Poor you, maddyone - can't do right for doing wrong and having extra worry about your Mum even though she's now in a Care Home and despite your visits and attempting to cater to her various needs.
I would think a word with the Home would put your mind at rest, but it is very important that the Home Manager makes it clear to both staff and residents (and this is usually stated in the home's brochure and rules for those looking for a place as well as staff members) that sums of money - other than small sums - should be lodged in the Home's safe and signed for if residents are able to take charge of small sums themselves. No gifts should be bought or ever accepted by any members of staff and if something important is required as a purchase by a resident's family, this should also be mentioned to the Home Manager because it's not unusual for residents to develop odd ideas or make claims regarding alleged theft of their possessions etc.,
Your Mum should be informed often that the large sum paid for her fees includes all of her care. Personal items - make up, toiletries, new clothing, etc., can be discussed with her family but certainly all her care, meals, outings from the Home, laundry, cleaning, would be included in the fees. It is not unusual for items such as the bill for visiting hairdresser, chiropodist, delivery of newspapers and magazines to be extras, and payment for such items can always be agreed by the family and be paid for along with the monthly Care Home fees as normal. There is no need - and it's quite risky - for your Mum to have access to any sums of money or be handling cheques or cash herself in an environment which is not as private as you would possibly like.
It does sound very much as if your Mother is exercising her remaining bits of 'power' - ordering you around, getting your DiL to run about like a servant if something is wrong, and certainly in wishing you to buy 'presents' on her behalf for staff. Any decent Home Management would frown on the purchase of alcohol for staff by vulnerable or elderly folk in their care. This could lead to all sorts of abuse.
Not sure how long she has been in a Care Home, but maybe she still feels that this is not her home, more like an Hotel, if she thinks that items can still be delivered from her previous home and that you will jump each time she gives an order! Whatever her motives, I'd agree with your DH, and irrespective of her age I reckon that she still thinks she can control you. Maybe this is because you are letting her? Being very kind now and very understanding, BUT very firm, might work better. And don't feel guilty. Many people in Care Homes have no visitors or anyone to be interested in them. Your Mum is lucky because you and your family are obviously doing your very best, so please stop worrying and try to stop being her lackey.
Why not check with the staff that she is eating well and, if necessary, keep an eye on her weight. I'm sure she will be weighed regularly and records kept. If she is eating well and her weight's stable, she'll have no need for Pot Noodles, Oxo, tins of soup or anything else. Asking for something she fancies when her meals are discussed is the way forward. This is no longer your job, you must just encourage her to speak up to those who are running the restaurant where she now eats!
I wish you the best of luck and hope that your Mother settles.
