Grandchildren

My view on that is that many people don’t really want solutions. They want to unburden themselves of their view and then that is often enough for them!

What I find intriguing about this post , and others too is the poster puts out her ‘ problem ‘ but then seems to disappear ? I assume you wouldn’t go to the bother of spilling out your personal problems without actually reading the replies , so why no response. ? It’s generated four pages of ‘ advice ‘ from others , all with various opinions and recommendations but not a single word from the original person. Strange

I saw mine once every twelve years so once a month feels very regular to me.

What is life coming to I ask myself? As grandparents we say oh once a month is quite reasonable. I don't think it IS reasonable but I do know the busy card is always played and we accept it. We are afraid to lose our sons and grandchildren altogether. The only way forward that I can suggest is to invite them over for dinner one night. It could maybe even be a week night if they live so close. Let us know how that one goes down.

This thread, or some posts anyway, have helped give me some understanding of my own MIL. She decided that she'd rather not see us at all than see us once a month. (We lived in a different city). It was also not acceptable that we didn't travel to them at Christmas. Obviously that was too difficult for her. It seems like a strange perspective to me as it's throwing out the baby with the bathwater. As long as she's happy with the choice she made all those years ago, I guess.

When I was growing up in the 50s and 60s my grandparents only lived about 12 miles away but we were poor and my parents could only afford the bus fare to visit them every 6 to 8 weeks. In the whole scheme of things this did not matter . I loved them very much . My DGF died just after my marriage in 1972 and my lovely DGM didn’t die until I was 36 . I had lots of years with them which many people don’t get so I know I was lucky but it shows that you don’t have to see them frequently in order to love them . Quality over quantity x x

Our eldest daughter lives two hours+ away.
We make an effort to meet up probably every month to six weeks, we are often joined by her in-laws who we like very much, and our youngest daughter and her family.
To be fair, our daughters are better at arranging things than us, there is always something on the go, days out, short breaks, activities the children enjoy.
I know we’re fortunate in that our daughters are family girls, but sometimes we quite yearn for a peaceful day out on our own!

I think it is usual for the girls parents to have more quality time with the grandchildren I remind my friends who have daughters to involve their son in laws parents and then they can stop moaning how much more that they do. why not when you retire pick the eldest up from school once a week and take them home for an hour or two.

I agree with several of the posts, you have to enjoy and make the best of the time you have with them, no point moping. We are in a similar situation, our eldest daughter lives 200+ miles away, so we don’t have day to day contact with her 3 children. It is hard,they are out only grandchildren. When you see friends locally doing school pick-ups, birthdays etc. But it is what it is.
The kids still know us, and we do get quality time together, but not regularly. Every time you see them they have grown and altered a little, but as other posts have said, it’s their life, we have to accept that.

Iam64

happycatholicwife1

YANBU! Anyone with an iota of kindness would make a bit more of an effort to include you. Actually being married does have bearing on this because it promises a more stable relationship and, therefore, more chance that you will be able to see your grandchildren in the future. If the partner decides your son is not for her, then what? She moves on with tons of support from her parents, and you and your son may be left in the lurch. It's quite possible if she's unreasonable toward you that she's putting pressure on your son to keep you out of the picture. I feel for you, though I have not experienced this. I wish there were a way you could speak to your son, but it doesn't sound like she lets him out of her eyesight. Honestly, I've been surprised at some of the really unkind remarks you have received here on GN. Perhaps go to a bit more counseling and pray. Of course, you should have other hobbies and interests, but no amount of painting or gardening is going to replace the love of a grandchild. You have my sympathy.

Wow. What a life belief system.

Quite.

Why do DIL's automatically get the blame? The sons are adults, and quite capable of doing as they wish, with visits.

Being married didn't stop me removing my toxic ex MIL from my life, and that of my children. She would have caused them emotional harm. ?

My ex husband had the choice about what to do in regards to his mother.

But, on a general level, ACs are generally busy, and grandchildren have their own stuff going on.

Grandparents are, rightly, not the first priority.

Just enjoy the visits, be fun to be with, not needy and moaning, and it'll all work out.?

My son doesn’t have children, I wonder if he did, I would feel excluded if his children were much closer to his partners parents.
I suppose I may have a little pang of envy now and again, but I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t mind.
As Gramaretto says, there are many ways of having a relationship with your grandchildren.

Don't know where OP has got to but these posts are helpful in reminding us all that there are a multitude of ways of being a good DGP without necessarily counting the times we see the DGC and making unhealthy comparisons.
As for deliberately cutting ties with your AC because they aren't paying you enough attention! What a petulant and foolish thing to think.

Even though I never got on with my mother, and really disliked visiting, I took my oldest children to visit once a week.
There was never any question of us doing
anything together, so I would just wait in her house while she took them out.
We are now completely estranged, but my children still have a relationship with her, so it’s not only daughters in law, not all mother/daughter relationships work.

