Grans who had an only child...

Brave post, Dilly. As parents we can only do the best as we see it at the time.

*in my defence I thought I was being fair, I spent exactly the same monetarily on them both, but I made one do chores, but then cooked, did washing, ironing, housework for the younger son till his mid twenties, which I wouldn’t have let the elder get away with. I also used to defend him, I think I always saw him as my baby and didn’t realise the damage I was doing to their brotherly relationship.

I don’t know, my sons are not close at all. One is a mummy’s boy & one is very independent. They are only a couple of years apart, I wouldn’t say they don’t like each other but they have very little in common and only really talk to each other in full family zooms (which are very rare).
They both live in abroad in different countries, but I can’t see their relationship developing further.
It is partly my own fault, the youngest one was clingy and I pandered to him which led to the elder brother becoming resentful and putting his energy into his relationship with his group of friends and growing away from his brother.
If you do have another, my advice is to be very very careful of playing favourites, it’s so easy to do. Took me therapy to realise my mistakes.

Maybe not Blondiescot but none of us will ever know the other experience will we?

nightowl

As others have said, it’s when you’re an adult that it really hits home. Being the only one to support ailing parents, make decisions on their behalf (including being asked about DNR), sitting by their bedside as they die, clearing their (and your) home and clearing away your own childhood is perhaps the loneliest time of your life. And then to realise there is no one left who shares your memories, it feels as though a part of you has died with them.

I’m sorry to be so negative, it’s sad when there is no choice, but I was always determined that I would never wish my experience on anyone.

I honestly don't think having a sibling would have made that any easier.

I think there are ad many problems in larger families.
They're just different ones.

As others have said, it’s when you’re an adult that it really hits home. Being the only one to support ailing parents, make decisions on their behalf (including being asked about DNR), sitting by their bedside as they die, clearing their (and your) home and clearing away your own childhood is perhaps the loneliest time of your life. And then to realise there is no one left who shares your memories, it feels as though a part of you has died with them.

I’m sorry to be so negative, it’s sad when there is no choice, but I was always determined that I would never wish my experience on anyone.

We have three children, now grown up and starting families of their own. It was lovely when they were small, watching them play together and occasionally fight and argue, but they loved each other and are still very close even though they do not live near each other and one in another country. I like to think that when we are no longer on this earth, they will support each other in time of need and remain friends as well as siblings.

I have spent my life working with children and families, and there is no 'right' family. IMHO this is what works:
If you are lucky enough to have choices, then you do what feels right to you (as an individual and as a couple). If you don't have choices (for many reasons) then you make the best of whatever family you are blessed with.
Love, and understanding others' point of view is important. One of the happiest couples that I am fortunate enough to call my friends are both only children.
It sounds as if you are making your choice that works for you now. No-one knows if, on looking back you will think it was the right choice. What I do know is that if you make it for the right reasons, and work to make the best of it, then it WILL be the right choice.
good luck

Not Spaghetti - I was the same. My parents had been married 12 years before having me (after being told they probably would never have children), so my cousins were all very much older than me and all lived far away anyway. Apart from my grandparents, we had no close family nearby and it never really bothered me. I was never lonely either. I loved being alone as a child and even now I'm more than happy in my own company. An only child certainly doesn't have to be a 'lonely' child.

Much depends on the size and location of the wider family.

Is this really true?
I was a single child and so was my father. He had wider family close by - I had no "wider family" of my generation at all. I had no aunts/uncles/grandparents and still had a truly happy, full childhood.
I was never lonely.

My mother didn't want an only child, but ended up with just me. My parents did their best to compensate by making sure I had friends to stay etc. However, the downside was that to prevent me being a "spoilt only child", a common term then, I was brought up very strictly and with a lot of control.

I noticed that in bigger families children could get away with occasional misbehaviour and also got used to the rough and tumble of family life.

I was very shy and lacked self confidence for years - which I partly put down to being an only. Made up for it later by having 5 children and sometimes envied them when I saw the fun they had with each other growing up. Not always, of course!

Thank you for all your replies, so interesting to see everyones totally different experiences.

