I’m quite disturbed about this, is it acceptable?

maddyone - this all sounds so very familiar, as my mother was just the same! Still, it was her lifelong personality (just exaggerated in old age) so no surprise to me!

She was mentally unwell, a rotten mother - and a nightmare. Staff in her (three) luxury care homes, where she spent her final year, said they'd never had such a difficult, hostile and demanding resident.

How did I cope? As I had no fond relationship with her, I visited weekly, made a list of her 'needs' - and took the items on the next visit. I refused to go on errands.

Her newspaper was sent to the home from a local newsagent. I ordered stuff online (mainly from that notorious yet convenient supplier) and I set firm limits on what I was prepared to do.

From her point of view, though, she felt insecure/powerless without spending money at hand. She gave small tips to 'favourite' staff and hairdressers (no problem, really - as it was her money, after all, so she had a right to spend it). She 'needed' many things to feel happy.

She had to feel in control - and controlling - hence the constant demands. She'd always had her many needs, whims and fancies indulged (thanks to my ever loving father) so it was a way of life for her.

Therefore, she just loved the idea of us all running around the shops for her - looking for ever more exotic, rare and difficult things - often 'not suitable' when received!

I just made it as easy as possible for myself. I felt better when I tried to keep her happy (or at least less angry) as she was my mother, after all, and not well - so I felt duty bound to help out.

Maybe your mum just likes buying things maddyone? It's a care home she's in not a jail. If she's got it into her head she wants a Pot Noodle, for whatever reason, it's her money to do with as she likes.

Her carer might have said quite innocently and in normal conversation, "I was out for a meal the other night and we had Disaronno with our coffee, have you ever tried it?" like you would to anyone you were chatting with and your mum might have thought "Ooh that sounds lovely, I don't drink but why not at my age, I'll give it a go". Disarronno is lovely, I'm quite a fan of it myself.

Why should she not give something new a try without the sinister thought that some poor carer doing a difficult job, that very few people want to do, is on the make?

It would drive me nuts if my purchases - most of them modestly priced it seems - were being vetted. She might just be wanting to feel part of general life again, to feel a bit of autonomy, instead of yet another control however well intentioned.

yes, i wondered about that.
some people find it easier to run personal relations along transactional lines.
by requesting items she can have an expectation that you will return with said item, ie that you will come to see her again.
reminds me of the small child asking for a glass of water etc, so as not to be left alone in a dark room.

Is she trying to prove to herself that you love her? That you will get anything she asks for?

Maybe let her ramble on about what she wants while you’re there. Then, buy nothing from her list - would she remember ? You could take in a magazine, flowers or sweets -
If she complains, just say nothing extra is needed as it’s all provided & you can let the cook know about food she fancies.
Tell her presents for staff are only allowed at Xmas, then it would be best just to provide a box of sweets or biscuits to share in their staff room

Absolutely not. Would not be allowed and should be reported. The only things she might need are squash, toiletries, biscuits. Very small amounts of money as she does not need it. I'm sure if she had a haircut etc the home would tell you. It is totally against protocols for gifts to carers like that.

The carer might not be aware that your mum wants to buy it as a gift for her.

What happens to the tins of soup etc? What does your mum do with them as she isn't cooking anything?

The alcohol thing needs to be discussed.
As for shopping. Perhaps you could tell her to make a list each time you go and bring the requested items with you and tell her you don't want to go out shopping once you're there.
Your mother does seem to make a lot of unnecessary purchases. I think you need to be firm and say no you don't need x. You can do this without being rude.
It's OK to be assertive.
Someone suggests visiting less to be appreciated. I think you should visit as often as you want to, as long as you're not overdoing it energywise.

Oh maddyone I’m so sad to realise your Mum still has you at her beck and call, it really is time you thought about you. It sounds like she’s being really well looked after, but still, for whatever reason, expects you to attend to her every whim.
As for the alcohol, I think you need a long chat with the manager and if this particular carer is your Mum's key worker, that needs to change.
Take care

When I worked as a carer ( home care ) we were told that under no circumstances were we to accept anything other than chocolates, shower gels
flowers. At Christmas, we were all sent a printed out sheet and if anyone gave us anything, we had to write it down and hand the sheet into the office.

1 year 1 of the people I had been going to for a few years wanted to give me a bottle of brandy, i had to say THANK YOU SO MUCH but I can't accept. I felt really awful BUT I was given strict instructions.

A friend of mine at work had been given £10 in a birthday card by a lovely lady that was 1 of my friends regular ladies her went to with work, she had to tell work and she was instructed to give the £10 back....

ask in general about her seeming extra needs

Yes, this is the best approach.

maddyone

Yes, I think that she wants to treat the carer, but the carer must know because mum called her into her room and got her to show me the product on her phone.

Did the conversation make clear that a gift was going to be bought for the carer?
Or did she just think she was showing you something that your mum wanted you to see?
It's possible that if the gift is offered, the carer would then refuse.

You do need to make management aware that your mum was intending to do this. Thy can address the situation with their staff.

