to the friendship and will only drag you down. What you don’t tell her she will make up to gossip about you too in a bad light.

I would stay well away from this toxic relationship.

bin her

Barmeyoldbat

Sounds like my sister who I have nothing to do with anymore

Me too.
I would rather have no friends than someone like that. Life is too short to spend it with negative and nasty people.

Is she oblivious? What I mean is does she sound like she really means it or is this a habitual way of talking? I suppose if she has "let her guard down" recently that may indicate she is aware but some people have very little insight into their own behaviour.

Oh yes, it might be snobbery. I hadn't thought of that. It just feels like she is just critical about everything- people who are poor, fat, ugly, useless in her eyes, ignorant or just "less than".... She seems to miss the fact that they are kind or nice people and only comments on the "status" or physical appearance.

I'm definitely afraid to spend much time with anyone like that as I don't want it to rub off.

Nope, wouldn't entertain her. I do have a friend who can perhaps be a bit judgemental but not to this extent. Then we all have our quirks but are not as nasty. It also sounds like snobbery, the Council House comment for example.

She sounds very bitter and unhappy, I think Witzend’s advice is good.

Sounds like my sister who I have nothing to do with anymore

If you still want her as a friend tell her what she is doing. She may not realise that she is so negative.

Witzend good advice, thanks. I am not so good at confronting people and more likely to distance myself like you Grandmabatty I doubt (with some people) that they would self reflect even if I did confront them, so it's probably hopeless.

I am afraid I would gradually distance myself from her. I'm not good at confrontation and I wish I was more assertive but someone like that brings nothing to your life.

TBH I’d ask her (nicely) to please stop being horrible about everybody.

And if she doesn’t, it’s time to be blunt: ‘I’ve asked you before to please stop this - it’s very unpleasant. If you can’t or won’t, then I’m afraid I can have nothing more to do with you.’

She will then very likely complain that you’ve been horrible to her, but I dare say that’s par for the course with such people. Nothing is ever their own fault.

I wasn't aware at first, it's only as time has gone on that she seems to have let down her guard. I suppose I was feeling sorry for her, but the toxic situation has been bad for me.

Yes, belittling does sum it up. That's a good description LinFreed.

I ask myself why you're even friends with her? Surely you have friends you actually enjoy being with who have higher self esteem so they don't constantly need to belittle people

I've removed these toxic friends...and family..from my life. I have a much more pleasant life without them.

Does she have any redeeming points? I am going to try and think of some. Initially I'd have said she seemed kind- but as I've spent more time with her, I see that it was a veneer.

I'm not sure I want her as a friend, but she's having a horrible time at the moment and needed help so I haven't walked away-yet.

I have reduced contact and I don't tell her anything about myself now because I am sure I'll be on the list of people she talks bad about, when Im not around.