I suppose then living so close makes it harder..mine live 3 hours drive away and once a month or 6 weeks or a bit less. I'm a single gran and go up to stay in the week and help out with busy lives, both parents work.

No one has to put themselves out for me, ie I dont expect adult time or guest status, I fit in the getting breakfasts and dressing 4 under 10's and play with them after school and bath time. Hard work, rewarding cuddles: I hope for more adult time when kids older, and this way I don't disturb their weekend plans. And yes, DiL is closer to her mum than I am with my son, its the way of things.

happycatholicwife1

Hi there, yet we all know how many fathers are isolated from their children by a breakup in the relationship or marriage. It happens a great deal, sadly.

We also know how many fathers walk away from their children even though the mothers may not be standing in their way. This is more prevalent apparently where the child is female.

Phew. There are some unusual attitudes to family to grand parenting, to relationships expressed here

I can understand that you feel upset but how about making part of the contact about asking , the mother especially, how tired or overstretched they might be feeling? Two young kids is hard work!
I don't know the personalities involved, so I don't know what could work.
Try to be a listening and supportive person. Maybe they don't get good sleep, have money to worry about etc.
Perhaps make a meal for them to take away when they collect the kids.. or if you go there take something home made for them to have an easy meal. It's a very positive thing you have offered. I know my daughter who is always working hard appreciates that a lot.

Try to be useful, if it's possible, and you may get more contact. Then you are not 'needing more' but offering more'.

Don't mention needing to see the children more... that's a pressure on them.

One thing is for sure... how you choose to proceed just now will either open up possibilities or shut them down. Criticism or resentful negative vibes will definitely shut things down.

And perhaps for now, quite simply, they are offering as much as they feel able to.

grannyheartache that sort of thinking is not healthy.

I would suggest urgent counselling or therapy which might ultimately improve your relationships with your son and the woman he chose.

Wow.

We have had this same issue with one DIL although the other has embraced us as grandparents from day one. The rejection is heartbreaking and I, too, have considered severing all ties thinking a one off huge pain might be easier than the repeated small ones. Before my other grandchildren were born I very seriously contemplated and planned suicide, having looked forward for so long to having grandchildren and thinking I was such a failure.
We do see the more distant grandchildren about 3 times a year, usually for 2 nights, one whole day. This is much, much less than several friends who have family a similar distance apart. Then she usually finds a compelling reason why they need to arrive late or leave early. Meanwhile she has never lived more than half an hour away from her parents who are completely involved in all their lives.It’s the same with friends. Her friends are now their friends, my son’s friends are still his friends. Unfortunately she doesn’t like any of us and nothing we do changes that.
We have an adequate long distance relationship with our 2 grandchildren while, luckily, we are very close to the other 2 and we have to settle for that. I honestly don’t think my son can see the problem. We’re hanging on in here, just trying to be loving grandparents. It’s all you can do.
Oh, and we both have very busy lives outside of family. Unfortunately no amount of socialising with friends or pursuing hobbies will ever take away this pain.
I think some of the people on here have never had to deal with this.

has OP come back at all ?

Our AC are now well into middle age, our GC grown up and we are old. Everyone is very busy and we had a very busy life ourselves before the lockdowns. Life has changed now and having covid doesn't help. I would try and go with the flow, get out with each other and don't ask specifically to see them at all for a while, just chat about how they all are etc. Once a month is better than nothing at all, if they were further away it would be good. The family WhatApp is a good idea.

happycatholicwife1

YANBU! Anyone with an iota of kindness would make a bit more of an effort to include you. Actually being married does have bearing on this because it promises a more stable relationship and, therefore, more chance that you will be able to see your grandchildren in the future. If the partner decides your son is not for her, then what? She moves on with tons of support from her parents, and you and your son may be left in the lurch. It's quite possible if she's unreasonable toward you that she's putting pressure on your son to keep you out of the picture. I feel for you, though I have not experienced this. I wish there were a way you could speak to your son, but it doesn't sound like she lets him out of her eyesight. Honestly, I've been surprised at some of the really unkind remarks you have received here on GN. Perhaps go to a bit more counseling and pray. Of course, you should have other hobbies and interests, but no amount of painting or gardening is going to replace the love of a grandchild. You have my sympathy.

Wow. What a life belief system.

Hi there, yet we all know how many fathers are isolated from their children by a breakup in the relationship or marriage. It happens a great deal, sadly.

Three grandchildren live with us, and three live a couple of hours away, obviously we see one lot much more than the others.
The youngest of the distant children, I usually have down in school holidays, and although I love the others, and I have a special soft spot for the oldest, I am resigned to seeing very little of them now.
They have their own lives to lead, and we are pretty low on their list of priorities, not upset at all, it’s the way things are.