I’m quite disturbed about this, is it acceptable?

Such a trying time having a relative in a care home whom you haven't always seen eye to eye with.
Perhaps stop visiting for a couple of weeks to allow some time for yourself. Then, when uou feel ready, go back again

a few have pointed out that the loss of control must be difficult for older people when they go into a home - I know that I would take badly to it. That may explain, if not excuse, the mum's behaviour.

Yes, I agree. Maddyone's Mum has managed until she is quite a good age making her own decisions, with help, and it must be difficult to feel that control of your own life has largely gone.

It's clear that maddyone is doing the very best she can for her mother, and is looking for advice to help her to do what is right in the circumstances - I don't think that is in doubt at all.

Has anyone accused her of trying to control her mother? I don't think so, although a few have pointed out that the loss of control must be difficult for older people when they go into a home - I know that I would take badly to it. That may explain, if not excuse, the mum's behaviour.

I know that it can be difficult to stand up to parents after years of doing as they ask - my own mum 'had to' visit her mother twice a week for years, but often found that she wasn't really welcome when she got there, and she was certainly taken fro granted. We (my siblings and I) both kept saying that mum should cut back her visits, but she felt duty bound to keep going 'because she was expected' to go. I have always felt that this was a shame, after years of bringing up her children, looking after my father when he was ill, then my stepfather when he had Dementia, for mum to feel she had to have to give up so much of her time before her own old age set in.

I think the OP needs a bit of kindness, Nannee49.

I am a little wary of judging the carer as my experience of residents in a care home- its just as likely that the carer used the whole conversation as a way to engage with your mother for 5 mins and she is not expecting to be given anything at all.
I also found my father wanting to buy and give small presents to carers just because they were nice and I got round this by buying the odd box of celebrations and giving them to the staff as a whole to say thank you and then just reminding my father we had already given something.
The TV magazine is another deja vu for me with my father wanting the exact one and I don't see it as controlling or having people run around after you but that their world shrinks and silly things become of great importance.
Have a chat with management but be very careful not to accuse anyone because you want all the staff on side.

Me too calistemon absolutely me too

Worth repeating, FarNorth

maddyone

With regard to the constant requests for items to be taken in we all comply to some extent but we ‘forget’ other things and mostly she seems to forget too. She is definitely losing her memory. It was slow at first, but over the last couple of years since her first fall and two small bleeds to her brain (plus at this time she contracted Covid in the hospital) it has accelerated. This last six months I have seen quite a big difference. She knows she’s losing her memory and it frustrates her. We as a family are absolutely not trying to control her, and I’m saddened that one or two posters have read that into my post.

She asked my husband for sweets too, and he took them in and she said they were
horrible. She asked me for jelly babies because she said she likes them, so I took some
in and she then ate one and said she doesn’t like them. She asked my DiL for Bovril
which DiL took in only for mum to say she doesn’t like it, bring Oxo instead.

I wrote those words yesterday. Some posters could see how manipulative this behaviour is whilst others ignored it or didn’t understand it. There are many more examples of this. Consequently I’m quite upset that I’ve been accused of trying to control her. I also acknowledged yesterday that it must feel that like all control has been lost if a person has to move into a care home. I understand that. Nonetheless this particular care home respects the residents choices and gives residents many opportunities to make choices about their own life. Many residents go out, but unfortunately because mum is now completely immobile (needing a hoist to get into and out of bed) we cannot take mum further than the care home garden.

Anyway, my husband visited yesterday and told mum it was inappropriate to give gifts to carers unless it was a joint gift for the staff room, or the carer was leaving. She just accepted it and said she didn’t know it was that expensive and she thought it was too much money really. So problem now solved. However I will have a word about gift giving with the manager/deputy manager when I can catch one of them (I don’t want to make an appointment and make it too big an issue) and ask about the policy. I certainly won’t mention the name of the carer because I don’t want her to get into trouble at all.

Many thanks to everyone for your replies. I was asking for advice about giving the alcohol and nothing else. I provided information about mum’s daily requests for things as background. I know some posters are aware of the struggles I’ve had with mum over my whole life and are very supportive towards me. It is difficult to describe how having a very controlling mother affects a person, but it certainly does over the whole life. Unlike my sister I have not shied from the responsibility of having an elderly and often difficult parent, but have faced up to it, and given the best possible care always, but particularly during lockdowns when she was at home and afterwards as her health deteriorated. We have visited all the time, taken her to every appointment, done her shopping, decorating, repairs where possible, did all her laundry, taken her out and included her in every family occasion every week whilst she lived in the flat. It’s sad that that some people see this as controlling behaviour on our part.

Just thought I'd quote this in case some haven't seen it.