The carer may be innocent they may have been having a conversation about drink likes mum asked carer what she liked carer told mum, mum said she d never heard of it so carer googled it to show mum could be quite innocent so maybe don’t go in to management with this as the main story but ask in general about her seeming extra needs

Iam64

The gift for the carer sounds dodgy maddyone. I’m sure it’s against rules or protocol to give gifts of any kind. It all sounds most peculiar.
It’s a good idea to speak to the manager. I remember your mum being quite demanding. I’d be inclined to be less willing to fulfill her demands. Look after yourself

I agree.

It's very odd that she is asking for tins of soup, other foodstuffs, money, etc
Clothes perhaps if they're the kind she would normally wear but how many does she need?

I'd definitely be asking some questions.

Shandy57

This has made me wonder, are all the things you have been buying going to this 'carer'?

MIL had a carer at her own home who was doing this.
Food from the freezer, taking her bedlinen home to wash which was never returned, selling her fake goods etc.

Did the carer have the picture just to show your mum what it was she was talking about rather than it is what she wanted, did the carer actually tell you it would be for her?

I cannot imagine the carer would risk her job for a £16 bottle of alcohol.

When your mother asks for inappropriate shopping just say no you do not need it.

Our uncle was giving his carer money a lot of money it should have never been accepted.

You should simply refuse to get items requested and make sure minimal amount of money is available to spend. Visit less often and you will be more appreciated.

When she asks you to go out and buy things, just tell her that the shop has sold out.
If she doesn’t have dementia she will soon get the message, someone has to stop this behaviour and I’m afraid it’s you and your sister.

The gift for the carer sounds dodgy maddyone. I’m sure it’s against rules or protocol to give gifts of any kind. It all sounds most peculiar.
It’s a good idea to speak to the manager. I remember your mum being quite demanding. I’d be inclined to be less willing to fulfill her demands. Look after yourself

Poor you, maddyone - can't do right for doing wrong and having extra worry about your Mum even though she's now in a Care Home and despite your visits and attempting to cater to her various needs.

I would think a word with the Home would put your mind at rest, but it is very important that the Home Manager makes it clear to both staff and residents (and this is usually stated in the home's brochure and rules for those looking for a place as well as staff members) that sums of money - other than small sums - should be lodged in the Home's safe and signed for if residents are able to take charge of small sums themselves. No gifts should be bought or ever accepted by any members of staff and if something important is required as a purchase by a resident's family, this should also be mentioned to the Home Manager because it's not unusual for residents to develop odd ideas or make claims regarding alleged theft of their possessions etc.,

Your Mum should be informed often that the large sum paid for her fees includes all of her care. Personal items - make up, toiletries, new clothing, etc., can be discussed with her family but certainly all her care, meals, outings from the Home, laundry, cleaning, would be included in the fees. It is not unusual for items such as the bill for visiting hairdresser, chiropodist, delivery of newspapers and magazines to be extras, and payment for such items can always be agreed by the family and be paid for along with the monthly Care Home fees as normal. There is no need - and it's quite risky - for your Mum to have access to any sums of money or be handling cheques or cash herself in an environment which is not as private as you would possibly like.

It does sound very much as if your Mother is exercising her remaining bits of 'power' - ordering you around, getting your DiL to run about like a servant if something is wrong, and certainly in wishing you to buy 'presents' on her behalf for staff. Any decent Home Management would frown on the purchase of alcohol for staff by vulnerable or elderly folk in their care. This could lead to all sorts of abuse.

Not sure how long she has been in a Care Home, but maybe she still feels that this is not her home, more like an Hotel, if she thinks that items can still be delivered from her previous home and that you will jump each time she gives an order! Whatever her motives, I'd agree with your DH, and irrespective of her age I reckon that she still thinks she can control you. Maybe this is because you are letting her? Being very kind now and very understanding, BUT very firm, might work better. And don't feel guilty. Many people in Care Homes have no visitors or anyone to be interested in them. Your Mum is lucky because you and your family are obviously doing your very best, so please stop worrying and try to stop being her lackey.

Why not check with the staff that she is eating well and, if necessary, keep an eye on her weight. I'm sure she will be weighed regularly and records kept. If she is eating well and her weight's stable, she'll have no need for Pot Noodles, Oxo, tins of soup or anything else. Asking for something she fancies when her meals are discussed is the way forward. This is no longer your job, you must just encourage her to speak up to those who are running the restaurant where she now eats!

I wish you the best of luck and hope that your Mother settles.

I remember your previous post about how your mum gets you running round after her, Maddyone. It’s really not on and there’s one little word that can stop it. No. I cannot see how your mother can fight against a refusal. You cannot control your mother’s actions but you are able to control your own actions. You have the power to end this.

The alcohol thing - it sounds wrong and I would not buy it.

I don’t know, it’s just disturbed me. I’m definitely going to speak to management about it. I can’t go in for the next couple of days but my husband says he’ll go tomorrow and he’s going to tell mum it’s not the done thing. It could get bigger couldn’t it? Mum could have me getting things for all the carers. Whenever mum dies we will certainly give a gift, but that’s different.

Surely a carer wouldn't openly show you what your mum is planning to buy her?
It makes no sense.

But surely it is not acceptable to be giving alcohol in a nursing home situation except perhaps at Christmas and surely the carer should be declining not actively showing what she wants?