Sorry for those who didn't have a choice, I didn't mean to cause anyone any upset x

Totally agree with you about the weird things people say. Constant urging to have another, from total strangers even (!) Plus refetences to 'lonely only' children.

I didn't make a decision to have an only child - I wanted to have two or maybe three. I'll be sad about it to my dying day, but it wasn't our choice. We now have two lovely grandchildren and count ourselves lucky to see them often ... we had to move to Australia to be part of their lives! If you want another baby you should try to have one.

Yes I agree about the self sufficiency and independence. I am rarely, if ever, bored and I put that down to having to occupy myself as an only child. When I lived at home I was very,very shy as my mother was very good at belittling me but once I left, I changed and no one would describe me as shy these days! Plusses and minuses I guess but as I got older I longed for a sibling . I always feel so happy for our children when they get together and share things.

I married an only child, as I was, and my closest friends are all only children too. Our two children were close in age but are not particularly close as adults. Our DGD is an only child and doesn’t mind, whereas I felt cheated. I guess it depends on how much you minded being an only one. The upside is that we tend to be self sufficient and independent - not to say hard to live with on occasions!

Much depends on the size and location of the wider family.

Oh yes, that's very much true Chestnut. Even though I had many siblings, none of us remained close once our own children had grown up and gone their separate ways and nor did any of the cousins. Chosen friends became family then.

Chewbacca Your only child and the only children of your many siblings did not have the same experience of being an only child as one who is from a much smaller family. Especially if you and your siblings were close, in which case the children would be very connected. It would almost be like having siblings rather than cousins. As you come from a large family then these only children would not feel like only children because they are part of a larger group. I hope that makes sense.

In my case I lived in London and my nearest cousins were in Wales. No cousins on my father's side as he was also an only child. So I really was an only child. Much depends on the size and location of the wider family.

Interesting question this and the different answers are even more interesting! I'm one of quite a large family and I remember it as being overcrowded, no personal space, no chance of ever having anything that was "just mine" and really very poor financially. I made the conscious decision to only have 1 child and, interestingly, so did every one of my siblings. Have I ever wondered if we should maybe have had more? Never. We made sure that the house was always full of other children for DC to play with, we took his friends and cousins away on holidays with us, as they did with our DC. Being a singleton doesn't have to mean isolation and loneliness, it just means that, as parents of an only child, we had to put more effort into it. So, I wonder if most people's own childhood, and the pros and cons of that, determine our decisions as to the number of children we then choose to have ourselves?

I was another only child who longed for a sister. I really missed having someone to advise me about my mother's health when she got older. I look at my two DGDs, very close in age, and they have such a bond they are so lucky . I actually had a twin sister who was still born so thinking about that made it worse . I was quite young when my father died and I remember my mother saying that I was all she had left . That was a difficult thing to live up to but I hope I did .
I had a friend who craved company and she blamed it on being an only child. I , on the other hand , can enjoy my own company.

I’m an only child too but like juggernaut I think I’m outgoing, friendly and confident. I had 2 girls, both of whom are married and each has a son and won’t have any more. DH worked away after the girls were born, so I was totally responsible for most things from organizing property maintenance to taking the children on holiday by myself. DM was an only child and DF had a disabled younger brother, so an unusual childhood for him. I think you just accept what you had as normal - my BF at Grammar School loved to come and stay with me, as she had 3 siblings and had to share a room in a chaotic household which she hated.

I vividly remember when I had DS, a good friend, an only child himself, took me on one side and explained how tough it was being an only child with elderly parents, especially when 200 miles away.
Thirty years later, another friend from the same era, and a similar distance away from widowed mum, had an exhausting time travelling when mum, nearly 90, became infirm and eventually died.
Truly, it's not something I would have thought about when DS was so small.

I am one of three and have had three children. For me one child was never an option. It is a very personal choice, if in your heart you only want one child then stick to that. Having a second because you think it will prevent your first being lonely may not be the right reason to have another. You have to really want a second. Having said that if number two arrived I feel sure you would never regret it, instant love !

sandelf - gosh, what an awful MIL you have. Why did your brothers-in-law allow her to take over their lives? My sons would never allow me to do that. Hurtful though it made me feel sometimes, I soon came to realise that I was at the bottom of the pecking order.