??

I don't know this person, I have no wish to know this person, this person does not know me.

I expect she's quite relieved about that

Exactly icanhandthemback A public forum isn't the best place if the OP is of an extremely sensitive disposition with an extensive back story and seemingly unaware that not everyone who responds to what appears to be a fairly anodyne post knows or is neccessarily interested in the back story.

I do not appreciate my innocent but possibly robust remarks being drawn into what is clearly an ongoing situation and being subtly villified for it. As far as I can see, the OP isn't so sensitive that she can't respond fairly robustly with her own insensitive, triggering, completely false assumptions.

I don't know this person, I have no wish to know this person, this person does not know me.

Having read the OP's further information and reply earlier, I would study Dementia if I was in her shoes. It sounds to me like her mother may have Vascular Dementia and her behaviour is definitely typical of that. With Dementia the persons characteristic often change completely but at other times it exaggerates previous characteristics instead. If this is the case OP needs to learn to live in her mothers world. Why she is so reluctant to make an appointment with the care home I cannot imagine, her mother is paying for their service and they all need the support and advice they can get. The care home will be well aware that the mother has Dementia if that is the case and should seek a diagnoses to get the additional support and funding when time comes.

i was a carer in a care home and i am sure carers are not allowed to accept any gift from either a resident or member of their family, please do not buy this for your mother and tell your dil the same as if your mother gets and gives to this carer the carer could be sacked, i suggest you speak to either the carer in qestion or mention to the manager.

I expect threads are picked up by an algorithm for the newsletter. If you don't want it on the newsletter, then posting a popular thread on GN isn't the place to do it.

jerseygirl

This is not acceptable. You need to speak to whoever is in charge at the home about this.
Regarding asking you to buy things. This could be controlling behaviour or possibly a little bit of confusion. You need to make her aware that she doesn't need these things and you aren't going to do it.

If it's the beginning of dementia perhaps it would be best to say "Yes Mum" then forget all about the soup etc, just bring the shopping which is reasonable. Don't mention the soup again.

As for the carer then she has probably been unwittingly drawn into this but it's best to have a friendly chat with the care home manager to clarify what is going on.

The daily email/newsletter tags to certain threads and this was one of them and may be why there has been some really quite insensitive responses. I just don't understand why GNHQ would decide to tag personal threads like this

JaneJudge

maddyone, I didn't read anything controlling in your post at all. I'm sorry you've been upset by some of the responses. It was really insensitive that this thread was tagged to in the gransnet newsletter

What?

I have never looked at the gransnet newsletter but yes, threads are often picked up by the media and published too.

maddyone I’m glad the alcohol problem has been sorted and you have a strategy for checking with staff about gifts etc.

Your care of your mum under the circumstances does you great credit. I know first-hand that dealing with a demanding parent is emotionally draining and yet you’ve been steadfast in looking after and supporting her for a very long time. ?

maddyone, I didn't read anything controlling in your post at all. I'm sorry you've been upset by some of the responses. It was really insensitive that this thread was tagged to in the gransnet newsletter

The problem is merlotgran what is given in the spirit of friendly advice can often lead to unpleasant assumptions about the personalities of the posters offering the friendly advice if it doesn't chime with the expected view.

I agree with Iam. I joined Gransnet in 2012 via a link from AgeUK. There was a thread running about care home issues at the time so I joined in but then hastily asked HQ to change my username because I had serious concerns about my mother’s care and realised I could be identified.

We all know anyone can read posts on a public forum but I don’t think it would be fair to ask for advice from members then use the thread as back up in a private discussion with the home manager.

Far better to just take the comments in the spirit in which they are given which is friendly advice.

Anyone at anytime can join GN and rootle around, see a user name, Google it and up pops previous posts Iam64

Mallin

An old school friend opened a care home many years ago. Her daughter took over when she retired. I chatted to both about this and as normal in this establishment, residents joined in the conversation. ( our conversation took place in a lounge where residents can sit and chat comfortably )
The two residents who joined us were both former professionals, both who can no longer walk unaided but have great fun scooting about on small mobility scooters. The general opinion of all 4 ladies was that the patients daughter should ask whoever runs the care home for a private chat. And instead of attempting to explain the matter, should show him or her what has been published in Gransnet.

I don’t know how maddyone will feel about this post. I understand this is a public forum but I’m uncomfortable about the kind of ‘discussion’ and suggestion this thread be used in any meeting maddyone may have with the manager.

Pleased it has been sorted, (OPs reply Thursday 28th 09.58)

No wonder it's so difficult to recruit carers. Why would you put up with what they have to put up with for less than a tenner an hour?

Bring in the robots!