Is this enough in your view ?

Sadly, as we get older, we do lose family, and friends to various diseases. Sad, but she should avoid thinking negatively.
Try to get her to be positive and count her blessings. Tell her to think of all the things that CAN do that other of her friends no longer can.
Sounds selfish perhaps, but keeping positive is important. Without being positive, she is giving up on life.
We are both over 80 and still do the things that we enjoy.
Yes, we are sad that we have lost friends who are younger than us, but life is not for the faint hearted.

I became the sole family member involved with my Mum for the last 3 years of her life (with a small input from my kids).
My siblings abandoned her for their own reasons but mainly
because she was difficult, mean and miserable to be around.

It was exhausting, unrewarding and depressing but as I'd moved her to a retirement home near me I felt a duty to do
my best.

I held her hand untill she took her last breath and felt so
priviliged in that moment and since then I have missed her
but also felt at peace with myself that I did my best. My
siblings still struggle with guilt.
It is very hard when they are so difficult but has its rewards
eventually.

So sorry Lucca ?

MawtheMerrier

Well said Lucca

Agree totally with the above.

Well said Lucca

I'd say it's old age, all my mother does is complain, complain, complain ?

My mother complained incessantly for 30 years after my father died which made her resentful (not sad!). The result was that we all ended up dreading our visits to her.

Just a little perspective I’d like to give to these old people who complain that life isnt so great.. I’m 72 and have terminal cancer, what wouldn’t I give to have the prospect of living to be 80 !

Really wish I had visited my mum more. When they are gone you never get that chance again. Miss her so much even now over 20 yrs later.

As an older gran I can idenify with your Mum. especially won'tdo, can't do etc.
I have various minor medical issues and blame those Sometimes.I wonder if we're suffering from a form of senile depression which comes and goes. I don't even want to answer the phone to someone who I know will say "How are you?"
Please don't blame yourself or family members.

biglouis it’s lovely that your grandmother was able to live at home right to the end, but sadly it is not the norm. Even with carers and our daily input (which she had whilst she did live at home until one year ago) my mother can no longer live safely at home. Despite the difficulties that we’ve had with our relationship, I would never allow her to be uncared for, nor to allow her to be unsafe. We visit her in her care home regularly. I go about four times a week, my husband will go at least once, my DiL goes every Friday, and her grandchildren go at the weekends. She is visited on almost every day. We are also in the process of selling her flat, and for now we have to deal with all the business end of seeing to that. I have POA and look after all things financial for her. I’m nearly seventy, I’m ready to live my own life now without these responsibilities but it is what it is. I have to do it.

Im assuming you mother is still mobile and you say she drives. She would be getting quite a stern "be thanbkful for what you have" talk from me.

My grandmother was 96 when she died and lived alone and independently (with family support) til the end. The last few years she was not able to walk far but one family member came each day to do shopping/housework and chat. I visited every sunday despite a demanding work schedule and often for an hour after work in the week.

My grandmother would have hated that anyone found her a burden and never complained of being lonely. She had no TV - only a radio - as she would never allow her house to be fitted with electricity! Gas only. She was left a widow in her early 60s and lived on for almost 30 years without my grandpa so she learned to make a life for herself.

You sound very good & kind,you are all doing your best,does she read,watch Netflix,audiobooks,you tube has lots of interesting things can you suggest these——-I used to visit an old lady who was lonely ( family never visited)and tried to suggest these ideas

I think you sound a supportive family so your mum is very lucky , so many Ac turn a blind eye,

Thanks for your comments Katy. I do hope things will improve for you soon. And for me too. The OP’s mother is only 80 and quite likely to live a good while yet, so it’s imperative that she sets boundaries now rather than arrive in the situation I’m in later on in a few years time. Good luck to you Katy and to the OP.

IMO you are certainly doing enough and so is the rest of the family.

From your description your mother is still able to get around, to take care of herself and to garden.

She may, like most, after a long marriage feel lonely and not really up to coping alone, but do continue to encourage her to do so, rather than allowing her to take the easy option and become dependent on her adult children for "curing" her lonliness - only she can do that, by getting out and doing things while she still can.

