A friend who devalues others... and has nothing good to say for people who help her

MimiEliza because I had no idea until it started to all come out. Before that there had been a façade of niceness, I realise now.

I've gradually stepped back from someone like that. A person who just seemed miserable with their life and I'm convinced wanted me to feel the same. They commented on my weight, I'm size 10, even if I'd no nail polish on I wasn't a lady, my hair length, etc. If I questioned them they just said I was being silly, not to take things to heart, so they are gone. I don't need idiots like that in my life and I'm sure neither do you.

Why are you friends with her, if she has this type of behaviour? I have a pal for over 40 years and noticed 5 years ago that she continually was in judgement of others in a negative way. The predictability of what she spoke about each time made me steer clear for months on end (the pandemic forced us not to meet) but even with phone calls, she made me shudder with her incessant 'holier than thou approach' with gossiping. It was an addiction, so I've given her a wide berth due to feeling that I too is on her 'hit list'.

I guess it was comments by my family and beginning to listen to myself and question why I was so negative. It really is hard work trying to be positive when you naturally learn negativity. I am getting there though

Dottynan, you've done so well to combat the conditioning of your childhood and make positive friends.
I am curious to know if it happened after someone pointed out your behaviour or if there was another turning point? It shows there is hope for us all. Thanks for sharing

Dottynan Brave of you to post as you did and well done on making changes. It’s not easy to look inwards and face up to one’s less than perfect behaviour.

Dottynan well done for realising and making the effort to change.

My Mum was always a critical person.
It wasn't until I had children of my own, and met other young mums, that I realised not everyone was cross with their children all the time, and that people even seemed to like their own children ?

Tickingbird is so so right. For years I could only criticise and find fault with people. Lovely people torn apart by my negative mouth. My mother was seriously depressed all through my childhood and all I ever heard were nasty comments from her. I wondered why I had few friends. My family have pointed out my negative behaviour and I have done an awful lot of soul searching and gradually woken up and realised it is not necessary. I try so hard to think positive and now have small group of wonderful friends.

She has even one friend?
A relation who seems to look down on everyone, is short of friends. You wonder why!

Another friend who has just lost her husband and has developed severe vision problems, has always helped others.
She has a long list of friends who want to help and support.

It would be a kind, but probably thankless task to help and support this person, but would be a strain on you.
It would be a pity to cut them adrift, but you must take care of yourself

Nanna, why do you think a professional social worker is better than a generous friend? It's is good to risk one's own peace of mind to help somebody.

I would tend to avoid her because sometimes people like that can drag you down. She needs a social worker not a friend.

I agree with Tickingbird. It does people a good turn to tell them exactly where they are going wrong, and that is kinder than ghosting them. If you are successful in advising her she may turn into a nice person to know.

Try saying to her she would be nicer to know if she would describe others without denigrating them. Tell her you fear she may denigrate you yourself when you are not present.

I don’t think people like that are always aware they are doing it. It stems from unhappiness/bitterness and it’s such an automatic response they aren’t aware they’re doing it. They lack self awareness. I wouldn’t just walk away. Maybe write a letter explaining how draining and unpleasant you find the constant bile and negativity towards everyone. If that doesn’t give her cause to stop then give her a wide berth.

VioletSky is right ✅

One of our neighbours is like that. At some time or other, she has said something nasty or upset someone in the village.
She starts all her sentences with "You will not have.... or we had a better one than that. I was warned about her.
She is elderly and on her own and I felt very sorry for her but my help always seemed to backfire. I am now extremely polite but never engage with her.
I can truthfully say I am a lot happier. People who have constant negative thoughts about others even when they have helped them pull you down and make you feel miserable as well. Ignore her.

Ooooh she sounds like a darling.........NOT.
I have a sister just like her and i stopped speaking to her around 15 years ago.
Get rid is my advice and tell her why.

I too am wondering why you call this woman a friend.

As to why some people never have a good word to say about others;

Many do so because no one has ever told them to stop this rude behaviour.

Others do so to bolster their own feelings, usually because they feel inadequate themselves.

I don't think she has many friends. Thanks Libman, you're probably right.

I’m surprised she has any friends. I would step away. I doubt very much that you will be able to make her see what she is doing. It’s not as if she has been a lifelong friend - you owe her nothing. She will suck the life out of you if she gets the chance and your confidence will be rock bottom. I’ve been there…..

Serendipity22 Im so pleased for you. Well done for sticking up for yourself! I think it's always best to stick up for yourself, but I'm not always good at doing it. Family is different though, we are stuck with them, mostly.

Welbeck I think she must feel superior in order to actually come out with those awful statements! I don't think I feel like entering into a sociology seminar with her though, not sure I'd like what she said!
Discodancer1975 maybe- but I've got no idea why or how? I'm not a priest or a therapist!

Welbeck and Violetsky yes, good point! At this point, I'm ghost.

My (late) MIL was like that. She didn't appear to have anything good to say about anyone, not even her own family

Honestly, this person will drain your emotional energy

Good friends recharge it, even while draining it because they are going through things

I'd step away

i wouldn't go down that path...
that way lies madness.
look after yourself.

She sounds inadequate and jealous, but why? Is there some way of helping her?