We have an organisation called Good Life Sorted. They are wonderful and provide a companion for however long you need. Age UK provide visitors. Sometimes the church will provide visitors. Communicare will prove people to take your mum shopping.

Good to hear from you again Maddy. Sorry your mum is so poorly, and things are still difficult, I agree that it seems to be going on forever. I also resonate with the piece of elastic Callistemon I think mine will break soon it’s very stretched between mum , work and Granddchildren.
I fantasise about running away with DH somewhere lovely, but of course the love for my family keep me going.
The boundaries thing is very important, but even with that, it’s difficult, it stills takes over a big chunk of your headspace ? we’re hoping to get away soon, but wether I’ll be able to relax is another thing.

What a lovely helpful bunch you are ! …. It’s given me a bit of perspective.

I can understand how you feel, GibraltarRock42, it's like being a piece of elastic, being pulled in all directions.

We had this with my late MIL,we saw her ,had her stay a week or two every few weeks and I called her most days .Her daughter restrcted visits to delivering her shopping once a week .
MIL was lonely mainly because of covid and she asked me if I'd go and live with her for half the week ...every week .Much as I loved her ,and I did ,I refused .I felt and still feel guilty about it but I have a daughter who is chronically ill grandchildren I help with and a husband with a heart condition.
I know she was hurt that I said no,she knew she could move in with us but she didn't want to move that far from her other family and friends .Sadly she died just before Christmas .
Advice? Just do what you can and make sure she knows you love her but that you need family time too.See if you can find a club she can go to during the week and I believe that AGE UK have telephone befrienders who will call for a chat .
Its really hard to step back when you know they need you but dont be like me ,I should have had words with my SIL and made sure she took her share of caring ,get your siblings to be more involved if you can.Good luck with this .

KatyJ I’m in a similar position to you. My mother is 94 and a half now and lives in a beautiful care home (for the last year since her third fall in six months caused her to break her shoulder.) She takes no part in the many lovely activities that the home provides despite my encouragement. I’ve given up now because all she wants is for me to visit her every day. I don’t go every day (I used to, and also when she lived in her sheltered apartment too) because with the encouragement of helpful posters on Gransnet I know it’s unreasonable to do so, but I feel very guilty for not doing as she wishes. Her life is horrible, she’s unable to stand up or walk any longer and needs a hoist to get her into and out of bed. She suffers from many ailments, some real, others imaginary. She requests to see the doctor every week with some ailment or other. She complains a lot, and says she wants to die. Does she? Or is it attention seeking? She’s always been an attention seeker all her life. And not a particularly good mother either. It’s hard Katy and I hope the situation doesn’t go on too long for you. My situation seems to be lasting forever to me. My sister takes little interest and absolutely no responsibility. She has mental issues and lives 250 miles away. She never visits at all. When we lived 250 miles away we visited mother several times a year and brought her to visit us.
My advice to you and the OP is to try to not feel guilty, but I know it’s hard because I battle with guilt myself.

Perhaps you could suggest that she joins Gransnet. It can be addictive and use up huge chunks of the day, which might be just what your mother needs! She doesn't need to participate much or at all if she doesn't want to, but just following threads and getting to recognise some of the regulars and their stories would give her an interest as well as making her count her blessings!

You are doing enough. Your mum is very lucky to have you and your two siblings all living reasonably nearby and visiting and spending time with her regularly. Of course she misses your dad but she must adjust to life without him now. It’s difficult for her but it’s not up to you to fill his place completely. Don’t worry because you’re doing enough. Don’t let her guilt trip you into doing more because you could live to regret it.

Does she like cats? Cats are apparently less trouble than dogs but it would be something to talk to.

Personally, if someone brought me a cat I would say no thank you! but if she is a cat person having one to care for and talk to might ease her loneliness.

Is there maybe a lunch club locally?
I used to work with an charity organisation who ran these.
They collected members in a small coach/?bus and each fortnight/month went out somewhere for lunch.
New friends, new places and a trip. It wasn't expensive.